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Step-parenting

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Original poster

End of the road?

151 replies

Antn · 07/03/2021 23:04

Hi all,

I've joined this forum to post this as I no longer know what to do. I apologise if this is a long read.
My wife and I are literally about to separate. Today I packed a bag and left as I just could not deal with our problems anymore. I came home a few hours later as my stepdaughter was crying asking when would I be home.

My wife has 2 daughters from a previous relationship (11 & 13), and I have a son (8). Even though we have had lots of ups and downs, I love the girls and we generally have a really good relationship. I try to be involved in their lives and have reaped some incredible rewards from this.
My wife unfortunately has not formed the same bond with my son. This is ok. At first i was really upset by it, but understand that their relationship doesn't have to be the same as mine is with SDs. The problem is my wife really struggles with my son being here, and if anything it has got worse over the years as he has got older. To the point that I feel like I am acting differently to how i want, to try and make sure that my son doesn't 'annoy' my wife.
The girls spend weekdays and every other weekend with us, and my son comes over one night in the week and every other weekend (same weekend we have girls), although the oldest has now stopped seeing her dad (different jsut as long story) and is with us all the time.
At times my wife and her ex will change weekends etc and thats ok, but as soon as my ex has asked, its a problem.

What started today was my son ringing me and asking if he could come over to see me. I instantly started to make an excuse (and feel so guilty about that it hurts), and as soon as my wife realised what was going on she started saying 'god no' , 'I need a break' etc etc, and rolling her eyes.

Then my sons mother was in the background as obviously my son was getting upset and my wife lost it then and stormed upstairs. She says even the sound of my ex's voice drives her insane.
We then had a row, another one, about how she feels that my ex is always there in her house and that she sees me, my son and my ex as a package. I feel that her hatred towards my ex is aimed at my son. obviously there is a whole lot more that goes behind this but i would end up writing war and peace.

Anyway, thats when i packed a bag walked out and went to take my son out for a few hours.

My wife wants me to tell my ex to stay out of our lives. I find my ex annoying and she does message for stupid reasons, to an extent i see my wifes point. But also find her hypocritical when we change plans and run around doing pickups and dropoffs for her ex.
I asked her if i did this, would it change anything, and she said quite possibly not.

We are literally clinging on by our fingernails. I will loose my wife, my girls, my home, our business, our whole life we have built together, and my son will loose a family he is so found of. I don't know what too do.

Am i fighting a loosing battle? I feel like it. I feel like my wife has left the marriage already if i'm honest.

I am just looking for the other side of this story, advice or criticism

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Eteri · 10/03/2021 09:50

But Genie that's just a waste of time and food. Instead of just adding an extra third cup of pasta to the pot, you'd really expect somebody else to cook an entire meal?

At that point, what's the point of being married? If my dh expect me to cook an entire second meal to save himself a momentary twitch of his wrist, I'd divorce his mother fucking ass for being a cunt. And that's just if he refused to add extra pasta for me, never mind if he was being unkind to my child.

LucieStar · 10/03/2021 09:54

@SpaceshiptoMars

By definition, stepparenting means 'it's complicated'.

OP's wife is showing all the signs of last straw on the camel's back. There will be reasons for that. Does the ex work? Has the OP's wife been financially supporting both households? Is she batch cooking for the family on Sundays to leave them fed while she's away working? Just how big is her load?

According to his post from 2019 (another poster referred to his post "from 2 years ago" so I was curious and had a read), mum didn't work and never had. Nor did she wash his clothes or get out of bed to make him breakfast, and OP claimed to not even be able to stand inside the hallway of her house when collecting him due to the smell. OP also claimed his son was covered in flea bites regularly. Sad

I do hope the situation has improved at mum's now for this little boy.

thebellsofsaintclements · 10/03/2021 10:06

Your wife sounds absolutely awful OP. Please please leave and take your son out of this horrendously toxic situation Flowers

Changeychange1 · 10/03/2021 10:09

Your poor son. Your wife is very selfish!

TrustTheGeneGenie · 10/03/2021 12:03

@Eteri

But Genie that's just a waste of time and food. Instead of just adding an extra third cup of pasta to the pot, you'd really expect somebody else to cook an entire meal?

At that point, what's the point of being married? If my dh expect me to cook an entire second meal to save himself a momentary twitch of his wrist, I'd divorce his mother fucking ass for being a cunt. And that's just if he refused to add extra pasta for me, never mind if he was being unkind to my child.

no, thats not what i mean.

