End of the road?

[Antn]

Hi all,

I've joined this forum to post this as I no longer know what to do. I apologise if this is a long read.
My wife and I are literally about to separate. Today I packed a bag and left as I just could not deal with our problems anymore. I came home a few hours later as my stepdaughter was crying asking when would I be home.

My wife has 2 daughters from a previous relationship (11 & 13), and I have a son (8). Even though we have had lots of ups and downs, I love the girls and we generally have a really good relationship. I try to be involved in their lives and have reaped some incredible rewards from this.
My wife unfortunately has not formed the same bond with my son. This is ok. At first i was really upset by it, but understand that their relationship doesn't have to be the same as mine is with SDs. The problem is my wife really struggles with my son being here, and if anything it has got worse over the years as he has got older. To the point that I feel like I am acting differently to how i want, to try and make sure that my son doesn't 'annoy' my wife.
The girls spend weekdays and every other weekend with us, and my son comes over one night in the week and every other weekend (same weekend we have girls), although the oldest has now stopped seeing her dad (different jsut as long story) and is with us all the time.
At times my wife and her ex will change weekends etc and thats ok, but as soon as my ex has asked, its a problem.

What started today was my son ringing me and asking if he could come over to see me. I instantly started to make an excuse (and feel so guilty about that it hurts), and as soon as my wife realised what was going on she started saying 'god no' , 'I need a break' etc etc, and rolling her eyes.

Then my sons mother was in the background as obviously my son was getting upset and my wife lost it then and stormed upstairs. She says even the sound of my ex's voice drives her insane.
We then had a row, another one, about how she feels that my ex is always there in her house and that she sees me, my son and my ex as a package. I feel that her hatred towards my ex is aimed at my son. obviously there is a whole lot more that goes behind this but i would end up writing war and peace.

Anyway, thats when i packed a bag walked out and went to take my son out for a few hours.

My wife wants me to tell my ex to stay out of our lives. I find my ex annoying and she does message for stupid reasons, to an extent i see my wifes point. But also find her hypocritical when we change plans and run around doing pickups and dropoffs for her ex.
I asked her if i did this, would it change anything, and she said quite possibly not.

We are literally clinging on by our fingernails. I will loose my wife, my girls, my home, our business, our whole life we have built together, and my son will loose a family he is so found of. I don't know what too do.

Am i fighting a loosing battle? I feel like it. I feel like my wife has left the marriage already if i'm honest.

I am just looking for the other side of this story, advice or criticism

Thanks in advance

I'm afraid I think you're right. This isn't fair on your son, and you have to put him first.

How long have you been together? It sounds like it will be hard on the girls if you split, but I'm not sure that you have any other choice.

Most women are not this distraught over their partners ex unless they are either a) an insufferable twat, or more importantly, b) an insufferable twat that you allow to manipulate your current relationship.

Most women can deal with the fact that your ex is a dickhead. What they can't deal with is you not setting the right boundaries so they become free to deliberately interfere and disrupt your new relationship.

This is not a DS problem, or a DW problem. This is a you pandering to your ex to the detriment of your relationship problem, which you've allowed for so long that it's truly bitten you in the ass now.

Sorry. Harsh, but I feel if you're honest, accurate.

@AlexaShutUp

I'm afraid I think you're right. This isn't fair on your son, and you have to put him first.

How long have you been together? It sounds like it will be hard on the girls if you split, but I'm not sure that you have any other choice.

Thanks for replying.

We have been together for 6 years, married for 4. I do have to put him first, I have always tried too. But it's becoming apparent that I have failed him on this.

Have you had marriage counselling? That’s your only remaining option and only if you both really want yo make a go of it.

It’s not your son’s fault your ex is a pain. It’s your job to create and maintain appropriate boundaries with your ex and should be protecting your wife from ex related hassle. But the way she speaks about your son is awful. 8 year olds can be incredibly annoying, I’m a step mum of two who’ve had their moments, but this little boy is your child. Your only child. Why aren’t you making him a priority? Your wife gets the benefit of you being there for her and her daughters full time and she resents you seeing your son while being willing to offer her own ex flexibility.

Your communication is clearly in the toilet and the whole set up is a mess. Have you had calm, honest, respectful conversations where you both speak about what you need? How to manage relations with your exes? What sort of flexibility in contact schedules is okay and what’s not?

Why will you lose your business? Do you both own or rent your home?

If you get divorced you may find your son is less bothered than you think. If things have been deteriorating over several years and she really can’t stand him he won’t be missing much.

