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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Well we are finally getting divorced

126 replies

Londono · 26/01/2021 15:58

I'm a stepmother and DH and I, after a very up and down relationship, are getting divorced.

My DSD is now an adult but I am reflecting on the issues DH and I had in our first 10 years of our relationship which have played out across our broader relationship even when DSD went off to uni.

One of the things that is playing on my mind is how, when DS was a newborn baby and I had had an emergency c-section and lost a lot of blood - when I came home from hospital, young teen DSD was there for three weeks in a row. DH and his ex usually did week on/week off and with the half term being ours it meant we had her for three full weeks. I hadn't wanted this but DH had refused to change the arrangement.

There is obviously a huge amount more to the dynamic between the three of us and why DH and I are now splitting, but I'm just wondering if I was being unreasonable at the time? Now I'm older I think I clearly needed time to bond with my firstborn without always having to put DH and DSD first.

OP posts:
Justbecause88 · 26/01/2021 20:23

I hate all the “oh he already had kids” bullshit which gets rolled out. I had a traumatic birth also OP and my DSC came to stay for a week the day after I came out if hospital. I really really resented it. What is also funny is that their mother had a baby a few months before I did and we took DSC for 2 weeks after she had her (4th) baby so she could recover from her straight forward birth. I wasn’t given the same privilege despite being a first time mum, recovering from a traumatic birth and trying to navigate breastfeeding (not easy with teenagers around). Safe to say when we have another it won’t happen again.

bogoffmda · 26/01/2021 20:32

Op isn't your perception of this event wrong.

A child who lives one week on one week off is not being hosted in your home - this is her home. You did not see that as the case - she was at her home - did not need hosting - she was living in her own home.

riotlady · 26/01/2021 20:55

@bogoffmda

Op isn't your perception of this event wrong.

A child who lives one week on one week off is not being hosted in your home - this is her home. You did not see that as the case - she was at her home - did not need hosting - she was living in her own home.

Yeah, this is what I was going to say. To you it feels like having an outsider or a guest present, but to your stepdaughter she was just... being in her home.
Techway · 26/01/2021 21:17

DH's inability to consider my feelings and to compromise

Do you think this is why his 1st marriage broke down? Rather than be a 2nd wife or SM issue? I just wonder if the 2nd family dynamic shows up the issue more starkly.

I am sorry as any marriage failing is sad especially if children involved but I wish you good luck and hopefully an opportunity where you can prioritise your own needs.

Frazzled99 · 26/01/2021 21:49

@bogoffmda and @riotlady arr yes, only mothers are allowed to have their children stay with other family members when they've just given birth, but not step-mothers. They must be given the lowest priority position even if they nearly bled to death. Thanks for allowing us to perceive this clearly.

Magda72 · 26/01/2021 22:12

A child who lives one week on one week off is not being hosted in your home - this is her home. You did not see that as the case - she was at her home - did not need hosting - she was living in her own home.
Using that logic the dsd has two homes. That being the case why didn't her dm take her home on HER week to give op some rest!
Not enough eyerolls

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2021 22:14

What the people who insist a step mother shouldn't expect it to be any different to if all the children were hers because her male DP has kids fail to acknowledge is that the person whose needs are most paramount after the birth of a child is the mother. In that regard, it is simply not the same as if the parent of the SC was the mother. Yes, the kids exist too and cannot be totally excluded, compromises will need to be struck, but I think it is pretty brutal to decree that the person who has just given birth cannot expect any consideration in favour of prioritizing their SC, given that they are the person who is most in need of it at that time.

Even besides that, since this case also included a wider problem of OP being expected to take up the majority of domestic care for her SD, I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to feel he treated you poorly.

LouJ85 · 26/01/2021 22:30

Not unreasonable in the slightest. I'm due to give birth to mine and DP's first baby together in a few months time. I had a difficult time postnatally after my daughter, and I've asked that I have some time to adjust for a while after baby arrives before the kids stay with us. DP is completely fine with it and totally gets it.

LouJ85 · 26/01/2021 22:39

Harmony is the name of the game.

Surprisingly hard to create and maintain a sense of "harmony" when you're struggling with post natal depression and need some recovery time.

LouJ85 · 26/01/2021 22:51

[quote Frazzled99]**@bogoffmda* and @riotlady* arr yes, only mothers are allowed to have their children stay with other family members when they've just given birth, but not step-mothers. They must be given the lowest priority position even if they nearly bled to death. Thanks for allowing us to perceive this clearly.[/quote]

Unbelievable Confused

bogoffmda · 26/01/2021 22:56

At what part of that did i imply what you said frazzled.

There are obviously loads of other issues leading to this divorce and we know a few facts. The OPs words she was "hosting" her DSC who lived there 50% of the time.
My issue is that a child who is 50:50 is not being hosted by either family - sadly for them they have 2 homes. May be the adults should have planned better but OP was not hosting the child

LouJ85 · 26/01/2021 23:00

@Iyiyi

I don’t think having a step child around when you’ve just had a baby is the same as having your own child around and it is silly to suggest that it is. You only have to look at a few threads on this board to see the issues that manifest during SC time - (often to do with the DP/DH rather than children themselves, but anyway) and how powerless the step parent feels. Imagine those feelings but also you’ve just had a baby. Not nice.

