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Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:
Whythesadface · 08/02/2021 15:53

I bet you get child support and he pays it out.
What sort of incomes do you have.
Will you lose benefits when he moves in.
Think a out if your going to be worse off when you combine houses.
Will he expect you to pay 3/4 if bills?

Witchymclovely · 08/02/2021 15:58

What a waste of money getting a four bed. Seems obvious to me that they should share. If anyone would have a problem with it, it would be your boy so really he’s being quite generous. Maybe point this out to your DP because some resident children aren’t always so helpful. Good luck

TheChip · 08/02/2021 15:59

Wouldn't that cause issues amongst the children? Would your kids not see this as you favouring your partners child over them by making them share, but giving him his own room despite him not being there full time?

TheChip · 08/02/2021 16:02

Ignore my last post. I've just realised they would all have their own room in a 4 bed.

It definitely seems like he wants a 4 bed because he is seeing the money making that a possibility.

Bythemillpond · 08/02/2021 16:05

I'm due to receive some inheritance at some point in the near future. Not a huge amount, but enough. My plan was to put some into savings and then put the remainder in to my DC's ISA's. DP hasn't said outright, but I get the feeling he is expecting me to put all of the money in to the house deposit (for a 4 bed

You have 3 options

  1. Tell him you will match what he puts into the house for a deposit
  1. But something on your own and he is quite welcome to come and stay
  1. Run for the hills.
CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/02/2021 16:08

Stay in separate houses, OP!

His request is reeasonable enough, his response to your answer is not! His is now niggling at you, making you feel guilty... and all the while he canot afford to change the situation, he is relying on you giving up some of your life, inheritance an dthat of your kids to make life nicer for him and his!

That's not an equal relationship... and he doesn't seem to care!

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 08/02/2021 16:17

This man wants to steal from you and your children. You need to take a long hard look at his motivations. He is insisting on something he cannot provide because he is expecting you to pay for it. Do not fall into the trap of thinking everyone is as nice and good as you are. My xh stole hundreds from me, all while promising the earth and all while saying he wanted to provide for the family. I think he's a shark who's smelt blood and personally I would make my decisions based on me and my children only.

Jaxhog · 08/02/2021 16:19

Please do keep in mind that you've only been together for 3 years, you don't know what he's like to live with and you aren't married. (That also means he isn't legally your DSS)

TheChip · 08/02/2021 16:22

Thats a brilliant point. A 3 year relationship buying a joint home, under pressure.
No. You buy a home and offer him to move in with you. If he wants a 4 bed, have him buy it.

ChannelJackieWeaver · 08/02/2021 16:24

Like others I would be very wairy!
Equal amounts of deposit and share of the mortgage with a written agreement should you separate- if he is unhappy to do this it will tell you a lot.
Sounds like the boys sharing would be fine but I dont think that's the issue. By 'be a proper family' does he mean have a nice house he would not have been able to get without your inheritance....

Flapjak · 08/02/2021 16:29

3 bed with sons having larger room and making it clear that the room is both boys from the outset, not your sons only, do you think that might be more agreeable to him ?

grapewine · 08/02/2021 16:29

@nitsandwormsdodger

Will step son have same isa as you are planning for your children ?
This is in no way the OP's concern. That's up to his parents to arrange.

I'd honestly think again about this relationship, OP. Sorry.

Pippa234 · 08/02/2021 16:30

I would buy my own house for my children.
Never buy a house with someone you don't already live with.

What's he's showing you right now would be enough to put me off.

Chewbecca · 08/02/2021 16:37

In your situation I think I would prefer to buy a 3 bed by myself rather than buy with someone who can't compromise or accept a situation.

yvanka · 08/02/2021 16:40

I really think that you would regret tying yourself financially to this man before you've even tried living together. If you can afford it on your own then just buy your own house, perhaps in a year or two he can move in and pay rent.

