His ex wants me to pay maintenance

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

It's unfortunate that the DP has lost his job and cant fulfil his responsibilities for a while. It's horrible for everyone involved and I wish him speedy success in finding new employment.

In the meantime, both of his children's mothers find themselves without financial support. I understand that his ex is worried about the loss of maintenance, but no way should the OP be expected to fund it when she herself has lost all financial support for her child, plus household living costs too.

If you want to be generous to your DP, I suggest helping to fund legal costs to ensure contact is maintained in the child's interests, and to prevent his ex using them as a weapon in future.

Congratulations on your new baby!
It's not your responsibility to pay for his CM, of course, but it very much IS his responsibility.
I would feel uncomfortable and worried if my DP thought that providing for his first child was optional depending on circumstances. What if his ex was unable to support their shared child due to her own circumstances? What if you fell ill and didn't have comfy finances and providing for your baby fell to him?
The burden shouldn't fall on you, but I also think it is very unreasonable for your DP to shrug off his parental responsibility with a casual phone call letting his first born's mother know that he was cutting off paying for his child for the foreseeable future. COVID has created such difficulties on so many fronts. I hope you can all figure this out in a way that keeps the DCs cared for and prioritized!

Dragons - Why on earth would OP leave her partner because he unexpectedly lost his job?? I can’t believe some of the shit people put on here!

OP - as others have said, do not pay, you are responsible for your child. She is responsible for hers. End of!

She’s a massive CF! She has no claim on your money so don’t even worry about it. Concentrate on helping your DP find work so that payments can resume as quickly as possible.

OP just to add if it is an option for him to claim contribution based JSA he should absolutely do this. However, I wouldn't be paying the whole lot over to the ex. Your DP has a responsibility to support both his DC, not just his eldest. I'm guessing if he pays his ex £450, your household has lost a heck of a lot more.

1. It’s not the OP’s partner’s fault that he lost his job, he was made redundant not sacked.

1. It doesn’t matter if he has 1 or 2 children to support, half of £0 is £0.

1. If he was still with his ex, she’d now be supporting him too so she’s got lucky there.

I’d investigate the suggestion that @sashh made about JSA and if he’s able to claim that, pay some or all of it to her.

You, however are not liable for any of this and I certainly wouldn’t set a precedent of paying it or when he does get a job, the ex could argue that you can afford to pay your £450 plus his £450 a month.

Why don't you offer to have his DC live with your permanently? Call her bluff.

No it's not your responsibility to pay for his child. And access should be seperate, he should look at applying to court if their arrangement isn't working any more. Having said that, you say that he hasn't had much contact this last year, so presumably his ex has been doing it all, and he is now also withdrawing his financial contribution towards his child, which I don't really think is acceptable. He needs to be using his savings to pay for his children until he can get another job. Same as you would if you lost your job.

I assume if they have the child move in with them then OP would actually end up paying for them eg food.

If your partner was paying £450 a month he must have had a reasonable income, as that seems quite high compared to the amounts many people on here talk about. How come he hasn’t got any savings and you have lots to cover 2 years of maternity

How does he feel about not paying any money towards his child?

You are in the same position as the ex.
The father of your child is currently not in a position to financially contribute to your child.
How she concluded that you need to pay her rather than her paying you to make up the shortfall is anyone’s guess. It’s equally as ridiculous.
I’d have been thinking about helping if I could but certainly not the full amount nor long term but with an attitude like that the Bank of Yousee would be closed indefinitely.

Gash lots of nasty people on here

Why should the op leave the man she loves because he has lost his job and his ex is saying she should pay when both her dp and her have said no?

Yes he needs to get a job as soon as possible, but in the meantime won’t have the money, so the ex will have to look at UC. Expectations should also be set that he may not be able to pay the £450 he was paying from any news job

Is she refuses access because he can’t, at the moment pay maintenance then consider going to court to get formal arrangements in place. Women who use their child as a weapon are shameful and total bitches in my eyes. Whatever the situation between the two parents they should be putting the child first snd denying access is wrong.

