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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I’ve never felt so alone...

66 replies

PLN4life · 15/02/2021 22:28

Hey mamas (and dads?)

I know this won’t be the first post of its type. But I just feel so alone.

I have 2 SDs and 2 DDs (with husband).

I can’t even be bothered to go into the dynamics but SD2 (17) has lived with us for 4 years SD1 (20) lives with us for 9 years.

SD2 has tonight sent my husband a string of abusive txts because he dared not to set her up a “trust fund”. Just for some background info: husband set bank accounts up for all 4 girls at birth and SD1&2 are currently driving around in theirs - both had cars for their 17th

She’s somehow found out that I’ve set up savings accounts for my 2 girls. When confronted. My husband said “well ask your mum where your other account is”

Then SD1 txt SD2 to say “what the hell! We don’t have trust funds and SHE set them up for DD1&DD2”

Why am I sitting here in tears because I set my own 2 bloody children bank accounts up at birth????

This isn’t intended as a “woe is me” post. I literally have nowhere else to turn. I’m sure you’re all familiar with difficult family dynamics and I can’t turn to any of my friends - they just don’t get it. SD2 is money OBSESSED. I’ve never, ever know anything like it!

SD2 absolutely despises me, until she wants something, and recently doesn’t even try to hide it. I feel like a door mat in my own home. I’ve never wanted to pack my car up and take my 2 girls before in my life - how ironic that we’re on lockdown and I can’t even get away for a weekend away from it all.

If you’ve made it this far. Thanks for listening ❤️

OP posts:
Princessbanana · 15/02/2021 22:38

Have you told them they are driving around in their savings? This would piss me off! What does your DH say about her treating you like this and where is her mother?

Original poster
PLN4life · 15/02/2021 22:45

How long do you have lol!

BM is one of life’s “victims”. I have a really good career and earn well. She’s never been able to stand it, used to slag me off to the kids all the time about it. ALL.THE.TIME. SD2 visits her mum regularly whereas SD1 has no relationship with her at all.

Yea he told her that she’s driving around in hers and she said, and I quote “you’re pathetic. You need to open up another account and put me £5k in there. I can’t believe you would let DD1 & DD2 get more money than us, you’re a joke. I hate you”

He said pack your stuff and go back to your mums....

I can’t stop crying. I can’t believe this is how things have turned out. Because, somehow l, through all this. It’ll be my fault. Everything with SD2 is my fault.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 15/02/2021 22:49

Seems like your DH has set her straight, so I wouldn't worry if I was you.

Andi2020 · 15/02/2021 22:50

Tell them it's none off their business what you do with your money is no concern off theirs.

Princessbanana · 15/02/2021 22:51

Ahh mum is one of those kind!🙄 well at least we know SD2 didn’t lick it from the grass! What does SD1 think of the whole thing? I must say, you are lucky that your DH isn’t taking any shit off her because you see that a lot on these threads! But you know it’s not your fault, as does your DH and that’s what really matters. She can play the victim all she wants but you and DH know the truth! Has she gone back to her mothers?

nimbuscloud · 15/02/2021 22:53

Good that your dh told her to leave.

Youseethethingis · 16/02/2021 06:53

I wouldn’t worry about it for two reasons.

  1. your husband has your back and he’s the person who matters
  2. the world will make short work of a person who says “I hate you, you need to give me your money” I feel sorry for your DH too, he must be mortified by his children’s behaviour. I know I would be. You’ve done nothing wrong and there’s no reasonable person who can argue that you have.
Pleaseaddcaffine · 16/02/2021 08:18

I've set up savings for my ds and asked dp to for his 4 kids incd ds but he won't. Ds should have a reasonable amount when he reaches adulthood. I feel zero guilt for this and nor should you.
Well done for dp setting them straight. And I get your upset but honestly I'd be more angry given their behaviour!!

aSofaNearYou · 16/02/2021 09:04

*I wouldn’t worry about it for two reasons.

  1. your husband has your back and he’s the person who matters
  2. the world will make short work of a person who says “I hate you, you need to give me your money” I feel sorry for your DH too, he must be mortified by his children’s behaviour. I know I would be. You’ve done nothing wrong and there’s no reasonable person who can argue that you have.*

This, absolutely.

heart80s · 16/02/2021 09:10

Tell her to go to her mothers and not to return until she apologies. Make sure your husband has your back.

Radio4Rocks · 16/02/2021 09:11

Looks like DH has your back. Throw the ungrateful creature out.

combatbarbie · 16/02/2021 09:21

Well in a rare form on MN, DH has got your back and has told them straight.

I have a very similar set up to you OP. Whilst the DSC had an account it wasn't for very much and paid out about £3k to each of them at 16 whereas my DC accounts will be paying out more. I don't feel guilty.

Original poster
PLN4life · 16/02/2021 12:31

@combatbarbie

Well in a rare form on MN, DH has got your back and has told them straight.