This.

bogoffmda · 26/01/2021 23:00

By the way before it is said i am a mother, ex and SM.

When Exs new DP had their child, there were no issues with the DSCs being in the house - one was in hospital after major surgery and the other was with my family, organised by me, even though i was not allowed to know a due date!

Londono · 27/01/2021 09:50

Hello again all, I actually used the word 'hosting' consciously as that is how it always felt to me - rightly or wrongly - that I was hosting someone who needed to have everything done for them rather than pitch in the way I now expect my children of the same age to.

As with many of these threads, it was a DH issue, not a DSD issue who was actually a very normal young teenager - with all the emotions that come along with that - and is now a lovely woman who I will miss very much.

DSD no longer lives with us (as she is a fully grown adult with her own life) and our marriage has broken down because of DH and I - not her. I'm just analysing the dynamic and how long it has been going on and at what cost to me and what if anything I should have done differently. I feel it is important to me to understand what has happened to be able to accept the divorce and eventually move on.

OP posts:
Frazzled99 · 27/01/2021 09:54

OP it seems the majority here empathise with your situation, whether step mums or not. It's a passionate one for me as my first birth was the same, emergency section after 3 day labour. I went home to 5 and 7 year old SDs who constantly wanted to hold my colicky screaming baby. I hadn't slept in 4 days, couldn't walk or even lift my baby. I was broken. I was trying to breastfeed with a 5 year old staring at my boobs and asking 'why are your boobies floppier than mummys'. 2 years later that might sound funny and of course it wasn't her fault, but in my depressed, broken state it made me want to die. And maybe those posters who can't empathise with the SM here and only look at what's 'best for the SC' then do you think it's nice for them to see their SM who is normally so strong, caring and controlled ij that broken state? Of course not, a few days for the SM to recover and establish feeding will be a happier and calmer environment for everyone.

For my second birth, an elective section, 2 days before Halloween I told (yes told) DH that we would be swapping weekends so I could recover. He wasn't losing any contact days just switching days and I got told I'd ruined his Halloween. All because I gave birth 2 days prior. Bear in mind we'd had my SDs every year for Halloween and not once was I told I had made their Halloween great by doing all the decorations, party food, fancy dress and trick or treating.

And as for those shouting harmony, I van guarentee the majority of SMs go into their relationships hoping for this. We are not all 'the other woman' ... i found DH broken in a bar 2 months after his ex had left him for another man. I tried everything to get on even thinking we could be friends but was met with hostility and nastiness from day 1. Even having questions like 'why does mummy hate you so much'. Where I'd respond with 'mummy doesn't know me so must be confused'. The kinder I was to her children the nastier she was to me. So great, if harmony works for you. It doesn't for everyone. If me and DH split I put the blame solely at his and ex's door not mine or SDs.

Anyway rant over. OP go enjoy your life, free of toxic relationships, guilt and put ypurselg first every damn day. I'm a little jealous x

Leaninghouse · 27/01/2021 10:11

Absolutely you were not unreasonable. So many on this thread that haven't been in your shoes, makes me so angry

sassbott · 27/01/2021 10:19

@Londono if you feel like it/ it helps you, I would be legitimately interested to hear what other dynamics between you and your stbex lead to where you are.

I think the dynamics you are talking about are such a huge issue in marriages where children pre date a marriage. More people need to understand them and build not just coping strategies, but strategies to hopefully stop a relationship ending up where’s yours is.

If it’s any consolation, I was only with my ex for 5 years, no joint children as I’ve said before. I still find processing the end of it incredibly hard. Why? Because I could see the potential there. But what I couldn’t do was change his underlying behaviours and thought patterns around his children; so so myopic and unhealthy.

Even small shifts would have moved us forward. But it was not to be. Sad, (but I also have a huge amount of relief that I’m out of the situation).

What I can’t even begin to fathom is how to start again.

Bibidy · 27/01/2021 10:25

@bogoffmda

At what part of that did i imply what you said frazzled.

There are obviously loads of other issues leading to this divorce and we know a few facts. The OPs words she was "hosting" her DSC who lived there 50% of the time.
My issue is that a child who is 50:50 is not being hosted by either family - sadly for them they have 2 homes. May be the adults should have planned better but OP was not hosting the child

I wish this was the case but actually you do often find that stepchildren are treated like VIP guests by their parent, no matter how often they are in the home.

Life doesn't just continue as normal but with them there as well. Because they are not always there, all the not-so-fun things are reserved for the times when they're not around and the times they are present tend to revolve around them.

There's no way OP's ex insisted on having his daughter for those 3 weeks just so she could entertain herself and potter around the whole time - if he thought that would be the case then he would probably have said she'd be better of staying with her mum for those first few days.

