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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 12/02/2021 10:00

@Sceptre86

Why can't your boys share and dss have the smallest room?

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

The answer is on the OPs first paragraph.

DinoHat · 12/02/2021 11:38

@Youseethethingis

Why can't your boys share and dss have the smallest room? Apart from the age/gender mismatch, why should OPs have to share their one and only bedroom full time for their step sibling to have two exclusive rooms in each of his homes? There’s not much fair about that either.
I agree - so OP’s kids never get their own room for the sake of another having his own room 100% of the time - assuming he also has his own room with the RP.
Sceptre86 · 12/02/2021 11:54

Oops, sorry I misread the op.

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 12/02/2021 13:30

I have a number of reservations about moving in together (money, different parenting styles, my set contact schedule compared to his ad hoc contact schedule). I would be happy to blend once the kids are much older. I had a chat with DP about this last night and he was adamant that we will not be an actual family until we all live together. In fact, he managed to make me feel a bit crap and unreasonable about the whole thing!

OP posts:
Sheepies · 12/02/2021 13:34

If you have reservations, then absolutely don't do it. Down the line you may feel ready, but no chance if you're not all in, don't let him pressure you.

Redshoeblueshoe · 12/02/2021 13:35

I met my dh when our kids were young. We decided just to date. Both sets of children had a difficult enough time and we thought it best to live separately. It worked for us. If we'd all lived together it would have lasted 5 minutes.

Knackeredmommy · 12/02/2021 13:38

So he wants a 4 bed but can barely afford a three? That's unreasonable and you shouldn't feel forced into spending more than you already are. What you're suggesting makes sense to me. TBH I'd knock it on the head for now and when you get your inheritance see how he acts.

PurpleHoodie · 12/02/2021 13:42

Tired Dont feel crap. You are so far from being unreasonable FlowersBrew

I'm afraid he's coming across more and more as grasping.

Redshoeblueshoe solution is much better for you in your situation.

PurpleHoodie · 12/02/2021 13:45

Knackered More like he can't even afford a 1 or 2 bedroom himself.

He's relying on tired to get on the property ladder.

Not really her problem to solve.

BIWI · 12/02/2021 13:45

Has he articulated what he means about being 'an actual family'?

Does he understand, at all, your reservations? (Assuming you expressed them, of course!)

YADNBU in this - it's a massive step moving in together when there are two sets of DC involved.

RandomMess · 12/02/2021 13:58

So more emotional guilt tripping.

Your reservations are valid and real.

In his mind he will just plough on and have things how he wants without consideration or your or your DC needs.

"Proper family"'what does that even mean in this day age. You have shared care of your DC so does that mean you aren't a proper family???

I would crack on and buy yourself and your DC a 2 or 3 bed and ignore his moaning.

Snowymcsnowsony · 12/02/2021 14:00

I would be worried this proper family he talks about is one where his ds becomes your responsibility... Especially when he is at work..

Whoateallthestuffingballs · 12/02/2021 14:01

@tiredandaccidentprone

I have a number of reservations about moving in together (money, different parenting styles, my set contact schedule compared to his ad hoc contact schedule). I would be happy to blend once the kids are much older. I had a chat with DP about this last night and he was adamant that we will not be an actual family until we all live together. In fact, he managed to make me feel a bit crap and unreasonable about the whole thing!
Well, of course he's going to push for moving in together when he stands to gain the most. But it's pretty awful that he's making you feel guilty about having qualms.

It may be selfish, manipulative or just thoughtless on his part. It's hard for us to judge from a post on the internet!

But whatever his motives are, your reservations are valid: do not be worn down into moving in with him against your better judgment! It's not only OK, but right to want to do the best for all the children and not blend families at this point.

If he talks again about the four-bedroomed house, ask him outright: OK, so what is your plan to pay for this? He'll probably avoid the question so just persist calmly with repeating it.

BlueThistles · 12/02/2021 14:02

I think this is entirely about Him gaining financially from Your inheritance ... and his behaviour last night now proves this ... He wants a huge house at your expense ...

Buy your own house OP... and keep him at arms length ..

imagine the hell of trying to separate your finances from him should it fall apart... he would never give you back what is rightly yours ... 🌺

iknowimcoming · 12/02/2021 14:02

Why don't you suggest you each use your savings to buy separate properties (that you could reasonably afford alone) then rent them both out and use the income to pay your rent on a combined 4 bed house? That way you'd have a suitable home to move into if things went wrong with him and vice versa. I'd bet a fiver that he'll think of a reason that won't work too, but his reaction will be interesting.

Protect your kids and your cash at all costs OP - if he loves you, he'd not only understand that but he'd encourage you to protect yourself too.