TheresOnlyOneJackieWeaver · 08/02/2021 16:49

It does seem strange he is so fixed on this when DSS is only staying for a few nights a month.
But whatever you decide make sure you see a solicitor and have a legal agreement in place for what you each pay in, ring fence the deposits, etc.

HauntedPencil · 08/02/2021 16:52

@nitsandwormsdodger

Will step son have same isa as you are planning for your children ?
You aren't saying OP should put her inheritance into an ISA for her boyfriends child surely? That's totally unreasonable

Maybe you should rent together first? I don't know - you need to get your inheritance ring fenced if you put it down on a house so that internet he event of a split you'd be getting that back - I'd only want to buy a house as well you can afford on your own. I have children that age that share - it's not a huge issue. Maybe he is worried it would upset his son he might not want to come and stay etc.

I wouldn't jump straight into buying in any event and if you do, make sure you look after your inheritance at this early stage of the relationship.

RedMarauder · 08/02/2021 16:56

Please listen to @CherryDocsInYrBalls.

It happens more than you think it does.

I am friends' with a few older women and met some of their female friends of the same age.

Some of them have had their ex-husbands steal inheritance money from them, while others whose ex-husbands come from different countries have ran off back to those countries leaving them with debts in joint names.

I also know women my age - I'm in my 40s - who were wealthier than their ex-husbands when they got married. They've been the ones who have lost their wealth in divorce settlements.

In short if you have more money than your partner especially if you have children that aren't his be very careful.

GabsAlot · 08/02/2021 17:05

er no hes fishing for you to use your inheritance thats wy hes making noises about it

wants you to offer it up-nothing wrong with his son sharing a room a few times a month

mustbebetter · 08/02/2021 17:08

for a measly 4-6 nights a month they can share I would say.

SandyY2K · 08/02/2021 17:11

I wonder why your DP is so keen for you to be a 'proper family' is it so he can get a mortgage, helped by your input,

My thoughts too.

Arobase · 08/02/2021 17:18

@tiredandaccidentprone

We have discussed this constantly for the past few weeks. He won't budge on DSS not having his own room. We can only just afford a 3 bed. I have explained that this means we will not be able to move in together for quite a while yet he still keeps going on like I'm able to fix the problem!
Can't you turn it round on him? When he goes on about it, ask him whether he has any proposals for fixing the problem because otherwise there is no point moaning.

I would certainly resist any proposals for you putting your possible inheritance into the pot, it sounds too dangerous. In fact, it sounds as if you should re-evaluate whether you really should move in together anyway.

MotherofTerriers · 08/02/2021 17:18

If you buy a house for you and your children, they will inherit from you, or you could downsize and give them a contribution to a deposit.

If you buy jointly with him, his child also inherits and you lose the ability to make the downsizing decision
Its much better for your kids that you buy a place for the 3 of you. Doesn't stop him coming to stay, or his son

SPLUGSYMALONE · 08/02/2021 17:19

He can't be that set in having "proper family" if he only sees his DS a handful of times a month.

If family meant that much to him he'd have 50/50 custody!

Judge him by his actions, not his words.

He's looking to benefit from your inheritance. I bet he's also expecting you to do the bulk of the housework etc in this new shared home.

How exactly do YOU benefit from buying a house with him?

SandyY2K · 08/02/2021 17:50

What's the chances you can get a mortgage on your own?

What's the chances he can get a mortgage on his own? He'd need a 2 bedroom place obviously.

Perhaps you could rent a 4 bedroom place as a trial. It's much easier to separate if things don't work out...and if things are going well.... then you can look at buying a 4 bedroomed house.

I think the rental of a 4 bed, would be cheaper than your 2 separate properties at the moment.

This allows you to see how he treats your kids when you're under one roof

See how his DS is treated when he comes over.

You'll be able to see if all the DC still get on so well in one house

You can see if he pulls his weight around the house. Tidiness, cooking etc

You can see his attitude and expectations towards you

You don't get to see awful habits when you live apart and with DC to consider, it's worth being cautious.

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