End of the road?

[Antn]

Hi all,

I've joined this forum to post this as I no longer know what to do. I apologise if this is a long read.
My wife and I are literally about to separate. Today I packed a bag and left as I just could not deal with our problems anymore. I came home a few hours later as my stepdaughter was crying asking when would I be home.

My wife has 2 daughters from a previous relationship (11 & 13), and I have a son (8). Even though we have had lots of ups and downs, I love the girls and we generally have a really good relationship. I try to be involved in their lives and have reaped some incredible rewards from this.
My wife unfortunately has not formed the same bond with my son. This is ok. At first i was really upset by it, but understand that their relationship doesn't have to be the same as mine is with SDs. The problem is my wife really struggles with my son being here, and if anything it has got worse over the years as he has got older. To the point that I feel like I am acting differently to how i want, to try and make sure that my son doesn't 'annoy' my wife.
The girls spend weekdays and every other weekend with us, and my son comes over one night in the week and every other weekend (same weekend we have girls), although the oldest has now stopped seeing her dad (different jsut as long story) and is with us all the time.
At times my wife and her ex will change weekends etc and thats ok, but as soon as my ex has asked, its a problem.

What started today was my son ringing me and asking if he could come over to see me. I instantly started to make an excuse (and feel so guilty about that it hurts), and as soon as my wife realised what was going on she started saying 'god no' , 'I need a break' etc etc, and rolling her eyes.

Then my sons mother was in the background as obviously my son was getting upset and my wife lost it then and stormed upstairs. She says even the sound of my ex's voice drives her insane.
We then had a row, another one, about how she feels that my ex is always there in her house and that she sees me, my son and my ex as a package. I feel that her hatred towards my ex is aimed at my son. obviously there is a whole lot more that goes behind this but i would end up writing war and peace.

Anyway, thats when i packed a bag walked out and went to take my son out for a few hours.

My wife wants me to tell my ex to stay out of our lives. I find my ex annoying and she does message for stupid reasons, to an extent i see my wifes point. But also find her hypocritical when we change plans and run around doing pickups and dropoffs for her ex.
I asked her if i did this, would it change anything, and she said quite possibly not.

We are literally clinging on by our fingernails. I will loose my wife, my girls, my home, our business, our whole life we have built together, and my son will loose a family he is so found of. I don't know what too do.

Am i fighting a loosing battle? I feel like it. I feel like my wife has left the marriage already if i'm honest.

I am just looking for the other side of this story, advice or criticism

Thanks in advance

TrustTheGeneGenie his dw is happy for him to provide childcare for his 2 dsds talk about double standards but she can't put extra food when cooking for her family in for his child or added his clothing in the wash load 2 nights a month or when he visits for his tea once a week and twice a month.... really???? It sounds like your dw hates your dw and sees your ds as an extension of your ex and dislikes him. You need to end this toxic relationship and salve this relationship with your son.

@Teardrop2021

TrustTheGeneGenie his dw is happy for him to provide childcare for his 2 dsds talk about double standards but she can't put extra food when cooking for her family in for his child or added his clothing in the wash load 2 nights a month or when he visits for his tea once a week and twice a month.... really???? It sounds like your dw hates your dw and sees your ds as an extension of your ex and dislikes him. You need to end this toxic relationship and salve this relationship with your son.

She is not obligated to reciprocate.

Christ OP, whatever the heck is going on (hard to follow) your poor DS is baby in the middle of it.

Honest conversation with your wife is needed...

TrustTheGeneGenie here have are you kidding me she should treat the poor kid with some human decency

why cant he do the whole wash then?

It seems like she normally does the washing whether his child is there or not, but of course if it's too much for her to put his clothes in the machine she shouldn't do it.

It's just petty for pp to make out this is a big deal.

OP... prioritise your DS....your wife sees him as a tolerance in order to be with you, whereas you're very different with her DDs.

