His ex wants me to pay maintenance

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

Oh and don’t change your maternity leave plans. If that’s what you gave budgeted and worked for. Fingers crossed your partner gets a new job soon

@Athrawes Unbelievable that you would look at a situation with children that need feeding, and two women each without the income of a partner, and decide that it's the woman who isn't the children's mother who should pay for them.

@needadvice54321

Bibidy, I should hope the mum is already supporting them. It must be frightening as a parent on their own to be told they are going to be down that level of money with immediate effect. I don't think she has gone about it the right way, and I don't think she has the right to claim money from OP but I'm not sure it's as simple as just telling the mum to take more responsibility

But the exact same thing has happened to OP?

She also has a child to support, with a father who can't currently contribute. Therefore, she now needs to temporarily support her household on her own, in the same way that her DP's ex needs to.

I'm not saying it's not stressful for the ex or that she doesn't support her child currently as I'm sure she does, but just that it's not OP's mess to clear up.

If the ex and OP's DP were still together she would need to pick up the slack while he's out of work and that's the same as it is now. I'm sure OP's DP will get another job soon, but in the meantime it's the mother's job to support her household.

As numerous PP have said: don't pay anything and your DP should get a court order for access.
If the child's parents were still together and he lost his job she would have to live with the loss of income, so as long as your DP is doing all he can to find a new job your conscience is clear.

‘To the lady who suggested men shouldn't have children if they can't afford them... The year is 2021 and our wombs belong to us... We're even allowed to drive now.’

You are my new favourite poster @Justriseaboveitkiddo

The mum needs to jog on. You are not responsible for this. She can threaten to use the child as a weapon all she likes but you go to court.

Do not pay a penny OP, does she understand he’s also the father of your child too.. so you are now paying for your baby and all your bills by yourself so why should you pay £450 for hers?? It’s not your fault you earn more than her that’s really bizarre, although I understand it’s shock to her she’s losing that much money but she’s going the wrong way about it. I would encourage him to find work, any work ASAP. If his maintenance is £450 his wages must have been a good amount as it’s 12% of their wages I believe so it is abit annoying that he has no savings left to even pay an extra month maintenance or help you with bills for an extra month. Stay firm, it is not your problem. Her using the kid as a pawn is a cheap shot but I’m sure the reality of looking after her child every day on her own with no financial support will hit soon and she will allow him access. He needs to take a calm approach to her maybe send her some UC links or if she already receives it she could write in her journal that she is due to be £450 less off (as over £300 they deduct your claim I believe) so she may get a little more from then for now. Obviously she is being a knob but it is also a huge shock to her and quite a lot of money especially if she is a single parent so I would ignore the lashing out for now. Good luck and do not give a penny! Xx

I am sure most resident parents bear a much higher financial burden than the NRP even with child maintenance factored in.

How many threads on MN do you see where step kids have a temporary space to sleep when they stay at their NRP's house, whereas I assume the RP is expected to provide a proper bedroom for them.

Yes the mum hasn't gone the right way about it and legally you don't have to pay,, but I wouldn't like to see a sibling of my own child go without if you could afford to pay something, even if it wasn't the full amount.

How often does the father have contact? Is he helping out with the burden of homeschooling whilst he isn't working?

This is why I buy all the lottery tickets at my house! If I've read this right, your partners ex partner wants you to pay maintenance for his child ( your step child) because he has been made redundant and can't pay?!!! Cheeky cow.

Your earnings, your lotto wins, inheritance, savings do not factor in to the financial responsibility for his child.

As for if you don't pay you won't get to see him emotional blackmail crap, tell her that's do selfish and not in the best interests of the child see you in court. Or simply bypass that stage and get a solicitor to do it on your behalf.

When he finds a job he needs to be supporting financially his child if he doesn't have them 50% of the time.

Last year my partner was made redundant and the maintenance his ex received reflected that. Though my wage was still fully there it now had to stretch to cover all his bills etc. It wasn't an easy time. It wasn't an easy time for his ex but actually she was understanding and considerate. The moment he had a new job which was more money he upped his maintenance.

