Am I selfish

[Kiaya]

So, just thought it would be nice to know what other people thought about my situation, so I can maybe try and see things from an alternative point of view.
So I have just spoken to my partner, who has his son every weekend from Friday afternoon until Sunday 7pm. I have asked if it would be ok if we could only have his son one night and one day this weekend and maybe every couple of months do the same. I really appreciate that he needs to see his son but I work evenings in the week and he works days so we never get any time together and I don’t feel like we have a weekend. I understood he had a son when we first got together but it has only been since we lived together that he has had his son every weekend and all weekend. I don’t want to seem like the evil stepmother here and I appreciate the fact this is life but to be honest I am shattererd! With work and looking after his son every weekend I feel like I never get any time off. It’s always me that gets up with his son which I don’t mind but one day off a month would be lovely.
Am I just being selfish as my partner is not very happy about this and says I’m being very unreasonable by asking him to do this.

@Kiaya

I normally get up because my boyfriends a heavy sleeper and I’m a light sleeper so as soon as he comes in it wakes me up so I get up, either that or I’m already awake and I’m in the living room as sometimes I like to get up early and get all my washing done, have a clean up and sit on the sofa and catch up on tv I’ve missed during the week as I’ve been working, but obviously when his son comes in I have to turn that off and put cartoons on. I get that, kids are kids but I’m starting to resent that a bit. Also, I’m the one who cooks and cleans all weekend as my boyfriends cooking is awful. My boyfriend just says what will I do when we have our own children, trying to explain to him that that’s totally different as that child will be my responsibility and I’ll be able to have more of a say in how the child’s brought up is like talking to a wall! At the moment it’s like I’m doing all the work but for very little reward, I don’t want a medal but an occasional thank you or to be listened to when I say I would like a day at home without his son being here is like I’m asking for the world! Before we lived together he was at his mums and I was living with my friend so when he stayed at mine he didn’t bring his son. We have lived together for 5 years now and it seems like as soon as we moved in here that’s it, it’s just the norm to have his son every weekend and most of the school holidays. I get on well with my partners ex but I often feel envious of her when i see her Facebook posts about what she’s doing at the weekend and the school holidays.

If you have any children with him , you'll be looking after 2 children all weekend he won't 'help' (or parent) either child.

My boyfriend just says what will I do when we have our own children,

What you'll do is feel TOTALLY differently because that will be your own child. He's failing to understand that you have zero obligation to a child who is his, not yours. I agree with the majority of posters - sounds like a lazy useless father and you're the convenient nanny for both him and the mother. You deserve better OP.

You’ve done this for 5 years??! What a waste of space. The answer to ‘what will you do when it’s your children’ is a firm ‘I’ve decided I’d be an idiot to have a child with someone who’s a crappy dad already. So when it’s my children ill share the parenting with their father.’

@timeisnotaline

You’ve done this for 5 years??! What a waste of space. The answer to ‘what will you do when it’s your children’ is a firm ‘I’ve decided I’d be an idiot to have a child with someone who’s a crappy dad already. So when it’s my children ill share the parenting with their father.’

Wow I missed the part where she said she's been doing this for 5 years! Sod that. I wouldn't do it for 5 days, let alone years.

He sees you as free childcare... Sadly nothing more.

Ltb ASAP.

5 years of your life wasted on this relationship. 5 years you will not get back. Please don't waste anymore time with a selfish, lazy man who can't be bothered to parent his child and is as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Unless he has a personality transplant, he'll probably be even worse if you have kids...if it's possible to be worse than he is.

I do hope you aren't throwing away your fertile years with him. Do not get into the sunken cost fallacy trap here.

As others have said, Dad isn't really stepping up to the plate here but in other news....I can't comprehend why their mum never has a weekend with them out of their own desire? Like, she does all the mundane school routine with them but never wants the enjoyment of some weekend fun with them....I don't get why she wouldn't be asking to keep the child on at least some of a weekend once a month

@COS2102

As others have said, Dad isn't really stepping up to the plate here but in other news....I can't comprehend why their mum never has a weekend with them out of their own desire? Like, she does all the mundane school routine with them but never wants the enjoyment of some weekend fun with them....I don't get why she wouldn't be asking to keep the child on at least some of a weekend once a month

I had exactly the same thoughts. No way I'd want to be away from my DD every single weekend - that's why we do EOW instead. Unless she works every weekend and has week days off. But otherwise I can't see why as a mother you'd be happy with this.