If you can, I think you need to talk. You may as well be completely honest as you acknowledge you might be at the end of the road. Changes needed on both parts from the sounds of things. Or you can decide you might be unhappy apart but you’re definitely unhappy now and it’s okay to call time. There are worse things than divorce. One of them is a miserable marriage.

Your wife sounds vile. Please protect your child and keep him far away from a woman that obviously despises him.

@AfterEightsBeforeEight

Most women are not this distraught over their partners ex unless they are either a) an insufferable twat, or more importantly, b) an insufferable twat that you allow to manipulate your current relationship.

Most women can deal with the fact that your ex is a dickhead. What they can't deal with is you not setting the right boundaries so they become free to deliberately interfere and disrupt your new relationship.

This is not a DS problem, or a DW problem. This is a you pandering to your ex to the detriment of your relationship problem, which you've allowed for so long that it's truly bitten you in the ass now.

Sorry. Harsh, but I feel if you're honest, accurate.

no need to apologise, and i take your point. I have stood up to my ex on numerous occasions, but I can see that it obviously has not been enough as she still messages pointless shit at times, and i completely understand my wife's frustrations. It frustrates the shit out of me too.

@Antn

So this would be a good example. Your ex exhibits annoying behaviour. I presume you pulled her up on it, presumably saying how it affects your wife.

The ex delights at this, increases the behaviour, and your response is...... "how frustrating"

As if the ex is a jolly rogue, what can you do eh?

Have you actually shown your wife support? "No, ex, I've explained this isn't appropriate. If you continue to do this, we will have to have zero contact unless directly discussing our son, and that's not the stance I'd like to take, but you are deliberately goading my wife, and I will not accept that."

It sounds like you've allowed the ex to control far more than she ever should remotely been able too. Don't blame your wife for finally having enough.

Why are you telling your wife about pointless shit your ex messages about?

I think you have two different issues which are both affecting your son.
You need to set up some boundaries with your ex but also address the issues your wife has with your son. She should allow for your son to have access to you whenever he feels he needs it.
I find her cruel to treat you 8 year old this way.
I don't feel sorry for you really! You're an adult and should stand up to both women on behalf of your child.
I do feel sorry for your son though! He probably can feel you pandering to everyone's needs but his.

Of course you can't have a good relationship with your wife if your ex is constantly in the background. How do you respond to her messages? Why does your wife know about them? Why don't you delete and ignore? Sounds like you need to create some boundaries with the ex but it's probably too late for that now.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Have you had marriage counselling? That’s your only remaining option and only if you both really want yo make a go of it.

It’s not your son’s fault your ex is a pain. It’s your job to create and maintain appropriate boundaries with your ex and should be protecting your wife from ex related hassle. But the way she speaks about your son is awful. 8 year olds can be incredibly annoying, I’m a step mum of two who’ve had their moments, but this little boy is your child. Your only child. Why aren’t you making him a priority? Your wife gets the benefit of you being there for her and her daughters full time and she resents you seeing your son while being willing to offer her own ex flexibility.

Your communication is clearly in the toilet and the whole set up is a mess. Have you had calm, honest, respectful conversations where you both speak about what you need? How to manage relations with your exes? What sort of flexibility in contact schedules is okay and what’s not?

Why will you lose your business? Do you both own or rent your home?

If you get divorced you may find your son is less bothered than you think. If things have been deteriorating over several years and she really can’t stand him he won’t be missing much.

If you can, I think you need to talk. You may as well be completely honest as you acknowledge you might be at the end of the road. Changes needed on both parts from the sounds of things. Or you can decide you might be unhappy apart but you’re definitely unhappy now and it’s okay to call time. There are worse things than divorce. One of them is a miserable marriage.

Thank you for replying. Yes we have had marriage counselling, although i think there is so much to work through on both sides, it may be a case of too little too late. My wife does not open up and I talk enough for the both of us.

My ex is a pain in the ass. She has nothing to do but go on about trivia things, i understand my wifes frustration i really do.
I've told my ex to stop contacting me as much as she was, and it has gone down, but she is still there obviously.

It may not come across, but i do try and make my son a priority, which i think also causes a lot of problems. More often than not I will go and get him when he calls etc. Which is why i got upset with myself this time as i knew it was going to be an issue and rather than have that argument again, I started to find an excuse for him not to come! how shit is that?!

NB: we own our house and business together.

