DP EX always asking for more money !

[CocoLady]

Due to pandemic job losses etc DP recently had to get new job and take a pay cut, had to lower maintenance by £40 a month. His is living day by day and on not even on the bread line, in Csa his new lower salary says the new amount he has to give and He gives his ex a few hundred a month for his child. She has recently been demanding every week for new clothes for his child as keeps growing out of them etc, he explained he's sorry and he literally cannot afford anymore and said he gives her the right amount anyway. Do any of you have ex's they do this ? Should she just manage and buy the clothes out of the maintenance she gets as surely it's there for that ?
Thanks

Do you believe what he gives her is 50% of the actual cost of raising a child? Of feeding, clothing and keeping a roof over their head? I imagine she's asking for help towards things like clothes because she's struggling.

Thanks I completely get it ive struggled myself also. I just want DP to not feel so guilty as he's borrowed money off me too in the past n recently. I want to help him but can't more than I have anymore.
Wasn't sure what other people's opinions are

My dps ex went a bit loco a few weeks back and started demanding that I pay dps maintenance after he got made redundant (I didn't btw). He since got a new job that is part time nmw and nowhere near what he used to earn. There's not much he can do about the amount of maintenance he now pays until he secures a higher paid job or wins the lottery. His ex is not happy in the slightest. She is constantly demanding more money and I do mean DEMANDING!!! She took to showing up at my house demanding money and I told her earlier this week that if she comes to my house ever again I will kick dp out and she will have to share her maintenance amount 50/50 with me. We haven't seen her since.
I used to help out in the way of I'd pay for things for us and our house because he was buying stuff for dsc but I'm not doing this any more.
I get that money is tight for everyone and money troubles live in the forefront of your mind and can drive you mental but if magic wands existed for nrp's to magic more money then rp's would also get to have magic wands that could magic more money.
So long as your dp isn't being a twat and is doing the best he can without malice in his heart I wouldn't worry about her wanting more money too much. No situation is forever, if they were still together there wouldn't be anymore money for more things anyway. When there is more money there is more to share when there is less then there is less to share. Those are just the rules.

Why doesn't he just buy the child some new clothes? Handm or George at asda

Sadly, children don't stop growing or getting hungry because of the pandemic. Their needs continue and it is up to both parents to make it right for the kids even if it means the parents doing without.

There is nothing wrong with a parent being sad or depressed when they cannot meet the basic needs for their kids. Something would be wrong if they did not feel that way.

You are his girlfriend and not his fixer. Let him resolve this issue with his ex. It is their joint responsibility to solve this problem.

You can care for him, but only 2 should be at the problem resolution table

The amount he gives her would have been re-calculated to what he can afford so she shouldn’t be asking for more but if she has recently been asking for more money it sounds like she is financially struggling too so it would be better for his DC if he helped out even if he buys them some second hand clothes.
In this situation I would prefer to buy the clothes rather than hand over more money.

Kids don't suddenly get cheaper - their bills still need paying.

Whilst the pay cut is not his fault, the NRP always gets to dump the cost on the RP= who gets no choice but to suck it up. They are no longer together but the RP always ends up bearing the brunt of what ever downfall the NRP has in terms of their joint children.

What the CSA says he can afford does not make it any easier for the person picking up the slack

Couldn't have out it better myself totally agree with bogoffmda.

She should be buying clothes out the money your dp gives. Its her child too, 50/50, she should be contributing too.

Is there anything your DP can do to mitigate the loss to the RP? Extra childcare or 50/50 would allow the mother to work extra hours.

Are you sure this is happening and he's not just using this scenario to guilt you into giving him money?

As for your question, she shouldn't expect more than he needs to give and he shouldn't allow her to guilt him into giving more. He most definitely should not be asking you to help pay his maintenance.

Is he providing the children’s clothing during his parenting time or expecting her to provide? If he expects her to provide it, he needs to pay for it outside of maintenance. The alternative is he buys his own sets of shoes and coats and pajamas and ....

Can the ex wife do anything to help? Working perhaps? What's her situation?

Having been through years of our ex wife working 3 days a week with teenage children and telling them "no you can't have that because your daddy doesn't pay me enough" despite us paying way over the odds I'm a bit cynical with this discussion.

@Vivienne she's the resident parent. Overwhelmingly they foot the lion share of the bill for the cost of their kids.

Don’t all kids “cost” relative to the money available to their parents?
My child costs a lot less than Tamara ecclestones kid, but less than if DH and I were on NMW or benefits.
That’s just how it is.
If the DH hasn’t been a dick about money so far, I don’t understand why his ex is losing her shit with him. She should be thankful he got another job so quickly and trust that he’s not suddenly enjoying being on a much reduced wage either and will be earning more again as soon as he is able.
He can’t pull money out his arse by virtue of being an NRP any more than the RP can, as PP said.
My DH had to have a prep conversation with his ex along the lines of “I’m being made redundant, maintenance will stay the same as long as I am able, will possibly have to revisit in a few months depending on getting a new job at the same pay level”.
Because he’s always paid, always paid on time, always paid more than the minimum, and not been a dick about paying for extras, the trust was there that he was going to do his best by DSD as he always has.
Then ex was made redundant and suddenly she had less money available for DSD. Because that’s how it works.

"she shouldn't expect more than he needs to give and he shouldn't allow her to guilt him into giving more" - really so when some poor RPs get £5 - the RP she should just suck up the situation - thinking her self employed wankers who pay themselves the mnimum and then take huge dividends.

