DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

[tiredandaccidentprone]

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

@OP before you think about moving in together you need to make sure you agree to parent in the same way, nothing causes more conflict than children being held to different standards. You should make sure that both adults and children understand the household rules and behaviours that are expected and acceptable, regardless of if they are there all the time or just some of the time. If this causes clashes I would definitely rethink this relationship.

OP is dealing with a Disney Dad.

It's perfectly ok to keep him as a separate sexual boyfriend fix - living apart.

Financially she is best keeping her money/property for her children.

A 1/2/3 bedroom property for her children.

Her boyfriends' son has two other parents to provide for him.

Her boyfriend has stated what he is about.

X-Post with Coffee

Disney Dad parents are VERY different from other types of step dads.

He is making a substantial financial investment and if he were making a solo purchase, he would still likely want to purchase a home that provided a bedroom for his son regardless of the amount of time that he spent in the home. The amount of time spent by the son does not modify or negate the fact that the OP is bringing 60% of the occupants vs the partners 40%. It also means a down sizing for the partner's son in both space and privacy.

I agree...and if the genders were reversed (him with more kids/resident) people would tell that she was putting a lot of money into a house that was benefitting him/his DC way more.

Although her DS would share in a 3 bed and he has his own room now...he's really only going to be sharing with another person for 4 days a month with the purchase of a 3 bed house....so it's inevitable that the room will really be his and DSS seems more like a guest with a permanent bed in the same room.

The purchase of the 3 bedroom provides no upgrades for anyone but the OP. She gets to move from her living room into a bedroom. The partner has a bedroom already and his son actually loses space.

Very true.

Living apart and purchasing individual properties seems by far to be the better solution for both parties.

Indeed, if a 4 bedroom isn't possible then separate purchases are better and less complicated.

It does seem to me that the DP is craving a family unit under one roof. Does DSS mum have a partner she lives with? I was just wondering if that's why your DP wants the same.

There's also the view people have that your relationship isn't they serious unless you live together...but that's no reason to live together when it could end up being a disaster.

Even if you could both easily afford a 4 bedroom house, the difference in parenting styles would present issues.

A pp mentioned that the OP should make sure/agree the same parenting style... she can't make him change, just like her can't make her change. That sounds rather controlling.

@tiredoftattler had completely hit the nail on the head.

PPs are calling the DP a cocklodger/Disney dad etc when he just wants to keep a bedroom for just for his DS. He clearly doesn't want his DS sharing a room with the OPs DS and wants him to have his privacy. Let's give the guy some credit for wanting the best for his DS!

My DCs will never share a bedroom with my DPs children and they are similar in age. The reason for this is to safeguard my DCs over false allegations due to a complicated and toxic family dynamic. You only have to read threads on here to see that unfortunately this is more common than you'd think.

Another reason is I'd want separate bedrooms is to keep the option of increasing nights of contact in the future, including school holidays and I wouldn't want my DCs effectively having a sleepover (which is what it is).

OP, what has given you the reason to think your DP wants you to use your inheritance? Has he asked you to do so? If he has then it would be the end of the relationship for me...although if I'm honest you find seem that enthusiastic in the first place.

There is another option to the op - can you use your inheritance and savings to buy a "buy to let" property (of however many bedrooms that money will get you), that will cover the mortgage and a little extra, then you and your dp rent a 4 bed house together?

You are still then blending your families, keep your inheritance invested, getting on the housing ladder for later life (the place you buy could be mortgage free by the time you retire), able to afford a house that suits your current blended family needs. And gives easy escape options if it turns out to be a bad idea living together?

Round here renting a 4 bed is considerably cheaper than renting 2 x 2 beds. So you could both save even more or have a better lifestyle.

Given your eldest dc is a teen already, you don't need a big house long term, only for the next 5 years or so. This seems like a good compromise.

I agree with your partner in respect to them having their own space.

Wait until you can equally afford one, or stay living apart.

Yes DP has on more than one occasion suggested that I put my inheritance towards buying a 4 bed.

OP, you know deep down this whole thing isn't right. Follow your instincts.

@tiredandaccidentprone

Yes DP has on more than one occasion suggested that I put my inheritance towards buying a 4 bed.

Stick to your guns and your original decision @tiredandaccidentprone. Your DP doesn't get to make financial decisions on your current funds or inheritance just to suit himself or his son. This issue is, I believe, just the beginning of what he thinks you should do with your money if you did give in and rerouted your financial planning to his wants rather your/your children's needs. The posters who have said for you to buy your own 3-bed property so that you have your own bedroom and your children each have their own personal space have it right I think. I would certainly not be blending family or finances in this situation, even with a Deed/Declaration of Trust in play. I wouldn't even blend the families even in a rental property. You do what works for you and your children and let him, separately, do what works for him and his son. Stay strong- you are absolutely in the right here. 🌹

This was said on 8th Feb.

