I’ve never felt so alone...

[PLN4life]

Hey mamas (and dads?)

I know this won’t be the first post of its type. But I just feel so alone.

I have 2 SDs and 2 DDs (with husband).

I can’t even be bothered to go into the dynamics but SD2 (17) has lived with us for 4 years SD1 (20) lives with us for 9 years.

SD2 has tonight sent my husband a string of abusive txts because he dared not to set her up a “trust fund”. Just for some background info: husband set bank accounts up for all 4 girls at birth and SD1&2 are currently driving around in theirs - both had cars for their 17th

She’s somehow found out that I’ve set up savings accounts for my 2 girls. When confronted. My husband said “well ask your mum where your other account is”

Then SD1 txt SD2 to say “what the hell! We don’t have trust funds and SHE set them up for DD1&DD2”

Why am I sitting here in tears because I set my own 2 bloody children bank accounts up at birth????

This isn’t intended as a “woe is me” post. I literally have nowhere else to turn. I’m sure you’re all familiar with difficult family dynamics and I can’t turn to any of my friends - they just don’t get it. SD2 is money OBSESSED. I’ve never, ever know anything like it!

SD2 absolutely despises me, until she wants something, and recently doesn’t even try to hide it. I feel like a door mat in my own home. I’ve never wanted to pack my car up and take my 2 girls before in my life - how ironic that we’re on lockdown and I can’t even get away for a weekend away from it all.

If you’ve made it this far. Thanks for listening ❤️

I really feel for you op. I agree with pp that your SDs behaviour is utterly disgraceful and you shouldn't stand for it.

But, I'm also with @Milkshake7489 on this one. I'm a step daughter, twice over, a fortunate one with loving step parents. I also don't have half siblings to compete with.

However, I know exactly how I'd feel as a teenager if I did and how I'd feel if I found out that they had had more saved for them by parents.

Raging insecurity and jealousy would probably just about cover it - as an adult its very difficult to regulate those emotions, even when you know you're in the wrong. For a 17yo with hormones, trying to find their place in the world and with a brain still not yet developed to adulthood? Nightmare.

I was wondering how integrated your role as SM is and you seem to have answered it by saying that SD1 calls you mum and you love them both the same as you do your own children.

This is the point. If so, then why has the playing field not been levelled?

I get it, I really do and I definitely don't think you're an evil SM in any way. But this isn't just a childhood/adolescent issue. How many rifts occur because of Wills?

I'm not saying you should have put your own money away for your SDs. Im just pointing out the discrepancy between what the relationship is perceived to be and what it is perceived to be in reality.

Your SDs behaviour is completely out of line, no doubt about it, but im going to go into teenager behaviour because we all know how awful it can be.

I would think your SD2 is also looking to you to be the mother figure she doesn't have in her mum and it must be terribly shocking for her to feel that she doesn't have it in you too.

Nor am i saying that you and your DH should give them the financial difference. But I do think you need to discuss with your DH how to resolve this situation and how finances going forward are going to be split between your DDs and your SDs. Like it or not, whatever you decide is going be seen as reflective of you think about your SDs.

If you don't feel the same about them as you do about your DDs, that's ok - it really is. But you need to find a way to address the insecurity and the envy became if you don't, it will fester. Some might think its easier to be honest with SC rather than have them believe they sense a lie.

For what its worth, I think you sound like a lovely DM and SM. It's just, this is massive thing for a teenager to get their head around.

I'm finding this thread quite a hard read if I'm honest.

The overriding narrative seems to be that it's up to the SM to "fix any gaps" to ensure equality between all the children.

The father of all the children has treated them equally in setting up a car fund.

The fact that the SC's mother has not built up any savings for her children should not mean that the OP should either forgo doing this for her children or set up similar accounts for the step children.

SD1's reaction of "take it up with your mother" was spot on.

The behaviour of SD2 is appalling. She treats the OP with utter distain unless she wants something.

I don't blame her for that - it's something she's learned that works because no one until now has challenged her. The OP wants to keep the peace and her DH hasn't disciplined her until now in fear she'll move out.

Tbh OP you should t hope this blows over. This should be a wake up call to the whole family that a revision of attitudes is in order - for everyone.

You and your DH need to set some house rules about respect/chores etc (that apply to all) and if SD2 doesn't agree to them then yes, she can live with her mother.

Stop trying to play peacemaker - it's a hiding to nothing. You won't have respect in your own home if you don't assert appropriate boundaries.

SC don't have a right to behave like brats because their parents don't live together. Allowing this crap does them a huge disservice about how life works and how they can mature into independent adults.

As does constantly "fixing" or "levelling up" the mistakes of the other parent.

Yes, I'm sure she's jealous/insecure etc (name me a teen who isn't) but pandering to this shit is not helping anybody.

@DeRigueurMortis - great post & spot on in everything you say 👏🏻.

Thank you @Magda72

To clarify, I absolutely don't think the Op has a responsibility to do anything to 'level up' and I had hoped that my post made that clear. I was putting forward a perspective that might explain how extreme SD2s reaction was.

I also don't think it anyway excuses the SD for her behaviour which as I said, is disgraceful.