Sounds like a Disney dad. Ex looks after during the week, OP during the weekend while he gets to do the fun parts.

How did this last weekend go OP? Did you manage to take a step back?

I think there will be challenges to doing so as everyone is used to you stepping up but it will be worth it to take that step back.

@Kiaya don’t have children with this man. He has shown himself to be a useless parent and you’ll be stuck doing even more work whilst he lies in bed and ‘can’t cook’

In defense of the mom, the mom has the child 5 out of 7 days each week. She manages all of the school time/ homework supervision time, school pick up and drop and drop off, weekday school activities, Drs appointments etc. The dad does not sound like someone who would be bothered to manage those things if he can't trouble himself to get up on a weekend to check on his child.

A ratio of 2 days as opposed to 5 is hardly unfair to the dad. The mom is sending the child to his father. It is the dad who is burdening the OP with his responsibility.

The child has a sorry father and OP has a sorry partner, but none of that is the fault of the mom. If OP wants to have time on her own, she should take control of her time and actions. She is asking her partner to free up her time rather than taking control and freeing herself.

The child cannot change his father but the OP is an adult with control of her own time and actions. She need not ask for free time; she can simply make and take the time that she needs.

The child has a sorry father and OP has a sorry partner, but none of that is the fault of the mom.

Who has said the father's shit parenting is the "fault of the mum"? What I was saying was, I can't fathom how mum would be happy with just the week days and the hard graft that goes with the school runs etc ... without any of the chilled, quality time on a weekend. I'd have personally hated that - I want quality time with my DD as well as doing the harder stuff. So unless mum works every weekend, all weekend, I'm struggling to see how she's content with never having her child on a weekend. But each to their own.

Maybe the mum is just glad to have a break at the end of 5 days and get a social life for herself.

@Sisterlove

Maybe the mum is just glad to have a break at the end of 5 days and get a social life for herself.

I really appreciate that he needs to see his son but I work evenings in the week and he works days so we never get any time together and I don’t feel like we have a weekend. I understood he had a son when we first got together but it has only been since we lived together that he has had his son every weekend and all weekend. I don’t want to seem like the evil stepmother here and I appreciate the fact this is life but to be honest I am shattererd! With work and looking after his son every weekend I feel like I never get any time off.

Yeah. Sounds like the OP would appreciate a break too. From looking after someone else's kid every single weekend.

get a social life for herself
Yes, that’s what weekends are for, but why is it that only the DM deserves a social life? And if it’s true that the both parents deserve one (and you’d have to justify it if only one does) then it’s also assumed that there are ways and means to have one which includes or works around your children while they are in your care and, that being the case, why doesn’t the DM want her children at the weekend? The best bit of the week?
Total aside, but the “poor struggling DM” slant doesn’t stack up.
And OP shouldn’t be the person lumbered in any case.

@Youseethethingis:
The mom is doing all of the heavy lifting. She has to do all of weekday tasks, chores, school activities. During the week that my kids are here, we have school, homework, medical appts , music lessons, and when it was not curtailed by the pandemic, we had sports and cheer practice after school. During that time we still managed to go out for dinner and have time during the week to have a family movie night.

So , it is a bit presumptuous to assume that the mom is not actively involved in social activities with her children.

The dad only has them for 28.7% of the week while the mom has them approximately 71% of the week. It is not the mom's responsibility to manage or negotiate her ex's social life or down town, and the mom is spending considerably more time managing and maintaining her children's life and activities than the father is doing.

The mom does not send her children to the OP. She sends her children to spend less than a third of their week with their father. If the father is passing his obligations on to his partner that conversation should require no mention of the mom.

The OP is asking her partner to give her some down time. The OP is not a child who needs to request permission to take time that she needs for herself. Perhaps her partner treats her like a child over whom he has control because she presents herself as a child who needs his permission.