Why is your son not happy at his mother's house? Can you not have a set schedule so he knows when he is with which parent and stick to it? An 8 year old child really shouldn't have the responsibility of making up the schedule.

Does your wife like your ds

Do you think maybe her frustrations at your son are maybe misplaced as it were? Which is in no way right by any stretch of the imagination but I think you both need to communicate and try and work on her and your sons relationship, I really don’t think this is about your son particularly though. Who does the majority of the childcare when your son is there? Just wondering why she would say she needed a break? Blended families are hard work, I’m not going to be like everyone else who says just to leave, marriage and family is worth saving IMO.

What it be better if your DS spent a lot more time at your home rather than him calling you up? It seems like he is the one controlling things, he phones you jump to do what he wants yet he is only 8?

@Candyfloss99

Of course you can't have a good relationship with your wife if your ex is constantly in the background. How do you respond to her messages? Why does your wife know about them? Why don't you delete and ignore? Sounds like you need to create some boundaries with the ex but it's probably too late for that now.

I've just gone back through my phone to see my responses. So from the beginning of the year I have had 10 messages. 4 about online school work/ lessons and i replied to 1 saying ok., 3 asking what time am i picking up/dropping son - reply the time, 1 thread from my son, 1 asking what dates i had booked holiday - reply the dates. A text about my sons new glasses and him being worried about it. - conversation with her about things to try to make him okay with them

I feel like deleting them would be dishonest. I don't tell her about them.

I can't work out the calls as my son rings from his mums phone everyday, and I know just seeing her name comes up gets my wifes hackles up.

It appears that I have made a lot of mistakes that i wasn't even aware of. Thank you for your reply

@Candyfloss99

Why is your son not happy at his mother's house? Can you not have a set schedule so he knows when he is with which parent and stick to it? An 8 year old child really shouldn't have the responsibility of making up the schedule.

Yes I agree with this, and 100% this i my fault for not saying not him

No problem. I honestly think a clear schedule that everyone sticks to makes everything so much easier. Then you, your wife, your son, your ex all know what is happening and it causes so much less anxiety, especially for your son.

@Candyfloss99

Why is your son not happy at his mother's house? Can you not have a set schedule so he knows when he is with which parent and stick to it? An 8 year old child really shouldn't have the responsibility of making up the schedule.

We do have a schedule, and during the school time it works fine. It's more the holidays or global pandemic where he has more outside space and two siblings here to play with.....but yes,I can see that I should enforce the agreed schedule more

So you don't have a proper fixed contact schedule for seeing your son? It just doesn't work.

Once you have that life will be less stressful all around. If you speak to your son daily then have that at a fixed time.

@Lorw

Do you think maybe her frustrations at your son are maybe misplaced as it were? Which is in no way right by any stretch of the imagination but I think you both need to communicate and try and work on her and your sons relationship, I really don’t think this is about your son particularly though. Who does the majority of the childcare when your son is there? Just wondering why she would say she needed a break? Blended families are hard work, I’m not going to be like everyone else who says just to leave, marriage and family is worth saving IMO.

I do all of the childcare when he is here.

I think she said she needed a break as tbf she has been working insane hours this past week. But i don't think she would have had this response if my SD had rung to say she wanted to come home early.

You've had 10 texts off your ex in the space of a little over 2 months? All of them about arrangements or your son's general welfare? And your wife thinks this is excessive and something to flounce and kick off about? And she isn't welcoming when your 8 year old son wants to come and see his dad? Wow.

It would break my heart to think of my children being that unwelcome in their dad's home.

Your wife sounds like a real piece of work. I can't believe she has kids of her own and cannot extend any empathy or warmth to yours. Your poor little boy.

So the wife's children can decide when they are at the house but ops son cant?
OP tell your wife you are setting a schedule for holidays etc. But you are scheduling more time. I think she will react badly.
Because it doesnt sound like it's that that's the issue.
She doesn't want your son there. She even says she sees you DS and ex as a unit.
Oh and those messages are absolutely normal.

How much is your wife expected to do when you DS is there? By which I mean, if she's been working hard and long hours and is tired, that's a shame and she probably needs time out, but if you are feeding, entertaining and looking after your DS, can't she be chilling out elsewhere in the house? It is one of his homes too and it seems mean to complain about him being there, unless she is expected to pick up after him and keep him fed and happy.

I'm sorry if i have missed replying to anyone. I seem to have lost a chunk of my answers and can't see the whole thread.
I do appreciate everyone who has offered their opinion and advice though.