End of the road?

[Antn]

Hi all,

I've joined this forum to post this as I no longer know what to do. I apologise if this is a long read.
My wife and I are literally about to separate. Today I packed a bag and left as I just could not deal with our problems anymore. I came home a few hours later as my stepdaughter was crying asking when would I be home.

My wife has 2 daughters from a previous relationship (11 & 13), and I have a son (8). Even though we have had lots of ups and downs, I love the girls and we generally have a really good relationship. I try to be involved in their lives and have reaped some incredible rewards from this.
My wife unfortunately has not formed the same bond with my son. This is ok. At first i was really upset by it, but understand that their relationship doesn't have to be the same as mine is with SDs. The problem is my wife really struggles with my son being here, and if anything it has got worse over the years as he has got older. To the point that I feel like I am acting differently to how i want, to try and make sure that my son doesn't 'annoy' my wife.
The girls spend weekdays and every other weekend with us, and my son comes over one night in the week and every other weekend (same weekend we have girls), although the oldest has now stopped seeing her dad (different jsut as long story) and is with us all the time.
At times my wife and her ex will change weekends etc and thats ok, but as soon as my ex has asked, its a problem.

What started today was my son ringing me and asking if he could come over to see me. I instantly started to make an excuse (and feel so guilty about that it hurts), and as soon as my wife realised what was going on she started saying 'god no' , 'I need a break' etc etc, and rolling her eyes.

Then my sons mother was in the background as obviously my son was getting upset and my wife lost it then and stormed upstairs. She says even the sound of my ex's voice drives her insane.
We then had a row, another one, about how she feels that my ex is always there in her house and that she sees me, my son and my ex as a package. I feel that her hatred towards my ex is aimed at my son. obviously there is a whole lot more that goes behind this but i would end up writing war and peace.

Anyway, thats when i packed a bag walked out and went to take my son out for a few hours.

My wife wants me to tell my ex to stay out of our lives. I find my ex annoying and she does message for stupid reasons, to an extent i see my wifes point. But also find her hypocritical when we change plans and run around doing pickups and dropoffs for her ex.
I asked her if i did this, would it change anything, and she said quite possibly not.

We are literally clinging on by our fingernails. I will loose my wife, my girls, my home, our business, our whole life we have built together, and my son will loose a family he is so found of. I don't know what too do.

Am i fighting a loosing battle? I feel like it. I feel like my wife has left the marriage already if i'm honest.

I am just looking for the other side of this story, advice or criticism

Thanks in advance

I find this situation quite hard to call. I think the comments about your wife having fatigue and being easily triggered due to earlier failures to effectively deal with the situation are probably quite accurate. Also, I have a SS that could easily be described as "needy", a "fussy eater" and "annoying", and in actuality he is really hard work and challenging, so I do think it's possible you are downplaying certain matters.

That's said, this is a woman who relies on you heavily for childcare of her two children, so she's not really in a position to be at her wits end with having to put up with these things.

Also, I have a SS that could easily be described as "needy", a "fussy eater" and "annoying", and in actuality he is really hard work and challenging

My SD was the same when she was younger (admittedly she's got better with age), but in the early days I used to find her behaviour really challenging, particularly around eating. Hence I stopped cooking meals for everyone when SCs were here (mostly because she refused to eat 90% of them and instead just glared at me across the table, then burst into tears for effect when her father walked into the room and started pandering to her ). So DP took over instead to save me the stress. Then, if she wasn't eating her meals, it was for him to feel stressed about as he was the one who'd spent ages cooking and not me.

I have been in the position your son is. There was no outright I don't like you from my dad's wife but it was clear she did not think of me as the main family unit (her two children, her and my dad) everytime I was around it was upto my dad to do stuff with me, any request I made was me being awkward and my dad made to feel he was actively putting my needs first when the truth is he wasn't. It was just normal things like her children would ask and be no problem such as going swimming etc.

They had counselling but as soon as my name was brought up she stormed out.
The snide comments and general unwelcoming atmosphere was enough in the end. Sure she would cook for me or do washing if I was there include it in her own children's but it was always a major thing.
In the end it became so obvious he left because the only thing she truly wanted was for me not to be around.