The OP will liberate herself when she assumes control of her own time and actions.

You never need permission to control that which belongs to you, and her time certainly belongs to her.

OP start acting like an adult, and perhaps he will respect you as an adult. If not , leave him to manage his children on his time .

Yeah. Sounds like the OP would appreciate a break too. From looking after someone else's kid every single weekend

I don't disagree with this at all. I was just responding to pp asking why his mum doesn't want him on some weekends.

The issue lies squarely with the useless father and I can't figure why the OP has tolerated this nonsense for 5 years.

The man is a very lazy person and this is not the fault of the child's mother. He's gone from living with his mum, then, increasing his days when he moved in with the OP. His motives are clear- find a woman to share living costs with, who will look after my DS.

Get rid of him OP. You have a clear picture of your future of you have a child with him.

If you do and split up, he'll be after another woman to do what you're doing with your child.

The dating stage is relationship probation. He's failed miserably and you're still with him. Why?

Life's too short and you need to take control and responsibility for your happiness and don't let people (men or women) walk all over you.

Next thing he'll be on a night out and you'll be looking after his kid.

@Tiredoftattler

Great post at 00:02.

You said pretty much what I was getting at.

I don't see why posters are having a go at the DM - as socialising and fun time with kids doesn't only happen on weekends.

In normal times I took my kids out after school in the evenings sometimes. Restaurants, cinema...etc

If you stop getting up and doing his parenting for him, you'll probably get all the free weekends you like - because it sounds like he's far too lazy to be a hands-on dad very often.
Roll over in bed next weekend - and shout down, "I'll have a cup of tea seeing as you're up now.'
What's for lunch - whatever you bought, dear. Etc etc
Just make sure you don't have any children of your own with him.

where on earth is the relationship ... 🤔

OP this is no way to live 🌺

@Sisterlove it isn't 'having a go' at the mum...it is wondering why she doesn't miss having some weekend time with their child....of course you can do nice things after school but there is something wonderful about some uninterrupted weekend time with your own child/ren. That's all

I definitely wouldn’t be having children with this man.

I also don’t think DSS’s mum is unreasonable, as others have said she does most of the heavy lifting. And I’m sure she had him in the holidays, so she would get time with him. I don’t think either of the women here are to blame, as if OP’s partner actually stepped up then OP wouldn’t have to do so much, and could get a bit of a break on the weekend.

@Tiredoftattler
The parent who never sees their kids at the weekend will never be able to:

• take them to see grandparents a two hour drive away
• go for a day out
• spend a whole rainy day mooching about in pjs just playing with them
• go to family parties

Except during school holiday when hopefully that parent does manage to squeeze in some leisure time with the kids. Movie night once all the juggling of activities/homework/bedtime has been scheduled wouldn’t cut it for most mums I’m afraid. As always, you do you.

Actually I disagree with previous comments about the DM still spending quality time with the kids in the week... IF she has a full time job.
I barely see mine Monday - Friday and would be heartbroken to never have them at the weekend.

Even if mum is a SAHM I find it odd that she would never want them at the weekends. At most she’ll be getting an hour of quality fun time with a child of DSS’ age each day.
Say home for 3.30-3.45, homework done, dinner, bath and bed... doesn’t leave much time for the mum to enjoy their child.

If she works full time 9-5 then that evening play time will be non-existent.

At one point my ExH asked to have our DS every weekend... I firmly told him there was no way I was doing the daily grunt work without any of the weekend fun and niceties.

Also I don’t understand the whole “she needs time to socialise” idea for justifying her never wanting to spend time with her child at weekends. You tend to do more child focussed things at weekends when your kids are younger anyway?
It’s nice to have evenings off etc but I wouldn’t want to not have my child ever on a weekend.
I say that as a former single mum for 9 years.

I think both parents in this situation are being selfish to be honest. Dad should pick up some slack in the week, if there’s extra work to do in the evenings he can do when his son is in bed.

Mum should be having her son at least one weekend a month or she and DSS will be missing so much from their relationship.