His ex wants me to pay maintenance

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

From my understanding of using the CSA - in the UK - if that's where you are

only he is responsible for child maintenance- not you.

She can try to take your partner to court over CSA but courts will direct her to the CSA

Also,

She can and probably will stop contact over money - plenty of people do.

If there is no court order in place around him having his daughter then maybe he needs to apply for one because if she's doing this now what's to say she won't do it again in the future?

No you do not pay maintenance money for his child. You will never be forced too. But £450 loss a month will be a big hit for his ex, he needs to find a job ASAP.

It's not your responsibility to pay for his children. You should perhaps consider ending the relationship . Cheeky bastard ( dp not you)

Yes we are in the UK. I'm not 100% sure whether he was court ordered to pay that or its CSA or voluntary, its something we have never had to talk about before.
There's no court order in place for access they sorted it all out between themselves.

It’s his kid, your DP and his ex pay for him/her. Not your problem.

If this is a sign of her approach to shared parenting you have a very long period of time ahead of you until his kid grows up, I hope your relationship with your DP is actually worth all the hassle that the ex is going to bring to your life. Plus, I hope your DP isn’t pressuring you to pay up, that would make him a dick.

He hasn't asked me to pay, she did. Well actually she didn't ask, she told him that it was happening. He gave her a right old going over down the phone for even thinking it. I can't remember the last time I heard him raise his voice in anger. He's told me not to bother but I can see he's hurting and that makes me feel awful for him.

1. Do not pay his child support payments for him.

1. Offer to help pay the legal fees for taking her to court if she withholds access.

What you have said about not needing a ringside seat at some circuses is 100% accurate.

If his ex thinks you should pay now, would she still expect it if the two of you were to split up? That is something your DP should consider too.

What a mess.
If you hadn’t just had a baby , I would have said get him to leave.

Do not pay this money, it will set a terrible precedent.

As it is, you are always going to be harangued by this woman

It’s a shame you can’t just step away from the drama

What I would say is, for your whole life, most of his money will go to someone else, and it’s hard to live with..

Don’t pay this money, it will never stop, and your future family life is already going to suffer enough.

If you did pay she might have grounds for saying you agreed to it.

My husbands ex, told us she had lied for years about her income, and that she used his money for lots of holidays.

Irksome, but the holiday part was odd, she could spend the money on what she wanted .🙄

Perhaps instead, pay for him.some.legal representation so that he can establish a court order for contact rather than paying for his child support.

If I were getting £450 off the father of my child, religiously, every month, I'd definitely have a pretty kitty to fall back on when there's a rainy day. I wouldn't be making threats.

I'm glad your dp has your back. It's not right to stop contact due to maintence and courts take a dim view of this.
If I was him I'd get legal advice and a options/costs.
DO NOT PAY as she is blackmailing you and the general rule is that gets worse. If she will stop contact over this then she will over somthing else. Also her asking when your on mat leave is shitty as you need your own money!
My dp ex isn't the nicest woman and is a bit money orientated but even she would never dare ask me to pay maintenance as I'd laugh her out of the room.
It's a hard climate out there but your dp needs to focus on getting any job for now to pay his way support u and baby (savings can go quicker than you think) plus his other children. Fingers crossed he finds something soon.

Why would you even consider paying his maintenance for his eldest child? You are now financially responsible for his youngest child and the household bills.

Oh dear, poor you having a baby with this man, I think you have just gotten a taste of what is to come from him, his kids and future dramas from his ex and you and your baby are going to get dragged into it and all the future dramas and problems, believe from the rest of us it will definitely take its toll on your relationship with him and it might just be you next demanding 450 a month maintenance off him as well.
She can't get anything off you and no court order can do that, they are his kids and it's his mess to sort out, good luck for the future op, will be interesting to see if your still together in 5 years time

Sorry, I'm not sure how to reply to individuals but in reply to vegemitels toasty.. .
His ex tried to be horrid towards me from the beginning but I would never acknowledge her behaviour... Not my monkeys! Over time my dp stopped acknowledging her behaviour too and she quieted down. Every now and again something gets her motor running but he ignores it completely. But this really does seem to have got to him. I don't think the stress of losing 2 jobs in 1 pandemic has done anything for him either. He's a lovely man and a lovely father and 4 years and a baby in and we still haven't had an argument. Our life together is pretty cool actually but I suppose there's always one fly lurking around in the ointment isn't there?!

