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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Well we are finally getting divorced

126 replies

Londono · 26/01/2021 15:58

I'm a stepmother and DH and I, after a very up and down relationship, are getting divorced.

My DSD is now an adult but I am reflecting on the issues DH and I had in our first 10 years of our relationship which have played out across our broader relationship even when DSD went off to uni.

One of the things that is playing on my mind is how, when DS was a newborn baby and I had had an emergency c-section and lost a lot of blood - when I came home from hospital, young teen DSD was there for three weeks in a row. DH and his ex usually did week on/week off and with the half term being ours it meant we had her for three full weeks. I hadn't wanted this but DH had refused to change the arrangement.

There is obviously a huge amount more to the dynamic between the three of us and why DH and I are now splitting, but I'm just wondering if I was being unreasonable at the time? Now I'm older I think I clearly needed time to bond with my firstborn without always having to put DH and DSD first.

OP posts:
WhateverJudy · 26/01/2021 16:04

Honestly I don't think he was being unreasonable there. I'm always baffled by people who have babies with someone who already has children and then expect it to be like they have given birth to the first child of the family. When younger siblings are born the older children aren't sent away. Clearly it's more difficult for a first time mum who hasn't had a newborn baby before, but if you want there to be no other children around at home you need to have a baby with someone who doesn't already have children. Those children are part of your family and they are your baby's siblings. So they will be around. And a teen shouldn't be much hassle, not like having a toddler around.

I'm not a bitter first wife, before I get jumped on by step mothers! And I'm also not a step mum basher before I'm accused of that. I just can never get my head around the mindset of some of the step parents on MN and what their expectations of having a child with someone who already has kids are.

WhateverJudy · 26/01/2021 16:06

To add to that - of course if your DH was expecting you to do parenting type jobs for the teen then that's a different issue. He is her parent and her presence shouldn't have caused any extra work for you. But assuming he did the parenting then I think you're unreasonable to think she shouldn't have been in her dad's home just because he had another baby.

Original poster
Londono · 26/01/2021 16:08

Thanks for your views, @WhateverJudy, I take your point. I just think three full weeks was a long time and too much for me rather than our usual week on/week off system when I was getting used to being a mother with all that entails. It wasn't a dealbreaker for us as DS is now 14 himself but I was just thinking back over some things that have stuck with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Londono · 26/01/2021 16:09

I can't remember how much I had to do for DSD in that period tbh, but I did the lion's share of the domestic work for her usually which obviously is a different issue.

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 26/01/2021 16:22

Hi OP.

I don’t think you were being unreasonable there expecting a bit of space upon your return home with a newborn from what sounded like a traumatic birth.

I have two SC and a child with my DH and pregnant with the next one. When my DD was born I went through a similar experience with the SC and even now it hurts that I was given no consideration at such a vulnerable time.

I have said to him this time round I expect at least a couple of days rest at home before anyone (SC included) come round. I also said to him if he wasn’t willing to agree then I would go and stay with my Nan for a couple of days with the newborn. I wouldn’t say it’s harsh, as the person having just given birth, it was very important to take your wishes into consideration which he clearly didn’t.

I hope things improve for you in the future.

Iwonder08 · 26/01/2021 16:26

OP, congratulations on your divorce. The example you provided clearly shows you were treated like a second class citizen. I don't buy into the whole mantra about 'you knew he has kids'. In every situation a person needs to assess whose needs are more important rather than pick their child every time. You needed a recovery time and you were being ignored. If this example represents his general behavior towards you then you are better off without him.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/01/2021 16:28

I nearly split with dp post birth for the exact same reasons. I was extreamly poorly and had pnd post birth. I felt abandoned and decamped to my mom's for a few days in the end.
It's taken a Lot to get over

MyCatHatesEverybody · 26/01/2021 16:35

I don't think it was an unreasonable thing to ask but I do kind of agree that if your partner already has children then you do have to approach the situation knowing that one or both parents might deem that the older child's needs trump yours (whether or not that's actually the case is another discussion).

TBH I strongly suspect it's a chicken and egg thing - if you weren't already doing "the lion's share of the domestic work for her usually" then you may well have not felt the same need to have that space.