Even if she is all smiles on the surface your son will pick up on her attitude as she gets older and it does hurt.

I see no problem if you live close enough and have the space your son coming over when he likes after all it's his home too. It does not have to be so regulated. Of course you don't have to say yes everytime, when you have a weekend without her kids sometimes say no as it would be good for you to have adult time.

Blended families cannot work one sided and if you treat her children as your own in my opinon she should do the same for you and if she can't after all these years then she needs to be honest and walk away.
Your ex does not seem to reaching out too much from what you have said above.
Your wife is insecure and feels threatened by your relationship with your son until she gets over that you will keep going around in circles.

OP your wife's need for child free time seems to be only time free from your child which is fine, but by having her daughter full time it is apparent that she does not think that you might need child free time .

She leaves her children with you full time while she travels for work. Her sense of balance and fair play seems very skewed. Your son may be clingy ,but is her trying to cling to her. If she cooks a family meal, does it really matter that he is a picky eater? Once the meal is prepared, he should eat or not eat, but that does not mean that she has to prepare a different meal for him.

Your issues really seem to be neither child or ex related. Your wife's sense of balance and equitable give and take all seem to be enormously tilted in her favor. If she is finding her life to be too stressful , perhaps she should see a physician or seek therapy on her own. At the moment, she seems to be using you and by extension your son as scapegoats for what may be a greater issue.

I would tell her that your compromise is that your son will not be allowed to spend any more time at your house than her 13 year old spends and that he will be instructed not to make any requests of your wife. This is a very petty way for you to respond, but I think that it would at least put the issue of parity and fairness on the table. You should also stop accommodating her ex and you should not discuss your ex with your wife.

Perhaps your wife is tired of marriage. It may be far easier to blame your son and his mother than it is to admit that the problem lies within the relationship between the 2 of you. Seemingly she has tried marriage or committed relationship at least twice and is not finding a great deal of sustainability or satisfaction in that status.

Your wife isn't giving your son the same respect that you are giving her two daughters. Ask her how she would feel if you had flipped your lid and stormed up stairs having an adult tantrum when her oldest asked to stop seeing her dad, therefor never giving you a break from her.

This is hypothetical, but how would your wife react if, God forbid, your son's mum passed away and you had to have him 24/7?

I'm sorry but your wife sounds awful. She simply sounds as if she resents your son.

You have to put him first.

A dash of SD just dropping in and changing plans.
A cup full of ExW being a complete mentalist
A spoonful of Disney dadness
It’s a recipe for stress and upset

Bake a different cake 🧁

@Witchymclovely

A dash of SD just dropping in and changing plans. A cup full of ExW being a complete mentalist A spoonful of Disney dadness It’s a recipe for stress and upset

Bake a different cake 🧁

@Witchymclovely

A dash of SD just dropping in and changing plans. A cup full of ExW being a complete mentalist A spoonful of Disney dadness It’s a recipe for stress and upset

Bake a different cake 🧁

Yessss spot on!

Let me get this straight, your wife works away and leaves you to take care of her daughters all week on your own, but won't let your son come over for a few hours outside the normal schedule?

She can't separate her dislike for your ex from your own child?

None of that is right. You need to put your son first. She doesn't seem to want to save things, telling you that she doesn't need you around. I don't think there's anything to save at this point.

@Witchymclovely , but you've got the ingredients wrong. It's the current wife who's bonkers.

OP.. Your wife sounds unreasonable and exhibits double standards.

Chucking clothes in the machine is really no hardship and it really doesn't make sense for you to put a separate wash on just for your DS. That's not environmentally friendly and is an unnecessary cost.

The alternative is you doing your DSs washing and her DDs washing...which is the same difference. If she does have a problem doing it, then you should do it.

If 2 grown up adults have an issue with this, then what's the point in being together if you're that petty.

The fussy eating OTOH is something you should deal with, as it requires her making extra effort. You need to sort out your DSs food...that way you can get to know what he likes.

It sounds like she'd just rather not see your DS. Put him first, but don't storm out of the house, that I presume is jointly owned.

In the end it became so obvious he left because the only thing she truly wanted was for me not to be around.