The fact that your DSD called you shows you've developed a good relationship with her and a half decent SM would not be so negative about your DS.... You got her outburst and she couldn't suppress the fact she just doesn't want him around. You've ignored it for too long.

Many of the pp who agree with her do so, because they aren't the biggest fans of their SC either and merely tolerate them, but would much prefer it when they never came over at all, so any extra day of the SC coming over is hugely unwelcome.

Don't subject your child to this environment. It's not in his best interests to be around an adult like her. Your number one job is to protect him.

I hate this - ooooh its no trouble for her, but if he has to do it.. oh there is no point, its not hard for her bla bla. its the principle. Its his child and hes bleating he does all the childcare, but clearly none of the work. I am willing to bet his idea of "childcare" is simply being in the same building as his son.

This sounds terribly condescending and misandrist.

I agree with the pp who said there were double standards on here.

Hang on, so DW is away for work 5 days a week and you look after your 2 SDs - is she away overnight?

But doesn't want your son there 2 weekends a month?

I don't get what her problem is. Is there definitely nothing more to his behaviour than clingy/fussy eating? Does he eat her food when she cooks?

Though I agree your son needs a set schedule/specified days when he will be with you. I don't like not knowing what is happening/who is coming or going.

@Teardrop2021

TrustTheGeneGenie here have are you kidding me she should treat the poor kid with some human decency

Yes, she should but that doesn't include cooking for him or doing his washing, which is the issue I was discussing.

@SandyY2K

why cant he do the whole wash then?

It seems like she normally does the washing whether his child is there or not, but of course if it's too much for her to put his clothes in the machine she shouldn't do it.

It's just petty for pp to make out this is a big deal.

OP... prioritise your DS....your wife sees him as a tolerance in order to be with you, whereas you're very different with her DDs.

The fact that your DSD called you shows you've developed a good relationship with her and a half decent SM would not be so negative about your DS.... You got her outburst and she couldn't suppress the fact she just doesn't want him around. You've ignored it for too long.

Many of the pp who agree with her do so, because they aren't the biggest fans of their SC either and merely tolerate them, but would much prefer it when they never came over at all, so any extra day of the SC coming over is hugely unwelcome.

Don't subject your child to this environment. It's not in his best interests to be around an adult like her. Your number one job is to protect him.

I hate this - ooooh its no trouble for her, but if he has to do it.. oh there is no point, its not hard for her bla bla. its the principle. Its his child and hes bleating he does all the childcare, but clearly none of the work. I am willing to bet his idea of "childcare" is simply being in the same building as his son.

This sounds terribly condescending and misandrist.

I agree with the pp who said there were double standards on here.

It is condescending because he claimed he does all the childcare and then let slip that actually no, that's not true. What else isn't he telling us?

You have got to put your son first in this situation. You need to set the agenda for his care. Discuss by text a schedule that has been made by you, agreed by your wife then stick to it. Don't be flexible and change dates he is the number one concern. Keep all your contact with ex via text so you have a thread of evidence, ring only when absolutely necessary. As for your wife's attitude towards your son (which is totally appalling) it's something you need to discuss, and if it can't be overcome then it's a deal breaker.

My partners ex is exceptionally challenging. At the beginning of our relationship there were no boundaries set and she was most definitely an unwelcome part of our lives. However, we first sorted contact made an agreement we all stick too, we set the boundaries for contact, which is text mostly, one phone call a week to the kids and if there is anything emergency wise phone call. It was tough at first as she felt she owned my partners life and he never set appropriate boundaries. But over the years this has changed and things are much more settled.

Relationships have improved with the kids because they don't witness bad mouthing or arguing or bad feelings. By fixing the structure like glue it's given the kids stability and security.

The only difference is that I see my duty of care with my sc and take that responsibility so seriously. Your wife doesn't seem to have that attitude and that would worry me greatly. My partner steps up with my dd if he didn't he would be kicked into the long grass!

