End of the road?

[Antn]

Hi all,

I've joined this forum to post this as I no longer know what to do. I apologise if this is a long read.
My wife and I are literally about to separate. Today I packed a bag and left as I just could not deal with our problems anymore. I came home a few hours later as my stepdaughter was crying asking when would I be home.

My wife has 2 daughters from a previous relationship (11 & 13), and I have a son (8). Even though we have had lots of ups and downs, I love the girls and we generally have a really good relationship. I try to be involved in their lives and have reaped some incredible rewards from this.
My wife unfortunately has not formed the same bond with my son. This is ok. At first i was really upset by it, but understand that their relationship doesn't have to be the same as mine is with SDs. The problem is my wife really struggles with my son being here, and if anything it has got worse over the years as he has got older. To the point that I feel like I am acting differently to how i want, to try and make sure that my son doesn't 'annoy' my wife.
The girls spend weekdays and every other weekend with us, and my son comes over one night in the week and every other weekend (same weekend we have girls), although the oldest has now stopped seeing her dad (different jsut as long story) and is with us all the time.
At times my wife and her ex will change weekends etc and thats ok, but as soon as my ex has asked, its a problem.

What started today was my son ringing me and asking if he could come over to see me. I instantly started to make an excuse (and feel so guilty about that it hurts), and as soon as my wife realised what was going on she started saying 'god no' , 'I need a break' etc etc, and rolling her eyes.

Then my sons mother was in the background as obviously my son was getting upset and my wife lost it then and stormed upstairs. She says even the sound of my ex's voice drives her insane.
We then had a row, another one, about how she feels that my ex is always there in her house and that she sees me, my son and my ex as a package. I feel that her hatred towards my ex is aimed at my son. obviously there is a whole lot more that goes behind this but i would end up writing war and peace.

Anyway, thats when i packed a bag walked out and went to take my son out for a few hours.

My wife wants me to tell my ex to stay out of our lives. I find my ex annoying and she does message for stupid reasons, to an extent i see my wifes point. But also find her hypocritical when we change plans and run around doing pickups and dropoffs for her ex.
I asked her if i did this, would it change anything, and she said quite possibly not.

We are literally clinging on by our fingernails. I will loose my wife, my girls, my home, our business, our whole life we have built together, and my son will loose a family he is so found of. I don't know what too do.

Am i fighting a loosing battle? I feel like it. I feel like my wife has left the marriage already if i'm honest.

I am just looking for the other side of this story, advice or criticism

Thanks in advance

I'm not good with change 🤦🏼‍♀️ have an extra child there unexpectedly when in my head there was a different plan would really get to me. Would be nothing to do with the DC just that things were never "certain".

I know how your wife feels. My DP’s ex seemed to be always ‘here’ - messaging, calling him about trivial shit, there in the background chipping in whenever the DCs video call him. I got so fed up with hearing her voice bellowing around my house that now he takes the phone in the other room whenever it rings, just in case she’s there, using the DCs phones as she knows he won’t always answer to her.

The telling line in your OP for me is that when you swap weekends it means your DW is frustrated because she wants a break. Having her DCs there most of the time means her kid free time is precious, not just from a physical perspective but being able to mentally take a break from parenting. It does sound like you’re an involved step parent but even so, if the majority of parenting and housework usually falls to her, the weekends when her DC see their dad is her downtime and presumably the only time for the two of you to hang out as adults together. Obviously you’re overjoyed at getting to spend time with your DS who you see less, but to her it means that she’s still on parent duty.

I know there are all sorts of intertwined things going on in blended families that mean one persons gain is sometimes someone else’s loss, but you need to learn to understand what it looks like from her perspective if you want your marriage to work.

