Well we are finally getting divorced

[Londono]

I'm a stepmother and DH and I, after a very up and down relationship, are getting divorced.

My DSD is now an adult but I am reflecting on the issues DH and I had in our first 10 years of our relationship which have played out across our broader relationship even when DSD went off to uni.

One of the things that is playing on my mind is how, when DS was a newborn baby and I had had an emergency c-section and lost a lot of blood - when I came home from hospital, young teen DSD was there for three weeks in a row. DH and his ex usually did week on/week off and with the half term being ours it meant we had her for three full weeks. I hadn't wanted this but DH had refused to change the arrangement.

There is obviously a huge amount more to the dynamic between the three of us and why DH and I are now splitting, but I'm just wondering if I was being unreasonable at the time? Now I'm older I think I clearly needed time to bond with my firstborn without always having to put DH and DSD first.

And another thing that makes no sense with these comments about putting his DC first is that the DC would have been fine and safe and looked after at her mother's house. His wife, however, had just had a traumatic operation. So actually there was no competition here...the wife's need was greater. If the DC was being sent to a prison camp then maybe you might have a point.

As a SC I would be deeply hurt if my dad told me I couldn’t come home (because that’s what my dads house was to me, a second home) because my SM had a baby. It would of made me feel like I had been pushed out & that my dad now only had time for his “new family”. We see a lot of threads about these big, bad, Disney dads abandoning their kids when they have kids with their new wife so I think it’s nice that your DH included his DD & didn’t make her feel pushed out.

I would have been devastated to not have my SS home when I brought our newborn home. He stayed extra on our first week out of hospital and my husband left less than 3 hours after birth to go and pick him up because his mum was going off to do something so couldn't keep him. The thing is, that was all MY kind of perfect and something which had been discussed and agreed on between myself and my husband. It isn't the right or wrong thing to do, its what works for your family. Just how some families send the older sibling to grandparents for a few days and then some have a home birth just so the older sibling can be there. Communication is so so important and I'm so sorry for you OP that your wishes weren't respected and your husband wouldn't take your feelings into consideration. I hope you find much more happiness and peace from getting your divorce

@frazzledasarock I can't remember how it played out during those three weeks tbh, I'm sure he did more for DSD than he usually would.

I definitely did all the domestic work for DSD in usual times - which also meant I was the bad cop to his good cop which has not served me well at all.

One of the things I regret most is how much of the wife work I absorbed for him when I should have expected he step up.

Just to be clear, I wasn't expecting DSD not to come at all just for it not to have been for three weeks from the moment I stepped through the door with DS even her usual one week on/one week off would have been fine, it was almost like DH wanted to prove a point to me and to her by it suddenly being three weeks.

We also had a lot of visitors during that first week and that was too much for me too but we live and learn.

DSD, for what I remember, was not a problem during that time, it was just too much for me. And I think that is my issue now looking back, when I told DH something was too much, it was never respected or listened to (not this issue, lots of other completely non DSD related issues but same problem).

[quote Frazzled99]@1940s and I completely disagree! DH's ex had her baby and we had my step-daughters for 5 days post-birth for exactly that reason. So she could recover and bond with her baby. In step families, the children have two homes so any reasonable adults would see the mother could have a few days recovery whether that's the mother or step-mother. Not that my partners ex gave us the same curtosy as she booked a holiday when I gave birth so we didn't have a choice.[/quote]
Absolutely agree with this.

The option is there in stepfamilies for the kids to spend a few days at their other home while the family with the new baby adjusts, comes home from hospital and has some peace to recover and rest after what is usually a stressful ordeal.

Intacts families don't usually have that option - even though many older siblings DO go and stay with grandparents for a few days after a new birthday anyway?

Nobody is saying keep them away forever, but surely lots of new mothers would take the chance of a few days to recuperate if the option was there??

OP, when I had DD, my DSSs mum, who I never really spoke with, arranged herself to have them for a few weeks (we were 60/40, with us the 60), with them paying a few visits. She even took them out to buy a gift for DD. This is what good and understanding people do. Anyone saying 'what did you expect' is not good or understanding. It's irrelevant what would happen in a nucleus family. You are not one.

It would of made me feel like I had been pushed out & that my dad now only had time for his “new family”
If your teenage self would have felt that on one single occasion, having just had a traumatic birth, your SM needing a bit of space meant that your Dad was pushing you out, I’d be more concerned that it was part of a bigger pattern of behaviour from him.

Londono - I don't think you did anything wrong at all.

I also have stepchildren and I would not expect them to be there when I came home from hospital having given birth unless they lived with us full-time.

Tbh even if their usual weekend feel within a couple of days after me giving birth I'd expect it to be pushed back to the following weekend and I know my OH AND his ex would be totally on board with that. Not least because it's better for the kids as well to come when things are a little more settled.

Is there much point dwelling over this sort of thing now? Hope you're happier in your new life! 💐

You were a first time mum, you had an unplanned c-section. You deserved flexibility and support. It was not unreasonable to expect DH would focus on you and the baby (esp if you were unable to lift her) for a few days at the very least.

So yes, I think it was bad judgment on his part. Did you ever discuss it or was he just in denial or seeing any push back as an imagined rejection of his daughter?

@Newmama29

As a SC I would be deeply hurt if my dad told me I couldn’t come home (because that’s what my dads house was to me, a second home) because my SM had a baby. It would of made me feel like I had been pushed out & that my dad now only had time for his “new family”. We see a lot of threads about these big, bad, Disney dads abandoning their kids when they have kids with their new wife so I think it’s nice that your DH included his DD & didn’t make her feel pushed out.

