DP EX always asking for more money !

[CocoLady]

Due to pandemic job losses etc DP recently had to get new job and take a pay cut, had to lower maintenance by £40 a month. His is living day by day and on not even on the bread line, in Csa his new lower salary says the new amount he has to give and He gives his ex a few hundred a month for his child. She has recently been demanding every week for new clothes for his child as keeps growing out of them etc, he explained he's sorry and he literally cannot afford anymore and said he gives her the right amount anyway. Do any of you have ex's they do this ? Should she just manage and buy the clothes out of the maintenance she gets as surely it's there for that ?
Thanks

Does he pay for the clothes when the kids are with him? If not I'd work out how many clothes they need when they are with you and pay for that many that they can move between homes. on top of the maintenance.

And he could maybe ask for all correspondence regarding maintenance and extra cost to be done by email so he has time to look at what he can help with and what he can't. It would stop her turning up demanding money and putting him on the spot.

I think NewScone has a good idea there.

@SpongebobNoPants
What children need and require and what lifestyle is to be provided for those children should be the result of decisions and agreements made by the parents prior to the conception of those children.

My ex and I had already decided on the private schools and colleges that we wanted our kids to attend before they were born. We decided how many children that we planned to have in order to achieve those goals, and our finances and work activities were tailored to meet those goals. It was not excessive; it was a part of determining the life style and life experiences that we were committed to providing for our children. The divorce in no way changed our goals for our children. If anything, it made us more determined that our children should not suffer economically simply because their parents were no longer a couple. Although we were not a couple, we still viewed them and their future in exactly the same way.

A new partner might have viewed his contribution as excessive but in truth it is no more and possibly less than I contribute each month as well. We were able to mutually agree on a monthly support figure that would allow us to continue to support our children in the manner that we had mutually agreed for their future. A new partner would not have been privy to those discussions and planning and might have a more self serving view of our arrangement.

Neither of us plan to have more childre,n and no one is harmed by the agreement that we have in place. When I was married to him, my earnings were never less than his. Were his new spouse/partner to have objections, I would think that they would have no real standing to object as they became involved with him when those obligations were already in place. No surprises and no changes have been made.
Any new partner or spouse who brought what he brings to their financial table would have not have financial concerns. A partner who brings less and wants more may need to be prepared to become his financial equal.

His now spouse seems to have no problem with his commitment to his children's future, and they seem to be a happy and well suited couple. We all get on well together.

What children need and require and what lifestyle is to be provided for those children should be the result of decisions and agreements made by the parents prior to the conception of those children.
Sometimes pandemics and redundancies happen.

What children need and require and what lifestyle is to be provided for those children should be the result of decisions and agreements made by the parents prior to the conception of those children

I agree but my DP has not agreed to his ex not working, she has made a unilateral decision to limit her own earnings and she just expects him to constantly pick up the slack for her lifestyle choice.
He has no say in it. He has also gone on to forge a good career for himself since they split which she now benefits from. Again, I say she benefits because she ultimately does as she is receiving more in CMS than half of the children’s costs.

In your partner's shoes I'd be doing exactly as I usually do in regards to I clothing my children, which is using my network. Kids do grow in fits and starts, not in a linear graph. Obviously Covid has put paid to nearly new sales and charity shops but he can still let friends and family know he's ok with receiving second hand clothes. It keeps things out of landfill, as well as avoiding spending when things are tight.

When I was with my ex, his ex wife wanted money money money and had a big strop if ex didn’t pay up. She even blamed me for it Said it’s her child’s right to have money from their father and really just rammed it all down (mainly my) throat. It was ex who was dragging his feet regarding paying. He even begrudged our children stuff.
And now we’re not together anymore she’s totally cool about not getting a single penny from him, same as me. It just tells me a lot about her that she had a huge problem with me and my children, and the money was just her excuse to have a go, amongst other things. She said when he gets a job again she only wants £40 a month from him When we were together, if he only paid £40 a month she would have hit the roof (probably at me) and said my children shouldn’t exist. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Love threads like this, how much should a nrp pay towards their child?

I read one of the responses to look at taking a mortgage holiday, why would the nrp do that? Like it is that simple.

From my dealings with my partners ex no matter how much money is given it is never enough.

@Loveacoseynightin that’s my experience too.
It doesn’t matter that DP voluntarily upped the maintenance, pays for all extras etc his ex still wants more.
He gave £250 towards their school uniforms for example and his ex lost her temper and screamed it wasn’t enough. DP said “£500 isn’t enough to kit the kids out for school?”. His ex then shouted “but you only gave me £250”... the fact that she should contribute towards half of the cost was lost on her.
No. She expected him to pay for it all.