Op, lots of stressors in both your lives. Maybe step back a little and itemise these?

Running a business together - stressful
DP working away from home - difficult job anyway? On top of your joint business? Travelling on top? What is her accommodation like when she's away? Sounds exhausting.

Maybe both of you are missing contact with your own children.

There seems to be little time for the pair of you together to cement your own relationship. No fun times, down time.

Is the business covid affected? Money worries?

And your lad? Needy and fussy with food can be a pointer to neurodevelopmental issues. Does he have his own special menu that must be cooked separately to the rest of the household? (That would direct some anger at the ex...)

Sounds like you're just the free in home childcare to me. Has she always treated him this way?

I too was your son for a while, my mother's ex hated my presence but presented a false exterior for her. I never believed it and I'm sure your son knows too.

I am surprised he wants to spend more time with her around tbh, but then possibly its better to the alternative at your ex's.

If he's needy, is the neediness because he wants her to like him and mother him like she does for her girls? Or is that more with both of you?

And the food fussiness I appreciate can be hard, but it wouldn't be difficult for you to freeze a few meals he likes to keep on standby so the pressure is reduced for impromtu visits?

I agree he should be welcome in both of his homes equally just as the girls are.

But frankly if I were you I would write a letter for the girls explaining that you love and care for them, but that you need to move out for a while and trial a separation from your wife. Obviously depends on finances but take on a short term let or stay with family possibly where you can see your son on his regular contact schedule.

Get some distance because frankly it does sound like she wasn't at all bothered by you going.

@Antn I read your message from 2 years ago (just because this one wasn't too clear) and I think the biggest problem here is your wife. And I say this as a woman who hates my DP's 2(!) exes who try to be his friends and he welcomes it, who have caused issues between us and he took their side and who still communicate with his family. I also had a reaction of seeing my DP, his exes and kids as a team and it caused problems. HOWEVER, I would never dream of having a tantrum because his children were coming and they were not only annoying, but were rude many times.

Your wife is possessive (there's nothing wrong with your mother and sister keeping in touch with your son's mother, I still keep in touch with my ex's sister, she's my son's aunt!). And if she's unwilling to work on her issue and clearly she isn't, you and your son deserve better. You can put all the boundaries you want, your wife still has the responsibility to work on her internal issues, otherwise your relationship will be hell for you and your son.

You can find better than this. And if you love her daughters, maybe they will want to keep in touch. If not, let it go, because the most important thing is you and your son.

She's telling you that nobody needs you there anymore?!! Well, that's your answer whether it's the end of the road.... And let's see how many men will want to consider her teenage daughters as their own.

I can't see what you're doing wrong here.
Your wife appears to struggle to accept your son in her life.
Your son should be able to come to yours outside the schedule if he wants.
I don't understand your wife's issues with this.

Is your wife prepared to loose you. It sounds like she is.

8yr old boys really love and need their dads.
He shld be ur priority
Your dw is taking liberties and being awful to/about your son. Terrible.

Had everyone missed that his wife is away working but it is their joint business?! Funny the OP hasn't pointed this out...don't think we're getting the full and fair story here are we?

Also, do you keep up with the washing and shopping when she's away? Or does she return to a mound of washing and the weekly shop to do?

Wives can be replaced , your son can;t
Be the father he deserves and put him first

My reaction to whether her behaviour is unreasonable depends on several things:

1. Is she working away for your joint business to bring the money in for your family as a whole, or is this her income solely and your joint business is separate to this?

1. Do you work? Are you providing childcare for her in the week whilst also doing your own job or is she the sole bread winner?

1. Why are you not having your son more on weekdays? Is there a particular reason?

1. Other than the texts, how often is your ex getting involved via phone calls and communications with your child? Does she try and insert herself into your new marriage?

1. Why are you jumping to have your son every time your ex calls? Do you objectively think your son is genuinely distressed / desperate to see you on his non contact days with you or could your ex be manipulating the situation as either a power play or because she wants kid-free time?