As an example, whenever I would visit DP his ex would be there hanging out with the DC at his house, she’d also be there with them when he’s with me. It came across like she’s there all the time, so I stopped going over there. He got annoyed as he felt like he was the only one making any effort but wouldn’t see that the reason I don’t go to his house is that she’s always there! Since making it clear to him that I will only go over if I know she’s not going to be waltzing in, funnily enough she’s not there as often and hence I go over more. Actually listening to what I said, rather than his previous tactic of trying to tell me “that’s not how it is, she isn’t here all the time” (when my experience of that is different) has meant my attitude to visiting his house has changed.

You need to stop being on opposite sides here, with you the ex and your DS on one team and your DW on the other, and try to see things from her side. If she’s willing to end your marriage over this, it’s important to her so understand why. I can guarantee you it isn’t because she’s unhappy about you spending time with your DS.

@RandomMess

I'm not good with change 🤦🏼‍♀️ have an extra child there unexpectedly when in my head there was a different plan would really get to me. Would be nothing to do with the DC just that things were never "certain".

and yes to this too.

I’m an introvert and like to know what’s going on, so any kind of change, especially one that means my quiet time is interrupted would be difficult for me too.

I've just gone back through my phone to see my responses. So from the beginning of the year I have had 10 messages. 4 about online school work/ lessons and i replied to 1 saying ok., 3 asking what time am i picking up/dropping son - reply the time, 1 thread from my son, 1 asking what dates i had booked holiday - reply the dates. A text about my sons new glasses and him being worried about it. - conversation with her about things to try to make him okay with them

Ok so none of that is trivial or unreasonable. And not excessive in frequency for coparents either.

That’s not what she’s upset about is it. There must have been a lot more and lot less child-centric before this to have got her so annoyed.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

I know how your wife feels. My DP’s ex seemed to be always ‘here’ - messaging, calling him about trivial shit, there in the background chipping in whenever the DCs video call him. I got so fed up with hearing her voice bellowing around my house that now he takes the phone in the other room whenever it rings, just in case she’s there, using the DCs phones as she knows he won’t always answer to her.

The telling line in your OP for me is that when you swap weekends it means your DW is frustrated because she wants a break. Having her DCs there most of the time means her kid free time is precious, not just from a physical perspective but being able to mentally take a break from parenting. It does sound like you’re an involved step parent but even so, if the majority of parenting and housework usually falls to her, the weekends when her DC see their dad is her downtime and presumably the only time for the two of you to hang out as adults together. Obviously you’re overjoyed at getting to spend time with your DS who you see less, but to her it means that she’s still on parent duty.

I know there are all sorts of intertwined things going on in blended families that mean one persons gain is sometimes someone else’s loss, but you need to learn to understand what it looks like from her perspective if you want your marriage to work.

As an example, whenever I would visit DP his ex would be there hanging out with the DC at his house, she’d also be there with them when he’s with me. It came across like she’s there all the time, so I stopped going over there. He got annoyed as he felt like he was the only one making any effort but wouldn’t see that the reason I don’t go to his house is that she’s always there! Since making it clear to him that I will only go over if I know she’s not going to be waltzing in, funnily enough she’s not there as often and hence I go over more. Actually listening to what I said, rather than his previous tactic of trying to tell me “that’s not how it is, she isn’t here all the time” (when my experience of that is different) has meant my attitude to visiting his house has changed.

You need to stop being on opposite sides here, with you the ex and your DS on one team and your DW on the other, and try to see things from her side. If she’s willing to end your marriage over this, it’s important to her so understand why. I can guarantee you it isn’t because she’s unhappy about you spending time with your DS.

Literally your first paragraph is exactly the same here.

In terms of a break, we have her eldest child all of the time. Yes she has worked bloody hard recently and I understand she wants a break, so do i! Since the beginning of Feb the wife has been home a total of 8 days (leaves early on tuesday morning and comes home sat night) so i am the one responsible for the kids.