Men and women largely Know the strengths and weaknesses of the people with whom they decide to pro create. A man or woman whose focus was on money and evading responsibility was likely that way when they were together. No surprise that they do not change when they separate.

I do think that support of the children is a situation that should not involve new partners. I think that what children should receive is a decision to be made by the parents. It is sad that some people have to be forced by the government to support their children, and that they have so little respect for the lives that they created that they would need the government to determine how much money they must contribute to that enterprise.

Can you imagine caring so little for your children, that you rely on the government to tell you what is the minimum level of support that you must provide in order to avoid legal jeopardy?

People who require that kind of governmental guidance should think twice before having children. They do not require government guidance to have sex but only to outline their subsequent responsibility.

If you see providing adequately for your children as a burden or something for which you should be applauded, I think you have misplaced priorities.

I think what's depressing is the archaic attitude that men are still expected to be the main breadwinners in families

You're kidding right? Because the majority of maintenance owed in the UK goes unpaid. Of the money that is paid, the average is in the £30s a week and a huge portion is just £7 a week extracted from benefits. I have just had the CMS write off £15k of debt from my ex because despite their so-called best endeavours, they haven't managed to get the money from him over a 12 year period.

There are women out there working themselves into the ground whilst idiots look on calling us 'dependent' and 'archaic' because we expect one half of a joint parenting venture to actually cough up a bare minimum.

A man or woman whose focus was on money and evading responsibility was likely that way when they were together. No surprise that they do not change when they separate

Yes, of course, it's my fault because I procreated with a man who, 10 years later, decided he had no use for me and didn't want to take responsibility for everything he had previously promised he was 100% on board with. Little things, you know, like 'till death do we part' and 'forsaking all others'.....sorry, but this 'should have had a crystal ball' is utter bollox. My ex was as generous as they come with money the whole time I was with him - and to be clear, I didn't have children with him until we had been together more than 6 years. Not like I didn't know him, is it?!

@BilboBercow

Do you believe what he gives her is 50% of the actual cost of raising a child? Of feeding, clothing and keeping a roof over their head? I imagine she's asking for help towards things like clothes because she's struggling.

Is the ex paying 50% of the cost of the child / children, or is the state contributing?

@bogoffmda

Completely agree with you Magda - my mothers advice, handed down form her father - was get training and then you will always be able to stand on your own two feet - then you will never be dependent on a man!!

My Grandfather was born in 1909, my mother in the1940s - such age advice which has held me in good stead. Never thought it would be needed but such is life - I am financially inependent and do not need Exs monies to survive - does not negate his responsibility to his DCS though.

It gives me a freedom that he and his now second EX could never exploit and put me in the demanding EX category - have never sked him for a penny - took him 2 years to pay the first payment - interestingly after he left her!!

In the financial respect - I am free!

Absolutely agree. I was given this advice and heeded it. Unfortunately, DPs ex missed the memo. It has been suggested on mumsnet that I should contribute to DPs ex household because it can't be nice for DSD to see that she lives a different lifestyle from my DD.

@Dugee
You are setting a great example for your daughter. It is not likely that she will have a child that she is incapable of supporting on her own.

I think that parents should support their children together, but a woman is most unwise if she elects to have a child or children that she in incapable of supporting on her own.

My parents too taught their daughters to be financially prepared and capable of supporting themselves and their children.

To them, the ability to support was not a gender responsibility but a parent responsibility. This obligation was not tied to being married or together. This obligation came with giving birth to a child.

@Tiredoftattler

The issue we have is that I earn a decent salary, DP earns an ok one and DPs ex works part time on NMW. My opinion is that DP and I are responsible for DD. DP and his ex are responsible for DSD. DPs ex is responsible for her other child (she doesn't know who the father is but it isn't my DP).

My opinion seems to differ from the opinion of certain mumsnetters who think I should contribute towards DPs ex household as apparently it is my responsibility to ensure that DSD (and her brother) have the same lifestyle as my DD.

The only child that you are obligated to support is your own. Your partner and his ex should work on improving their levels and types of employment to ensure that they can provide a better lifestyle for their child.

I do not understand anymore having a child for whom they are unwilling to work to support even if that means working 2 jobs.

@Tiredoftattler

Men and women largely Know the strengths and weaknesses of the people with whom they decide to pro create. A man or woman whose focus was on money and evading responsibility was likely that way when they were together. No surprise that they do not change when they separate.

I completely agree with this. All too often both men and women ignore these things when they were always there.