"Can the ex wife do anything to help? Working perhaps? What's her situation?" - she will because she will still feed, clothe and care for her child regardless. Seriously - they are divorced - she will of course help her DCs - no choice.

Seriously - there are so many RPs who get no maintenance for DCS - whilst the NRP is able to house, feed, drive cars, go on luxury holidays etc etc whilst allegedly having no monies!!

My Ex is currently on 50% pay and is hanging on to his job by his fingernails. Yes we have discussed current situation as would prefer he did not default on his mortgage and become homeless, his second EX on the other hand is less reasonable and is demanding the over inflated figure she had pre-pandemic - think 12 times CSA!

What upsets me on these threads is the obvious glee that so many new partners feel that the new family have an excuse to not pay for the SDCs - it is quite frankly pathetic.

Does not make it any easier for the person who has to find the extra monies to cover the costs - has to re organise their life because someone they are no longer in a relationship with has had a change of circumstances.

I think the opinions on this thread are pretty depressing.
There's a reason why we have such a problem in this country of father's not paying maintenance and it's because people find it socially acceptable with the right excuses.
The childs Mum can just take it all on like they take on everything else because she's the kids Mum right just leave it all to her?!

I think what's depressing is the archaic attitude that men are still expected to be the main breadwinners in families. Society & governments are very much to blame in this & things need to change in this respect. But mothers also need to realise the importance of being able to take financial responsibility for their dc. I'm not slamming mothers - I'm an rp myself but being heavily financially dependent on any man be it a h/p or exh/exp is what causes so much stress in divorced/blended situations.

@CocoLady

Thanks I completely get it ive struggled myself also. I just want DP to not feel so guilty as he's borrowed money off me too in the past n recently. I want to help him but can't more than I have anymore. Wasn't sure what other people's opinions are

It's understandable that she's asking if she's struggling but if he can't afford to pay it himself he shouldn't be expecting to borrow money from you. As others have said, if he can't pay it himself, then he can't pay it at all.

Completely agree with you Magda - my mothers advice, handed down form her father - was get training and then you will always be able to stand on your own two feet - then you will never be dependent on a man!!

My Grandfather was born in 1909, my mother in the1940s - such age advice which has held me in good stead. Never thought it would be needed but such is life - I am financially inependent and do not need Exs monies to survive - does not negate his responsibility to his DCS though.

It gives me a freedom that he and his now second EX could never exploit and put me in the demanding EX category - have never sked him for a penny - took him 2 years to pay the first payment - interestingly after he left her!!

In the financial respect - I am free!

In a together family, you just have to get on with it if your DP’s financial situation is reduced. But if the man is separated there seems to be some expectation that he can magic up extra cash from thin air.

I disagree that men are looked at still as the main bread winners actually Magda especially in separated families.
The figuires for unpaid childmaintenance are astounding, RPs being mainly women.
The OP hasn't stated whether the RP in this situation works, let's say she does like many single parents which to be honest has not been made easy at all in this pandemic, made alot harder with lack of childcare with schools shut and balancing homeschooling.
The onus should never fully fall to the RP by default you make a baby you pay for your responsibility.
Glad to see OPs partner is still paying something but let's not pretend that alot of men get away with paying pounds a week for their children whilst the woman takes on full financial responsibility.

If the mothers income drops she just has to get on with it. Has the father tried taking a mortgage holiday or reducing any other bills or is it just reducing the 15% he pays towards his child?

@Magda72
I agree with your line of thought. I think that neither party should create a life that they are incapable or unwilling to support In full and care for on their own. Life is filled with uncertainty and if you know that you alone could not if necessary support a child or x number of children, then in my opinion you should not have that child or those children.

Even the best laid plans can go awry, but much more thought and planning should take place before having children.

The child 's needs have not lessened because of the pandemic. He won't stop growing or needing adequate amounts of food. The only thing that you can hope is that both parents have a moral compass rather than using the government's rate payer as a guide for their moral obligations.

Why do so many men and some women choose to let the government decide that which their own sense of morality should easily dictate?

Both parents should be willing to do without in order that their child's basic needs should be met.

I think there is an attitude with some ExWs that they see CMS as a compensation of sorts.
My DP pays £400pcm for 2 kids and all phone bills and extras, and we have the kids here regularly and his ex constantly demands more money.
If we take the view that it’s supposed to cover 50% of the children’s costs I can honestly say those kids are not having £800 spent on them a month. Unless they’re eating fucking gold and have the hearing on 46 degrees 24/7 there’s not a chance in hell their mum is spending £800pcm to feed, clothe and house them ON TOP of her own living costs.
I have 2 young children who I still have to pay childcare costs for, one child I have sole custody with no CMS and the other child I have 80% of the time and they certainly don’t cost me £800 to look after every month.
My DP is undoubtedly by proxy supporting his ex and her lifestyle too with the CMS payment.

People can argue until they’re blue in the face about it being a percentage of the NRP’s wage etc but when the father is high earning there should be cap. The more my DP works, the more he is penalised in a way by having to hand over more money to his ex who chooses not to work.
He gets a promotion, she benefits from it. And yes SHE benefits from it because as I said DP pays for all the extra costs for the kids, and we have to provide a home for the children too, food, clothes etc.
All the while his ex sits back and benefits from his income whilst her child related outgoings (other than food and utilities) are actually minimal.