Am I selfish

[Kiaya]

So, just thought it would be nice to know what other people thought about my situation, so I can maybe try and see things from an alternative point of view.
So I have just spoken to my partner, who has his son every weekend from Friday afternoon until Sunday 7pm. I have asked if it would be ok if we could only have his son one night and one day this weekend and maybe every couple of months do the same. I really appreciate that he needs to see his son but I work evenings in the week and he works days so we never get any time together and I don’t feel like we have a weekend. I understood he had a son when we first got together but it has only been since we lived together that he has had his son every weekend and all weekend. I don’t want to seem like the evil stepmother here and I appreciate the fact this is life but to be honest I am shattererd! With work and looking after his son every weekend I feel like I never get any time off. It’s always me that gets up with his son which I don’t mind but one day off a month would be lovely.
Am I just being selfish as my partner is not very happy about this and says I’m being very unreasonable by asking him to do this.

Don't have kids with him, he clearly can't be fucked with the child he already has, why will your child be any different. When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.

At the moment it’s like I’m doing all the work

Well, you have been doing all the work. He is pointing out that you will be doing it all when if you have children together so you might as well get used to it.

And you have done exactly that for five years. Wow.

I do hope your eyes are being opened. He won't be any different, good that he has shown you who he is before you have DC together. Think on, think deeply.

Be sure that he won't change, this is who he is and this is what he wants/expects. It's a pretty good deal for him, isn't it

I just don't see what it in it for you?

Yeah I don't think you should continue I the relationship.

He only had his son weekends when he moved in with you.
He doesn't do the 'childcare' when his son is with him
He has basically just told you it will only get worse if you have kids together.

Run op run

God OP, this really isn't great. You work all week, he expects you to cook, clean and get up with his child at the weekends and then has the audacity to ask what you will do when you have your own children??? Can I ask how old you are OP? At this stage you should be enjoying your child free years, not providing nanny, house cleaner and cooking services free of charge to a man who probably thinks he's an amazing father because he has his son every weekend which is only possible because of you.

This really has to stop or you're just going to build and build resentment. I've been with my bf for 2.5 yrs and could never imagine expecting him to lift a finger for my DS ever... my DS, my responsibility. Sounds like you need a very firm conversation and he either accepts it or I'd be advising a serious reconsideration of this relationship.

Your update is really sad.

For him to use your future kids with him as a stick to beat you with is outrageous behaviour.

I wasn't a good cook before I was a parent but it forced me to learn. He's a lazy fucker making you do it all and trapping you into domestic boredom when you should be enjoying the child-free years.

I bet if you split up then he wouldn't have his kids every weekend.

Does he actually like you? Sounds like a grade A user to me. You deserve more op

@Kiaya - my advice to you would be to read & read again (& again & again & again) your last update & really see what you've written.
This man has gone from living with his ex, his mum & now you & I bet in all these scenarios it was the woman in the situation doing the majority childcare, not to mention housework.

You are being used - it really is as simple as that. He has NO intention of parenting his son & he will have NO intention of parenting any children you have together - you will be expected to do everything & the minute you complain or protest he'll gaslight you.
Run.
I don't mean to sound harsh but with this much evidence as to his awful behaviour & parenting if you stay you really will have no one to blame but yourself for your life being crap - & crap it most certainly will be.

Yabu

The mum does the daily grind week in week out and you have them approx 8 nights per month in comparison. I'm sure she may resent you having all week to yourselves whilst she does all the parenting.

The problem is your DH. It's his child. He needs to parent. Stand up to him. He's another disney dad. He should be the one getting up.

How old are you?

How old is your partners Son? Is there any reason the mother of your partners Son doesn’t have her own child any weekends at all??

Yanbu tell him to get up in the morning to care for his child. The ds is his responsibility and not yours, he should realise that and respect it.

What a deadbeat, you fancy that? Why are your standards and expectations so low? Dreadful. Obviously don’t force another kid into existence to have that non-father inflicted on them, if you choose to do that you can’t whine at the inevitable, he shows you and openly tells you that if he impregnated you, he will not be parenting.

Your BF is lazy. This is a glimpse of your future with him. You're not selfish...your partner is and he's taking advantage of you.

Don't be a live in maid and childcare. The red flag was increasing his days when you started living together. It shows how he sees you.

I initially (after a few sentences of your post) thought you were out of order - you certainly are not. He's using you. Wake up and stop being used.

@Sisterlove

Your BF is lazy. This is a glimpse of your future with him. You're not selfish...your partner is and he's taking advantage of you.

Don't be a live in maid and childcare. The red flag was increasing his days when you started living together. It shows how he sees you.

I initially (after a few sentences of your post) thought you were out of order - you certainly are not. He's using you. Wake up and stop being used.

