His ex wants me to pay maintenance

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

No OP you're not responsible for paying child maintenance. £215 for a court order is half of the maintenance she's demanding you now pay. Is your partner going through the CMS? If not I would get him to as this would be calculated as a percentage of his wage not just a figure, which would mean if he did get a job that wasn't as high paid as the one he's just lost it would be adjusted accordingly. His payments to his ex would be lowered now anyway because you have a child together.

Don't pay. Not only you don't have to, it is also going to set a dangerous precedent.

@WunWun

I don't get the comments saying the OP should split up with him or won't be together with him in five years - really weird! What's the basis for that?

Because people cba to read the op properly. Or engage their brains. Or both.

@Towelrailfail

Why don't you offer to have his DC live with your permanently? Call her bluff.

What the heck?

No you shouldn't pay. Ridiculous.

Also ridiculous though that you're paying for your maternity leave out of your own savings. Cushy little situation he's had going. Someone to do all the work and cover half the bills. Nothing changed for him when the baby came along did it.

Why have a baby with a man if you are not sharing money ..

Erm... we are? Sharing household costs that is. Food bills. Water. Electricity. Car costs. Holidays. Bedrooms for all the DC of whatever parentage.

Joint bank account though? Nah. My DP has two pre teen DC who are into trainers, consoles, sports lessons. They have two parents and 4 grandparents already. Same as my child has.

I don't see anyone but me and DP "pooling" money for my DD when she's older.

Some weird comments on here. My 2 cents:

1. Absolutely don't pay a penny in maintenance but offer to help pay his court fees if she stops contact. Offer 50/50+ contact (in writing) at least while he's off work - this would negate the need for child support anyway.
2. He needs to get a job ASAP (I'm sure he knows that!) and not rely on your wages being enough to support your family - he does owe child support as a NRP and he needs to pay towards your household too so that you can stay off with your baby as long as possible if thats what you want.
3. She may well stop contact over money but the courts will take a VERY dim view, especially if hes offered to have his son 50/50 and shes refused. He will get court ordered access and then she wont be able to try that trick ever again. We had to go down that route in the end (not over money) and its made our lives SO much easier that DSDs mum no longer has that threat to hang over us. So court, while it is expensive and stressful, might end up being a good thing.

Not sure why the do has been villianfied hes told his ex no and she was out of order. Op she's a CF if she stops contact then you can make an application to court and represent yourself, keep any texts where she threatens to withhold contact.

£450 a month is a very decent amount for 1 child. I get £140 for ds but maintenance isn't guanteed ex has lost his job and has been unable to pay but then did give me 100 quid which I didn't expect or ask for not sure where it came from it might of been his dw but not sure. Things happened in life dh has lost his job before. Especially given the current climate you never know when you might need that money.

Trouble with court orders for access is if she is entitled to free court costs once an agreement has been made for access she may well breach the arrangements, stop access & you'll have to pay to take her to court again.

In your boots, I would expect your OH to claim JSA, which he can do if he worked FT for two previous years and for him to give that to his ex towards his son, and I would then support my OH whilst making sure he took serious steps to look for any other job and therefore make the situation only temporary.

This thread has made for some really bizarre reading.

I take it that in the event OP lost all her money, the ex should pay towards her child's half sibling too. Oh no, wait, that isn't how MN works. Only step mums are expected to provide comfy lifestyles for exes, whilst they themselves suffer financially.

And as for all the 'LTB' type responses - I hope you all follow your own advice and leave your partners each time there is a smidgen of difficulty in the relationship. Otherwise, what ridiculous, unhelpful comments.

OP, pay nothing. You are also missing out financially. Do not jeopardize your own maternity leave for a woman who is being totally unreasonable towards you.

dontdisturbmenow

Actually, the JSA if he claims it should be split between both of his children. Otherwise one will be getting nothing from their father. It might be a small amount but it’s the principle of it.

Right so little update and a few thank yous...
He was made redundant from his well paid job in travel and took a lower paid job but I didn't realise how much lower. He was still paying the same amount to his ex and into our pot as before and running at a deficit. His reasoning, he didn't want me to think he was letting us down and felt pathetic because he felt like he couldn't provide. I don't know whether to hug him or slap the silly right out of him. Amazing to think that men have feelings like that?!

