DP EX always asking for more money !

[CocoLady]

Due to pandemic job losses etc DP recently had to get new job and take a pay cut, had to lower maintenance by £40 a month. His is living day by day and on not even on the bread line, in Csa his new lower salary says the new amount he has to give and He gives his ex a few hundred a month for his child. She has recently been demanding every week for new clothes for his child as keeps growing out of them etc, he explained he's sorry and he literally cannot afford anymore and said he gives her the right amount anyway. Do any of you have ex's they do this ? Should she just manage and buy the clothes out of the maintenance she gets as surely it's there for that ?
Thanks

[quote Tiredoftattler]@Dugee
Sometimes , you have to earn well above average when you want to provide adequately for more than 1 child. There is no excuse for the mother not working more as well to provide for her child.

It is sad when children have to do without because of the actions and in actions of both their parents.

I would never let my children do without something simply because their dad was not providing adequately. I don't think that saying " I pay my share " is an adequate excuse or explanation. No parent had 1/2 a child. Each parent has 100% obligation and responsibllity regardless of what the other parent does or does not do. You cannot father or give birth to half of a child.[/quote]
However, in our situation, the disparity between DSD and DD's life is because I worked hard and got a professional job, professional qualifications and a professional salary. DSD's mother chooses to work part time on NMW, despite the fact that her kids are 10 and 14.

All of DSD's essential needs are met. If DPs ex wants more money for treats then she does have the option of increasing her hours. DP's ex thinks that as well as paying for DSD to come on holiday with us, DP should pay for her, DSD and other son to go on holiday as a family, for example.

Why on earth should you be paying for their holiday!? DSD has two parents. And she is getting a holiday with you.

It's almost as if she wants the financial benefits of being married!

Wow that's bonkers Dugee

Thanks for all replies , wow so many ! So his ex does work and gets all benefits too on top n has no live in partner that we know of. I have DC of my own with an ex who thinks they live on fresh air and doesn't contribute more a few pounds a week but does have them every week and for that it's like I should be grateful! I work myself 2 jobs and support my DC for everything they have and need. But that's another story. So as far as I'm aware DP ex got him into debt which was joint when together but she refused to pay a penny when they split so he's left paying thousands years later! she is a money grabber to me and as far as people can say "well she's supporting her dc full time" well so does he when he has dc,clothes roof over their head, toys games days out when he can holidays but things have changed since he got a pay cut and she must think he's lying or something 🙄 she will Only has to have name brands for her dc and won't have second hand or charity clothing at all. So isn't doing bad for money at all she's just wants to take him for every penny.

@Pippa234 @NewScone

Yes, but that's her expectation and as her demands are always declined she gets angry and says she is being treated unfairly. Sadly, there are a lot of posters on here who agree with her.

My H took all his and his ExW debt when they split. She also had full custody. He thought it was the right thing to do at the time, thinking of his D. Over the years exW has ripped off every man she has ever had a relationship with, she’s worked hard too but at a detriment to her D. She has always wanted something, anything. She’s obsessed with stuff. We have struggled financially as we have a disabled child, working full time was impossible for me. At one point she wanted money for a school trip that was money for a wheelchair for my child. Our last Maintenance payment is in September and I can’t wait to never here her whining for money again.

It's a really difficult situation for all concerned, clearly your DH can't pay money he doesn't have to his ex, but her children's needs don't reduce in line with his drop in wages either. That being said, if he's paying for clothes etc on top of maintenance then he's obviously been doing the right thing, and his ex could be more understanding.

I am under the impression - rightly or wrongly - that as the CMS have calculated what my ex should pay me, and so long as he pays it, I'm not allowed to ask for anything on top. So I never have. In the 15 years he's been paying, it's never been as much as £200 a month... It doesn't pay for much, to be fair. Thankfully, I've always worked and am financially independent, I wanted him to pay because it's his moral responsibility (and because he argued that he shouldn't have to, since I earn a decent wage!)

I am under the impression - rightly or wrongly - that as the CMS have calculated what my ex should pay me, and so long as he pays it, I'm not allowed to ask for anything on top.

You can ask for extra but he isn't obliged to pay any extra.

We know that the maintenance DP pays his ex doesn't go on DSD which is why we pay extra for things directly. We buy her clothes - they used to disappear back to her mum's and never be seen at ours again and DSD would turn up in worn/too small clothes and shoes, so now she has sets of clothes and shoes that we buy and keep at ours. We also pay directly for classes she does and school trips, so that she doesn't miss out. She also comes on two holidays a year with us. In normal times of course, when these things are allowed to happen.

However we aren't going to pay for DPs ex to live in a bigger house, buy her a new car or go on holiday with her family. DP (or me) are not obliged to pay for those things.

