Page 3 | Well we are finally getting divorced

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 26/01/2021 18:11

@Thislittlefinger123

The fact you are still resentful all these years later suggested you've struggled with not being put above your DSS, which if course you never would be. I love DH to bits but would never put his needs above our DCs (and neither would he in reverse).

Really? I can see certain situations where I'd absolutely prioritise DP over my children. Him being in/recently out of hospital being one of them. I expect my ex would agree and happily have the kids extra in that instance, even though their primary residence is with me. Anyone who always always puts kids first, even when another family member has more urgent/critical needs is just odd, in my books. Children are part of a wider family, not the centre of the universe.

funinthesun19 · 26/01/2021 18:15

Yes we have 4 DC together. He has 1 with his ex wife. They have a lot more stability now.

Original poster

Londono · 26/01/2021 18:16

Good, @funinthesun19. This transition period (which we are in) is awful but I'm hoping it will be for the best in the long run.

OP posts:

Iyiyi · 26/01/2021 18:17

I don’t think having a step child around when you’ve just had a baby is the same as having your own child around and it is silly to suggest that it is. You only have to look at a few threads on this board to see the issues that manifest during SC time - (often to do with the DP/DH rather than children themselves, but anyway) and how powerless the step parent feels. Imagine those feelings but also you’ve just had a baby. Not nice.

whenindoubtBake · 26/01/2021 18:22

@WhateverJudy

Honestly I don't think he was being unreasonable there. I'm always baffled by people who have babies with someone who already has children and then expect it to be like they have given birth to the first child of the family. When younger siblings are born the older children aren't sent away. Clearly it's more difficult for a first time mum who hasn't had a newborn baby before, but if you want there to be no other children around at home you need to have a baby with someone who doesn't already have children. Those children are part of your family and they are your baby's siblings. So they will be around. And a teen shouldn't be much hassle, not like having a toddler around.

I'm not a bitter first wife, before I get jumped on by step mothers! And I'm also not a step mum basher before I'm accused of that. I just can never get my head around the mindset of some of the step parents on MN and what their expectations of having a child with someone who already has kids are.

I totally agree with you.

Magda72 · 26/01/2021 18:25

EVERYTHING what @Youseethethingis said! FANTASTIC post!
And @1940s I had a horrendous birth (again an emergency c-section) with my last & was really unwell. My dm & pils regular took my older two for overnights for weeks afterwards, and I know plenty of people whose parents/siblings take the older kids for a few days/week after birth.
Historically other women & families would always have rallied round after a birth & shared the childcare/cooked food etc. - it's really not a big deal & it seems that it's only sdc who are going to be mentally scarred by not being glued to dad, sm & the new baby.
Three weeks of having no break from older children & your dh's focus being elsewhere after a rotten birthing experience IS however a big deal & it's no surprise that 14 years later it still weighs a little on op's mind.
Imo there was no need for the sdc to be there for 3 full weeks. Both times my dc's sm gave birth I held on to mine on my non contact time in order to give her some time to adjust. I didn't mind in the slightest - imo it's what you should do.

sassbott · 26/01/2021 18:29

Oh @Londono I’m so sorry to hear this.

What I get from your posts is how you can see the dynamic that was set from the get go, of your needs never being prioritised. Please ignore the posters and their pedantic rants of ‘you knew he had children you evil witch.’ Its nonsense. I had a c-section for my second and guess what? My eldest went and stayed with granny for a few days. It’s commonplace in so many families - such nonsense is spouted on SP threads.

I can understand entirely how that would fundamentally erode what is at the heart of an adult intimate relationship. I don’t believe any relationship can thrive where that persons needs don’t ever come first. We all need to believe (and know) that there are times when we will come first.

sassbott · 26/01/2021 18:32

I split up with my exp (not married and no joint DC) but I can tell you now, with no uncertainty when I realised that for this man, I would never come first. It was the beginning of the end and over time I just shut down, bit by bit.