Youseethethingis · 26/01/2021 16:44

To flip popular thought on its head:

  • surely he knew when he chose to have a child with you that you didn’t already have children
  • surely he knew that many people do in fact have their kids stay with relatives when they have a newborn or indeed are recovering from almost bleeding to death
  • surely he knew that sometimes the needs of his wife would be more pressing than his child
He showed you how important you were to him and it sounds like he reinforced the message plenty throughout your marriage. Congratulations for moving on from it all.
1940s · 26/01/2021 16:46

@WhateverJudy

Honestly I don't think he was being unreasonable there. I'm always baffled by people who have babies with someone who already has children and then expect it to be like they have given birth to the first child of the family. When younger siblings are born the older children aren't sent away. Clearly it's more difficult for a first time mum who hasn't had a newborn baby before, but if you want there to be no other children around at home you need to have a baby with someone who doesn't already have children. Those children are part of your family and they are your baby's siblings. So they will be around. And a teen shouldn't be much hassle, not like having a toddler around.

I'm not a bitter first wife, before I get jumped on by step mothers! And I'm also not a step mum basher before I'm accused of that. I just can never get my head around the mindset of some of the step parents on MN and what their expectations of having a child with someone who already has kids are.

I completely agree. As a family the elder siblings are never sent away so that the mother gets to 'bond' with the new baby. It's such a bizarre thing to want and really sets apart 'step' siblings and new babies.
Frazzled99 · 26/01/2021 16:49

OP you are 100% not being unreasonable. I have 2 SDs and 2 DDs. My first DD was a traumatic emergency c section and the SDs were there as soon as I got home for a week. DH's conveniently booked a holiday the week she knew I was due. As a new mum I didn't quite understand how vulnerable you are post-birth and having them there in that state with a newborn nearly broke me. With DD2 and a planned c section I put my foot down and made sure I had a week at home with the newborn before anyone, including SDs came. I even had childcare for my DD1 most days. If you're not a step-parent and you're using the 'you know he had kids they should be able to be there' quite frankly you don't have a clue!!!! We SMs sacrafice a hell of a lot for our step-kids and if there's ever a time you need prioritising it's post-birth. Yes everyone, I said it.....step-mums need prioritising ABOVE the step-children once in a while....shock horror!!!

Original poster
Londono · 26/01/2021 16:50

Lots to think about, this wasn't an isolated incident of my needs getting rejected so for me it shows DH's inability to consider my feelings and to compromise. Also if someone had told me that was going to be the case when I got with him/we decided to have a baby then I might have thought twice.

OP posts:
Frazzled99 · 26/01/2021 16:53

@1940s and I completely disagree! DH's ex had her baby and we had my step-daughters for 5 days post-birth for exactly that reason. So she could recover and bond with her baby. In step families, the children have two homes so any reasonable adults would see the mother could have a few days recovery whether that's the mother or step-mother. Not that my partners ex gave us the same curtosy as she booked a holiday when I gave birth so we didn't have a choice.

jamesfailedmarshmallows · 26/01/2021 16:54

I can see as a first time mum why you would want space, but equally I can understand why he wouldn't want to change contact. If your dsd was 14 at the time it is even less of an issue, surely you could have taken to your bed and relaxed, it's not as if she was a demanding 3 year old.

RealisticSketch · 26/01/2021 16:57

Taking that point, I suppose if the sc's were actually your own older children and didn't have another parent elsewhere, you would still make provision for mum of a new born to be taken care of if you could, especially if the birth was traumatic. So whether the older children visit grandparents for a bit or the new born does it whether the dh steps up. The fact is that whether it's your first baby or not you might be able to barely miss a stride after giving birth, but there are plenty of situations where you do need to be able to take a step back, as op had, and each birth should be looked at as a separate situation. I think nearly bleeding to death qualifies for a breather however the dh achieves that, but to do nothing to alleviate the workload isn't fair.

Frazzled99 · 26/01/2021 16:57

@Youseethethingis the most wonderful post I've ever seen on MN!!!!! Thank you!