DSD's mother chooses to work part time on NMW, despite the fact that her kids are 10 and 14

Is she actually capable or intelligent enough to do better? I can't imagine anyone who had experience or qualifications to get a decent job would settle for NMW job. When my DD was 16 she had a pt job paying £13ph.

DP's ex thinks that as well as paying for DSD to come on holiday with us, DP should pay for her, DSD and other son to go on holiday as a family, for example.

This is just madness. Pure stupidity.
Nobody in full possession of their mental faculties would even utter such nonsense, so I can only conclude she's crazy and shameless.

@Shaniac

My dps ex is the same. We pay everything and i mean everything we pay her rent, bills, food, every single thing her daughters need from clothes, shoes, transport, toys.

This sounds rather unusual to be effectively paying for everything in another household. I really couldn't be in the relationship with someone with such a financially dependent ex, I'd find it intolerable.

I don't know if he would be able to pay all her living costs, as well as his own if he wasn't with you.

she texts dp all the time asking for more money because she wants to go out on the bus or to see her friend.

Does he ever say no? Because giving her money whenever she asks is just enabling her.

He might as well have his DC living with him...it would be cheaper. Assuming of course that he could manage any childcare if required...homework support...extra curricular activities etc.

@SandyY2K

Given the ages of her two kids, she could certainly do more hours.

Re capability and intelligence - she never seems to have applied herself to building a career. Just a chain of unfinished college courses and jobs she seems to lose often.

@SandyY2K. Sadly she wouldn't ever let his dd live with him. Her other dd isnt biologically his but he cares for her as if she is. It would be 100x cheaper and better if she lived with us which is a ballache. He says no on occasion when shes really taking the poss but its rare. Because she is from another non eu country and circumstances around her taking his dd away to her home country at birth and refusing all access until her return 7 months ago means he is petrified of her leaving. He isnt on dds birth cert and has no way of doing that as she has an african birth cert not a uk one, so has no way of stopping her going.

And no we are both on nmw. If i wasnt with dp he couldn't afford both households she would have to move in with him and it would be ww3.

I know there are many cases where the ex wife put her career on hold or gave it up to raise the children, while his thrived and is at a financial disadvantage...so he may well feel obligated to keep paying up

feel obligated - seriously

feel obligated - seriously

Yes. My comment was he may feel obligated depending on the circumstances. I didn't say he must or should feel obligated, just that he may do.

In the situation where their agreement was she (or he) would be a SAHP, allowing the other parent to progress in their career, while the SAHP stopped working...making a sacrifice.

Then when they split, it's not that easy to pick up where they left off career wise before the children and their earning potential is affected due to years out of work. These situations affect women by and large as primary carers.

Of course if the situation is the ex never worked..or didn't have anything much of a career pre children, then I don't see the feeling of obligation applying in this situation.

Sorry still don't get your logic - she may not have had a career before hand - who knows if she wanted one but because she didn't and she was a SAHM there should be no obligation to help his EX and he dumps her with what little resources she brought into the marriage.

Despite what we see on MN where every new DP pays over and above the CSA - the stats speak for themselves. The vast majority of men in this country pay NO maintenance for their children and the average amount is so pitiful it is embarrassing. That society lets them get away with it and we see men and women justify this - with self employed paying themselves minimum wage then huge not accountable dividends etc - says more about those arseholes and the people who justify their actions than anything else.

My ex 3rd child is pay per view. PAy my inflated ask this month, pay for my holiday and my other DCS and you can see your child - that is as wrong as NRPs who do not pay.

Where do you get your statistics from. Don't tar all with the same brush. Latest gov.uk shows the compliance rate via CMS is 74%. This obviously doesn't include any private arrangements so the majority of NRP - male and female do pay.

The amount is proportional to the income and yes there will be people who play the system as there is in all aspects of society but this will be the minority not the majority.

If I talk of our personal situation- DP has DSS 40:60, pays over £200 maintenance, quite rightly provides all that is needed for his time here and school uniform for at both homes. Based on figures even if the expectation is for him to he paying 100% for the additional 7 days max a month he is with his Mum, that is £30 a day to provide for all is needs. She chooses to not work which is her lifestyle choice, but as long as DSS is provided for sufficiently we should not have to subsidise her lifestyle as has been requested.

Other split families I know also all pay for their children, so both anecdotally and based on government figures released it is to the contrary of your post.

It is an extremely polarised argument that raises its head regularly on here but I am sick and tired of it always being said NRP (and in some cases their partners) should be paying more/subsidising exs lifestyle etc without there ever being consideration of the split of care or NRP costs of living either. It is not their responsibility to pay the full costs to maintain 2 households, but the responsibility of both parents in their separate households respectively, with contributions to their childrens care proportionally.

CMS is fundamentally flawed - but it is bias towards NRP who have near to 50-50 care as much as it is to RP who are single handedly raising their children yet the former is seldom mentioned.

