His ex wants me to pay maintenance

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

And yes he should get any job he can and pay her at least something.

@WunWun

I don't get the comments saying the OP should split up with him or won't be together with him in five years - really weird! What's the basis for that?

Massive amounts of projection?

@Justriseaboveitkiddo no you haven't miscommunicated, it's just this is MN and you're always get people telling you to leave if you're the stepmum.

He needs to get a job as soon as he can.
you’re not obligated to pay.

Oh do jog on @BeaTea. What do you hope to achieve with your comment? He lost his job in the middle of a pandemic (like thousands of others). None of us could have predicted this. Clearly he could afford both DC before he lost his job. I sincerely hope you don't have to go through the financial struggles of losing your job through no fault of your own.

Op ignore the silly comments on here.
It's a pandemic lots of people have lost jobs or had severely reduced income! My dp included.
Her dp is trying to find work and already did when he lost his last job in the pandemic (read the posts!) and I'm sure he will try again to find work, but it's hard. Stop villifying the man!
Do not pay. Your money is for your child's security. Of course the dsc should come to your home still and you'll meet costs like food and extr utilities etc but maintence is for him and his ex to resolve between them and so is contact.
I'm very lucky that I'm in a similar position to you in that I'm the main earner and dp having been imapcted heavily be the pandemic hasn't hit us as hard as it might. But he's reduced his payments slightly to exw due to zero income some months last year, payments are now back up! It happens.
Another idea if dp isn't working could he offer to homeschool dsc 5 days a week in shorter? That was exw can work easier at home

Go to court and get 50/50 access - there will not be any maintenence to pay then.

You could offer to have the child live with you until your DP finds a job.

@DifficultBloodyWoman

1. Do not pay his child support payments for him.

1. Offer to help pay the legal fees for taking her to court if she withholds access.

What you have said about not needing a ringside seat at some circuses is 100% accurate.

If his ex thinks you should pay now, would she still expect it if the two of you were to split up? That is something your DP should consider too.

This. Do this. My DP ex tried to withhold contact. He simply told her that he had a meeting with a solicitor ( most solicitors offer 30 minute free consultation meeting) and that he would be starting legal proceedings to get the increase in contact he requested. She almost instantly backed down and gave him the one day a week he asked for.

Go to court and get 50/50 access - there will not be any maintenence to pay then

SC should live with father full time and birth mother should pay maintenance. People clearly think of children in these situations. Kids come first.

Honestly opit will be fine, they will sort it. Please don't worry.
You didn't cause a pa demic and dp to loose two jobs in a year, it's an awful reality for lots of families. You didn't cause exw to go mental and threaten over contact.
Your not responsible for any of the situation and not responsible for the solution.
Remove yourself from it and focus on your little one and yourself. Also your dp sounds very nice and supportive.
Good luck x

Whenever I see this question regarding maintenance I always think:
What would the mum do if they were either still together or if they weren’t but the dad was single? In both situations there would be no convenient OP to step in.

THEY are parents so they are the only ones responsible.

WunWun

I don't get the comments saying the OP should split up with him or won't be together with him in five years - really weird! What's the basis for that?

Massive amounts of projection?

There is so much projection on these step-parenting boards that it's awful some of the advice posters get!

OP, legally she doesn't have a leg to stand on to demand you give her money however she may well still stop contact. My DP's ex stopped contact because he and I moved in together (we met over 2 years after they had split up). He hasn't seen his kids in 6 months which has been hardgoing but is currently going through the courts to resolve.

I'd be in 2 minds about it, like you. One one hand I would be totally loathed to give her anything, particularly because she has demanded it then tried to hold her kids ransom, but on the other, if I knew the stress not seeing each other would have on him and his kids, i would maybe have considered giving something if I could. This would absolutely not be for her but for them.
The issue with giving anything though (other than the fact it's your money which she has no entitlemeng to), is she may then start to hold the kids ransom any time she wants something.

It's ridiculous posters are suggesting it's your partner's fault that he's been made redundant although I do think your DP should take whatever job he can right now though, whether just at minimum wage, so that he can contribute something to raising both his children.

I wouldn’t give her a penny because if you give her less she is still not going to be happy. Your partner needs to try and reason with her and explain it is temporary until he gets another job. What are her circumstances? Is she on a low income? It is a lot of money to lose it but these things happen. I wouldn’t be going back from maternity early to support her.

His older child is 11. Does the mum have a job?
If not, she needs to get one if she's relying on £450/ month maintenance as your DP has lost his job.

