Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

But you've invented OP being in an abusive situation. You made it up.

Just like someone has invented OP's mistreatment of a child. Unless anyone can give a specific concrete example of how she has done that?

But you've invented OP being in an abusive situation. You made it up
Refusing to engage except to shout “you’re evil” when your partner tries to discuss something important to them is abusive.

I think you are being unreasonable. You chose to have a child with a man who already had a child. How would you feel if you were the child who wasn't welcome in her Dad's house?

@Crystalclair

No not quite aSofaNearYou. OP has expressed in more ways and one that she doesn't like the DSC around, and wants it to be just the three of them. She wants to exclude her from holidays, Christmas and counts down the hours until she goes back to her mums. Quite different to what you're suggesting here.

Nope, I'm aware of all that. I count down the hours til my SS goes back too, he's a giant PITA a lot of the time. She wanted an adult holiday with her partner, I remember the thread.

I'm perfectly aware OP doesn't want her SC around and that that's not productive and won't work going forward. My point is she has been treated awfully by her partner which is very likely the cause of her very unhealthy mindset, and needs to be empowered to see that she deserves better and remove herself from the situation. People that are treated that way tend to have low self worth. A load of strangers piling on the bile is only going to make the situation worse, which clearly shows that nobody is actually bothered about helping the 5 year old, they just want to make a punching bag out of OP.

Louj85 - I dont know of you have children of your own, but honestly, if you were the mother of that 5 year old girl, how would you feel if she was being actively pushed out by SM? How would you feel for your child? Not being wanted around because SM has a new baby. Because if her partner does what OP wants, that is what will happen.

@Youseethethingis

But you've invented OP being in an abusive situation. You made it up Refusing to engage except to shout “you’re evil” when your partner tries to discuss something important to them is abusive.

Exactly! It's a relief to see I'm not the only one that thinks so.

No, sorry aSofaNearYou, not enabling a grown woman to play victim when she clearly wants an idyllic life that doesn't include the DSC she KNEW would be in her life. I admire her partner for standing firm for his child.

I've been the SM, DM and in an abusive relationship and I can still see she is in the wrong here.

Refusing to engage except to shout “you’re evil” when your partner tries to discuss something important to them is abusive

You've made that up too! OP never said that at all.

You've clearly got some issues of your own but you've basically invented a whole scenario for OP that she never described.

@Crystalclair

Louj85 - I dont know of you have children of your own, but honestly, if you were the mother of that 5 year old girl, how would you feel if she was being actively pushed out by SM? How would you feel for your child? Not being wanted around because SM has a new baby. Because if her partner does what OP wants, that is what will happen.

Yes - I am a mother to a teenage girl.

A few years ago when her Dad and SM had their first baby together, they asked me could they play it by ear as to when SM would feel recovered enough to have my Dd stay. You know what I said? Of course - take your time. There's no rush - she has the rest of her life to meet her, etc. In other words, I was understanding of the SM's needs in that particular situation and always have been. She's a mum, like me, just the same. And thankfully, my partner understands that the same understanding needs to be extended to me when I give birth to our new baby in a few months time.

In other words, I'm able to see other adults (even my child's SM!) as humans with feelings. And I'm able to understand that an extra weekend or two with me as her Mum, in favour of allowing her Dad and SM some space, is no way damaging to my little girl because she still has me.

Yet I've seen multiple threads on here over the years about how "damaging" it is for SKs to not meet the new baby the instant they pop out - how dare you contemplate "sending the other kids away" etc etc (when "sending away" doesn't mean that at all - it means they stay with their own mum for a bit longer).

I can't comment specifically on Mother's Day - I've never been apart from my DD on that day and wouldn't personally want to, for my own reasons.

Interesting how no one has provided concrete examples of the OP's alleged mistreatment of a child, either.

Without meaning this to sound horrible, I assume you were aware your partner already had a child when you started dating, therefore in my opinion it was your choice to take on the stepchild as well. I would not expect to live this child exactly how much I love my own, but I’d never show that to the child and I would absolutely never argue his child having to come first. Similarly, if you ever split you would never be happy with him putting your joint second. That’s parenting for you. You treat the children the SAME, regardless.

@AtSwimTwoBerts
We remember the OPs previous thread. It isn’t made up.
OPs partners generally seems to treat her like a non-person in the name of “being a good dad” so this particular step family was never going to be happy or healthy.

@LouJ85

Interesting how no one has provided concrete examples of the OP's alleged mistreatment of a child, either.

Well it's the ops thread so it's not surprising she's chosen to try and only portray her hard-done-to-ness. No one is suggesting she's pulling her hair or locking her in a cupboard but the whole "on edge" whenever she's around most be creating a LOVELY atmosphere that's healthy for a young child who's going through a big change with complicated feelings she's too little to fully understand. And the fact that op would clearly reduce contact time if she had a choice as she doesn't want her around for anything that might be special

@SleepingStandingUp

The word "mistreating" a child was used. It's a serious allegation. So I asked that poster for concrete examples - funnily enough they didn't respond.

@SleepingStandingUp

Feeling "on edge" around a child, is not mistreating them I'm afraid.

I'll openly admit that I feel less relaxed overall (I wouldn't use the term "on edge", but less relaxed) when my SKs are here, compared to when they are not.

So am I also mistreating them?

No one is suggesting she's pulling her hair or locking her in a cupboard but the whole "on edge" whenever she's around most be creating a LOVELY atmosphere that's healthy for a young child who's going through a big change with complicated feelings she's too little to fully understand. And the fact that op would clearly reduce contact time if she had a choice as she doesn't want her around for anything that might be special

So you're basing your definition of "mistreating" on the tenuous assumption that OPs private feelings must be obvious to a 5 year old?

Ok then. Not quite as problematic as shouting "you're evil" at someone but of course, that's all fine if it's directed at an adult.

[quote LouJ85]@SleepingStandingUp

Feeling "on edge" around a child, is not mistreating them I'm afraid. [/quote]
It wasn't my word, it didn't requote it. My point was that she's helping to create an unhappy home for both children because of a choice she actively made - to take on a step child and have more children.

Ultimately the only reasonable advice is to leave.

Either he is abusive and had led to op feeling like this because he treats her so badly, or he's not but he's at the end of his tether with op constantly sidelining his child and wanting to exclude her.

Unless they're prepared to engage with counselling all that will happen is two innocent kids will grow up in an unhappy home from of resentment

Trying to get between a child and their parent can be characterised as mistreatment, I guess.

Also, if you think a child doesn't know when someone dislikes them being around to the point the adult feels sick and cries about it, you're mad. They're young, they aren't idiots. You know where you're not wanted!!

@LouJ85

I'll openly admit that I feel less relaxed overall (I wouldn't use the term "on edge", but less relaxed) when my SKs are here, compared to when they are not.

So am I also mistreating them?

There's a massive difference between on edge and less relaxed. I feel less relaxed when the kids are here. And they all came out of me. Doesn't mean o don't want them and that I'm not happy to forgo relaxation to spend time them.

On edge to me suggests a level of active dislike, distrust, wanting to do anything to make it end or get away.

Does you SD not celebrate you as her stepmum on Mother's Day? I think your husband needs to acknowledge you as a stepmum on Mother's Day.

@AtSwimTwoBerts

Trying to get between a child and their parent can be characterised as mistreatment, I guess.

Also, if you think a child doesn't know when someone dislikes them being around to the point the adult feels sick and cries about it, you're mad. They're young, they aren't idiots. You know where you're not wanted!!

How is OP "trying to get between" the child and her father? Do we have concrete examples?