And for anyone who wants the figures -
www.gov.uk/government/statistics/child-maintenance-service-statistics-data-to-june-2020-experimental/child-maintenance-service-statistics-data-to-june-2020-experimental

@yvanka

She didn't believe me but dp was stood at the side of me in the porch and told her that I wouldn't have to kick him out because he would voluntary leave to keep me and our baby from having to put up with her shit. If he's not there then obviously she's not there.
The weird thing is I hadn't spoken a word to her before a few weeks ago, now it seems I'm her new crush and she can't get enough of me. I'd probably be flattered if I wasn't so f*cked off.
I'm back to meditating with wine and I haven't done that since my best mate borrowed my vintage levis demin jacket in 2003 and got something I darent even think about all down the back of it because she laid it on the ground to have a shag.
I mean why she couldn't go on top is just beyond me!!!
Anyway... The exw has been quiet for a few days now so that's nice.
And dp is sooo happy at work although I do worry that a McMonster has been created because he announced the other day that burgers are where its at and he wants a burger van but not a "lay by" burger van he wants a gourmet, up their own arse, tilly and tarquin (apologies to any tillys and tarquins, he heard it on Brassic) style burger van with a couple of Michelin stars (he really must find out what to do to get Michelin stars but I'll obviously help with that because I have nothing else better to do) and he can take it to all the festivals too.
It saddens me to admit that whilst I was stood there listening to him all excited and full of positivity and vigour and getting into his idea, which is actually feasible, my thoughts ran to his ex and what she would say and do if he ever went self employed.
I can see why some new partners come to hate the exw's, they can quite easily become the wolf who gets fed the most without you even realising its happening until its too late.

I do get a bit cynical with threads like this.
My DH paid for years well over twice the amount that the CSA said was acceptable. Three nights a week with us, and Weekly demands for more - clothes, every school trip, every out of school activity, every scout camp, every time new school uniforms were required. Sometimes wondered what his exW actually paid for; all the while she and her new DH enjoyed fancy holidays (Florida x2 and Caribbean x3 in the first 3 years I knew her) and she worked 2 shifts a week while we did all the overtime we could find and still ended every month buying food on the credit card. And yet in MN world, the resident parent is always a saint.

I do wonder what the situation would be like if the mum and dad were still together and dad had a pay cut.
Of course the childrens (or parents) needs don't change, bills would still have to be paid BUT there would still be a reduction in income going into the household.
So what would happen? THEY would try and save on non essentials, perhaps reduce food bill, by shopping different supermarket or making other adjustments. Perhaps not by alcohol, or reduce savings, luxuries may be cut back.
If you would have to do this as a couple then do you not have to do this even if separated. If maintenance is a source of income and your income is reduced, is it wrong to think that 'mum' maybe needs to prioritise expenditure whilst she has reduced 'income'.
And I'm not talking about where maintenance is reduced purposefully as spite or anything but in genuine examples.
I suspect there will have been many NRPs that have reduced income in the past year. Perhaps both their and their partner - a possible minimum 40% reduction in their household income.
I'm not debating whether CMS payments are calculated correctly, or whether the system is any good.
And my DP also had to reduce maintenance payments. Our kids still have needs, still cost the same, bills needed paying but we had massively reduce income.. DP is self employed. We had to prioritise what income we had coming in and adjust Everything accordingly.

I do wonder what the situation would be like if the mum and dad were still together and dad had a pay cut

This is what I mentioned earlier; in a ‘together’ family you just have to cut your cloth accordingly. There’s nowhere else to look for extra cash.

Apologies @whitewinefriday I must have missed your post. I did read most posts. But exactly if there's a reduced income a 'together' family has to deal with it.

Where do you get your statistics from. Don't tar all with the same brush. Latest gov.uk shows the compliance rate via CMS is 74%

If you look at Gingerbread statistics, the majority of maintenance is unpaid. Of maintenance that is paid, the average is around £25 a week. You forget that some of us don’t bother because there is no point. For example, I have just had £15k written off by the CMS. There is no point whatsoever continuing with a case.

@EnoughnowIthink but those statistics don’t count for all the private arrangements for child maintenance do they? Out of all the split couples I know in my social circle I can only think of one where they have used CMS and that was because the NRP was refusing to pay... so those figures are likely skewed. RP generally use CMS when the other parent is refusing or underpaying, people who are amicable and the NRP is a decent human being generally don’t need to.

Also consider the source. Gingerbread is a charity for single parents who need advice / are struggling so the sample population for those statistics is already narrowed down to those who are likely to have a difficult situation with their ex so it isn’t representative of the population as a whole.
What the statistics really mean is “of all the single parents who use our services, most do not receive the correct or any maintenance for their children from the NRP”.

@EnoughnowIthink the