It's not your responsibility you have no obligation to pay and your shouldn't.

The same has happened to the OP bibidy, but we've had her side of the story - her own income, her savings etc. We haven't had the child's mums side of it . I just hate reading comments like Mum will have to start supporting etc. I've been a single mum with little support from my child's dad and it's a horrible place to be. I certainly wouldn't take kindly to being told that I needed to support him, and that it's all my responsibility. I already took far more responsibility than my Ex as DS lives with me.

Having said that, as I said upthread I don't think it's the responsibility of OP to stump up the money either, nor should the child's mum have announced it was OP's job! I just hope that OP's dp sorts this out and gets a job ASAP

but I wouldn't like to see a sibling of my own child go without if you could afford to pay something, even if it wasn't the full amount.

But both mums are supporting their own child on their own. There is nothing unfair about this situation as both mums are in the same boat. One just happens to have more money and is in a relationship with the father. Neither of those factors mean she must pay money to the ex.

If the ex was the one with more money would you be saying she should make sure her child’s half sibling doesn’t go without? No you wouldn’t! The arguments like yours which you are putting across are always so one sided. “Child will go without” etc... what about the other one?!

Op, there's a certain type of poster here who posts irrationally on all step mother posts with a weird sort of logic. And makes up "facts". Just ignore them. They think the first wife has a golden uterus and first families matter more than any further children.

His child is not your responsibility. Please do not get sucked in to paying her one penny or she will be after more and more. He can pay what he can from jobseekers and she will have to adjust her expenditure or gwt a better job.

Your DP isn't idle or feckless as some loons here try to imply - not his fault he was sacked.

Ignore the deeply dim and enjoy your family.

And remember - not your responsibility, no need for you to make any sacrifices.

i didnt even get to the end of your thread (sorry) - do not under any circumstances pay her maintenance, it is not your responsibility.

@BeaTea

If he cant afford one childx why have another. He has 2 kids to pay for now and he's jobless. What's wrong with these men? Does he not care about the existing one? I think he only cares about spreading his seed. I would really hate to be in your position OP and hope that the relationship stays strong, or you just become like the ex.

Well, it sounds like he could afford one child until he lost his job. And he wasn’t having the second child alone, the decision on whether or not they, as a couple, could afford to have a baby would presumably have taken into account OP’s earnings.

I think the mum is probably scared and lashing out. It's a lot of money to lose without any notice.
That's not to say it's your responsibility because it isn't. Probably what I would do if I could have a reasonable conversation is pay her something until her benefits claim kicks in because they can take a few weeks and she might he really stuck until then.

*I am sure most resident parents bear a much higher financial burden than the NRP even with child maintenance factored in.

How many threads on MN do you see where step kids have a temporary space to sleep when they stay at their NRP's house, whereas I assume the RP is expected to provide a proper bedroom for them.

Yes the mum hasn't gone the right way about it and legally you don't have to pay,, but I wouldn't like to see a sibling of my own child go without if you could afford to pay something, even if it wasn't the full amount.*

The first part has no bearing on whether OP should be obliged to pay, and "hasn't gone the right way about it" is a massive understatement. She has been massively out of line and would have burnt any bridges with me, and lost sympathy for the difficult position she's in.

OP will now be paying 100% for her household and child, and has listed the ways paying for the ex's child on top of that would effect her, including having to go back to work early. Nobody would see the child starve but that being unlikely, I would not consider any arrangement that would add to my financial burden, just to avoid adding to the child's mother's.

If he cant afford one childx why have another. He has 2 kids to pay for now and he's jobless. What's wrong with these men? Does he not care about the existing one? I think he only cares about spreading his seed.

What a ridiculous comment. He obviously could afford to pay £450 a month previously, his financial situation was fine. Redundancy can happen to anybody whether they have children and are with the other parent or not. The only difference is that if you are still with the child's parent, you would have a supportive partner who adjusts to make up the difference (like OP) rather than an irrational ex who no longer likes you describing the situation in terms like "does he not care about his existing child", as though he got made redundant deliberately just the spite them.