I think this is what a lot of stepmother would really like, as the child is simply tolerated as a means of being in the relationship/marriage.

Even if she is all smiles on the surface your son will pick up on her attitude as she gets older and it does hurt.

I agree...yet so many SMs think they're hiding it.

@Footle maybe 🤣. Or she just got fed up with cake?!? Either way no one is happy are they, least of all the children. Sometimes it’s just too hard and you’ve got to know when to walk away. If your worrying about houses and businesses if you spilt etc then surely you’ve already mentally left the relationship?!? And if I’m honest I don’t think you’ve mentioned anything that’s particularly challenging OP -unless there is more back story and there’s always more back story - that if you both want it to work and love each other that you can’t work out. It sounds like you both need a good bloody talking too.

[quote Footle]@Witchymclovely , but you've got the ingredients wrong. It's the current wife who's bonkers. [/quote]
i dont think we can say that - sure, she doesnt sound very nice at all, but a lot of what op has said doesnt make any sense...

i imagine its pretty easy to go a bit mad when living with someone like that you know...

@SandyY2K

OP.. Your wife sounds unreasonable and exhibits double standards.

Chucking clothes in the machine is really no hardship and it really doesn't make sense for you to put a separate wash on just for your DS. That's not environmentally friendly and is an unnecessary cost.

The alternative is you doing your DSs washing and her DDs washing...which is the same difference. If she does have a problem doing it, then you should do it.

If 2 grown up adults have an issue with this, then what's the point in being together if you're that petty.

The fussy eating OTOH is something you should deal with, as it requires her making extra effort. You need to sort out your DSs food...that way you can get to know what he likes.

It sounds like she'd just rather not see your DS. Put him first, but don't storm out of the house, that I presume is jointly owned.

In the end it became so obvious he left because the only thing she truly wanted was for me not to be around.

I think this is what a lot of stepmother would really like, as the child is simply tolerated as a means of being in the relationship/marriage.

Even if she is all smiles on the surface your son will pick up on her attitude as she gets older and it does hurt.

I agree...yet so many SMs think they're hiding it.

why cant he do the whole wash then?

I hate this - ooooh its no trouble for her, but if he has to do it.. oh there is no point, its not hard for her bla bla. its the principle. Its his child and hes bleating he does all the childcare, but clearly none of the work. I am willing to bet his idea of "childcare" is simply being in the same building as his son.

Trustthegenie, OP is doing more parenting of her own children than she is. Yet shes being portrayed here as the poor put upon SM who is being left with all the grunt work.
Shes a spiteful woman who wants you to parent her children only op

@Oswin the dw IS parenting her dc by going out to work to provide for them!
We don't know their domestic situation as op has not stated WHY he's doing childcare. Maybe she's the only earner.
I'm not saying the dw is in the right here at all - but there's a lot of 'gaps' in the op's telling of things imo.

@Oswin

Trustthegenie, OP is doing more parenting of her own children than she is. Yet shes being portrayed here as the poor put upon SM who is being left with all the grunt work. Shes a spiteful woman who wants you to parent her children only op

It's a bit of a red herring because they live together, and he has agreed to take this on - if he is unhappy with this then a discussion needs to be had and things need to change, however it doesn't seem to be a problem for him. Just because he does things for her children, he cannot reasonably just expect the same in return, it doesn't work like that.

I don't think she is being portrayed as anything - he said she cooks and washes for his child - i said i dont think its her job to do that if she doesnt want to.

Yes, OP tried to make out his wife was some kind of victim, then revealed perfectly normal behaviour that was the cause of her "being a victim", then sat back as the "ohhhh, the awful woman" came rolling in. That's gaslighting.

The wife hasn't had enough after 6 years because of 3 texts a month from the ex saying "what time shall I collect DS".

OP then goes on to call the ex "a shit".

I'd be pretty certain that it's not the wife that's the problem here at all. It's the husband and how he's conducted himself with his ex, and subsequently following that through to his son, that is the problem.

