His ex wants me to pay maintenance

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

@BungleandGeorge

Your partner needs to pay for his children, it’s not optional. if he needs to dip into savings or stop his phone contract or whatever he needs to do that. Get any work he can.He may have to lower the amount he pays and then make up for it afterwards. He is in a much better financial position than if he was single as he is a part of a household with an income. Both parents are equally responsible. If the mum had lost her income would your partner have doubled his maintenance payments? I think in the vast majority of cases the answer would be no

I don't think he think it's optional? But you can't pay what you don't have. He has no savings, didn't get a redundancy pay-out and isn't earning.

Obviously he will pay as soon as he has any money to pay from.

Get any work he can.He may have to lower the amount he pays and then make up for it afterwards

Why would he need to 'make up for it afterwards'? What he has been paying has been based on what he's earning, and therefore the payment will always fluctuate based on what he's earning. It's not like he owes his ex X amount of money every month.

@BungleandGeorge

Your partner needs to pay for his children, it’s not optional. if he needs to dip into savings or stop his phone contract or whatever he needs to do that. Get any work he can.He may have to lower the amount he pays and then make up for it afterwards. He is in a much better financial position than if he was single as he is a part of a household with an income. Both parents are equally responsible. If the mum had lost her income would your partner have doubled his maintenance payments? I think in the vast majority of cases the answer would be no

how ridiculous.

Youre saying he should cut back everything to pay for one child, but not the other because op can pay for that one?

He hasnt got the money, cancelling his phone contract is a) probablly pointless as its not free to do that and b) wont make a dent.

you cannot rely on maintenance, for this reason, i would never ever see it as more than "bonus money" for this reason.

If your DH wasn’t living with you, would he get benefits and be expected to pay maintenance from those? Sorry, not in the U.K. so don’t know how the system works. If that’s the case, then I can kind of understand why the ex thinks it’s unfair that she receives no maintenance due to the child’s father’s household composition and income, yet that income can’t be used for maintenance.

I can't believe these responses!!!!! It's not your obligation at all. And to say you can't see the child without doing this is emotional blackmail!!!

This is his responsibility not yours and if he is out of work there is not a right lot he can do!

In general I agree with the consensus, it is between him and his ExW to support their child.

However, I think this is complicated because he is unable to claim any benefits as a direct result of living with you and your salary. Can you figure out how much he might be entitled to if you were a lower earner and see how much being with you is costing him in this regard?

I would also try and have SDC to stay more often, if DH isn't working, to balance it out for her.

@Anoisagusaris

If your DH wasn’t living with you, would he get benefits and be expected to pay maintenance from those? Sorry, not in the U.K. so don’t know how the system works. If that’s the case, then I can kind of understand why the ex thinks it’s unfair that she receives no maintenance due to the child’s father’s household composition and income, yet that income can’t be used for maintenance.

Yeah he would but maintenance is set at £7 in those circumstance which is a far cry from the 450 the ex is demanding.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that if you are financially comfortable then you should work out a figure you're willing to pay for the next say, six months, or until he finds a job.

Why should your step son be kept in poverty while his sibling and father are in comfort? How would you like your baby to be treated if he or she has a step family one day?

Also if you can afford it, and it will keep the fragile peace for his child- continued access to his father, than why wouldn't you do it?

You could make an agreement that your DP pay you back when he is working again.

I get that your finances are separate but when there are children, babies, blended families, people living together it's never really so simple. If you can afford to throw money at the problem then do it.

Your DP should prioritise finding a job ASAP. I'd be furious if I found him faffing about on his Xbox while failing to provide for his child .

Some people’s thinking about nrps are so bizarre. Why would he need to make anything up? Maintenance is based on earnings not 6 months ago or 6 months in the future. So if he’s earning less right now, then his children get less. There is nothing to make up.

Parents in together families and resident parents don’t present their children with a lump sum of money when their earnings go up after they’ve been down for a while. So it’s weird to think an nrp would.

Why should your step son be kept in poverty while his sibling and father are in comfort?

Fantastic. The op knows who to ask in future when if needs the favour returning. Her dp’s ex can help. What a wonderful little support network they will have for each other!
Oh wait....

How would you like your baby to be treated if he or she has a step family one day?
Maybe the op is reasonable and wouldn’t emotionally manipulate another woman to do her job for her.

Why should your step son be kept in poverty while his sibling and father are in comfort?
Who said the child would be in poverty?
And the “why” of it all is that OP has arranged her finances to afford her maternity leave with her own child. It’s not because she’s taken all the fathers money and is keeping it from his eldest child

@DamnUserName21

Different POV here. OP, if affordable, in your position, I'd give the ex some money. Not because she demands it and not because you are obliged to (you are not, legally or otherwise.) I'd give because it is your DP's responsibility to his child (and you are a family unit) and it is for the child. I wouldn't, however, give the full amount and I'd make it clear to both DP and ex that this was ONLY until DP is back in work.

I agree with this. She must be terrified and it is his son. I am not even sure I would let her k ow I was paying, but I would lend your partner the money for him to at least make reduced payments. It is his child.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that if you are financially comfortable then you should work out a figure you're willing to pay for the next say, six months, or until he finds a job

Ok, zero. Perfect 👌

if he needs to dip into savings or stop his phone contract

1. He ran through whatever buffer he had after his first redundancy when his kept his maintainable payments high even when he had to take a lower paying job after his first redundancy.
2. Some laugh he’d have trying to look for a job without a phone.

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that if you are financially comfortable then you should work out a figure you're willing to pay for the next say, six months, or until he finds a job.

Why should your step son be kept in poverty while his sibling and father are in comfort? How would you like your baby to be treated if he or she has a step family one day?

