Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

Horrendous attitudes here. People including step mum have feelings. It's all well and good telling someone they are wrong or a nasty person but their feelings are there all the same. Perhaps giving support would be a better way for the step mum to move past this. She is a new mum, this plays havoc with your hormones and feelings. A 5 year old who has never known her parents together ( you can't miss what you have never experienced) and if like most 5 year old has the attention span of a nat will not be emotionally damaged for having one day about mothers day with her step mum or maybe spending that day making a fuss of her. I have never advocated for stopping the arrangements only offering support that maybe these little first are different from what you imagined. It doesn't mean you have lost what you want. We are all entitled to feel how we feel. Because guess what ,no one can tell you to stop having these thoughts and feelings like its a tap.

@funinthesun19

There are some absolutely pathetic women on here bleating on about how step mothers deserve all the first time mummy experiences

Of course they deserve all of those first time mummy experiences. They’re just as much of a mum as the other ones, so why shouldn’t they?

When I was a stepmum, I never felt like I couldn’t enjoy my children’s firsts. If anyone told me I should suppress my feelings because I’m being pathetic and stepmums aren’t allowed to enjoy their children’s firsts, I would have told them to fuck off.

My ex has gone through firsts before with his eldest, but that didn’t bother me to be honest. That’s him. My experience and journey as a parent is different to his and that’s the point. My eldest child is his second but he’s my first.

I’ve enjoyed all of my children’s firsts just as I have always had the right to, and when I was a stepmum I didn’t feel pathetic for wanting the first time mummy experiences with my own children.

People need to accept that a stepmum is going to be excited about her child and will enjoy being a first time mum just like any other mum.

ALL of this.
I'm a SM, but I'm also expecting mine and DP's first baby together in a few months.
And you know what? I can't wait for all those firsts, they're going to be amazing as they should be.
And you know what else? Neither can he - he's excited for me to do all those firsts with him too with our own baby.
I'd also be telling anyone who told us otherwise to fuck right off!

@Crystalclair

aSofaNearYou- but in a previous thread, the OP claims she was obsessed with her DSC until her baby came along.

Anyone with more than one child knows that when a new baby comes along, the older sibling will be experiencing jealousy and need reassurance. Sounds like the 5 year old is feeling just that, and the OP partner is in fact giving the older DC the extra attention she needs right now. That sounds to me like he is a good parent.

I'm sure the OP would be devastated at her child's feelings not being met if the shoe was on the other foot.

We all experience unreasonable feelings at times. But it is for OP to come to terms with without it impacting her DSC.

If my partner told me he wanted to exclude my child for any reason, I'd hit the roof and have no respect for him.

Yes, and in the process, as keeps getting ignored, he repeatedly gets "extremely defensive" about his daughter and calls OP evil. I have a word for that behaviour. It isn't being a good dad, it is being a gaslighting and abusive partner.

He knows she does NOT have experience of having more than one child so if he was genuinely just a kind, loving man giving his child a little more attention after the birth of a sibling, then he would explain that calmly to OP rather than reacting as he does.

Hitting the roof in this manner is not the behaviour of somebody that deserves to be in a romantic relationship.

OP says she does not want to leave her partner and end up a single parent herself, which I understand, but in my opinion, he has really messed with her head. I don't think further impressing on someone who is frequently gaslit by her partner how much of a monster she is is helpful, in fact I see it as extremely worrying and cruel.

@Youseethethingis

You took on someone with a child already so you don't get to do Mothers Day or anything at all with just 'your' child unless that suits the ex Taken in splendid isolation, this statement is why so many marriages and relationships involving steps and ex’s go tits up. In the name of all that is holy, why should any adult put up with their entire lives revolving around what suits another person they may not even have met? Everyone knows compromises and give and take and sucking up is required at times, but to boldly stage that a step parent can’t have anything they can decide for themselves is a bit extreme.

And this perfectly encapsulates why I would never post about my own life on here as a SM if I needed support.

For one thing "first time mummy experiences" is nauseatingly inane, and for second, the dad is not a first time parent.

Yes the dad is not a first time parent, but that doesn’t cancel out the the mum being a first time mum. I know you think it does, but it doesn’t. It’s very possible for them both to be a first and second time parent at the same time. The op isn’t isn’t a second time mum just because her partner already has a child.
And the term “first time mummy”. I was just quoting someone else. Not my first choice of phrase, but I can’t find the energy to get wound up about it though.

And you need to accept that the presence of the first child doesn't affect that in anyway....unless you're a bit of a dick. Why can't you be excited about your first MD as well include the SD? How does the SD being there take anything from you? It doesn't, does it?

Well going by my own experience, my ex’s child would have wanted to be with their mum on Mother’s Day rather than me if they were given the choice. Which is 100% understandable. Equally so, I wanted to spend some quality time with my own children. So, if his child was told they must come here, it would have been awkward because it would not have been what either of us want. Is it so hard for you to accept that sometimes stepchildren and stepparents don’t gush about each other?

@harryclr also think of things this way , this helped me when I was frustrated . My friend said to me ... "it doesn't matter that your not sharing all the "firsts" together what matters is your sharing the "lasts". Because I'd much rather be the last one my partner is with growing old together over being the first!