Holshicup · 12/02/2021 14:04

Op rather than buying as joint tenants, have a solicitor draw up a tenants in common agreement that protects your investment, say 60/40 in your favour or whatever the difference in percentage may be. That way if or when the house is sold your investment /your childrens inheritance is protected.
If he has a issue with this I would be concerned.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 12/02/2021 14:04

@tiredandaccidentprone

I have a number of reservations about moving in together (money, different parenting styles, my set contact schedule compared to his ad hoc contact schedule). I would be happy to blend once the kids are much older. I had a chat with DP about this last night and he was adamant that we will not be an actual family until we all live together. In fact, he managed to make me feel a bit crap and unreasonable about the whole thing!
Please have a look at what you have written & have a really big think about this. About moving in & about your relationship.

A grown man who cannot see sense would not be someone I'd be wanting to be with.

The difference in £££ between buying a 3bed & a 4bed is huge because living area downstairs is usually a lot bigger too.

DSS doesn't mind sharing & it's only a few nights a month anyway.

He can't even give you a reason other than a teenager reply of 'because it's not faiiiir'

I personally think
You'd be mad Todd your independence to a man who whinges & silks and can't
Think beyond 'it's not fasaair'

IF you go ahead then at least ring fence your bigger deposit. If you feel weird/selfish, just think about it as your kids inheritance you're giving him.

But anyway, as I said, I think you really need to think about the relationship a lot more carefully

MargosKaftan · 12/02/2021 14:10

But OP, has he said why he thinks its important you are an actual family?!

Obviously, if you are pushing him to take on a caring role for your dcs that would be different, but you don't need to be an "actual family" together. You and your dcs are a family unit, he and his ds are a family, the 2 lots dont need to be mixed into one big family unless it suits the people in that, and clearly it doesn't suit you.

Get to the bottom of that, why does he think you need to take the next step, rather than just staying as you are?

RandomMess · 12/02/2021 14:10

I honestly don't understand why you don't rent a 3 bed together to trial living as a family. That would be so sensible before buying together!

What is his argument against that?

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 12/02/2021 14:14

His reaction to you trying to explain your doubts is a huge red flag OP.
I'm sorry you are in this situation

harknesswitch · 12/02/2021 14:16

He's leaving you no option OP.

He wants you to move in together, but won't agree to his dc sharing a room, which means you need a 4 bed. But he's not able to assist in buying a 4 bed. He's wants you to use the children's money to fund the 4 bed (the inheritance you will be putting away for them).

Can you not see how unreasonable and selfish he's being?

Him making you feel shit about it is a big red flag. He should be supporting you and abiding by your wishes for YOUR inheritance, not trying to spend it on something you don't want to.

I could say I want a million pound house and a pony, but it doesn't mean I'll get it. I certainly wouldn't be that entitled to think someone should buy it for me

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 12/02/2021 14:16

He said he'd consider renting together if we couldn't currently afford a 4 bed, but if we did then it would also need to be a 4 bed.

I explained to him my reservations last night but he didn't really seem to 'get' it. For example, my DC have a set contact schedule that never really changes apart from extra in school holidays. He sees his DC very regularly, but on a completely ad hoc basis. We don't currently live together and that suits him, so no problem at all. But if we did, I'm not sure I'd be happy about never knowing when DSS was coming over until the day. I explained about the different parenting styles, but ultimately it wouldn't affect his DS as he doesn't really have many rules. I'm stricter with my DC and it would be them that would notice the difference. I could go on with more examples, but I won't.

DP just seems to think it'll all be fine if we move in together and there won't be any problems!

OP posts:
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 12/02/2021 14:17

He's always very keen to make sure DSS doesn't get left out of anything (which is correct), but I do have worries that he'll get put above my DC if we all live together. There seems to be an air of 'hard done by' with my DSS which actually is the opposite of what happens - he gets pretty much everything he wants whereas I'm a little stricter with mine (I'm a stickler for manners and routine, rightly or wrongly!)

Imagine this, day in day out.

I can see him making completely unreasonable demands, for 'fairness' te what you do/buy for your kids snd it's going to be different, because they're yours! And all the kids have their other parent too which will be a source of different treatment too. I can well imagine him kicking off if (for example) if your kids go on holiday with their Dad, that his DS need to go on holiday too, which of course, he can't afford, so expects you to pay for & your kids aren't welcome.

Seriously, just look through some of the previous threads where this shit actually happens.

He doesn't have the right attitude to make living together a good idea.

aSofaNearYou · 12/02/2021 14:20

If he's so unconcerned OP, has he offered suggestions of how he plans on compromising in ways that will prevent those things being a problem for you and your kids? Because it's all very well him saying it will be fine when you are the one with concerns. He needs to address them.

RandomMess · 12/02/2021 14:21

It's just ridiculous.

Carry on saving and when you are ready to buy he won't have enough savings to match yours to afford a 4 bed so just go ahead and buy a 2 or 3 bed without him.

Living together has disaster written all over it.

He is saying "me and DS will be alright and that is all that matters"

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