Also if you can afford it, and it will keep the fragile peace for his child- continued access to his father, than why wouldn't you do it?

You could make an agreement that your DP pay you back when he is working again.

I get that your finances are separate but when there are children, babies, blended families, people living together it's never really so simple. If you can afford to throw money at the problem then do it.

Your DP should prioritise finding a job ASAP. I'd be furious if I found him faffing about on his Xbox while failing to provide for his child .

Hang on, poverty?

So child a has a mum and dad, only mum is paying for them.

Child b also had a mum and dad, only mum is paying for them.

Child a is apparently in poverty and child b is living in comfort.

Both are unsupported by their fathers and so their financial situation is purely down to each mother. Why is it up to child bs mum to sub child a? She's in the same boat for crying out loud.

Who said the child would be in poverty?

Talk about over exaggeration. In this day and age no child ends up in poverty. There will be help out there if the ex needs it. And if she’s earning too much herself to be eligible for benefits, then her child really is NOT in poverty at all. And as a current benefit claimant myself, it’s not a paltry amount when you claim for children. So he’s not going to be in poverty. His ex will have to cut her cloth like we all have to at times.

@blisstwins you're right HIS son NOT ops son therefore not ops responsibility to pay for, she is paying for her child

More than one in four UK children were in poverty last time I read the stats @funinthesun19 Look up child poverty action group UK.

I'm not sure that OP has said that's a consideration here though.

been here got the T-shirt Op - only in our case the ex just wanted more "because" I'm on a 6 figure salary and she thinks the world owes her a new handbag.

the way to gear yourself up for the long term is to always dial back the "what if's" whenever she rears her head and deal with her in a very business like manner.

Firstly your husband needs to assure her in writing (email or text will do) of the following:-

• That he's doing all he can to find work ASAP
• That this will be a short term problem that will be remedied as soon as he finds full time work, at which point the CSA will be informed so that they can recalculate maintenance.
• In the meantime he will be advising the CSA of his current circumstances so that they can put maintenance payments on hold.

• In the meantime you would like to add to the current nights that you have the child to stay over to support the child. 50:50 is a scenario where the CSA views no maintenance to be owed by either party, whilst the mum can keep her Child support etc in that scenario you'd like to use that as STARTING POINT in the current circumstances
• should the ex have any immediate financial concerns or out of the ordinary expenses she is welcome to discuss those with your husband in a calm manner (there won't be much of these, I'm thinking new latptop for home schooling or trainers etc)

key to this is putting it in writing to the CSA if they currently calculate child maintenance and pushing for 50:50 contact. Otherwise she'll hold the kid up as "pay per view" and that's a very long and winding road if you have to go down it.

If the kid needs new trainers, great, suck it up and buy them (make sure your ex hands them over and doesnt mention you though) if you step in at all you'll become a permanent milking stool until the kid leaves university (in our case) take it from me, act invisible at all costs

@jimmyjammy001

Oh dear, poor you having a baby with this man, I think you have just gotten a taste of what is to come from him, his kids and future dramas from his ex and you and your baby are going to get dragged into it and all the future dramas and problems, believe from the rest of us it will definitely take its toll on your relationship with him and it might just be you next demanding 450 a month maintenance off him as well. She can't get anything off you and no court order can do that, they are his kids and it's his mess to sort out, good luck for the future op, will be interesting to see if your still together in 5 years time

WTAF

What’s he done wrong here??

Some people will always find a way to blame a man!

@BeaTea

If he cant afford one childx why have another. He has 2 kids to pay for now and he's jobless. What's wrong with these men? Does he not care about the existing one? I think he only cares about spreading his seed. I would really hate to be in your position OP and hope that the relationship stays strong, or you just become like the ex.

Oh FFS

Yes you don't have to pay but there are plenty of useless ex's out there not making maintenance payments by living off of their new partners.

I think he needs to get a new job ASAP so his ex isn't left to do it all on her own. The child is equally his and needs paying for.

However, I think this is complicated because he is unable to claim any benefits as a direct result of living with you and your salary. Can you figure out how much he might be entitled to if you were a lower earner and see how much being with you is costing him in this regard?

He will be having all his bills, expenses, and all shared costs of their joint child fully covered by OP. It is a bit rich to say being with her is "costing" him in those circumstances. With that in mind, given that his presence is also affecting her benefits and quite possibly costing her more than the benefits he might get, perhaps she should demand he leaves and then split the £7 he would then have to pay out of his benefits between the two children?

@LetsSplashMummy

In general I agree with the consensus, it is between him and his ExW to support their child.

However, I think this is complicated because he is unable to claim any benefits as a direct result of living with you and your salary. Can you figure out how much he might be entitled to if you were a lower earner and see how much being with you is costing him in this regard?

I would also try and have SDC to stay more often, if DH isn't working, to balance it out for her.

Good points in this post I reckon.

The ex is being totally unreasonable, it’s not your responsibility at all. Could you do 50/50 during this time? It would bring her food and heating bills down a fair bit.

More than one in four UK children were in poverty last time I read the stats @funinthesun19 Look up child poverty action group UK.

The is truly shocking and cynical me doesn’t think all of those stats are because the parents are trying their best and budgeting as hard as they can. Benefits are not a small amount at all and if you’re earning too much that you can’t claim benefits then something is seriously wrong if your child is still in poverty.

My children aren’t in poverty but they don’t live as good a lifestyle as they would if I had more money. Sometimes I think people equate “poverty” with not having a family car or not eating organic food everyday or their children not having their own bedroom.

True poverty is something entirely different and the ex in the op’s case will have to cut her cloth instead of expecting someone else to fund the lifestyle she’s (and her child) are already accustomed to.