Could your Stepson come and live with you and visit his mum every 2nd weekend instead?
Or do 50/50 to reduce her outgoings?

You don't need to cut your maternity leave short to pay for some one else's child.

I take it your dp is applying for everything and anything he can find job wise? He has a responsibility to support a child so hasn't got the luxury of saying he'll start looking for jobs in a few months when this all settles down.

I don't think you should be paying though.

OP

Has your partner paid national insurance? If so he can claim JSA for 6 months regardless of your income, any savings or anything else.

It is £74.35 a week.

I know it is not your responsibility to fund his older child but you say you can manage on your income / savings.

I can also imagine it's hard for the child's mother to lose £450 pm.

Looking from the outside as a complete stranger I think you should support your partner financially but I think he should claim JSA and pay it all as child maintenance.

It's about £320 a month so she is taking a hit but is still getting something.

The bottom line is that there are now 2 children who both deserve to be homed, fed, clothed and supported.

As your income prevents your partner getting any benefits, maybe you should pay the amount he would have to pay if he could claim.
Although that £5 a week would probably enrage the ex.

It's a shitty situation and I hope he finds a new job soon.

@ukgift are you the ex ?
Or @Beatea is it you ?
For goodness sake, this young woman has come looking for the advice, collective wisdom and support that MN can provide when they are in the mood.
Not the nasty, bitchy comments and cries of 'leave the bastard'.
I'm sure that her partner did not expect to lose his job. He hasn't done it on purpose. A bit of understanding wouldn't go amiss.
Now, OP, you do not have to pay for his first child at all. This is not your responsibility.
I am not sure why your partner has been paying her so much anyway.
If you must speak to her tell her that you will not be paying the maintenance and you will happily see her in court. The court will not say that you have to pay. His ex must be getting benefits and with an eleven year old she could get a job.
As the child is 11 years old, she should have some say as to whether she wants to see her dad and the court should take her wishes into account. As PP have said put some money aside for a solicitor.

Work out what you can realistically afford. Say £100 pr month. If DP is supposed to see the child every other week he can hand over the money when he returns the child. Every other week so that he sees her. Obviously ex doesn't need it when her child is not there.
Put this all in writing, give her a copy. Keep your copy to take to court if necessary. Explain to ex that you are offering this for now and it is her decision. Court will take a dim view if you have offered and she has refused. Don't spend the money though, keep it to one side for when it is required. Congratulations 🥳👶💐 on your new baby. Enjoy.

OP’s income would not prevent her partner getting contribution based JSA if he has been working for two years. He could claim and pay her a minimum payment. I did pay my ex partner’s maintenance arrears off but now we have separated he has conveniently forgotten this when fighting over money so be wary. Can you have the DSC more often while to ease the cost to the ex . Does she work ?

@sashh

OP

Has your partner paid national insurance? If so he can claim JSA for 6 months regardless of your income, any savings or anything else.

It is £74.35 a week.

I know it is not your responsibility to fund his older child but you say you can manage on your income / savings.

I can also imagine it's hard for the child's mother to lose £450 pm.

Looking from the outside as a complete stranger I think you should support your partner financially but I think he should claim JSA and pay it all as child maintenance.

It's about £320 a month so she is taking a hit but is still getting something.

The bottom line is that there are now 2 children who both deserve to be homed, fed, clothed and supported.

This is the most helpful post on here and obviously the way to go.

I've had similar issues but I'm the Mum and my ex stopped paying maintenance last year with no notice, £380 down a month which at the time felt like a blow - however I knew I wasn't going to get any money from him so I tightened my own outgoings and my new partner stepped up and helped because we knew the situation was 'one if those things' and loosing a job in a pandemic certainly comes into that too!
Access issues are tricky at 11 as kids are so impressionable but I promise give it another couple of years and she won't be able to pull this crap, financially it's until the child is 18 but my kids made up their minds at 13 and 16 and access is based on that. It's wobbled a few times prior as they worked out what they wanted.
I wouldn't pay her the full amount, if she's genuinely struggling and you can help do what you can but not at the expense of you spending time with your own child.
When your OH gets another job prioritise a mobile for the child so you always have direct access. I did this for my two so their Dad and his family couldn't accuse me of stopping access and being able to talk to each other.

This isn't your responsibility at all OP. If I was you, I'd offer to help towards the cost of a solicitor to get access agreed in court asap if there's any threats from the children's mother about stopping contact. I hope he finds a new job soon.

The responsibility lays with your partner. He needs to find work immediately and take an infil job to tie him over