I imagine there are many a conversation that's been had with him and his ex about the wife "not accepting his son." When actually, she won't accept the completely inappropriate interference that her husband enables from his ex and sees this now indirectly happening again with the child, who it appears at age 8, phones and expects to be picked up there and then. 8 year olds are not in control of contact arrangements. The fact the father says he feels sick about having to turn his son down because of "the evil SM" is absurd, the only nonsense here, is one parent (probably deliberately) putting the 8yr old on the phone during non contact time, so the 8yr old to demand to be picked up, and for the other parent to rush to do this. Should the wife point out what a farce this is, and it absolutely is, the husband critiques her. What he should be doing is telling the ex to parent his son properly in the time she is supposed to be having him, and not instigate these situations.

He's got no respect for his wife and every excuse for himself and the ex. And she's had it after 6yrs. What's she supposed to do, sit it out for a 7th? She's removing herself from a situation where she is sick of being the "bad guy" because of her audacity to not allow this piss take to continue.

You say your ex is a shit?
What do you mean by that?
What has she done?
How would you say you parent your kid?
Does he get away with alot?
She sounds like she resents you.
Did you wait too long to act in regard to your ex and let it fester for years?
It's difficult being a step mum and I think your post is to vague to be able to comment.
I would actually be glad she's being totally honest here on her feelings in a way even if it hurts..
She's telling you how she feels. Try to understand why?
She sounds overloaded.

It astounds me that a situation such as:

During non contact time, ex continually hands phone to 8yr old to insist daddy picks him up.

Is met with daddy jumping immediately to meet that request and finger pointing at his wife if she says anything about it.

Why is it not met with:

Ex, you need to pack this in. This is your time to enjoy our son, and you seem to spend working him up about seeing me, then immediately dialling my number, putting him on the phone in this wound up state wanting his daddy, knowing full well if I don't meet this, he'll be upset, plus you use it as an opportunity to chime up in the background.
This is using him for your own deliberate motive and it needs to stop. If you carry on, it will raise the question why my son who has seen me (for example) three days prior, is on the phone, desperate to get out of your house.
We both know what you're doing. It stops now.

OP then allows the "reason" he acts the former, as "if I don't it's clearly my wife not wanting me to have a relationship with my son."

No wonder she's out of there.

@AfterEightsBeforeEight

It astounds me that a situation such as:

During non contact time, ex continually hands phone to 8yr old to insist daddy picks him up.

Is met with daddy jumping immediately to meet that request and finger pointing at his wife if she says anything about it.

Why is it not met with:

Ex, you need to pack this in. This is your time to enjoy our son, and you seem to spend working him up about seeing me, then immediately dialling my number, putting him on the phone in this wound up state wanting his daddy, knowing full well if I don't meet this, he'll be upset, plus you use it as an opportunity to chime up in the background.
This is using him for your own deliberate motive and it needs to stop. If you carry on, it will raise the question why my son who has seen me (for example) three days prior, is on the phone, desperate to get out of your house.
We both know what you're doing. It stops now.

OP then allows the "reason" he acts the former, as "if I don't it's clearly my wife not wanting me to have a relationship with my son."

No wonder she's out of there.

Why assume it’s the “shit” ex who makes the boy contact his dad? Most 8 year old boys adore their dads and want to see them. I agree that OP may not be as saintly as he makes out. Calling your son’s mother a shit just for sending some messages isn’t great really, is it?

At least OP does respond well to his child despite the new wife resenting the boy.

Difficult dynamic all round.

So your wife is happy for her daughters to be there full time if they wish but struggles with your son being there?

I feel so sorry for you, your son, and your stepdaughters but this can't go on.

Either your wife needs to wake up to the fact that all three children are equally important or you need to split in order to protect your son.

It sounds like you have built a good relationship with your stepdaughters, would your wife be open to you continuing this relationship if you split?

If not I would write a letter explaining that you still care for them even though you and their mum split and that you'd be happy to see them once they are adults if they want to find you.

I'm sorry OP. This must be so hard .

What does your wife do that takes her away all week? I'm not questioning that per se as I usually work away in the week but then I treasure my weekends with my family.

She is coming across as a drama queen and the stereotypical stepmother. Would her sister have come and looked after the girls all week and every week if you left? Why are the girls not talking to you?