I’ve never felt so alone...

[PLN4life]

Hey mamas (and dads?)

I know this won’t be the first post of its type. But I just feel so alone.

I have 2 SDs and 2 DDs (with husband).

I can’t even be bothered to go into the dynamics but SD2 (17) has lived with us for 4 years SD1 (20) lives with us for 9 years.

SD2 has tonight sent my husband a string of abusive txts because he dared not to set her up a “trust fund”. Just for some background info: husband set bank accounts up for all 4 girls at birth and SD1&2 are currently driving around in theirs - both had cars for their 17th

She’s somehow found out that I’ve set up savings accounts for my 2 girls. When confronted. My husband said “well ask your mum where your other account is”

Then SD1 txt SD2 to say “what the hell! We don’t have trust funds and SHE set them up for DD1&DD2”

Why am I sitting here in tears because I set my own 2 bloody children bank accounts up at birth????

This isn’t intended as a “woe is me” post. I literally have nowhere else to turn. I’m sure you’re all familiar with difficult family dynamics and I can’t turn to any of my friends - they just don’t get it. SD2 is money OBSESSED. I’ve never, ever know anything like it!

SD2 absolutely despises me, until she wants something, and recently doesn’t even try to hide it. I feel like a door mat in my own home. I’ve never wanted to pack my car up and take my 2 girls before in my life - how ironic that we’re on lockdown and I can’t even get away for a weekend away from it all.

If you’ve made it this far. Thanks for listening ❤️

BM is classed as a derogatory term to most on MN as used more in terms of adoption etc. Don't worry about it.

Well if she's not the problem then she'd have no issue attending family counselling would she? Time for DH to step up and be a parent.

Bm is used in a spiteful way on mn to attack a mothers role by a sm. It shouldn't be unless they don't have don't have an active role in the step child's life. BM is a term only used in adoptive purposes not to describe an active parent which is why I asked the question if she was present in dd2 life and wondered if that's why she was acting out.

@combatbarbie

BM is classed as a derogatory term to most on MN as used more in terms of adoption etc. Don't worry about it.

Well if she's not the problem then she'd have no issue attending family counselling would she? Time for DH to step up and be a parent.

Oh gosh!!! I’m so sorry! i never knew that! I though it was just to differentiate between bio mums and step mums.

So what do we use instead of BM?

Word* DM is the accoryn Darling Mom.

@Teardrop2021

Bm is used in a spiteful way on mn to attack a mothers role by a sm. It shouldn't be unless they don't have don't have an active role in the step child's life. BM is a term only used in adoptive purposes not to describe an active parent which is why I asked the question if she was present in dd2 life and wondered if that's why she was acting out.

I’m really sorry, I didn’t know this. I never used it to cause offence, I just thought It was a way to differentiate...

My eldest SD doesn’t have a relationship with her mum but SD2 does.

Don't worry about it op, you sound like you come from a caring place and you're doing you're best.

Tbh i got the impression they were both nc with their mom from you're initial posts it was only when I asked about the counselling and if there was any contact. It sounds like you've been doing an an amazing job

Dont worry about the acronyms op. You're clearly werent being goady.

Your dh told her to go to her mum’s. Has she?

Can we not have the whole 'why are you saying BM' thing? It details so many threads. It doesn't matter, it's an acronym, you all know who she means.

@Beforethetakingoftoastandtea

Dont worry about the acronyms op. You're clearly werent being goady.

Your dh told her to go to her mum’s. Has she?

No, but she hasn’t come home from her boyfriends either. Her and DH arent speaking, which means that by proxy, she’s not speaking to me either - although I’ve stayed completely out of the situation, but that’s not unusual behaviour for her to ignore me too when they’re in disagreement over something - and on this occasion, she thinks it’s unfair that I have savings accounts for DD1&2

I’m just really emotional with it all. Lockdown isn’t helping anyone. I’m hoping the storm will pass....

Take the bull by the horns OP, get the little madam out she will just cause you, your DH and your DDs to feel uncomfortable. There is no pacifying someone like that. You have done more than enough as a step parent and what you do for your own is none of her business. In time she may grow up and see things differently but you need to get rid now.
Good luck chuck.

SD2 is very insecure, and is fixated on the amount of money 💰 as she sees this as evidence of her step mum loving her less. She lacks the insight and life experience to be able to see it from an adult parent point of view
She may accept more of what you say when she is calm, but she will likely still tightly defend her belief that she is the lesser loved stepdaughter , as evidenced by less savings from her step mum, even though her Dad has provided a car.

You sound a loving step mum. In time, and with love and patience SD2 will mature and come through this, and move on with her life. How she behaves today will be different again next year, and the following year, much ups and downs, but she will slowly mature.

I would encourage DH to speak to his daughter , tell her she is very much loved and do what you need to do to make sure she is safe. In truth she may never get over losing the security of the family she once had a child, but she will respect you if you hang in there and just keep being ‘you’, a hardworking, loving mum and step mum.
If both of you continue to refuse to get into any arguments with SD2 she will have nothing to bounce off

@midsummabreak What are you inferring, that OP should set up savings accounts for them to keep the peace?

@midsummabreak my DC have also 'lost the stability of a family' or whatever it is you said. If they ever spoke to me (they wouldn't) the way the OP's stepdaughter has spoken to her I can assure you I wouldn't be falling over myself to gush at them about how loved and special they are. I would be extremely disappointed with them, as young adults, and they would be made aware of this very clearly. Having your parents split up is not a get out of jail free card for indefinite outrageous behaviour.