I'm not paying anything on threat of having the silly slapped out of me. And I'm not going back to work early. Unless I really have to as its my practice.

My baby exists because surprisingly I wanted my baby and had my dp not wanted to be father to my child I would have gone ahead with a pregnancy through a fertility clinic. I can afford my baby because I always knew I wanted a baby and the kind of life I wanted to lead and worked hard to provide that for myself and my future baby a long time before dp came along. He has quickly become my greatest joy, so much so that I'm going to try to have another before I really do dry out and shrivel up. Again, dp has a choice in this. He can say no but there will be another attempt with or without him.

To the lady who suggested men shouldn't have children if they can't afford them... The year is 2021 and our wombs belong to us... We're even allowed to drive now.

Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences, opinions and support this morning, it's been greatly appreciated and has given me a very scary insite into the world in which my dp has done an amazing job of keeping me sheltered from and thank you to the lady who gave the information about benefits, he is currently online now looking into it.

Oh and a massive thank you to the lady who referred to me as "a young mum" You made my day

We're feeling in a much better mood after talking it out and his load is much lighter now so you never know... We might just make it to 5 years

Absolutely do not pay this.

His ex is being vile - if she had been reasonable then maybe you might have considered but she's being nasty. She also has no right to withhold contact because your DP is unemployed.

I wouldn't pay. It isn't your responsibility to pay for her child for her.

Good to hear OP, congrats on your bundle and fingers crossed your DP can find a suitable job soon :)

Absolutely do not entertain the thought that you should be paying this OP. It is completely inappropriate.

OP, if affordable, in your position, I'd give the ex some money. Not because she demands it and not because you are obliged to (you are not, legally or otherwise.) I'd give because it is your DP's responsibility to his child (and you are a family unit) and it is for the child.
@DamnUserName21 this is dreadful advice.
Firstly - the dm is essentially blackmailing her dc's father over money & giving her any money at this point is giving in to that blackmail.
Secondly - while the money is supposed to be for the dc no one can say for sure if she actually spends it on the dc.
Thirdly - the op is already fully financing her household & child due to her partners redundancy so why should she do any more.
Fourthly - if she gives the money to the dm now it sets a dreadful precedent for the future which many other posters have already pointed out.
This is a matter for the courts.

If you don't pay her some money how will house children with her eat?
I understand that they are not your responsibility, they are his and hers, but he is your DP, in your life, his kids are part of him...they need feeding and clothing.

@Athrawes

If you don't pay her some money how will house children with her eat? I understand that they are not your responsibility, they are his and hers, but he is your DP, in your life, his kids are part of him...they need feeding and clothing.

Maybe their other parent - ie their own mother!! - could support them for a while??

Rather than expecting their stepmum to do it.

Definitely don't pay. I'm not a step mum but do get if I'm lucky money for DS1 from his Dad. When he was married I wouldn't have dreamt of expecting his then wife to pay for DS's maintenance- although to be fair, financially I've not been in a desperate enough position to have needed that, I can only imagine how stressful it would be to be the only one able to provide for a child.

I'd probably offer to help with paying for some legal advice though I think

If you don't pay her some money how will house children with her eat?
I understand that they are not your responsibility, they are his and hers, but he is your DP, in your life, his kids are part of him...they need feeding and clothing
Question : How will OPs child be fed and clothed without money from their father?
Answer : The child’s mother will support them fully during this time.
Why do people asssume the ex is some poor little flower who cannot be expected to provide for her own child?

She will work to pay for it same as evryone else does. Or the kids can come and stay with op if op is okay with that.
It isn't for op to solve or worry about.

There is zero chance of me paying if l was you and legally she doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Has she not got any self respect?! This makes me cringe on her behalf

Bibidy, I should hope the mum is already supporting them. It must be frightening as a parent on their own to be told they are going to be down that level of money with immediate effect. I don't think she has gone about it the right way, and I don't think she has the right to claim money from OP but I'm not sure it's as simple as just telling the mum to take more responsibility

If you don't pay her some money how will house children with her eat?

Oh no how will the child eat if the stepmum doesn’t provide money?!

Here’s a perfect solution. The mum pays for her child to eat.

Honestly. The hyperbole is ridiculous.