I have a very similar set up to you OP. Whilst the DSC had an account it wasn't for very much and paid out about £3k to each of them at 16 whereas my DC accounts will be paying out more. I don't feel guilty.

Oh it’s not all roses with DH - believe me. I’m unsure sometimes how were even still married.

I just feel so sad this morning. SD1 has txt SD2 saying that because of their dad they basically have “no life”

I won’t go into the holidays/Christmas’s/birthdays/cars etc. I’ve never know a more entitled almost 18yr old

OP posts:
Bollss · 16/02/2021 12:37

She sounds like a spoilt little cow. You've done nothing wrong op. My ds will get more savings than dss, but that's because dp opened both accounts jointly with the mother of each of his children. Fortunately for my child I'm not a moron and it's remained open and we've both carried on putting money into it. Unfortunately for dss, when dp left his mother cleared the account and presumably spent it. Dp has put aside money since but it obviously won't be half as much.

ginnybag · 16/02/2021 13:11

What a pair of madams they are!

Ugh. What an awful example they are for your kids.

Tbh, I'd rip them apart for the rudeness and the entitlement, if nothing else. One's an adult; the other's not far off. Old enough to know better and to at least show manners. How they speak to their mum and dad is for them to deal with - but they don't get to talk to you and treat you like that, particularly not in your own home. They aren't seven years olds who can't understand why mum and dad aren't together anymore.

Your DH has already said that if they're unhappy, they're free to move in with their mum. I'd add 'if they're not willing to show some respect and boundaries' to that, as well.

I'd never normally advocate causing that row, but your marriage won't survive this level of toxicity for long, and they aren't little kids who need understanding for bad behaviour being caused by emotions they don't understand. They don't like you now, so you might as well put your line in the sand and be clear.

Frankly, you'd probably be doing them a favour, because unless someone checks them, they're going to find adulthood utterly awful.

Original poster
PLN4life · 16/02/2021 16:39

To be fair to SD1, she’s nowhere near as bad and really defends me when SD2 runs her mouth off about me (SD1 has no relationship with BM other than the odd txt here and there and she openly considers me her mum - which I’ve never encouraged, it’s just the way things worked out)

SD2 came to live with us 4 years ago because she has FOMO.

The atmosphere in the house sometimes is crippling.

DH scared to parent her incase she leaves - last night was the first real time he’s ever stood upto her.

I feel so emotional still today

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 16/02/2021 17:21

DH scared to parent her incase she leaves - last night was the first real time he’s ever stood upto her* oh so this is a much larger problem and not just about money, she does sound like a spoilt madam though!!

combatbarbie · 16/02/2021 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PLN4life · 16/02/2021 17:45

Yea absolutely. The amount of rows it’s caused over the years is huge. He walks on egg shells around her

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 16/02/2021 18:08

The atmosphere in the house sometimes is crippling

Yikes. I don’t know if I could cope with that.

Tiredoftattler · 16/02/2021 18:48

OP your husband may not be an effective parent to his daughter, but you are a seemingly capable adult. Why are you surrendering control in your household to a mouthy teenager? What can she say to you such that you cannot respond as the adult in control?

Is your husband such a great prize that you are fearful of losing him? If you earn a sufficient living why do you feel the need to let any of these people hold you hostage?

LatentPhase · 16/02/2021 19:21

@Tiredoftattler

OP your husband may not be an effective parent to his daughter, but you are a seemingly capable adult. Why are you surrendering control in your household to a mouthy teenager? What can she say to you such that you cannot respond as the adult in control?

Is your husband such a great prize that you are fearful of losing him? If you earn a sufficient living why do you feel the need to let any of these people hold you hostage?

^^ these are very good questions
Teardrop2021 · 16/02/2021 19:47

What does FOMO mean? You refer to The m As Bm does the second dd have no relationship at all with her mother i know the 1st dd doesn't? Is she getting any counselling for her behaviour?

Original poster
PLN4life · 16/02/2021 19:57

I’m always trying to maintain balance in our house and keep the peace, whilst effectively parenting at the same time - but it’s difficult with an almost 18 year old that feels resentful towards me.

In text - it all sounds so simple doesn’t it? Why am I letting them hold me hostage? but nothings ever that simple. I love my husband, I love the life that we’ve worked so hard for 15 years to build.

OP posts:
Original poster
PLN4life · 16/02/2021 20:01

@Teardrop2021

What does FOMO mean? You refer to The m As Bm does the second dd have no relationship at all with her mother i know the 1st dd doesn't? Is she getting any counselling for her behaviour?
FOMO - fear of missing out.

Sorry - I thought BM a was the acronym used? SD2 does have a relationship with her mum, but SD1 doesn’t, aside from the odd txt.

We’ve discussed counselling in the past but she laughs it off. Says she’s not the problem etc etc

OP posts: