Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

@aSofaNearYou
We have no idea why and in what context that the partner made the "you are evil" statement. It may have been a cruel and unnecessary statement or it may have been an accurate assessment given what the OP may have said to him ." We simply do not have nearly enough information to say that he was either inaccurate or abusive.

I can imagine though that it must be trying to constantly hear that your child and you by extension have and are ruining every first in the OP's life.

There is nothing that prohibits the OP from feeling every first time mom emotion that she feels . What she cannot do is dictate to others how they should feel. She wants her feelings and desires to take primacy and her partner feelings to somehow be less meaningful or less important. Her partner's desire to act in accord with his feelings is characterized as insensitive and uncaring , and the OP's are placed on the altar to be venerated as though they are a part of some universal maternal experience that OP is being denied. The OP gets to excuse her behaviour and attribute it to feeling hormonal.

There is no universal need to be celebrated or feted on Mother's Day or any other day for that matter. It is nice that it happens but their is no intrinsic or inborn need to be recognized in any special way on Mother's Day. OP made the same arguments and had the same feelings about Xmas Day.

It may be that OP wants her life scripted as though it were some made for tv Hallmark series. She will always be unhappy if that is her adult expectation of real life.

On edge to me suggests a level of active dislike, distrust, wanting to do anything to make it end or get away.

It suggests nothing of the sort to me.

I have clients with MH difficulties describe to me feeling "on edge" all the time. What they mean is, struggling to relax, anxious, on hyper alert... They don't, at all, mean dislike of others.

Ok then. Not quite as problematic as shouting "you're evil" at someone but of course, that's all fine if it's directed at an adult. Sorry, would you care to quote where I said it was ok?? Because I didn't. I said Of course it isn't ok for him to call her names etc and Ultimately the only reasonable advice is to leave. Either he is abusive and had led to op feeling like this because he treats her so badly, or he's not but he's at the end of his tether with op constantly sidelining his child and wanting to exclude her.

So yes, saying he shouldn't be shouting at her like that and saying she should leave is CLEARLY telling her she deserves to be abused.

It will be Mothers day all day, and you will be able to spend the day having your special day , despite having another child being in your company.I don't think it will spoil your special day at all if you stop dwelling on this.

There is no universal need to be celebrated or feted on Mother's Day or any other day for that matter. It is nice that it happens but their is no intrinsic or inborn need to be recognized in any special way on Mother's Day.

That very much depends on your own life experiences though, doesn't it.

My mum died when I was a little girl. Mother's Day is wholly important to me. I can't be with my Mum, but I can be with my little girl.

We're all different and we all assign different value to different things. That's ok.

@LouJ85

On edge to me suggests a level of active dislike, distrust, wanting to do anything to make it end or get away.

It suggests nothing of the sort to me.

I have clients with MH difficulties describe to me feeling "on edge" all the time. What they mean is, struggling to relax, anxious, on hyper alert... They don't, at all, mean dislike of others.

And if your client said they're only on edge when Emma is there and fine all the rest of the time?

And if your client said they're only on edge when Emma is there and fine all the rest of the time?

Has OP said this? That's she's perfectly fine the rest of the time?

Even so - I wouldn't vilify my client, no. I'd explore that specific relationship more with them, as it would be clear it was specifically causing an issue for them.

I still wouldn't view them as a bad person though for having feelings. Nor make the leap that they were mistreating anyone without concrete evidence of that.

@Tiredoftattler

Actually, I don't think there is any appropriate time to call your partner evil, unless perhaps if they've murdered someone. It is abusive regardless of what OP said.

Following on from such behaviour, I don't find it the least bit surprising or damnable that OP feels "on edge" around the child. She is not allowed to mention her feelings about her to her partner without being treated in an abusive manner. It's a vicious cycle at this point, but the person whose actions are most unreasonable throughout, is OPs partner.

It seems quite likely that OP struggled with the concept of having a SC from the start. That part is on her, but is also perhaps something she would have overcome in time if her partner had treated her well. I remember having feelings like that in the early days, but my partner made me feel better about them, not worse. I don't feel that way anymore. Even if she came to him and said "I can't cope with being reminded of your past, it makes me feel sick" a good partner would have responded "I don't think this relationship will work then, no hard feelings". To respond with a tirade about how evil she is is not only completely abusive and cruel, but also exactly the kind of gaslighting, "what's wrong with you" behaviour that often compels people to stay in such situations. It is a well documented phenomenon.

