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Step-parenting

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Opinions on child maintenance when the NRP is a SAHP

813 replies

CrashesOverMe · 23/02/2021 20:34

Just what the title says? NRP (Dad) has remarried and their wife is the breadwinner, thus their own income is zero as they are a SAHD. Legally they aren't required to pay anything but should they? (which would actually mean step parent paying!) In terms of child contact everyone is in agreement so although they could see their Dad more often, everyone is happy with him having the lower % of time.

OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 24/02/2021 00:04

The timeline is a bit iffy if he has a pre schooler with you and also twins with his new partner??

excelledyourself · 24/02/2021 00:12

Yes, assuming the pre-schooler is even as old as 4, what a life her daddy has lived since she was born. Divorced, re-married, conceived and welcomed twins all within 3 years...

Courtney555 · 24/02/2021 00:12

Just to put a bit of (slightly peripheral) info in to the situation. Twins make a massive difference financially. Without going into a really long speech about why it's absolutely not the same as two children with, say, an 18mth age gap. The expense is unreal. And I say this as the mum of both "singletons" and twins.

I love being a housewife, but it's a good job I do. I could easily go back to work (and did) with singletons. The twins? I can't. Even if I wanted too. And again, there are a hundred reasons why, that I'm not going to derail the thread with, but things that don't even cross your mind (until you are in a "parent of twins" situation) have enormous financial effect.

Someone needs to be the SAHP. Now you've revealed it's twins. If she earns twice as much as him, believe me, they need every penny, he won't have chosen this for the easy life. I know this is of no use to your situation, but I just wanted to add a slightly different angle, as unless you have twins, you can't appreciate the 1000 ways they cost more, need more, the logistics, the time, you just can't explain it.

I'm not saying he's doing right by your DC, but it's likely they have no choice. I love our twins beyond compare, but if I hear one more "oh I know just how you feel, both of mine are under 3" I think I'll explode. It's a completely different ball game. And being real, he most likely has no choice but to be the SAHP. No he can't "just get a job" and if you speak to twin parents who have the time to go into the reality of why, you'll perhaps understand. Again, it doesn't help you, but he couldn't have predicted a multiple birth and all that subsequently entails, also resulting in him no longer working.

The sm isn't going to give up her wage, that she needs to support her own children, and stay at home so her DP can not only bring in far less for her family, but then reduce that further because he's then paying your CMS. Shit, but that's the reality of it. She's not going to voluntarily let her own much more financially demanding twins go significantly without, in order for your DC to slightly gain (I think you said £250 p/m for two children? Less than £10 a day)

It's crap he doesn't contribute. But in the bigger picture, it's less than a tenner a day. Unless you are living in poverty, life is too short. You say 25% of the year your DC are with them. That's actually a hell of a lot!! One day in every four, the SM is covering their costs while they are with her and DP.

I hope your situation is such that you can cope without his shortfall. Our surprise twins have resulted in us changing both our cars, buying a new house, me never working again...all things that we have no choice over, some I like, some I don't, we literally have no choice, it's necessity.

pallisers · 24/02/2021 00:19

What kind of man does not want to support his own child?

What kind of woman is happy to have children with a man and know that her children's sibling receives no money at all from him.

I would judge both of them very harshly.

pallisers · 24/02/2021 00:21

It's crap he doesn't contribute. But in the bigger picture, it's less than a tenner a day. Unless you are living in poverty, life is too short. You say 25% of the year your DC are with them. That's actually a hell of a lot!! One day in every four, the SM is covering their costs while they are with her and DP.

sorry but this is just such a sad sad reflection of what is expected of a father. suck up the no maintenance and be grateful he sees them 25% of the time. When did expectations of men get so low?

And when did having twins mean you could never work again?

SleepingStandingUp · 24/02/2021 00:24

I agree re twin costs @courtney555 and was my first thought too (mine are 14 months) and I also don't work. But I'm assuming it's you're never going to work again your twins have had a tough time and are complex needs. There's nothing to suggest that's the case here and in a few years they'll be in school. Given he's totally abdicated responsibility for the babies he moved away from, I do think there's an onus on him to find a way to contribute one way or another

CrashesOverMe · 24/02/2021 00:24

My youngest is 4 (5 in September), we got divorced in 2017.

OP posts:
Oswin · 24/02/2021 00:25

If you decide to just stop contributing to your childrens upbringing then you are scum.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/02/2021 00:26

And when did having twins mean you could never work again? The risk of prem birth and medical complications with life long disabilities are higher in multiples than singles. I don't think pp meant he never can, just that she won't

Courtney555 · 24/02/2021 00:30

@pallisers do you have twins? I presume no.

As stated, I'm not here to derail with all the reasons why, suffice to say we'd actually be running a loss on my part if I went to work and put the twins in childcare. So yes, until they are of free childcare age, I can not work. OPs ex's twins are 1.

And believe me, with 1yr old twins, taking two other children under preschool age for 25% of the time, all funded by the SM, is seriously good going. As the mother of twins, and singletons, I can not stress enough, twins are beyond comparison to two single children.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 24/02/2021 00:33

My first thought was that obviously SM has no obligation to fund your DC. It sucks for you how they chose to live their life but she has no obligation. Legally I think that is true.

Morally though when you think about it a bit more he is saving them a lot of childcare money by not working so it is a benefit in kind that she is getting and perhaps she does have some obligation morally if not legally to help him to pay a small amount of maintenance. If she was paying him the value of the childcare then he should pass some of it on to you.

You know it won't happen though.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 24/02/2021 00:37

This is (more or less) what my ex did. Its disgusting IMO. He also refuses to have them more than the one day a week that suits him, and feeds them toddler portions when they are there so I have to feed them again when they come home.
Some parents don't deserve their DC!