Frazzled99 · 26/01/2021 16:59

@Youseethethingis

To flip popular thought on its head:
  • surely he knew when he chose to have a child with you that you didn’t already have children
  • surely he knew that many people do in fact have their kids stay with relatives when they have a newborn or indeed are recovering from almost bleeding to death
  • surely he knew that sometimes the needs of his wife would be more pressing than his child
He showed you how important you were to him and it sounds like he reinforced the message plenty throughout your marriage. Congratulations for moving on from it all.
The most wonderful post I've ever seen on MN!!!!! Thank you!
Thislittlefinger123 · 26/01/2021 16:59

I don't have experience of step children, but imo its very unreasonable to expect to dictate when your DH has his DC to visit regardless of whether you've just had a baby or not. I have three DC and did farm the older two off to anyone when I had my 2nd/3rd. Yes in an ideal world you'd choose to have time to bond alone with a first baby, but then you chose to have a child with someone who already had DC, so knew in advance that wouldn't be the case so I'm not sure why you expected it?

Thislittlefinger123 · 26/01/2021 17:00

*didn't Grin

Thislittlefinger123 · 26/01/2021 17:01

The fact you are still resentful all these years later suggested you've struggled with not being put above your DSS, which if course you never would be. I love DH to bits but would never put his needs above our DCs (and neither would he in reverse).

Frazzled99 · 26/01/2021 17:05

@Thislittlefinger123

I don't have experience of step children, but imo its very unreasonable to expect to dictate when your DH has his DC to visit regardless of whether you've just had a baby or not. I have three DC and did farm the older two off to anyone when I had my 2nd/3rd. Yes in an ideal world you'd choose to have time to bond alone with a first baby, but then you chose to have a child with someone who already had DC, so knew in advance that wouldn't be the case so I'm not sure why you expected it?
Oh bore off!!!! Of course it's not unreasonable and you've just admitted you even palmed your own kids off when you gave birth. But yet a step-mum isn't allowed to have a few days recovery when she gives birth!!!! Your point is completely contradictory!
Youseethethingis · 26/01/2021 17:10

I love DH to bits but would never put his needs above our DCs (and neither would he in reverse)
There’s the dividing line right there. Some people believe needs and wants should be balanced across all members of the family, others believe the children should always be first every time as a principal.
Which is one thing when it’s your own children being put above you by your spouse every time, and quite another thing to digest when it isn’t your child and you didn’t agree to being bottom of the pile always.
I think it’s one of those things that people don’t always think to talk about in advance because it seems so obvious to them that that’s how things are done so why would you discuss it?

Original poster
Londono · 26/01/2021 17:13

I wasn't trying to dictate, I was trying for it to be a compromise not three solid weeks of hosting a teenager and everything that entails after giving birth. This is not an issue with my DSD, it never has been, more my DH's inability to see my side of things and yield even a little.

This is obviously the tip of the iceberg of our issues, it is just one that I've only remembered recently when reflecting on how we got where we are today where, it may not surprise regular posters on this board, I now feel that we have got into a pattern where his needs are always prioritised and it has broken us. That pattern was probably set early on when it was all about DSD's needs and it has moved onto him as he got used to having his way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Londono · 26/01/2021 17:15

Actually I didn't even remember this issue until a friend reminded me when we have been mulling over different things that have gone on so I haven't been resentful all this time as a pp says, but now I'm older I actually still think I was right not to want her for quite so long post birth.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 26/01/2021 17:15

I suspect there’s more to this than just having SD sent to you after you gave birth.

Your STBXH sounds like he palmed off responsibility and drudge work of having his DD on to you OP.

And that’s not OK.

It’s one thing for contact to stay the same and the father to entertain the older DC whilst mum stays in bed with baby bonding and healing and entirely another where the you are forced to have DSC more than normal and the poor new mum is racing around cooking and cleaning after an older child, whilst taking care of her new baby and healing from birth.

DH took over completely with older DC when I had younger DC & older DC kept in the routine of going to nursery so I had time to bond and heal with new baby.

I’d find it hard to get over being treated like that too.