The girls dad had the youngest for an extra day last week, and i had to drop her over to him as he doesn't drive.
So i completely understand her wanting some along time without kids! 100%

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

I've just gone back through my phone to see my responses. So from the beginning of the year I have had 10 messages. 4 about online school work/ lessons and i replied to 1 saying ok., 3 asking what time am i picking up/dropping son - reply the time, 1 thread from my son, 1 asking what dates i had booked holiday - reply the dates. A text about my sons new glasses and him being worried about it. - conversation with her about things to try to make him okay with them

Ok so none of that is trivial or unreasonable. And not excessive in frequency for coparents either.

That’s not what she’s upset about is it. There must have been a lot more and lot less child-centric before this to have got her so annoyed.

Yes i agree at the start the messages were a hell of a lot more frequent and pointless, and the ex really was a shit. I told her to stop messaging me so much , and she did, and it has reduced loads, not completely but its better. I am not saying my wife doesn't have a reason to be pissed with the ex, but also, after 6 years I would have hoped that she would not still be taking it on on son.

@Marty13

Sorry, forgot to add - is there any particular issues between your son and wife ? Is he misbehaving ? That wouldn't make your wife's behaviour okay, but it'd be slightly more understandable.

She finds him very 'needy' and struggles with him being a fussy eater, and then just generally he annoys her

[quote Magda72]@Antn I think one of two things is going on here.

1. your wife is indeed intolerant of your son & using double standards (& yes you would be best off leaving), or
2. she is just worn out by everything at the moment - working long hours, issues with her eldest & her df, pandemic etc. & is possibly getting irritated by the lack of fixed schedule re your son & some unnecessary communication from your ex (the glasses txt for eg). Stuff like this can seem massively intrusive when you're already frazzled & worn out but only you know which of the above is the most likely scenario. I'm a dm & when I was with exdp I would never relay communications between exh & I to him.
   Why would l? However I would also not encourage my dc to ring him wanting to go over outside access hours as it would put exh on the spot, possibly not suit him or his dw & could potentially upset the kids - unfair on everyone.
   I'm in no way saying your wife's behaviour is acceptable, however if it's no. 2 above I can understand how she might just be fed up with everything & is not handling it well. In my experience when women withdraw & cease communication it's often because they feel like they are just not being listened to/have had to put up with a certain situation for way too long. Do you mind me asking how she handled you leaving & then coming back? Was she upset or did she just not seem bothered?[/quote] She was extremely angry when i got back, understandably so i guess.

She asked why i was back, Is said youngest SD was on phone crying asking if i was coming home. I said to her i would be there by the time she got back from her dads. which i was.

Wife said i shouldn't have bothered, that they don't need me to be here.

Thankyou for all of your messages, it has been incredible to read and has really left me so serious amounts to think about.

The wife had asked her sister to come look after the kids when she didn't know what i was doing. But when i got back she rang her sister and said it's ok i'm home.

Wife has now knobbed back off to work for the week, and I am looking after two girls who can't even speak to me.. Karama eh

This is not sounding right to me. You initially gave the impression that your wife was becoming fed up of your exs inappropriate over involvement.

Then revealed you have had only 10 texts over three months all discussing very appropriate things regarding your son, basic things like drop off times.

If this is true, then your wife would be unreasonable. However, it concerns me that this is how you portrayed her, as if there were a situation that would be unacceptable, then "revealed" how there was nothing in it.

There's obviously an issue and where it stems from only you will know the real truth. But your posts read like you claimed she was most upset over inappropriate contact with you ex, then went on to reveal contact that you know perfectly well is not what would ever be considered inappropriate.

I really feel for your wife here.

This is not fair on your son at all (I appreciate you know this a little bit, but you need to know this properly.) given if it can’t be worked out you must end the relationship, I’d take it back to a basic level of fair. ‘You can’t even be nice to my son, and expect me to actively care for your children. You will have to not work away from now on as I’m done letting anyone , no matter how much I love them, treat my son as a waste of space in his own home. I certainly won’t happily parent your children while you do this.’ Can you book a holiday with your son? Maybe to stay at your parents? Both so you get some pressure free time with him and your wife has to parent her own children without you and think? Book for as soon as you could have him and find somewhere to go, not around your wife’s schedule at all.