I do think that the OP and her DH would benefit from discussing between themselves how to handle this situation and how to handle any future situations because jealousy does fester. And because there is clearly insecurity on the part of SD2 who they clearly both care about.

The SD2 behaviour is reprehensible and I don't believe the Op is responsible for that. Neither her nor herDH deserve that.

The SD2 behaviour is reprehensible and I don't believe the Op is responsible for that. Neither her nor herDH deserve that.

I disagree. The DH by all accounts does deserve that because until this incident that's how he's chosen to parent his child. That she can get away with shitty behaviour because he's "scared" she'll move out.

Typically these men aren't scared they are just fucking lazy. Anything for an easy life as long as their "wants" aren't compromised.

I appreciate what you're saying about "levelling up" in relation to your specific post but it's endemic on SM threads that this is an expectation.

Even more so of "levelling down" without a whit of appreciation for the impact on the children of a second relationship.

By way of example, holiday threads. How many times do we see "NO, NO you must take the SC on holiday with you otherwise you're evil" - without understanding the context of circumstances where e.g. the SC have been to Disney Floria with their mother but the "second" children are denied this because to take all the children on holiday means camping in Wales (which is lovely and thus not a reflection on Wales).

That's not equality for the children. It's a life sentence on a SM constantly having to sacrifice her and her children's life experiences to balance crooked books.

I'm sorry if I sound sharp but I'm done with double standards I see on this part of the forum (not by you just in general).

It's constantly invaded by posters with an agenda rather than being a supportive forum for SM's.

Thank you for replying @DeRigueurMortis, I don't want to risk derailing the thread by responding to your post in full because I don't think that's fair to Op, but you raise some interesting points. I haven't read much in the way of step parenting threads here, not surprised to hear there are double standards at play though.

Op, I really do hope you and your family are able to work things out - you come across as a really caring person and i think you've been placed in such a difficult situation

@TaraR2020

In return, thank you for your thoughtful response.

All too often it seems on here that the 'first' children are to be afforded equal parenting & attention by any adult they come into contact with - their parents partners/their stepparents & any extended family members be they blood relatives or relatives of their stepparents.

The 'second' children are only really supposed to have one adult giving them full on time & attention - their mother, and then only if their mother does so in a manner that doesn't upset the 'first' children & their mother. All other adults in their lives - their father & both their father's & mother's extended families are to never treat them in any way above and beyond the 'first' children. It doesn't matter if their maternal grandparents barely know the 'first' children - they are still to treat them as they do their own grandchildren, as 'first' children must be made feel more special than 'second' children all the time.
The double standard is mind boggling & I'm saying that as the mother of 'first' children.
I honestly don't know how so many women on here cope with this inequality in their day to day lives & never being able to make any decision for their own dc (no matter how major or minor) without having to first check if the the sdc are going to be upset.
I know first hand the upset caused to dc by dad moving on - but upset needs to be addressed & managed, not fed & encouraged.

[quote Magda72]@DeRigueurMortis - great post & spot on in everything you say 👏🏻.[/quote]
Totally agree.

Step-daughters need to take this up with their bio mom.

Is bio mom starting savings accounts for the OP's daughters? Ask the SDs that and watch their greedy little deer in headlights eyes.

@Magda72

All too often it seems on here that the 'first' children are to be afforded equal parenting & attention by any adult they come into contact with - their parents partners/their stepparents & any extended family members be they blood relatives or relatives of their stepparents. The 'second' children are only really supposed to have one adult giving them full on time & attention - their mother, and then only if their mother does so in a manner that doesn't upset the 'first' children & their mother. All other adults in their lives - their father & both their father's & mother's extended families are to never treat them in any way above and beyond the 'first' children. It doesn't matter if their maternal grandparents barely know the 'first' children - they are still to treat them as they do their own grandchildren, as 'first' children must be made feel more special than 'second' children all the time. The double standard is mind boggling & I'm saying that as the mother of 'first' children. I honestly don't know how so many women on here cope with this inequality in their day to day lives & never being able to make any decision for their own dc (no matter how major or minor) without having to first check if the the sdc are going to be upset. I know first hand the upset caused to dc by dad moving on - but upset needs to be addressed & managed, not fed & encouraged.

Well said 🥳

Just a thought but as sd2 is nearly 18 won't she have her own government money somewhere?

@TaraR2020

OP explained that the DSC had savings accounts opened for them, that the savings facilitated the purchase of cars that they are now happily driving around in

As a SM, whose DSC have DSC of their own, I absolutely get that we want things to be fair. It isn't always possible, but surely that's understanding when the savings have been realised into cars.

Wanting the car and the saving is surely the very definition of having your cake and eating it.

How do your SDs know about the bank accounts you opened for your daughters? Are they snooping in your bank statements?

@Laureline

How do your SDs know about the bank accounts you opened for your daughters? Are they snooping in your bank statements?

This is the only conclusion I can think of.

DD1 annual statement came about a few weeks ago and has been in the side in our office (which we don’t keep off limits or anything, but the kids know it’s all work stuff etc)

Leaving post out in there until it’s filed has never been an issue - just because the kids rarely go in there (just full of boring work stuff)

There no other way? It’s not been purposely kept secret, just never openly discussed either with the children...

Bless you Op, sounds awful. Rant away 🌻