Courtney555 · 24/02/2021 00:38

@SleepingStandingUp mine are 14mths too! Congratulations!

They are the most fabulous little wonders, but wow the difference. No complex needs, although a lot of multiples do sadly encounter that. Just the sheer bloody laundry, new cars, twice the nappies, beds, clothes, moving house, cleaning, double buggies, twice the food, four baths a day (for all the DC) before I even fall into mine.

Off to shut up now, because this thread isn't about twins, but it's very very relevant to why it's less of a choice that he has become a SAHP, which parents of singletons just don't get.

Love to you and yours Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 24/02/2021 00:38

If she was paying him the value of the childcare then he should pass some of it on to you most people who quit work to care for twins do so because they can't afford childcare for two with two of them working. I very much doubt many families can afford for one to quit and then the other pay them the full childcare bill our of their single wage.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 24/02/2021 00:38

My in laws must be a bit exceptional then. They both carried on working FT in average paying jobs after they had twins and with an older child.

They did have family childcare 2 days a week to reduce nursery costs though and it wasn't until the twins were at least 3 or 4 that they started to look a bit less exhausted.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 24/02/2021 00:42

Obviously I get that she isn't in reality going to pay him the cost of the childcare and 'can't afford' to but if these were all children from one marriage then he'd have to keep paying for them wouldn't he?
You don't get to stop supporting your 2 existing young DC when you have twins in any other scenario than by leaving your wife (and let's face it it will be the husband who leaves) and letting her and the state pick up the bill for your other DC.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/02/2021 00:43

@Courtney555 I realised after your other comment that it was more a NeVeR!!!!!! dramatic sigh 🤣 than a "never". I'm on count down for adult conversation when they're 11 🤣. Lots of love back at you 💕

Op what happens of you say you can't do the travelling as you just can't afford it? Would he just see them less or would he step up? Does he contribute to uniform etc? Could you ask him to buy specific things for the kids of he's unwilling to give you cash? I do think that part of their discussion should have involved supporting his older kids, esp as I'm assuming the twins are 18 months so your youngest was VERY young when he left so he's really never contributed much to them at all

ineedaholidaynow · 24/02/2021 00:43

But if you have other children and then have twins in the same household you don’t stop feeding, clothing, looking after the older ones, or only do so 25% of the time.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/02/2021 00:45

@ineedaholidaynow

But if you have other children and then have twins in the same household you don’t stop feeding, clothing, looking after the older ones, or only do so 25% of the time.
Alas the decisions to have a third child when you have two with your wife and the decision to have 1 with the new woman when you have two with your ex are rarely made with equal planning because the NRP knows how little they can get away with paying for the older ones.
Blacktothepink · 24/02/2021 00:50

I went back to work part time when my twins were 18 months, dh worked days and I worked evenings, it can be done.

Courtney555 · 24/02/2021 00:52

If they were all from the same marriage (ie OP had her two DC and then had the twins herself) then yes of course it's different. Because SHE is staying home all day and not financially contributing, because she has to stay home, whilst EXh can go to work and pay CMS.

Because the twins are from a different woman, and EXh stays at home, he financially contributes nothing to his twins, and nothing to his other DC. The SM financially contributes to her own DC. OP (I'm not sure if she works or claims benefits?) financially contributes to her DC. The only difference is that OP doesn't have a partner at home during the day to watch her children, which if she's not working, she is no worse off for anyway. That's purely down to being in a relationship or not.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 24/02/2021 00:58

But if OP wishes to go out to work then she has to pay for childcare

New partner has got childcare for free from the children's dad

So her ex contributes full time child care to his new family but only 1 in 4 and no money in lieu to his previous family. His contribution to his children is therefore unequal and this is viewed as fine and dandy.

Also one rather assumes that the reason OP is no longer in a relationship is that he left her for the new woman ie being in a relationship or not wasn't something she had a choice about. She thought she would be bringing up her children with the practical and financial support of their father.

He gets all the choices and she has no choice. That's being a woman for you.

Oswin · 24/02/2021 00:58

Courtney your older children are not your dp/dh if I remember rightly?
So has he taken financial responsibility for your children?
Would you think it was good going if your contribution to your childrens life was feeding and entertaining them 25% of the time?

excelledyourself · 24/02/2021 01:01

@pallisers

It's crap he doesn't contribute. But in the bigger picture, it's less than a tenner a day. Unless you are living in poverty, life is too short. You say 25% of the year your DC are with them. That's actually a hell of a lot!! One day in every four, the SM is covering their costs while they are with her and DP.

sorry but this is just such a sad sad reflection of what is expected of a father. suck up the no maintenance and be grateful he sees them 25% of the time. When did expectations of men get so low?

And when did having twins mean you could never work again?

Absolutely.

Losing £250 a month might not put someone into poverty, but it could certainly be the difference between kids doing clubs, getting to go on school trips or holidays, the RP being able to keep a car on the road. All the impact on the kids and RP and all the benefit to the NRP and SP.

But hey, they get to see that loser 1 day in 4, so hurrah.

Courtney555 · 24/02/2021 01:05

But if OP wishes to go out to work then she has to pay for childcare

Correct. Just like the new wife would if she became single. Just like the rest of the world.

The new wife does not have "free childcare." She has her partner.

What we're actually saying here, is "OP doesn't get free childcare because she doesn't have a partner she funds all expenses for, staying at home with her children all day." Well, no.

It's not their fault they are raising children as a couple and OP is (presumed) a single woman. Naturally there are benefits of being in a couple. Not OPs fault, neither is it the new wife's.