I agree with this and all the similar comments. I’m not sure your BF really wants the same life as you. His behaviour and justifications are dreadful. You deserve so much better. Please out yourself first for once, OP.

As long as there isn't a very important reason why he can't have the kids any less (such as mums job) I would say it's within your rights to ask to have a least one full day and night alone ever other weekend, how can you be happy never having any free time together alone?

In my experience alit of annual leave is used for yet childcare in the holidays so I don't think that's fair to tell you that's what you both need to do.

Suggest a free night once a fortnight and it would be interesting to know why this wouldn't work!

What changes can you make OP?

Maybe leave in the morning and go for a walk? Early shopping trip?
Your dp training you for your future is just awful to read.
I also think you are being used and being treated very badly.
Of course dp is going to protest. He has everything how he wants 100%
Can you be less available and not so quick to do all the graft? Dp must like to eat and sit in a tidy room wearing clean clothes, surely?
Keep posting. I really think it will help you.

I've just read your updates and this set up is incredibly unfair on both you and your partner's son.

He is a child and can't do anything about it... But you're an adult, you can.

Please, for both your sakes, stop being such a martyr.

So what if you're a light sleeper, just wake your partner up when his child wakes up.

If he's a bad cook, tell him to learn for God's sake... barring some SEN everyone can learn to make simple dishes.

And if you don't like cartoons, either compromise or send him to watch TV with his dad upstairs.

If you really want to be with your partner but can't (or won't) deal with these issues firmly and head on, I don't know what to suggest.

But stopping his son spending adequate time with his father isn't a fair answer... it's not his fault his father is a lazy arse... just please stop facilitating him.

Sorry, that reads as as far more judgemental than I intended...

I don't think you should try to limit your stepson time with his dad, but ultimately their relationship isn't your responsibility.

Please don't let him continue to walk all over you in terms of childcare though. Youu deserve a partner that appreciates you.

At the moment it’s like I’m doing all the work but for very little reward, I don’t want a medal but an occasional thank you

It's not like you're doing all the work. You ARE doing all the work and he doesn't appreciate it...not one tiny bit.

You have been given a gift here - You can see exactly what he's like as a parent. You don't need a crystal ball.

You don't get to be a heavy sleeper as a parent like your BF. He's taking the piss big time.

Why wasn't he having his DS for the weekend before you moved in together? I do wonder if his mum was doing all the work before.

I don't know how old you are, but I honestly wouldn't waste any more of your time with him. Life is too short to put up with this crap.

Havings kids with him will be a nightmare. His attitude shows he thinks the childcare is all your responsibility.

I'd start making your exit from this relationship as he's a lost cause.

You are not being unreasonable or selfish. You can try to get him to parent his child.
Tell him - I am having a break at weekends. I love your ds but he is YOUR child. I am having a lie in/nice bath/etc. You are getting up with him. I don't care if you are asleep, YOU will get up & do not come back & ask where/what/why for anything. He is cleaning up after his child. If you want to cook, fine but he clears up. And stick to it. Tell him this is a dealbreaker for your relationship.
If he carries on being selfish then you have 2 options:

1. Carry on being treated like the unpaid housekeeper, nanny, cleaner & paying half the bills for the privilege.
2. Leave & give yourself the chance to meet someone who will love & appreciate you.

Best of luck.

You need to have a proper conversation about this OP. Don't let him fob you off.

Your DSS doesn't need to come less often IF your boyfriend can start helping more while he's here. He can either learn to cook or take over the laundry or cleaning.

You need to explain to him that things need to change. You're happy to discuss different possible solutions - but SOMETHING needs to change as you're not happy with the current arrangement.

Stand up for yourself OP! Your boyfriend is a lazy arse and you're letting him get away with it.

Wow, so he basically only moved out of mummy's when he found another woman to look after the child he has no intention of parenting?

What will you do when you have your own child? Bwah haha - um, you'll parent that child just as you've shown you already happily do even for one not your own.

The question is, what will Mr Useless Non-Parent do when you walk and leave him to it? Run back to mummy, I imagine.

Dump him - he's a lazy misogynistic piece of shit. Don't have kids with him, he's already shown what a waste of skin parent he is.

Been there! Not quite as bad in that it was Saturday morning to Sunday night for me.

I didn't do all the cooking and cleaning but it still grated. My needs always came last.

We ended up splitting up and I never looked back. This isn't going to get better. Sorry.

your boyfriend can start helping more

Boyfriend does not need to start "helping" he needs to step up and start parenting his child OP really needs to step back.

I keep coming back to this thread, hoping that OP 's have been opened to the nature of the man she considers her boyfriend. He is very open that he considers childcare and household work to be her responsibility.

Let's not do this anymore, sisters.

I'm not a huge fan of those "why did you have children with him?" posts but the good thing they can do is act as a warning. Wake up. Read some of the threads where people have reproduced with manchildren. He isn't going to change.