I read these threads and it seems that so many ex wives are lazy, never worked, poor work ethic, always demanding money or barely ever worked.

Yet these men chose to (marry) have children with these lazy women, who mostly seem to have a limited education and no tangible career. It seems they overlooked this for whatever reason.

Then the attitude of the ex wives filters down to the children and they think money grows on trees demanding all kinds.

I don't doubt that people can change, but from these kind of threads, it seems the ex wife was always this way....they won't magically change after separation.

I know there are many cases where the ex wife put her career on hold or gave it up to raise the children, while his thrived and is at a financial disadvantage...so he may well feel obligated to keep paying up.

Your partner and his ex should work on improving their levels and types of employment to ensure that they can provide a better lifestyle for their child.

My partner already works full time and earns above average. He pays more than CMS require and also buys things directly for DSD. I earn substantially more than average. The disparity between DSD and DD lives is caused by the fact that I earn substantially more then DSD's mother (part time NMW). I think DPs ex has been reading mumsnet as she asked for the CMS to be increased as she thinks the amount should take into account my salary. She thinks it's unreasonable to for her work more hours, even though the elder son is in high school and DSD will be starting high school in September. I work full time btw and DD is preschool.

@SpongebobNoPants

What children need and require and what lifestyle is to be provided for those children should be the result of decisions and agreements made by the parents prior to the conception of those children

I agree but my DP has not agreed to his ex not working, she has made a unilateral decision to limit her own earnings and she just expects him to constantly pick up the slack for her lifestyle choice.
He has no say in it. He has also gone on to forge a good career for himself since they split which she now benefits from. Again, I say she benefits because she ultimately does as she is receiving more in CMS than half of the children’s costs.

This. And this is how these conversations get to such a level of disagreement on here. We have the same. The ex chooses to work 3 days a week therefore affording her a 4 day weekend every damn week of the year.

However we have two of us working a full week, often with unpaid overtime to get the job done. In lockdown the pressure is more and more of the same for two working people who get no time off even at weekends. Yet we're always the ones who should feel guilty for not paying more even though we've both taken Covid pay cuts + more hours. Ex W n the other hand has two nearly adult children with maintenance +++ (+++ supported by me) and yet she's the hard done by one

These threads always go the same way. Bitter women refusing to believe some women are just out for money. My dps ex is the same. We pay everything and i mean everything we pay her rent, bills, food, every single thing her daughters need from clothes, shoes, transport, toys. She cant claim benefits and refuses to get a job yet she texts dp all the time asking for more money because she wants to go out on the bus or to see her friend. (even during a pandemic when she has housemates.)

I sympathise op. My dp has taken a 20% paycut on furlough yet the ex is still demanding more money all the time. She has zero concept that money doesn't grow on trees.

@Justriseaboveitkiddo

My dps ex went a bit loco a few weeks back and started demanding that I pay dps maintenance after he got made redundant (I didn't btw). He since got a new job that is part time nmw and nowhere near what he used to earn. There's not much he can do about the amount of maintenance he now pays until he secures a higher paid job or wins the lottery. His ex is not happy in the slightest. She is constantly demanding more money and I do mean DEMANDING!!! She took to showing up at my house demanding money and I told her earlier this week that if she comes to my house ever again I will kick dp out and she will have to share her maintenance amount 50/50 with me. We haven't seen her since. I used to help out in the way of I'd pay for things for us and our house because he was buying stuff for dsc but I'm not doing this any more. I get that money is tight for everyone and money troubles live in the forefront of your mind and can drive you mental but if magic wands existed for nrp's to magic more money then rp's would also get to have magic wands that could magic more money. So long as your dp isn't being a twat and is doing the best he can without malice in his heart I wouldn't worry about her wanting more money too much. No situation is forever, if they were still together there wouldn't be anymore money for more things anyway. When there is more money there is more to share when there is less then there is less to share. Those are just the rules.

I remember your thread! Glad to hear you're standing firm with the CF. Also this really made me laugh - I told her earlier this week that if she comes to my house ever again I will kick dp out and she will have to share her maintenance amount 50/50 with me. Very good line.

@Dugee
Sometimes , you have to earn well above average when you want to provide adequately for more than 1 child. There is no excuse for the mother not working more as well to provide for her child.

It is sad when children have to do without because of the actions and in actions of both their parents.

I would never let my children do without something simply because their dad was not providing adequately. I don't think that saying " I pay my share " is an adequate excuse or explanation. No parent had 1/2 a child. Each parent has 100% obligation and responsibllity regardless of what the other parent does or does not do. You cannot father or give birth to half of a child.