@LouJ85
You make my point. What Mother's Day means to you is personal. It is not universal. I would assume that you do not require those around you to adhere to your personal beliefs or to take part in your personal ritualistic need or performance.

No one can control your feelings , but the people around you should not have their feelings marginalized because their feelings are not consistent with your feelings. Nor should they be characterized as insensitive or abusive because they do not wish to take part in your personal mode of celebration.

@Tiredoftattler

Ah yes - I misunderstood your point. No i don't expect anything of anyone else on Mother's Day, you're right. But by the same token, those closest to me understand and respect its significance to me, so I don't need to worry about that. If that makes sense.

And you think a 5 year old can't tell when somebody is irritable and hyper alert? Anybody who believes that has the social and emotional intelligence of a rusted teaspoon.

Whether they can tell or not, is irrelevant to the accusation of "mistreatment". You cannot mistreat a person by virtue of your own private feelings. Mistreatment is behaviour towards others, not a feeling.

Are you now saying that if a mother has MH difficulties, and is therefore anxious and irritable, that they are somehow mistreating their child if they remain in their presence? How far do we take this?

No need for insults about social and emotional intelligence - I'm actually more qualified than you may realise to have these views.

As an example - I'm a mother to a teen DD, as I've said.

I've been anxious, irritable and snappy (as many, many parents have!) on several occasions over the years. Why? Because I'm human and life's pressures sometimes get to me. Do you think my DD hasn't witnessed any of my irritability / anxiety, ever? Of course not. Is she mentally and emotionally scarred and in need of therapy? Of course not.

And would anyone with a reasonable mind conclude that, because my DD had occasionally experienced her mum's MH to be less than top form, that she has been mistreated somehow? Of course not.

There's a concept of "good enough" parenting, comes from the attachment literature. We actually only need to be emotionally attuned to our kids 50% of the time, to achieve "good enough" secure attachments. It's about acknowledging that no one in a parenting (or step parenting) role is perfect - we are all fallible humans with feelings.

That's why I can't sit back and watch the OP be vilified for human feelings, and accused of mistreatment on that basis. It's wrong.

If your 'private' feelings (Because let's be real, being irritable isn't a private feeling) makes the house an inhospitable environment it is absolutely emotional maltreatment.

It can be a private feeling. It very much depends how it's expressed.

Is the cause of your irritation your teenage daughters mere existance in your family?

Of course not, but with my professional head on, honestly... I don't think it's the only cause of OP's either.

@Fastestbrownie

Ok. I'm going to disengage from you at this point as it's clear we hold quite different views here.

OP, if you're still reading, I do hope you get the support you need.

I once wished my DSD was dead.
My DS2 was stillborn and in my tormented state immediately post partum I knew that if one of my DHs children had to be dead and someone gave me the relevant switch, I’d press it and she would be gone and I’d have my previous boy alive and warm in my arms.
Clearly a very extreme case. But my point is that if I just said I wish my DSD was dead without the wider context, you’d think I was a despicable swamp creature. But my feelings were not always there and they didn’t spring from some hidden hatred of DSD. They came from my pain and the bigger picture at that time.
That’s what @aSofaNearYou and @LouJ85 are saying. Not that it’s ok for OP to be mean to her DSD or indeed that it was in any way healthy that I wished mine dead.
If OP felt valued and listened to etc etc would she still feel so protective of all these experiences or would she be able to manage her feelings and maybe even enjoy her DSD?

@Youseethethingis

So sorry for your awful experience

That's exactly my point - what has the postpartum period done to this lady? She's clearly struggling.

OP I’m not going to comment on the situation with your DSD.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but try not to build these firsts up too much. I fear that can only lead to disappointment. I spent my first Mother’s Day looking after DC1 alone because DP had picked up DC1s stomach bug. I spent half the day clearing up sick and poo as DC1 was still sick, including getting covered in projectile poo when they did a massive poo when on the changing table. You can plan all the special moments you like but with a small baby they very rarely happen like that!