@AfterEightsBeforeEight

This is not sounding right to me. You initially gave the impression that your wife was becoming fed up of your exs inappropriate over involvement.

Then revealed you have had only 10 texts over three months all discussing very appropriate things regarding your son, basic things like drop off times.

If this is true, then your wife would be unreasonable. However, it concerns me that this is how you portrayed her, as if there were a situation that would be unacceptable, then "revealed" how there was nothing in it.

There's obviously an issue and where it stems from only you will know the real truth. But your posts read like you claimed she was most upset over inappropriate contact with you ex, then went on to reveal contact that you know perfectly well is not what would ever be considered inappropriate.

I really feel for your wife here.

I agree ☝️

Ok I think you have revealed the issues:

DW doesn't like your DS neediness
DW doesn't like your DS fussy eating
DW finds your DS irritating
DW hit her limit on your ex intrusion and your lack of dealing with it early on several years ago
DW perceives you as pandering to your DS and historically your ex

Honestly I think it's terminal and that your DW has lost respect for you and sees you as spineless.

You actually then came back because your DSD wanted you there - again pandering to there instead of listening to her.

I think your DW has already left the relationship. It's time for a very very honest discussion as to whether she thinks any of it salvageable including whether she can actually accept your DS and not be irritated by him. If she can't end it ASAP

Do you do always do things all together as a family, or at times do you take your son out places by yourself and leave wife to have quality time with her girls?

Reason I ask is, I'm SM to 2 kids and I have my own DD. It's not so much of an issue now as all 3 kids are either teens or very close to teen years, so their behaviour has become naturally easier and they are more independent etc. But in the earlier days when they were younger, I honestly found the SCs behaviour quite difficult at times (fighting, sulking etc), and because I only had one DD, who was relatively easier to manage and entertain, I would find it really draining at times to do things all together. I was honest and up front with DP about this, and our solution was some contact time would be just him and his kids doing something nice for the day, leaving me and DD to have quality 1-1 time, and then all come back together at the end of the day. When that pressure to constantly be "together" as a blended family unit every single contact time was removed, I relaxed massively, and the time we did spend altogether was much more enjoyable.

This may not be relevant in your case, but I'm just putting it out there just in case as something to think about, especially if your wife is finding your son's behaviour difficult at times. Not sure if that helps at all.

Honestly OP, your wife sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Obviously she’s not all bad or you wouldn’t have married her in the first place but these problems are huge and a real reflection on her character.

I have a step daughter who has also been incredibly needy, very fussy eater and at times has been just completely rude to me but not one part of me would let her know that I have ever been annoyed by her.

I am living with her other parent and a child deserves unconditional love from their parent. I am not going to then make a child feel unwelcome in their parents home which should also be there’s. I would also never make my husband feel like he had to chose between us.

At times I have had to bring up unpleasant conversations about SD’s behaviour and the way he parents but we have worked through it and 6 years later, things are much better and we are all a family.

Your wife sounds incredibly self indulgent and selfish.

I will just add that my husband has tackled every problem as it arose and has set boundaries from the beginning. If this it not the case with you then I would retract my previous message and say it is a problem you have massively contributed to.

OP, how does your wife actually behave around your son, I'm not clear from your posts. It's clear she voices to you how she feels about him, but does she make it obvious to him too that she finds him annoying etc?

I never did this - I spoke directly to DP about how I felt and we worked out a plan to have individual 1-1 time with our own dc as well as all doing stuff together (as per my previous post), and it helped hugely. But I'd never have let the kids know directly that they were irritating me with their behaviour. Obviously if she's doing that, it's quite different.