LouJ85 · 27/01/2021 10:40

I was trying to breastfeed with a 5 year old staring at my boobs and asking 'why are your boobies floppier than mummys'. 2 years later that might sound funny and of course it wasn't her fault, but in my depressed, broken state it made me want to die.

This breaks my heart for you.
I know it's slightly different, but I had PND with my DD and struggled to breastfeed. The last thing I'll need this time round is to worry about a prepubescent teenage boy being around the place when I'm trying to establish breastfeeding (so I can't just comfortably get my boobs out anywhere and try to feed my baby), on top of probably battling poor MH in those early days. Luckily DP agrees.

Frazzled99 · 27/01/2021 10:54

@LouJ85

I was trying to breastfeed with a 5 year old staring at my boobs and asking 'why are your boobies floppier than mummys'. 2 years later that might sound funny and of course it wasn't her fault, but in my depressed, broken state it made me want to die.

This breaks my heart for you.
I know it's slightly different, but I had PND with my DD and struggled to breastfeed. The last thing I'll need this time round is to worry about a prepubescent teenage boy being around the place when I'm trying to establish breastfeeding (so I can't just comfortably get my boobs out anywhere and try to feed my baby), on top of probably battling poor MH in those early days. Luckily DP agrees.

@LouJ85 thank you. It did take all my willpower to not reply 'mummys were paid for'. But all jokes aside, it was a highly traumatic time and I was pretty desperate.

I hope things are better for you this time around. I've found the transition from 1-2 far easier than 0-1.

FrugalPear · 27/01/2021 12:09

I struggle with these posts because whilst I can sort of understand the point of 'dont have kids with someone who already has them if you want to spend lots of time on your own', I also hate the way such emotive language is used to manipulate the discussion into something so much more unreasonable sounding than it actually is. 'Sent away', 'shipped off' and so on...

It's not being 'sent away' to simply stay at your mother's house, your home, for a little while. You're not being shipped off to stay with a stranger or a relative you barely know, sleeping on a pull out bed whilst Dad and SM spend a week on their own. You're in your home. You aren't being sent away anywhere. People say it that way because it makes it sound worse than it is.

In reality, we've had lots of instances through the years where DSC have stayed at one house or another longer than they usually would due to various things. Family emergencies, illness, miscarriages (both me and their mum), births and so on... It really doesn't need to be some huge dramatic thing of 'shipping off the children', it's just life.

I agree that siblings will want to meet fairly soon and so I would hope that they'd be able to visit fairly soon, even if not staying over, but I don't think a few days to allow a woman to recover, especially from a traumatic birth, is unreasonable at all. There really are some occasions where an adults needs should be paramount.

You can talk about what happens in nuclear families all you like but in reality, blended families aren't that. The children have two homes, two parents and the availability to give a little flexibility when needed due to this. And it's also not true that this never happens in nuclear families. I went to my grans for a few days when my mum had a very traumatic birth. I wasn't shipped off, I'm not emotionally scarred or anything. My mum, an actual human woman with needs and feelings, needed some time to recover and to be looked after herself for once. It's hardly the end of the world.

I would always expect us to give flexibility like this to my DSCs Mum (and we have in the past) and I know she'd do exactly the same for us (as she has in the past). In fact she's doing so right now, I am in early labor right now, I was sent home in the night to progress here. We were supposed to be having the DSC and she has said absolutely she will keep them until baby comes so we don't risk having to rush them back to her in the middle of the night and so on. No drama, no anger, just grown ups working together and giving each other some flexibility and understanding. And because their mum is so understanding about this stuff and because they know their Dad and I love them too, they don't feel shipped off anywhere or sent away, they just know that right now something is happening at Daddies which means they need to stay with Mummy instead, no one bad mouths anyone and explains it to them properly and they are fine. We have done similar as I say the other way round in the past.

I really think the way people react to this stuff affects how the children then react themselves personally.

aSofaNearYou · 27/01/2021 12:18

Completely agree with your comment @FrugalPear, good luck with your labour!

Londono · 27/01/2021 12:52

Oooh @FrugalPear good luck! And I'm so glad your situation is being dealt with so well. @sassbott I may update the thread later with more info, this clearly is not what led to it, I'm just musing.

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 27/01/2021 13:55

That being the case why didn't her dm take her home on HER week to give op some rest!
I read it that it wasn't her week to be with her mum. They alternated holiday week and this week happened to fall between the two so turned into three weeks.

So this shouldn't have gone as a surprise for a start, and unless the baby came much easier was to be expected.

However much it is totally understandable that OP would have felt overwhelmed, the solution wasn't to pressurise the mum to have her when it wasn't her time.

What is not clear is whether OP insisted that her OH put pressure on the mum to have her and that was the only option or whether she just wanted to not have to do any chores, which indeed her OH should have mostly taken over and do everything for his eldest.

The latter expectation was totally reasonable, the former not.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 27/01/2021 14:04

@FrugalPear fantastic post.