No relationship can survive that

UsernameFail · 26/01/2021 18:36

Hello @Londono I had a similar experience to you. The difference being EXW took an unexpected 2 week holiday dumping DSD on my lap, and I say my lap because I too naively tried to absorb the role when it was DH's problem.

You were not being unreasonable to expect some alone time with your baby and you were perfectly entitled to request the time, just as 'first wives' had had their time with precious babies.

Original poster

Londono · 26/01/2021 18:40

@UsernameFail Yes to absorbing the workload - I would not do that again, there's a lot of things I would do differently now. I'm sorry it happened to you too, I'm sure mine was to test me too.

OP posts:

Magda72 · 26/01/2021 18:41

I would say that being a stepparent shaped the dynamic into one where my needs were not to be listened to and that played out long after DSD left home. I am looking at how it happened now I've seen how it ends.
@Londono this really resonates with me. I never married exdp & didn't have kids with him but I was with him for over 5 years. What you've said there is exactly how I felt in the relationship. The irony being that I was able to prioritise him on an equal footing with my dc. While he was very loving in many ways there was this assumption that my needs didn't really count; that I'd be ok no matter what.
One of the things that used to weigh on my mind a lot is that if I looked into the future (& he had asked me to marry him) & wondered what would happen if I had an accident or got sick I could see me getting no care or input from him because he'd ALWAYS be physically & financially running around after his dc & ew.
It was never going to change because the dynamic between the lot of them was very damaged & toxic despite exdp trying his best to effect a few changes.
I hope things get easier for you after a bit & that a weight is lifted.

Original poster

Londono · 26/01/2021 18:44

Thank you, @Magda72. It is all about dynamics, mutual respect and fairness. I think as the adult who wasn't the parent it was always me expected to compromise and DH got used to having a trump card that continued into other areas of possible friction that were not related at all to DSD. It is all very sad.

OP posts:

MrsBobDylan · 26/01/2021 18:52

He didn't listen to you or try to help you when you needed him to. It would have been fine for your SD to spend half term at her Mum's.

However, I would bet his first wife would be able to tell stories of how he didn't listen to her or help her when she needed it. People don't change and you are doing the right thing in moving on.

Tumblebugsjump · 26/01/2021 18:53

Not unreasonable at all, I know exactly how you felt. My husbands x wife unexpectedly dropped their two children off near our house which she has never done any other time, after our child was born. She definitely did it to mess things us as usually she was late with kids and refused any requests for them to attend on Dad's birthday etc. I was pissed off about it. Three weeks after you had just given birth was really unreasonable and she did it on purpose, your husband should have stood up to her. Sorry things haven't worked out, being a step parent is the hardest position to be in.

UsernameFail · 26/01/2021 18:53

I don't know if it's a test. I think these DHs are weak and we're trying to be good wives taking it all in our stride.

As lovely @Magda72 has said, any decent woman, knowing full well what bringing a first born involves let alone emergency surgery, would have kept her DC to give you time to find your feet.

Magda72 · 26/01/2021 18:53

@Londono I think that's a very observant insight.
The other thing that 'infected' our relationship was exdp's belief that his job took precedence over mine (right down to the division of domestic chores) because he was under so much financial pressure from exw & dc. He HAD to work longer & harder than me because his exw didn't, so I ended up taking care of EVERYTHING in our domestic lives (while working & being rp to my own dc) while he worked (12 hour days) to honour his ridiculously high maintenance payments & then spent his down time running around after his dc (who were all teens & young adults & who literally couldn't cross a road without him).
To say I ended up resentful is an understatement!

Newmama29 · 26/01/2021 19:21

I was just trying to give another point of view as a SC. As a teen it’s a very hard time to have your parents divorce & new families come into play, you aren’t always going to be rational & think maturely. Yes maybe at 15/16 I would understand if my dad sat me down, but at 13/14 it’s not the same level of thinking. It’s a constant balance on a knife’s edge trying to blend families & although I agree the needs of SM need to be considered, also do the feelings of the DD, especially when dad is having a new baby with a new wife. I say this as someone who has recently had a very traumatic birth & can completely understand the OP’s point of view, but I was also a SC as a teen & it’s a very delicate situation.