@Teardrop2021

You're wife sounds a heartless cow is it any hardship making extra food once a week a 2 a month and adding his clothes to the wash. Poor thing. To make him feel so welcome when he made her girls welcome the double standards is shocking. As for the ex that level of contact is not alot. Me and ex speak alot more we rang each other to dicuss uniforms as ds had our grow his as we cooparent he cheated previously but its water under the bridge and we are both married and it long established relationships its ds thats priority.

i dont agree with this - OP should be doing his washing and cooking the days he is there.

Youre saying its no hardship - well then his actual parent needs to be doing it

after 6 years I would have hoped that she would not still be taking it on on son.

She's not, she's just had enough of you still pandering to your ex (you're definitely not giving the full story here), and now this pandering has appeared in the son you have with her as well.

If you'd supported your wife, half as much as the way you pander to a woman you call "a shit" and running to pick up an 8yr old the moment he clicks his fingers, then you wouldn't find yourself at the point where your wife has checked out. I'm not surprised she has.

I'm going to make a complete assumption here, but I'd bet my bottom dollar that the ex is saying to the son "do you miss daddy? do you want to call him, you'd love to see him, oh he loves you so much, do you want to see him now?" and smiling as she hands him the phone. She then pipes up in the background when he's on the phone, knowing exactly what she's just orchestrated, but making out like it's all the child. And you've even made it "right" in your mind that if you don't go running straight to this child as soon as he calls, that it's your wife having a problem with you seeing your son!

Congratulations on what you've enabled your ex to do. She is the only one that wins here. You could, and should have stopped that. Don't blame your poor wife who's just had the straw that broke the camels back after 6 years of this.

Op - you say the texts from your ex are excessive and trivial - then you say youve had 10 texts since christmas and theyre about contact?

which is it?

@Ermintrude74

You've had 10 texts off your ex in the space of a little over 2 months? All of them about arrangements or your son's general welfare? And your wife thinks this is excessive and something to flounce and kick off about? And she isn't welcoming when your 8 year old son wants to come and see his dad? Wow.

It would break my heart to think of my children being that unwelcome in their dad's home.

Your wife sounds like a real piece of work. I can't believe she has kids of her own and cannot extend any empathy or warmth to yours. Your poor little boy.

Totally agree.

@AfterEightsBeforeEight

after 6 years I would have hoped that she would not still be taking it on on son.

She's not, she's just had enough of you still pandering to your ex (you're definitely not giving the full story here), and now this pandering has appeared in the son you have with her as well.

If you'd supported your wife, half as much as the way you pander to a woman you call "a shit" and running to pick up an 8yr old the moment he clicks his fingers, then you wouldn't find yourself at the point where your wife has checked out. I'm not surprised she has.

I'm going to make a complete assumption here, but I'd bet my bottom dollar that the ex is saying to the son "do you miss daddy? do you want to call him, you'd love to see him, oh he loves you so much, do you want to see him now?" and smiling as she hands him the phone. She then pipes up in the background when he's on the phone, knowing exactly what she's just orchestrated, but making out like it's all the child. And you've even made it "right" in your mind that if you don't go running straight to this child as soon as he calls, that it's your wife having a problem with you seeing your son!

Congratulations on what you've enabled your ex to do. She is the only one that wins here. You could, and should have stopped that. Don't blame your poor wife who's just had the straw that broke the camels back after 6 years of this.

100%. I thought the exact same thing.

*Op - you say the texts from your ex are excessive and trivial - then you say youve had 10 texts since christmas and theyre about contact?

which is it?*

This is such a massive indication of what's really going on.

"My wife behaves a certain way because I'm so awful to her"

(Knowingly lists ten lovely things he supposedly does, anyone would be glad their husband did)

"Oh, you mean these aren't awful things? I had no idea"

You can read a lot between the lines with this thread.

*OP should be doing his washing and cooking the days he is there.

Youre saying its no hardship - well then his actual parent needs to be doing it*

Agree. I do very little in practical terms for my SCs when they are here - DP does it all.

I do all of the childcare when he is here.

Yet she does his washing and cooks for him? So you don't do "all" of the childcare for him.