@jimmyjammy001

Oh dear, poor you having a baby with this man, I think you have just gotten a taste of what is to come from him, his kids and future dramas from his ex and you and your baby are going to get dragged into it and all the future dramas and problems, believe from the rest of us it will definitely take its toll on your relationship with him and it might just be you next demanding 450 a month maintenance off him as well. She can't get anything off you and no court order can do that, they are his kids and it's his mess to sort out, good luck for the future op, will be interesting to see if your still together in 5 years time

Why are you blaming the partner? He's lost his job, his ex is making the demands and threats and he's telling her no. What's he done wrong exactly? It's the ex who is in the wrong here.

Has he no savings to pay at least a nominal sum from while looking for work?

OP I’m glad you DP has your back on this, but if his ex is this much of an entitled, rude cow, her involvement in your life constantly for the next 10 years until his kid is an adult will put a lot of pressure on your relationship. Sometimes the ex is the reason a new relationship can’t survive, so it will need to be something you are both consciously aware of, and continue to work to support each other in this.

But definitely don’t pay anything, it’s not your responsibility.

God there are some negative people on here. The ex is being a cheeky cow. You do not (and should not!) have to pay her. Yes she's bound to cause extra stress and drams but that doesn't mean your relationship is doomed like some people seem to think.

Personally in your circumstances I wouldn't pay the ex a single penny but would offer to help DH out with legal fees if it's a route he chooses to pursue if she stops contact. It can't be easy for the ex losing £450 but your household has been far more impacted by his job loss than hers. Hope he's able to find a job soon so you're able to enjoy your maternity leave.

I can't see what he's done wrong either? Have I somehow miscommunicated in my early morning ramblings? We have a great relationship, no real problems with his child (dc or dsc?) our baby is an absolute joy to behold and we are pretty sorted financially, granted we are comfier when he's working or I'm working but if it comes to it I can go back to work and not have to pay out for cover.

My exes wife pays me child support BUT she approached me about it as she was sick of him not paying me consistently (all my contact is through her as I can have a more sensible conversation with her) and I have never expected her to pay and take a dim view of my ex for letting his wife take on his responsibility.

Different POV here.
OP, if affordable, in your position, I'd give the ex some money. Not because she demands it and not because you are obliged to (you are not, legally or otherwise.) I'd give because it is your DP's responsibility to his child (and you are a family unit) and it is for the child.
I wouldn't, however, give the full amount and I'd make it clear to both DP and ex that this was ONLY until DP is back in work.

She could stop contact based on him not paying; it happens but it would look pretty awful to the courts if your DP then went down that road. I’m not defending the ex but I’d panic too if I was told that I wasn’t getting £450 that I was relying on.
It’s not your responsibility and no way would I have cut short my maternity leave for that reason. We’d be in a similar situation if DH lost his job and I would be saying that my DC needs to come first
What is the likelihood of your DP being able to get a new job in what he does quickly? I’d be suggesting he takes on any job he can find that so he can pay his ex a bit and contribute towards your household

I don't get the comments saying the OP should split up with him or won't be together with him in five years - really weird! What's the basis for that?

@Justriseaboveitkiddo

I can't see what he's done wrong either? Have I somehow miscommunicated in my early morning ramblings? We have a great relationship, no real problems with his child (dc or dsc?) our baby is an absolute joy to behold and we are pretty sorted financially, granted we are comfier when he's working or I'm working but if it comes to it I can go back to work and not have to pay out for cover.

He's done nothing wrong, everything right.

Well, his only mistake was being with her in the first place, by the sounds of it.

She is jealous as hell, all round. And of your money. And the baby will have also got to her. It's a pity she feels like this, but she sounds set in her ways. So you have to step up your full protection mode and just ignore her. No you don't pay her, nor has she any recourse to this. Thank goodness you have the ability to support your family. Your DP needs this right now. She is guilt tripping him for something he couldn't help (losing his income). I'm afraid that now he isn't legally obliged to pay her anything. She can apply to UC for help maybe. £450 is a lot for one child along CSA guides - she probably wouldn't have got this much through court.

Looking at her income problem - she is just going to have to apply for government support until he's working again. Not you. She shouldn't even be talking to her. Don't engage with her. Get legal advice.

I'm afraid that as she is loco, you won't be able to do anything if she cuts off contact apart from support him and apply to court. 🤦‍♀️