I'm due to receive some inheritance at some point in the near future. Not a huge amount, but enough. My plan was to put some into savings and then put the remainder in to my DC's ISA's. DP hasn't said outright, but I get the feeling he is expecting me to put all of the money in to the house deposit (for a 4 bed).

You're clear here that he hasn't said it outright.

Then this was said 2 days later

Yes DP has on more than one occasion suggested that I put my inheritance towards buying a 4 bed.

Which one of these statements is correct?

You initially said he hasn't outright said, but now, you say he has suggested it on more than one occasion.

Given your eldest dc is a teen already, you don't need a big house long term, only for the next 5 years or so. This seems like a good compromise.

The number of 18 year olds that leave home and are able to support themselves is very low.

Many are still in FT education at this age.

Not all go to university, but what time have they had to earn and support themselves.

Even if an 18 got a job, that doesn't mean they will leave home...and an 18 year old will not have any great work experience to earn a decent salary.

Not specifically to the pp quoted, but it's only on MN I see people infer that once your child is 18, they're on their own and not your responsibility or that you don't have to worry about financially supporting them and you don't need a bedroom for them.

@SandyY2K He's not said 'you should use your inheritance' or 'I want to use your inheritance' outright but he's very strongly hinted about using it, on more than one occasion.

Is it semantics then OP?

In practice there's no real difference between "let's use your inheritance" to "why don't we use your inheritance" or "couldn't be using your inheritance be a good idea for our house conundrum?"

SandyY2K He's not said 'you should use your inheritance' or 'I want to use your inheritance' outright but he's very strongly hinted about using it, on more than one occasion.

Thanks for clarifying, which is more in line with your earlier post.

I think there's no right or wrong here.
A 4 bedroom doesn't work for you.
A 4 bedroom doesn't work for him.

Both of you could argue your case and sound plausible. A few on here (myself included) can see his POV and many can see yours. Initially, I could see your POV more.

Money asides, with the differences in parenting styles that you raised, so you think it's wise to all live together?

You might think 4 or 6 nights is not that much, but his DS could stay more in school holidays and also later decide he wants to live with dad as the RP. Or that he wants to stay over more, as he gets on with your DS and Dad's house is a more fun place to be.

Very wise words from Margos
Happy and Random.

You are dealing with a particular type of partner.

Other scenarios do not fit well for a good outcome.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping yourself housed separately from your boyfriend. Whether you rent, or buy.

Ask him how long it will take him to raise his HALF of the deposit for a 4 bed so if it will be a few years you can decide if you'll use your deposit and inheritance for a 3 bed for you and your dc while you are waiting.

Offer he can move into your home and pay rent if he wants.

Do not buy together until he recognises the difference in deposits and is pulling his weight.

Ask him how long it will take him to raise his HALF of the deposit for a 4 bed so if it will be a few years you can decide if you'll use your deposit and inheritance for a 3 bed for you and your dc while you are waiting.

Offer he can move into your home and pay rent if he wants.

Do not buy together until he recognises the difference in deposits and is pulling his weight.

This ^^

[quote tiredandaccidentprone]@SandyY2K He's not said 'you should use your inheritance' or 'I want to use your inheritance' outright but he's very strongly hinted about using it, on more than one occasion. [/quote]
If he has hinted as strongly as you say, why have you not strongly rejected his suggestion?

I think @SandyY2K raises a valid point. What would happen in dss wanted to increase the time spent living at your house? Especially when they are teens.

I'd suggest you stay living separately.

I do think you should make the renting a 4 bed together suggestion- and use your savings /inheritance for a rental.

While your dd might not leave home at 18, you really would be foolish to make a big financial decision on the assumption she's going to be one of those who stay at home for a decade as an adult.

Given you are both renting now - there really isn't a good reason to wait until you can buy to blend.

Make the renting a 4 bed together and having separate investments (either in property or other) suggestion.

If its a "no" that tells you more about his priorities.

Typo

I think there's no right or wrong here.
A 4 bedroom doesn't work for you.
A 3 bedroom doesn't work for him

Why can't your boys share and dss have the smallest room? If he was sharing, it might not feel like his home or bedroom to him as your child would use it more. I really don't see dss sharing with your youngest as being a big deal but clearly your oh does, why is that?

As for using your inheritance, absolutely not. Ring-fence it for yourself and your boys. Tbh I don't think I would move in at all if he has an eye on your money.

@Sceptre86 Because OPs other child is a girl.

Why can't your boys share and dss have the smallest room?
Apart from the age/gender mismatch, why should OPs have to share their one and only bedroom full time for their step sibling to have two exclusive rooms in each of his homes?
There’s not much fair about that either.