I mean if his child is there, he cooks for everyone.

You have clearly not been a step parent.

Oswin · 10/03/2021 12:32

TrustTheGeneGenie so the opposite should happen also? She should be doing all the cooking when her children are there?

aSofaNearYou · 10/03/2021 13:26

@Eteri

But Genie that's just a waste of time and food. Instead of just adding an extra third cup of pasta to the pot, you'd really expect somebody else to cook an entire meal?

At that point, what's the point of being married? If my dh expect me to cook an entire second meal to save himself a momentary twitch of his wrist, I'd divorce his mother fucking ass for being a cunt. And that's just if he refused to add extra pasta for me, never mind if he was being unkind to my child.

It's not always as simple as that, though. Yes, an extra handful of pasta is no hardship, but often it's a case of the SC will only eat really specific things that DOES make cooking for them an extra hardship. Often their reaction will be rude and targeted to the chef, which is not a pleasant thing to have to deal with. It won't always be the case, but you've only really considered the example where cooking for them would cause the absolute minimum of extra hassle.
LucieStar · 10/03/2021 13:41

It's not always as simple as that, though. Yes, an extra handful of pasta is no hardship, but often it's a case of the SC will only eat really specific things that DOES make cooking for them an extra hardship. Often their reaction will be rude and targeted to the chef, which is not a pleasant thing to have to deal with.

Completely - this. This is why I stopped doing it. It's not about putting a bit of extra pasta in. It's about the child sitting and glaring at you for daring to put healthy food in front of her; then proceeding to cry hysterically for an hour while her Dad feeds her forkfuls of your "disgusting" food like she's a 3 year old (when she's almost 7). It takes a strong person to keep putting themselves through that shit every other weekend.

SpaceshiptoMars · 10/03/2021 13:58

A niece, not a stepchild, bless her:

vegan, gluten free, dairy free, egg free, various other don't likes....

I've got pretty inventive, but it's still a challenge feeding the family when she's with us!

EnoughnowIthink · 10/03/2021 17:19

It shouldn't happen because the other parent should do it imo

In my children's case, it was always 'treat' food that was withheld. So, my ex would make all the children (his and ours) breakfast but on other days, she would appear, make pancakes for her child, and leave their dad to make something for them. Ditto we had numerous incidents where she had gone off at an event without saying a word and returned with an icecream or cold drink for her son and again, nothing at all for my children. Obviously, I accept that this is a children's eye view of things and my ex may well have stood in the way of a treat or refused to pay or something else but it left a bad taste and it hardly shows 'blended family' when you can't even put a bowl of cereal in front of a child that's not yours but expect your partner to do that for your child. She made a huge fuss on one ocassion when my ex (spitefully, I admit) left her child out.

I can't say whether or not he pulled his weight when it came to housework etc. He was reasonable about that kind of thing when with me so I doubt he wasn't doing anything at all.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 10/03/2021 18:26

@Oswin

TrustTheGeneGenie so the opposite should happen also? She should be doing all the cooking when her children are there?
Well yes if he doesn't want to accept any responsibility for her children, but seemingly he does. He is free to say no, of course.
Pleaseaddcaffine · 10/03/2021 18:37

Shameless derailing... My partner genuinely with 4 children, all 4 his and only 1 mine, bought himself an ice cream or chocolate but none for any of the children. I actually called him selfish in front of them... Puts you off though as a step parent to provide when their own father dosnt!

Andi2020 · 10/03/2021 22:19

If op wife is away so much, how does she know how often your son rings.
Can you have him over while she is at work

YoniAndGuy · 11/03/2021 10:56

Wife said i shouldn't have bothered, that they don't need me to be here.

And that's the point where you should have said, oh really, ok fine then, guess you're taking annual leave all next week then? Let me know how it goes...

Seriously if this thread was the other way around - entitled selfish bossy husband fully expecting his wife to take on all the week's parenting of his resident children so he can have his career and at the same time being controlling and damaging her relationship with her OWN non -resident child... you'd be being told en masse that you were in a horribly damaging and abusive relationship and to leave for your child's sake as well as your own.

stout01 · 11/03/2021 14:17

@YoniAndGuy

Wife said i shouldn't have bothered, that they don't need me to be here.

And that's the point where you should have said, oh really, ok fine then, guess you're taking annual leave all next week then? Let me know how it goes...