Please just ignore the ridiculousness that is @pringlemonster

if this hasn't been reversed down thread
What would have happened if op's dp was still single - he couldn't have paid, right? To all intents & purposes his maintenance is worked out the same way.
I imagine this is happening a lot at the moment, some may be because of reductions in income (furlough, or no commission, or self employment severely curtailed) so a lot of families are having to rethink all of their finance whether to the current family or to their dc from their ex.

@needadvice54321

The same has happened to the OP bibidy, but we've had her side of the story - her own income, her savings etc. We haven't had the child's mums side of it . I just hate reading comments like Mum will have to start supporting etc. I've been a single mum with little support from my child's dad and it's a horrible place to be. I certainly wouldn't take kindly to being told that I needed to support him, and that it's all my responsibility. I already took far more responsibility than my Ex as DS lives with me.

Having said that, as I said upthread I don't think it's the responsibility of OP to stump up the money either, nor should the child's mum have announced it was OP's job! I just hope that OP's dp sorts this out and gets a job ASAP

I do get that and I certainly didn't mean to imply that their mum doesn't support her child at all.

But similar to you, my own position (as a stepmum) means I hate reading comments like 'How will the child eat or be clothed if the stepmum doesn't pay?', as if the only person responsibly for financing the kids is the dad and the mum is totally helpless.

If my partner lost his job I'd have enough to worry about supporting our household without being expected to give his ex money as well. Obviously I don't know the mum's situation in OP's scenario, but in mine she is already able to work part-time because of the money my DP gives her, I'm not able to do that and will never be able to.

So if my DP lost his job I absolutely wouldn't pay his maintenance for him so that his ex can continue living as if nothing had changed while we are the only ones impacted.

Her attitude should rule you out helping straight away. The first lockdown my partner lost a lot of income and for 2 months could make full payments I added 200 each months to make sure the payments were met as we hadn't had the kids for 3 months due to Covid and I understood that having 3 teens at home constantly is really expensive food wise and they were coming to ours for that break either.

To be fair when the C found out the money was mostly from me she offered to return it but I sis no it's fine and it was only those 2/3 months I had to help out then luckily he got back on his feet work wise.

I have now been made redundant last week so I am wondering if there will be the same courtesy of a offer of reduced payments if we find our selves struggling on a few months.

However if I had been categorically told I was to pay the full amount it would of been a hell no.

Sorry I forgot to add
Op's partner was made redundant got another job but was made redundant from that - its very difficult at the moment & I don't think this shows him as a "looser" dad because he hasn't got a job.

Yes the mum hasn't gone the right way about it and legally you don't have to pay,, but I wouldn't like to see a sibling of my own child go without if you could afford to pay something, even if it wasn't the full amount.

Hopefully the ex feels the same way about OP's child as well then. Very much doubt she'd contribute towards them as her child's sibling, under any circumstances.

Let your DP and his ex deal with the finances, but maybe offer to have the child over more often so her childcare bill is reduced while she works and so you can cut her grocery bill a bit. She's nuts if she thinks withholding access is going to be helpful financially. The threat however gives a good idea of the cut of her jib, so I'd be spending money on court ordered access

Hopefully the ex feels the same way about OP's child as well then. Very much doubt she'd contribute towards them as her child's sibling, under any circumstances.

Exactly. All this “that is your child’s sibling, how can you see them go without?” is a bit of a strawman argument.
Why? Because the other way around the ex wouldn’t even entertain the idea of helping her child’s sibling.

Imagine a thread like this...
My dp has been made redundant and his ex is a high earner. I really feel like his ex should support my child financially because surely she should have a heart and not want to see her child’s sibling go without?....

It just wouldn’t fly would it?

Your partner needs to pay for his children, it’s not optional. if he needs to dip into savings or stop his phone contract or whatever he needs to do that. Get any work he can.He may have to lower the amount he pays and then make up for it afterwards. He is in a much better financial position than if he was single as he is a part of a household with an income. Both parents are equally responsible. If the mum had lost her income would your partner have doubled his maintenance payments? I think in the vast majority of cases the answer would be no