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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Well we are finally getting divorced

126 replies

Londono · 26/01/2021 15:58

I'm a stepmother and DH and I, after a very up and down relationship, are getting divorced.

My DSD is now an adult but I am reflecting on the issues DH and I had in our first 10 years of our relationship which have played out across our broader relationship even when DSD went off to uni.

One of the things that is playing on my mind is how, when DS was a newborn baby and I had had an emergency c-section and lost a lot of blood - when I came home from hospital, young teen DSD was there for three weeks in a row. DH and his ex usually did week on/week off and with the half term being ours it meant we had her for three full weeks. I hadn't wanted this but DH had refused to change the arrangement.

There is obviously a huge amount more to the dynamic between the three of us and why DH and I are now splitting, but I'm just wondering if I was being unreasonable at the time? Now I'm older I think I clearly needed time to bond with my firstborn without always having to put DH and DSD first.

OP posts:
Frazzled99 · 27/01/2021 14:29

@FrugalPear this is just the perfect response. I wish all adults could be as reasonable as you all sound. It really doesn't need to be a drama...unfortunately every single thing is for us due to a high-drama unreasonable ex and a DH who isn't understanding.

I agree about the emotive language, very unnecessary. I also think I mentioned in a previous post tnat they're not being shipped off to a prison camp, but instead staying with their mother in their home.

Good luck with the labour!

LouJ85 · 27/01/2021 14:52

@FrugalPear

I echo what others have said - excellent post.

I hope my DP's ex is as understanding as yours seems to be when I have our first baby in a few months 😬

FrugalPear · 27/01/2021 17:06

I don't get the 'you can't expect ex to have her when it's not her time' stuff either.

Surely any reasonable and decent human being would offer in certain circumstances? I mean she doesn't have to but I don't think it's necessarily unreasonable to ask. As co parents, flexibility on the odd occasion is to be expected surely?

I'd never turn around to their Mum and say 'NO we are absolutely categorically not having DSC for longer just because you've given birth, it's not our time with them and we don't have to, you'll have to sort your own stuff out'. Because why? It's just being a bit awkward for the sake of it really isn't it. Fair enough if things like work are in the way but I'd do my best to jig things around so we could help out in these situations. You can guarantee they'll be a time when the other party could do with a bit of the same flexibility, what goes around comes around and all that.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 27/01/2021 17:29

"I don't get the 'you can't expect ex to have her when it's not her time' stuff either."

Me neither. We offered to hold onto DSC for a couple more days (already close to 50/50 access so not us "needing" extra time with them as such) so their mum could support her DP who was having an operation even though it was a relatively routine one. The DCs literally did not bat an eyelid or feel like their mum was putting her DP over them. They totally got that sometimes other people have needs too.

Why anyone would want their children to be onlookers to someone going through genuine need or distress if it could feasibly be avoided by switching a contact day just to prove some point is beyond me.

LouJ85 · 27/01/2021 17:43

*I don't get the 'you can't expect ex to have her when it's not her time' stuff either.

Surely any reasonable and decent human being would offer in certain circumstances? I mean she doesn't have to but I don't think it's necessarily unreasonable to ask. As co parents, flexibility on the odd occasion is to be expected surely?*

You would think, wouldn't you.
I've lost count of the number of times my DD's Dad has cancelled or rearranged his weekend with her due to challenging circumstances over the past 14 years of her life. It is what it is. You just get on with it.

Original poster
Londono · 27/01/2021 17:50

Just to add, it was not DSD's DM who refused to have her - DH refused to even discuss us not having her for three weeks in a row never mind discuss it with his ex.

OP posts:
Devlesko · 27/01/2021 17:57

It was such a long time ago, and you are getting divorced.
What does it matter now, you can't change it.
Irrespective of what people on here think, if it bothered you and you want to move on, tell your dh how unreasonable you found it, even if folk on here don't agree.
But time to move on now, meant in the best possible way btw Thanks

aSofaNearYou · 27/01/2021 18:38

I don't get the 'you can't expect ex to have her when it's not her time' stuff either. Surely any reasonable and decent human being would offer in certain circumstances? I mean she doesn't have to but I don't think it's necessarily unreasonable to ask. As co parents, flexibility on the odd occasion is to be expected surely?