But any good dad wouldn't let you feel this way and would make sure you didn't.

I know my OH would gently explain to his kids why their usual visit would be a few days later (NOT cancelled) - eg, because I'm not feeling too good after having the baby, and that the baby will be crying lots in the first few days due to needing to settle in so it wouldn't be much fun for them etc - but that we can't wait for them to come.

It wouldn't be a case of "You can't come anymore because the new baby is here now".

3 weeks is very excessive when it’s all in one go.

I have no doubts that if a mum with older children had a new baby with her partner and her first children were with their father/family members for a week so she could settle in and recover a bit nobody would bat an eyelid.

When it’s a stepmum, the stepchildren should be in the stepmum’s face 24/7.

I wouldn't say I'm dwelling, I'm looking at patterns of behaviour that have led us to where we are so I can understand. I think that is valuable, or I hope it will be. I definitely got things wrong too and I would do some things very differently now I'm older and wiser so I am reflecting on my own behaviour and actions too.

I would say that being a stepparent shaped the dynamic into one where my needs were not to be listened to and that played out long after DSD left home. I am looking at how it happened now I've seen how it ends.

Wrong. I had a PPH with my second and a hospital stay so my 3 year old stayed with grandparents until I'd physically recovered a bit and had had a chance to settle the new baby in. This is fairly common amongst my friends. I have no idea why it's seen as such an outrageous suggestion for a stepmother.

Whoops. That was supposed to be a response to someone stating that older siblings were never shipped off so the new baby and parents could bond.

@Newmama29 are you really saying that if as a teen both your parents had sat you down and explained that your step mum had lost a lot of blood during the birth therefore she needed just a few days to recover, that you would have had a problem with that even now?

"I think it’s nice that your DH included his DD & didn’t make her feel pushed out."
I'm sure it would have been nicer for the DD if the father actually looked after his own daughter and didn't leave all the grunt work to his wife.

Congratulations on your new life by the way OP!

I’ve done a lot of reflecting since splitting with my ex too. Much of that reflecting involves him, his ex and his eldest child. But the day to day life is brighter now that there are no new problems relating to any of them Well, ex is still a bit of a problem at times but he’s no longer ruining my life so that’s good. Here’s to both of our onwards and upwards!

I don’t think you’ve given the best example of an issue to highlight.

Clearly, as you say, it’s the tip of the iceberg, but by highlighting one incident most of us have had to deal with - i.e. post-pregnancy, a newborn and looking after existing children without the option of sending them off somewhere else - well, that’s life.

I’m quite honest with myself - I would never get involved with a man who has children.

I don’t have what it takes.

Of course you’re going to be relegated to second place much of the time. Of course that’s going to cause resentment.

Why wouldn’t it?

I do think too many people (of both sexes) go into relationships with parents, and acquire step-children, blithely or wilfully (naively?) ignoring the day-to-day realities of living with children who aren’t your own.

And then get hit in the face.

Thank you, @funinthesun19. I am hoping to feel a lot happier in time, it is all very raw at the moment though which I think is why I'm looking back so much so I can understand and get my head around everything.

I'm glad to hear your life is brighter

@TheOneLeggedJockey I was in love and thought that was enough, it turns out it wasn't! I wouldn't have got involved if I had realised what was entailed for me personally either but love is blind and by the time it isn't it felt too late.

It probably isn't a good example in my OP but I've posted it in the step parenting section so I can gather views because I'm interested in what women who know how situations like this can play out in blended families think of this. Happy to hear other views too.

Well it’s been over a year for me and I still reflect and feel hurt by things. The past can take a while to get over. I wouldn’t post on this board if things didn’t still bother me.

But yes, the new day to day life is so much better and I feel a lot happier and calmer. It was actually liberating when I could officially say none of that is part of my life anymore. I actually think I might need counselling to get over the past though. Not just stuff to do with stepparenting or his awful ex wife, but my bad relationship with him. So everything as a whole really!

I want to feel content and peaceful, that's all I'm aiming for. I'm having counselling now and if you can find the right person that you click with, I really recommend it. Do you have DC together?

@TheOneLeggedJockey

I don’t think you’ve given the best example of an issue to highlight.

Clearly, as you say, it’s the tip of the iceberg, but by highlighting one incident most of us have had to deal with - i.e. post-pregnancy, a newborn and looking after existing children without the option of sending them off somewhere else - well, that’s life.

I’m quite honest with myself - I would never get involved with a man who has children.

I don’t have what it takes.

Of course you’re going to be relegated to second place much of the time. Of course that’s going to cause resentment.

Why wouldn’t it?

I do think too many people (of both sexes) go into relationships with parents, and acquire step-children, blithely or wilfully (naively?) ignoring the day-to-day realities of living with children who aren’t your own.

And then get hit in the face.

Actually, no It's not an issue most of us all have to deal with and is mainly one only step-mums have. Having your FIRST child with other children there. The majority of women have their first child, return home with the newborn baby and recover from usually traumatic births and learn how to look after a newborn without the stress of other children. I've had two children and know that being a first time mum is completely different to having your second child.

Of course you’re going to be relegated to second place much of the time. Of course that’s going to cause resentment.

No, not “of course”. A person who decides never to put someone else’s needs above their children’s isn’t someone who’s ready for a relationship. There are plenty of parents who can balance the needs and wants of their partner or spouse and their children in a healthy way. Those are the people who manage to have happy blended families. People who think their children are the only thing that matter obviously make bad partners/spouses and bad parents. Those children will grow up, move out and be independent adults. The parents who refused to look beyond their children will end up miserable and alone.