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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Opinions on child maintenance when the NRP is a SAHP

813 replies

CrashesOverMe · 23/02/2021 20:34

Just what the title says? NRP (Dad) has remarried and their wife is the breadwinner, thus their own income is zero as they are a SAHD. Legally they aren't required to pay anything but should they? (which would actually mean step parent paying!) In terms of child contact everyone is in agreement so although they could see their Dad more often, everyone is happy with him having the lower % of time.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 23/02/2021 23:16

How far away do they live?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 23/02/2021 23:16

I think the OP said they live too far away to do wraparound care. He could only have them more over school holidays. Which isn't fair on the OP - she will want to see her kids in the holidays too, when there isn't the pressure of school and work to deal with.

Original poster
CrashesOverMe · 23/02/2021 23:17

Are you facilitating contact?

Sorry I missed this Q, yes I do about a third of the travelling.

If he's a sahd why can't he provide wraparound care for his older kids, pick them up from school on days you're working, feed them tea, then drop them home. That way at least both families benefit from him role.

The distance unfortunately.

OP posts:
PurpleBiro21 · 23/02/2021 23:18

Problem with 50:50 is who is buying things like clothes and whatnot?

I vaguely a woman who was 50:50 with dad not working. It was his turn to buy uniform for SC but SM wanted him to buy branded for her kids and supermarket for SD even though they went to the same school. I think sole income was benefits.

I think she also had a snack drawer for her child/ren only.

Personally, I don’t think SM’s should have to contribute BUT I couldn’t be with or have kids with a man who thought it was ok not to provide for his kids. Wouldn’t bode well for mine.

Original poster
CrashesOverMe · 23/02/2021 23:19

How far away do they live?

About 70 miles.

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 23/02/2021 23:20

In your shoes I'd put a stop to the traveling. If he can make decisions to suit himself then so can you. If the kids are important to him, he'll make the effort to see them - if he CBA, it's best to find out sooner rather than later.

Halo1234 · 23/02/2021 23:20

Yes he still has to pay imo.
He and his wife have made a choice for him to be a stay at home parent presumably because it works best for their family - a family that included all his children. You shouldn't have to take on the full financial burden of raising her because of a choice they choose for them. His wife might earn it but it is the family income. You dd is entitled to be support by both parent regardless of how her dad and his wife decide to earn money. If it wasn't for him being a stay at home dad I assume they would have child care costs or a reduced income. That money needs to go to his obligation to his first child.

ineedaholidaynow · 23/02/2021 23:24

Who moved?

excelledyourself · 23/02/2021 23:26

How long has he been a SAHP?

StarLiner · 23/02/2021 23:27

From the way you were writing, I assumed you were the Step Parent.

excelledyourself · 23/02/2021 23:28

And how many kids is he SAH with?

funinthesun19 · 23/02/2021 23:32

I’m always so sceptical about NRPs who choose to be a “SAHD”. I’m sure there are some very devoted and hard working NRPs who are SAHDs, but I think the bulk of them do it for their own gain. Don’t have to work and don’t have to pay maintenance, and their baby is the ticket to that.
To be frankly honest, I don’t think most women would be happy with going out to work away from their baby and then supporting another household. The man is being deeply unfair on everyone if he think being a SAHD is a good idea.

Love51 · 23/02/2021 23:33

This is morally bankrupt but legally fine.

It's really shit - your kids get their money cut to fund the other kids getting extra time with dad and no nursery fees.

There isn't anything you can do about it though.

Wishitsnows · 23/02/2021 23:34

I don't know how any woman could stay with a man who actively refuses to contribute a penny towards his child. Sadly there seems to be a lot of women out there OK with this and set their standards very low.

Original poster
CrashesOverMe · 23/02/2021 23:34

The problem is legally there's no way to force this and I do believe all the children deserve a good relationship with their Dad.

I was trying to be factual as my emotions about the situation are strong and I thought lots of people would think step-m has no obligation.

He moved, he's been a SAHD for a year to twins.

OP posts:
LiJo2015 · 23/02/2021 23:35

So dad sets up home with another wife and kids whilst leaving ex wife and the mum to his previous kids to literally do everything. Its shitty. He has a financial and emotional responsibility for all his kids. So sick of reading posts like this where men go off and just have more kids. He honestly needs his knackers chopped.

funinthesun19 · 23/02/2021 23:38

Sadly there seems to be a lot of women out there OK with this and set their standards very low.

Very low standards. I couldn’t settle for that at all.

excelledyourself · 23/02/2021 23:39

So he's got one year old twins with the new wife, and what, a 3/4 yo with you? He was quick off the mark with it all.

He sounds absolutely awful.

aweegc · 23/02/2021 23:43

@excelledyourself

So he's got one year old twins with the new wife, and what, a 3/4 yo with you? He was quick off the mark with it all.

He sounds absolutely awful.

Was thinking the same. If I was her I'd be concerned..although maybe enabling him to financially incapacitate himself is her way to make sure he stays put: he knows which side his bread is buttered.

Utterly despicable thing to do to his own kids.

Tiredoftattler · 23/02/2021 23:49

I think that the answer to your question is that dead beats come in both genders and manifest in many different forms.
No self respecting man or woman should position themselves so that they cannot provide support for their children.

It is neither the government nor your new spouse's job to support the children that you created. Some people seem to grow-up without any sense of responsibility or self respect. It is a regrettable characteristic in either a man or a woman.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2021 23:51

So it sits comfortably with him to not provide for his children? He needs to get a part time evening or weekend job to support his children.

ineedaholidaynow · 23/02/2021 23:54

Can you cope financially @CrashesOverMe (not that you should have to do without child maintenance)

ineedaholidaynow · 23/02/2021 23:54

I would not be facilitating contact, especially as he is the one who moved away. He can do the travelling.

aSofaNearYou · 24/02/2021 00:01

@CrashesOverMe

The problem is legally there's no way to force this and I do believe all the children deserve a good relationship with their Dad.

I was trying to be factual as my emotions about the situation are strong and I thought lots of people would think step-m has no obligation.

He moved, he's been a SAHD for a year to twins.

I think the issue is that the SM does have no obligation. It doesn't show good character that she would willingly facilitate him not working and thus not being able to pay maintenance but at the same time, all she herself has really done is not give up work after having kids. Playing devil's advocate, I can see why she wouldn't want to potentially give up her career because her husband isn't working and isn't able to/you won't allow him to have the kids more to compensate. She isn't faultless, but ultimately his decision to give up work rather than put the younger children in childcare is on him. He could choose to find any source of income available to him to provide for all his kids, but hasn't.

I think it would be better to approach him about how imperative it is for him to find work and provide for all his kids, rather than approach them both about her paying his maintenance, because ultimately I can see why that would end up being rejected.

Though I must say, I do sympathise with your position because as others have said, it's something they could easily get away with legally, and the situation as it is is not fair.

Tiredoftattler · 24/02/2021 00:01

@SandyY2K
I think that he is an utter dead beat with no self respect, and I think that a woman who would live with him under those conditions also has no self respect.

Water generally seeks its own level.