Certainly not unreasonable to ask. She may have enjoyed having them for half term, or thought it would be better if they didn't spend the whole time tiptoeing around a newborn.

She could have said no but his flat out refusal to pose the question is on him.

sassbott · 27/01/2021 18:38

@Devlesko have you RTFT before posting? The OP has repeatedly made it clear about why it matters now. It’s important to her clearly and part of her processing. It’s also incredibly condescending to tell her it’s time to move on.
I’m pretty sure (as an adult), she’ll figure out when it’s time to move on and do so.

Devlesko · 27/01/2021 19:57

[quote sassbott]@Devlesko have you RTFT before posting? The OP has repeatedly made it clear about why it matters now. It’s important to her clearly and part of her processing. It’s also incredibly condescending to tell her it’s time to move on.
I’m pretty sure (as an adult), she’ll figure out when it’s time to move on and do so.[/quote]
My apologies, OP, it was meant with the best intention, not to be condescending at all.
I do think the OP should speak to her dh, and irrespective of what anyone else says.
I do think that sharing her feelings with him will help her move on.
However OP decided to do that, whether letter, phone, text, email or shouting at him.

GrumpyHoonMain · 27/01/2021 20:02

I think your DH was right. I have my DN and after having DS I had a pph and an episiotomy and was in hospital for a week. When DM came to help she was only interested in the housework and so all the childcare for both kids fell to DH and I and all her personal hygiene fell to me because she’s only ever been comfortable with me doing it. I could have packed her off back to her parents sure but that wasn’t the right thing to do - as my child she had every bit the same right to me as my DS did.

aSofaNearYou · 27/01/2021 20:55

@GrumpyHoonMain So is she your niece, or your child? It's unclear.

Jobsharenightmare · 27/01/2021 23:59

Hi OP,

I think it's impossible to go back in time and remember with any clarity or certainty but from what you've posted I would reflect on what might help you to learn for the future:

  • what is it in you that meant before your son was born you had become the primary parent for your SC when she was with you? (Assuming she wasn't a little child when you met her as that might have naturally evolved by the time she was a teen and you were pregnant).
  • what patterns of communication didn't work between you and what could you try and do differently in future relationships to communicate well and manage conflict positively?
  • how did you establish the rules and boundaries and expectations within the relationship and maintain these?

In terms of this specific example, we'd really have to ask teens on a teen forum for their views as adults projecting how they may have felt at 13 is meaningless. Personally I can appreciate why having her there for 3 weeks instead of her usual pattern may have felt overwhelming. I also recognise there may have been more to his decision to not change that you weren't aware of/have forgotten.

Good luck for the future. I hope you find some happiness.

Vivi0 · 28/01/2021 00:50

You can talk about what happens in nuclear families all you like but in reality, blended families aren't that. The children have two homes, two parents and the availability to give a little flexibility when needed due to this. And it's also not true that this never happens in nuclear families. I went to my grans for a few days when my mum had a very traumatic birth. I wasn't shipped off, I'm not emotionally scarred or anything. My mum, an actual human woman with needs and feelings, needed some time to recover and to be looked after herself for once. It's hardly the end of the world.

I’m not a stepmother, but my DS1 stayed with his grandparents after DS2 was born for a couple of days. He wasn’t “shipped off” for fucks sake! Nor was he “pushed out”.

I agree with you, the language used to describe something as uncontroversial as older children staying with relatives following the birth of a new baby, especially when the relative in question is their own parent, is ridiculous.

LouJ85 · 28/01/2021 04:57

I agree with you, the language used to describe something as uncontroversial as older children staying with relatives following the birth of a new baby, especially when the relative in question is their own parent, is ridiculous.

I couldn't agree more. DP and I will be "shipping off" (aka slightly postponing contacted with) his kids - to their own home with their mother where they live the majority of the time - for a week or so when we have our baby in a few months. I'm sure they will be scarred for life. I don't know how I sleep at night.