Seriously if this thread was the other way around - entitled selfish bossy husband fully expecting his wife to take on all the week's parenting of his resident children so he can have his career and at the same time being controlling and damaging her relationship with her OWN non -resident child... you'd be being told en masse that you were in a horribly damaging and abusive relationship and to leave for your child's sake as well as your own.

Spot on.

You shouldn't enter into a relationship if you are going to be dismissive of your partner's child. Manage the situation yes and if need be do not blend but the double standards is shocking.

Willyoujustbequiet · 11/03/2021 19:31

This reply has been deleted

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SandyY2K · 12/03/2021 01:31

Seriously if this thread was the other way around - entitled selfish bossy husband fully expecting his wife to take on all the week's parenting of his resident children so he can have his career and at the same time being controlling and damaging her relationship with her OWN non -resident child... you'd be being told en masse that you were in a horribly damaging and abusive relationship and to leave for your child's sake as well as your own.

100% correct.

sassbott · 13/03/2021 22:08

I have the same questions that spongebob has.

All 5. And I agree re the guilt tripping/ schedule. My DC (boys) speak to their dad whenever they want. And not once have they called him asking to go round when they’re with me. They know when they’re going and are super comfortable with it. So something is going on here.

Also, by the age of 8 I’d be getting a child a wifi enabled device so that they can contact their parents when they wish (removing the ex as a conduit of communications).

OP. You say you went to counselling. Did these issues not get surfaced and addressed then?

sassbott · 13/03/2021 22:11

And re the thread in a reverse? We still don’t know if this is the financial set up the OP has agreed to. Is the wife the main breadwinner?

Too many gaps in the info right now to call this so I’m completely undecided

stout01 · 14/03/2021 08:36

@sassbott

And re the thread in a reverse? We still don’t know if this is the financial set up the OP has agreed to. Is the wife the main breadwinner?

Too many gaps in the info right now to call this so I’m completely undecided

The Ops wife isnt prepared to do the same courtesy that she asks of him when it comes to the kids. This one is pretty clear I think.
sassbott · 14/03/2021 13:17

Hi @stout01, in your mind maybe. Not in mine.

If my exp was to come on here and write a post about me, I would come off as quite outrageous (especially as he presented his view which came at me time and again via demands in our relationship). Which to the outsider seemed perfectly reasonable I am sure.

The reality of what happened and resulted in my taking the stance I did (some 4 and a 1/2 years in) was about his ex, his parenting, his complete inability to be fully present in our relationship and a complete disequilibrium that occurred every single time his children were involved (aka the pedestal effect). Because I was available he (at best) existed. Only ever coming alive when he saw his children.

So that’s what is always in the back of my mind when I read posts like this.
Yes; it could be pretty clear cut. The wife is a witch and the OP needs to leave
Or. There are a lot of complex dynamics at play here which are not easily evidenced by one side presenting their view.

How is it that the OP has taken on the childcare and the wife is WOH? He didn’t have a gun pointed to his head. None of us do. Is this a situation that has been forced due to covid? How has this situation become so one sided?

sassbott · 14/03/2021 13:20

If the core intimate adult relationship is not filled. I personally have zero space to take on/ see / be generous with that persons child/ children.
That’s where I was at the end of my relationship, which is why I ended it. I had zero tolerance for his children because he had completely neglected my intimate adult needs as a partner (and no I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about emotional availability, being present and genuinely loving life whether your children are with you or not).

stout01 · 14/03/2021 16:32

Sassbott - my comments are based on the situation as described by the OP. I agree there could be more to this but we can't assume its the same as your situation either.
Each to their own but if you are actively discouraging the NRPs child from visiting as you 'need a break' whilst your daughter isn't going to their Dad's (which is happening here from what has been described) then you shouldn't really be involved with a man with kids. The wife in this case is clearly enjoying a double standard.

sassbott · 14/03/2021 19:56

I know it may not be my situation. As I said, either the wife is a witch. Or she isn’t.
Either way. Threads like this just make me send a prayer of thanks to whatever power is out there.
As much as I loved the ex and as brutally hard this break up has been, I don’t miss any of this nonsense.

fishonabicycle · 14/03/2021 22:18

Your wife sounds very unreasonable. You are expected to look after her daughters the bulk of the time for her, and she then resents any time you want to spend with your own son. Actually, not unreasonable, horrible.

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