*How is trying to exclude a 5 year old from their own family not being mean?

Actually, no, you're right. It's not mean, it's despicable.*

🤦‍♀️ it's like talking to a brick wall on this thread.

I'm not saying she is right to exclude the 5 year old, and never have. I am saying her feelings are misdirected but they are valid. All the insulting comments being slung at her are ignoring the context, and are in very poor taste when you apply even a minute's thought into what OPs life is actually like.

aSofaNearYou- I'm sorry, but I'd too get defensive if a partner was going out of their way to exclude my child. Especially one that in OP's own words on another thread, was 'Obsessed with' before baby came along.

I'd struggle to be understanding of that. Doesn't make me or OPs partner abusive.

What have I missed?
How is OP "mistreating" a child?

No one is saying she cannot have firsts though. It's not like she's being told to cancel MD. It will still be MD whether AS is there or not. It will still be the first card from her DS. MAYBE DH can get SC to get up a card too given she's been around for most of her life.

What's being criticised is old wish that the accident didn't exist, which is how she seems to see SC. The child he shouldn't have had that keeps needing her Dads attention, the reminder of his PAST that op wants to wash away.

Of course it isn't ok for her to call her names et c but I'd be interested given what she's said on here, what came before the evil content. Darling levs have one last weekend away whilst D'S is portable OR I wish she didn't exist, she's just a mistake you shouldn't have made!

*For one thing "first time mummy experiences" is nauseatingly inane, and for second, the dad is not a first time parent.
*
Bet it wasn't "nauseatingly inane" when it was the first wife and her kids though, eh?

And actually, some dads feel like first timers when if they're not. My DP missed out on a lot with his 2 kids due to working away a lot when they were little - for example he'd never been to a scan or seen either of their first steps, etc. He's therefore as excited as I am about our baby together, as he feels it's an opportunity to experience some of those firsts.

That is not okay. That will never be okay, and anybody who thinks it is, or attempts to justify it, is a failure of a human being.
Nobody has said it’s ok or tried to justify it. They are saying the OPs feelings are a result of bigger issues with her relationship rather than just being an evil person.
It’s still not “mistreating” a child to not always want them around. Sometimes parents don’t want their own children around. That’s what babysitting is a thing.

@Fastestbrownie

Somebody messing with Op's head doesn't give her a hallpass to mess with a 5 year old's head.

Oh dear lord, are you literally incapable of saying anything else or considering any other element of the discussion? Of course it doesn't. But despite that, the majority of comments on this thread are excessively unkind and incredibly tone deaf if you apply any degree of critical thinking to OPs situation and mental state.

I think it’s totally reasonable to have a discussion with your dp and say I don’t want this conversation to be about sd, it’s about me. I had my first baby, this is my first Mother’s Day. I never get that back. Totally appreciate that we have sd here and she needs looking after but I am asking you to make that day special for me somehow, out of respect for all I’ve given to our child.dads of multiple children manage this every year so you can too.

@Crystalclair

aSofaNearYou- I'm sorry, but I'd too get defensive if a partner was going out of their way to exclude my child. Especially one that in OP's own words on another thread, was 'Obsessed with' before baby came along.

I'd struggle to be understanding of that. Doesn't make me or OPs partner abusive.

Well if you would get extremely defensive and shout at your partner for being evil if they were to meekly suggest doing something when your other child isn't there, then yes, you would be pretty abusive. Much like OPs partner.

No not quite aSofaNearYou. OP has expressed in more ways and one that she doesn't like the DSC around, and wants it to be just the three of them. She wants to exclude her from holidays, Christmas and counts down the hours until she goes back to her mums. Quite different to what you're suggesting here.

Bet it wasn't "nauseatingly inane" when it was the first wife and her kids though, eh?

It would be, yes. No gotcha moment for you, I'm afraid.

Well if you would get extremely defensive and shout at your partner for being evil if they were to meekly suggest doing something when your other child isn't there, then yes, you would be pretty abusive. Much like OPs partner

Except no. OP has mutiple posts explaining how she doesn't want SD around pretty much ever. She's a constant reminder that her partner has done it all before and OP hates that so much she wants the evidence to disappear and have everything about her and her baby.

It's not Mothers DAy OP wants rid of her SD for, its every day.
If you want to make it out that everyones just against OP because she's a SM, you sure picked the wrong thread

@Fastestbrownie

But give me a concrete example of how she has mistreated the child? Because to me that's quite a serious accusation.

Well it says more about you than anybody else that you are incapable of considering both. The child is not in any immediate danger, she is not being mistreated. OP has just had a few private discussions with her partner. Nobody is shouting at the 5 year old about how evil they are. That IS happening to OP, so yes I think they are both worthy of consideration.

Unlike a lot of people on MN, I don't completely lose all sense of empathy for adults in abusive situations just because they are adults and children also exist.

@AtSwimTwoBerts

Wtf are you on about, gotcha moment?
I'm referring to my own experiences of FTMs.

Quote fail, that was to @fastestbrownie

nlike a lot of people on MN, I don't completely lose all sense of empathy for adults in abusive situations just because they are adults and children also exist

But you've invented OP being in an abusive situation. You made it up.