The reason I ask is my son will often say he misses daddy but is easily cajoled out of it by a quick bit of reassurance. I would never ring his dad and guilt trip him.

How do you not 'feed' a child when you're already cooking for your own?

Bloody hell, I've fed random kids that have wondered home with my children off the street before, let alone ones that are sleeping in my house. It takes no more than a flick of the wrist to add an extra serve of pasta to the pot considering my hand is already hovering over it anyway. In fact, it would actually take more mental effort NOT to feed the extra child at that point, and that's what makes it spiteful.

Wives can be replaced.
Lovely attitude that! (Eye roll)
No wonder divorce rates are so high across all marriages but especially second & subsequent ones! - Always pander to what the ex & dc say they want & if your spouse doesn't agree get a new & more compliant model!

Hi OP. I saw your comment in the other forum and thought I'd take a look on here.

Clearly there's a lot going on here but the bottom line seems to be your wife isn't prepared to do you the same courtesy that you are doing her.

I haven't tried to blend a family (yet) and the reason being is a lot of the reasons you mention. It does sadly seem that as an NRP Dad in these situations you are often expected to put your partner before kids and there is a lack of compassion. Although I woukd say there's a lot of balance on this board compared to some of the other MN forums.

I think you need to have a honest conversation with your wife and see what boundaries you can set with your ex but I dont think you're under any obligation to set boundaries that she won't for her kids and her ex.

I h

How do you not 'feed' a child when you're already cooking for your own?

It’s really shit behaviour. My ex’s now ex partner used to do this. It did not go unnoticed by the children. It took him a while (about 18 months all told) but he got rid of her in the end.

@EnoughnowIthink

How do you not 'feed' a child when you're already cooking for your own?

It’s really shit behaviour. My ex’s now ex partner used to do this. It did not go unnoticed by the children. It took him a while (about 18 months all told) but he got rid of her in the end.

It shouldn't happen because the other parent should do it imo.

@inlectorecumbit

Wives can be replaced , your son can;t Be the father he deserves and put him first

Ffs.

Wife doesn't do everything for your child and dote on them like you do? Bin her and get another one, oh wait except you can't because nobody in their right mind would do it.

By definition, stepparenting means 'it's complicated'.

OP's wife is showing all the signs of last straw on the camel's back. There will be reasons for that. Does the ex work? Has the OP's wife been financially supporting both households? Is she batch cooking for the family on Sundays to leave them fed while she's away working? Just how big is her load?

@EnoughnowIthink

How do you not 'feed' a child when you're already cooking for your own?

It’s really shit behaviour. My ex’s now ex partner used to do this. It did not go unnoticed by the children. It took him a while (about 18 months all told) but he got rid of her in the end.

When you've cooked repeatedly for them as part of the meals for everyone, and they've turned their nose up at it, sat glaring at you across the table instead of eating, cried into their plate for their daddy (at the age of 6/7), and you've had their father pander to them and feed them mouthfuls off a spoon as though they're 3 not 7.... well, it becomes pretty wearing let me tell you! There's only so many times I was prepared to put myself through that stress before I said to him you can cook for her, I'm not doing this every time. Incidentally, when we got to the bottom of it ... the problem was that I was making nutritious homemade meals, and she wanted McDonalds / fast food instead because "that's what mum lets me have all the time". She's now 11 and eats much better at ours because dad has taken over and enforced the boundaries of her needing to eat whatever we (usually he) makes.

It's very, very easy to become exasperated with that situation when you have no authority over a child as you're not their parent, but you're cooking meals that they just don't want and cry all the way through. If it had been my own dd, I'd have been able to deal with it by being firm with her. But you're fighting a losing battle when 1) you can't really discipline a child in the same way because they're not yours and 2) a child is allowed to eat whatever they like at their other home and you try to give them healthy food at your house.

Trust me. It's draining.