OK so i want to preface this by saying you have done nothing wrong, every step family handles money differently and it sounds like you and your dh have opted to keep separate finances and not to ensure all children get exactly the same level of financial help. Plus your stepdaughter is clearly behaving poorly...

But I kind of get it. 17 year old can be quite immature and it sounds like she might struggle with the fact that you see her as different to your dc. After all, they are her siblings and it can be jarring to be treated differently to other children within the family.

Some teens can conflate money with love and I think I would have been upset at her age if I found out my stepmum didn't love me as much as my step siblings (and I'm sure she doesn't, even though she'd never admit it. They are her children after all)... and that's without me having lived with her full time, having half siblings, or having a poor relationship with my mum to muddy the waters further.

Maybe when things calm down your DH could have a heart to heart with her explaining that she is loved and an equal part of the family but that she needs to treat everyone with respect?

I hear ya! I really do!

Just for clarification - she doesn’t have a poor relationship with her mum (it’s her older sister that has no relationship) she sees her mum regularly (even more now she’s driving)

But you’re right, she txt SD1 saying “I can’t believe they’ll have more than us” - so it seems the amount of money is the issue.

My husband opened each of his 4 girls an account at birth to save for their first cars

The only reason I ended up Opening separate accounts it because when my DD1 was born - it was when the govt gave the £250 trust fund cheque - and the type of account DH has wasn’t the right one to put the cheque in.

Way back then, neither of my step children lived with us.

I sound like I’m trying to justify why I set up savings accounts for my 2 girls - when actually. I’m unapologetic about it really. I can’t control what their mum has or hasn’t done for them and I don’t feel ashamed for the mum I am to my girls either. We’re both very different women with very different parenting styles.

That said, I can totally see why she’s reacted the way she has. What’s upset me is the lack of respect she shows her dad, and how’s she’s used this as mud to sling. He’s not perfect, by any stretch, but she’s really pushed him this time.

We’ve previously had the conversation about loving her as much as I love my 2 girls (when I say my, I don’t mean it to sound demeaning.... and I don’t refer to them in that way to either of my SDs, they’re all just “the girls”) - and she’s shown as much love as any of the other 3 and has regular reassurance etc.

Her reaction to finding this out (and I still don’t know how she’s found out!) is quite normal for her when it comes to money. She’s been known to google the cost of things on Christmas morning to make sure they’ve had the same amounts etc

Aren’t 17 year olds expected to know who their mummies are anymore?
I can go along with it that a 7 year old might take issue with stuff like this, not see the bigger picture, blah blah blah, but a 17 year old is just looking for an excuse to be a dick.
She is equal to her siblings. Their father has treated all his daughters equally. She doesn’t have a right to get upset about another adults finances. End of story.

The thing is, it's tough shit if the younger DC end up with more savings. Just like it would be tough shit for the younger two if the older DC's mum was loaded and bought them their first houses outright etc.

Id be insisting dh follows through. She lives with her mother now.

@caligulascatharsis

The thing is, it's tough shit if the younger DC end up with more savings. Just like it would be tough shit for the younger two if the older DC's mum was loaded and bought them their first houses outright etc.

SD1 actually replied to SD2 txt and said “take it up with your mother (SD1 doesn’t refer to her as her mother) it’s not SM fault that your mum didn’t set you up an account” SD2 didn’t respond....

@midsummabreak

SD2 is very insecure, and is fixated on the amount of money 💰 as she sees this as evidence of her step mum loving her less. She lacks the insight and life experience to be able to see it from an adult parent point of view She may accept more of what you say when she is calm, but she will likely still tightly defend her belief that she is the lesser loved stepdaughter , as evidenced by less savings from her step mum, even though her Dad has provided a car.

As OP and her DH have been together for 15 years and DSD2 is not yet 18... Meaning Dad left his former 'family home' before she was 3... I am not entirely sure what 'secure family life' she might be pining for. !

I have 4dsc whose father left just before youngest was 4 and eldest was 9.. (who could remember family life).
They all manage to behave like decent human beings.

They are also all late teens /twenties and have the common sense to realise that financially not 'everything' is fair. Each parent is responsible for any possible financial windfall they may get. That's my ex husband for mine and DH and his ex for his. Some will do better - some will do worse . That's life. Best not to rely on any of it and instead make your own by studying and working hard. In that respect they have all been helped equally.

@aSofaNearYou Im not inferring that Op make financial decisions to ‘keep the peace’ I think @Milkshake7489 explains it better

@caligulascatharsis Yes, It’s impossible to not be upset, and yes DS2 needs to understand that she is behaving unreasonably, but I have been assuming that Op and Dh have already ensured this the case, and that is a good thing.

Im assuming that through all the drama that DS2 provokes, it may be difficult to see that DS2 will mature and improve her behaviour, despite her feelings of insecurity which are not anyone’s fault, it is just how she is misinterpreted the situation

DS2 is immature and has little life experience yet to guide her actions, and no matter how much you try to reason with her, she may not necessarily see her mistakes yet.

She sounds as if she always feels ‘hard done by’ and is stuck in a ‘woe is me, I am just the step daughter’ pattern of faulty thinking and comparing herself to her step siblings

@caligulascatharsis I haven’t expressed myself well there. I just mean that SD2 carries insecurity from changing family dynamics