Seasaltyhair · 26/01/2021 19:31

I’m not going to say congratulations as I feel sorry when any relationship breaks down tbh ( not including abuse) it sounds like there has been a lot of history and this one thing still clings on to still give you bad feelings.

It’s a tricky one with her staying. I think for the majority of women it’s unnatural to be a care giver long term to someone else’s child, they are always the cuckoo in the nest unless there is a deep bond/friendship there. Add on to that that you don’t actually like them ( which is actually ok) and you don’t like how they are parented then it’s always going to fail.

It completely natural for you to want precious time alone with your new baby but he did already have a child before you were in the scene and it’s completely natural for him to not send his dd away. So I don’t think anyone is in the wrong - families don’t generally send their kids away when a new baby comes along.

God I would have loved some one to come and take mine when I brought a new baby home but in reality I wouldn’t have because they are my kids. And if some one would have asked me to send my kids away I would have said no. And I would have felt incredibly protective towards them.

Try and let it go. My ex let me down enormously at times when I was very ill and had to be admitted to hospital - it ate away at me for years. I was only able to get past it when I stopped loving him.

Good luck for your future OP

kalokagathos · 26/01/2021 19:33

@Londono

I'm a stepmother and DH and I, after a very up and down relationship, are getting divorced.

My DSD is now an adult but I am reflecting on the issues DH and I had in our first 10 years of our relationship which have played out across our broader relationship even when DSD went off to uni.

One of the things that is playing on my mind is how, when DS was a newborn baby and I had had an emergency c-section and lost a lot of blood - when I came home from hospital, young teen DSD was there for three weeks in a row. DH and his ex usually did week on/week off and with the half term being ours it meant we had her for three full weeks. I hadn't wanted this but DH had refused to change the arrangement.

There is obviously a huge amount more to the dynamic between the three of us and why DH and I are now splitting, but I'm just wondering if I was being unreasonable at the time? Now I'm older I think I clearly needed time to bond with my firstborn without always having to put DH and DSD first.

I too don't understand this at all. My DSD was also with us after I had my baby two weeks before Xmas (that was 12 years ago). Both her and I were bonding with this new family member. It was great. The two girls are on the best of terms now and my daughter calls my DSD's mum "mama Jen". Harmony is the name of the game.

sassbott · 26/01/2021 19:37

Oh FFS. Harmony? Not enough eye rolls for smug posts like this. And on a thread where clearly harmony has not been the outcome for the OP.

Why don’t you go and visit the PND board and tell some parents on there how ‘resiliency and kindness’ is at the heart of not suffering from PND.

Seasaltyhair · 26/01/2021 19:38

OP I’ve changed my mind. She wasn’t a small child she could have understood you needed to rest. It’s a shitty experience but do t let it gnaw away at you

Youseethethingis · 26/01/2021 19:40

God I would have loved some one to come and take mine when I brought a new baby home
So you can see where OP is coming from - this is good.
but in reality I wouldn’t have because they are my kids
The DSD is not OPs child.
And if some one would have asked me to send my kids away I would have said no
OP wanted to stick to the normal contact schedule, and the child would have been with her mother, not “sent” anywhere.
And I would have felt incredibly protective towards them
Over and above a partner who is mentally, physically and emotionally in a very vulnerable condition? That’s nice.

Seasaltyhair · 26/01/2021 19:40

kalokagathos I think your 12 year old calling your dh ex wife mama Jen is a bit weird tbh.

Sisterlove · 26/01/2021 19:49

we have got into a pattern where his needs are always prioritised and it has broken us

It sounds like it's more about him as a person, than the stepparent issue.

His behaviour means you would probably have found yourself here whether he had kids before or not. It's who he is.

Frazzled99 · 26/01/2021 19:55

@kalokagathos harmony!!! Oh, if only we'd known that was the answer all along none of us would be in this situation....love to mumma Jen.