I hate hearing about men that stop paying CMS. I know so many who quit work. I know that's not the case here but the child still needs paying for. To lose that sum every month is massive for the child and ex. If you can afford it I would pay what you can until he finds a job. Keeping the peace is very valuable. The family income should be pooled and all children considered. How would you feel if it was your child going without?

How would you feel if it was your child going without?
OPs child is also going without a contribution from their father.

Gosh op
These are your step children,who surely you love???
If you don’t love and cherish them ,why are you having a child with their dad
You are their step mum ,their family .
Yes they are your responsibility.
Why have a baby with a man if you are not sharing money ..
You share a child ,that is his children’s half sibling.
Why would you not help ..

If he cant afford one childx why have another.
Oh for fucks sake here we go. “Why does the second child exist?” comments.
Do you not realise that circumstances can change after having children?

By your logic, his first one shouldn’t exist either because neither his dad or mum can afford him. At least the op can afford hers...

Goshop.... Hilarious post. Please refer to the greetings card thread
Op is not morally or legally responsible for the financial upkeep of non biological children or children she has no parental rights over.
I love my nephews and they are my family, I wouldn't pay maintence to se them. Children are not pay per view.
Honestly op not your problem, don't get involved let dp and exw sort it

That was aimed at pringlemonster

£450 a month sounds very high for one child OP.
Was this through an agreement with the ex?
Let's be honest it sounds like the she will be unreasonable if she doesn't get her own way. This will most likely go on for a long time.
To punish the child by stopping access because she isn't getting money is all wrong.
Tell his ex to go to the CMS.
It is not your place to pay OP. Don't take your money away from your own child.

I’m so sorry this has happened, but I agree don’t pay and keep money for legal help. I would pay for practical stuff, clothes and shoes etc but nothing else. Maybe have the child 50/50 to cut some costs. Document everything from here on in. I hope your Dp gets a job soon

Maybe some of the posters making attacks on OP should point some of their outrage at the mother threatening to withhold contact because the man’s lost his job during a bloody pandemic.

She can’t be that hard up if she can afford to pay the extra costs of keeping DC with her full time just to spite the dad

It’s not your problem to pay so don’t do it.

What I would say is, for your whole life, most of his money will go to someone else, and it’s hard to live with

Most? Not by a long shot. Most maintenance is unpaid.

Why don't you offer to have his DC live with your permanently? Call her bluff

She is just as capable as anyone else as 'calling your bluff'. Be careful what you wish for.

Does it occur to you it might not be what the child wants? Playing that kind of game when a child is 11 is very dangerous as teen years are looming.

And as for why doesn’t he have savings - maybe he used them to bridge the gap during his first job loss seeing as this issue has only just cropped up now?

These are your step children,who surely you love???
If you don’t love and cherish them ,why are you having a child with their dad

Oh give over! She may well cherish them, but it doesn’t mean she has to give their mum money! She is entitled to have a child with him also without giving their mum money.

You are their step mum ,their family .
Yes they are your responsibility.

Children of the family. But NOT her responsibility.

Why have a baby with a man if you are not sharing money ..

Maybe because she wants to protect it from the greedy ex...

You share a child ,that is his children’s half sibling.

And? She still didn’t give birth to the half sibling. What would the mum do if OP wasn’t on the scene? Is the ex ever going to help the her child’s half sibling financially? No. Both mums are concentrating on their own children now that their children’s shared father is not working. They are both in the same boat. The op may have more money but that’s just the way it is! Suck it up. It’s like it’s only ever ok if it’s the mum of the first child who has more money isn’t it?

Why would you not help ..

She is. She’s undoubtably going to be paying more in to her own household now. The stepchild will benefit from that when he goes to see his father. Why does help mean throwing money to the ex?