CiderWithRosy · 28/01/2021 16:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Anuta77 · 28/01/2021 17:32

OP, no you were not unreasonable. In relationship we have needs and post-partum, we feel more vulnerable and good partners listen and try to understand. Unfortunately, many men don't understand what a woman has to go through, to that you add father's guilt, and it causes problems.
I remember my SD and SS being there and being annoying (yes, annoying, telling me what to do and fighting for the baby) and I was resenting their presence. They even wanted their mothers to see the baby too, and nobody cared what I wanted. The only reason we didn't break up is because I was feeling vulnerable and I had another son (abandonned by his father), so I made a decision to stay and heal. But I might break up too, because a relationship with a partner who doesn't listen has a lot of limits....Best of luck to you. It's probably not worth thinking about what you could have done wrong, I hope the future brings you happiness.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/01/2021 15:12

He wasn’t hosting her, she’s his daughter and should have been able to call her dad’s house home and say when she liked.

Will you now want him to prioritise your joint child or do you think his new partner (when he gets one) should come first as you wanted to? I somehow predict you will want your child’s needs to come first.

Frazzled99 · 29/01/2021 15:57

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss oh do just go away.

Frazzled99 · 29/01/2021 16:02

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss and yes if me and DH split I would have our joint children stay at mine for as long as needed so his new partner could give birth and recover. Do you know why? Because I'm not an arsehole!!! Plus it would be traumatic for the children too if the poor woman was in a state. Maybe read the whole thread before posting your pointless comment.

Youseethethingis · 29/01/2021 16:12

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
I’d you read OPs comments you will see exactly why she described it at as “hosting”.
I wouldn’t want my child prioritised over a woman in OPs state, and neither would many on here.
Just because you have no sense of proportion or context doesn’t mean everyone else is similarly inclined.

Bibidy · 29/01/2021 18:38

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

He wasn’t hosting her, she’s his daughter and should have been able to call her dad’s house home and say when she liked.

Will you now want him to prioritise your joint child or do you think his new partner (when he gets one) should come first as you wanted to? I somehow predict you will want your child’s needs to come first.

I just feel like lots of people who aren't in a stepfamily situation can't truly appreciate the dynamics. It's not like having a child who lives with you full time, at all.

No matter how often a child moves between homes, there is always an element of 'hosting' (unless you are the RP) because there is always time when they aren't around - so the humdrum reality of 'normal' life is consistently pushed to the times when they aren't there.

Even if they are 50/50, it still happens. Separated parents invariably want their child to have the best time possible when with them, so it's NOT like when you have a child living with you full-time and they just blend in with the household. There is always extra effort when a stepchild is involved, and particularly when it concerns the arrival of a new baby.

If I had a baby with my DP, there is absolutely no way he'd expect his kids to come as normal but sit around and busy themselves in the way he would if we shared all of the children together. He would be wanting to show them that everything hasn't changed, it's not all going to be about the baby, etc etc.

Which he NEEDS to do, but not for 3 solid weeks immediately after I come out of hospital following a traumatic birth.

CiderWithRosy · 29/01/2021 20:48

Absolutely spot on, Bibidy.

Witchymclovely · 29/01/2021 21:32

Don’t post if you don’t have experience of Step-parenting. You know nothing @Thislittlefinger123. No one knows what it’s like until you have experienced Step parenting. You can’t imagine it, prepare for it, every family set up completely unique as is every situation @WhateverJudy. What a load unsympathetic crap you lot spout @1940s.

Bollss · 29/01/2021 21:52

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

He wasn’t hosting her, she’s his daughter and should have been able to call her dad’s house home and say when she liked.

Will you now want him to prioritise your joint child or do you think his new partner (when he gets one) should come first as you wanted to? I somehow predict you will want your child’s needs to come first.

If my dp had a further child with someone else id keep our joint child with me for as long as they needed because I know what it's like and I am not a COLLOSAL ARSEHOLE like some women apparently are. I wouldn't do it to another woman because I know what birth is like and I am fucking well better than that. Equally as much as I love my child the bloody world doesn't revolve around him and he knows that. Whoever is in the greatest need gets put first, and even if it was a woman I didn't really have owt to do with ie my childs step parent she's either pushed a baby out through her vagina or had a major operation and she would get put first.