Page 6 | Am I selfish

Kiaya · 2021-01-20T21:05:31+00:00

So, just thought it would be nice to know what other people thought about my situation, so I can maybe try and see things from an alternative point of view. So I have just spoken to my partner, who has his son every weekend from Friday afternoon until Sunday 7pm. I have asked if it would be ok if we could only have his son one night and one day this weekend and maybe every couple of months do the same. I really appreciate that he needs to see his son but I work evenings in the week and he works days so we never get any time together and I don’t feel like we have a weekend. I understood he had a son when we first got together but it has only been since we lived together that he has had his son every weekend and all weekend. I don’t want to seem like the evil stepmother here and I appreciate the fact this is life but to be honest I am shattererd! With work and looking after his son every weekend I feel like I never get any time off. It’s always me that gets up with his son which I don’t mind but one day off a month would be lovely. Am I just being selfish as my partner is not very happy about this and says I’m being very unreasonable by asking him to do this.

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SpongebobNoPants · 26/01/2021 08:29

My post is obviously referring to life outside of lockdown by the way, as I’m assuming this arrangement pre-dates that

LouJ85 · 26/01/2021 09:20

[quote COS2102]@Sisterlove it isn't 'having a go' at the mum...it is wondering why she doesn't miss having some weekend time with their child....of course you can do nice things after school but there is something wonderful about some uninterrupted weekend time with your own child/ren. That's all[/quote]

I don't see why posters are having a go at the DM

You took the words out of my mouth.
There's a difference between "having a go at" and wondering out loud why a situation is the way it is...

LouJ85 · 26/01/2021 09:21

It’s nice to have evenings off etc but I wouldn’t want to not have my child ever on a weekend.
I say that as a former single mum for 9 years.

Same. I say it as a former single mum for 8 years, too. No way I'd have let her Dad take her every single weekend.

Tiredoftattler · 26/01/2021 12:26

I guess a lot has to do with time management. I work full time and yet managed my schedule to engage in my children 's weekday social activities, take them to medical appts during the week, serve on the board at their school , and pre vivid have week day dinners out and go to after school sports and cheer activities. Our lives were controlled by the use of our time rather than the particular days of the week. A good parent is a good parent 24/7 and ineffective parent is. usually Ineffective 24/7. It would not matter which days this dad had his children, he would not be more involved on any of those days.

pictish · 26/01/2021 12:33

Oh jeezo fuck this.

Yeah it has all worked out well for him hasn’t it? Why wouldn’t you want to look after his son for him at the weekends...you’ve got a vagina have you not? Failing to see the problem here...maybe you’re just being a bitch.
That’s how he’s going to play it.

Good the fuck bye to him. He has shown his hand and you best leave.

Youseethethingis · 26/01/2021 12:36

That’s all wonderful but still not a lot of actual time just to be with your kids. I don’t know if I’d count medical appointments and watching them play sport as quality time together.
As you say though, the father in this scenario would likely be every bit as useless during the week so whether we personally think the best of family time is to be had at the weekend or in between the doctors appointments and board meetings is completely irrelevant.

SpongebobNoPants · 26/01/2021 13:09

@Tiredoftattler you worked full time yet still managed to do all of that on a regular basis?
I collect my kids at 6pm, dinner by 6.30/6.45, bath for 7/7.30 then my youngest is in bed straight after... my DD10 is in bed for 8.30, lights out at 9pm.
That’s a max of 1 hour a day with my eldest child, probably less than half an hour with youngest on weekdays and I think that’s pretty normal for a parent working full time 9-5 with a relatively short commute.

Sisterlove · 26/01/2021 16:17

Every family works differently and having her DS obviously works well for her.

It could be that the dad has said he can't do any weekdays and they decided 2 out of 14 nights wasn't sufficient time with his dad . Seeing one parent once in 2 weeks is not much, so the child's DM may have been prepared to sacrifice not having her DS at the weekends so their son could develop a relationship with his dad.

Either way this was agreed between the parents.

The significant thing is that he could only manage 1 day at the weekend before he moved in with the OP.

You'd have to know his mum to understand what their agreement was...all we know for sure is what the OP has said and it's clear she has a less than useless DP, who she should have left years ago, when he showed his true colours.

Bollss · 26/01/2021 18:07

@Tiredoftattler

I guess a lot has to do with time management. I work full time and yet managed my schedule to engage in my children 's weekday social activities, take them to medical appts during the week, serve on the board at their school , and pre vivid have week day dinners out and go to after school sports and cheer activities. Our lives were controlled by the use of our time rather than the particular days of the week. A good parent is a good parent 24/7 and ineffective parent is. usually Ineffective 24/7. It would not matter which days this dad had his children, he would not be more involved on any of those days.

How did you take them for days out after work? Did you just never do that?

SpongebobNoPants · 26/01/2021 19:24

@TrustTheGeneGenie it’s ok, TiredofTattler clearly has more hours in the day than the rest of us or her children when aged under 10 years old went to bed very very late

LouJ85 · 26/01/2021 19:24

How did you take them for days out after work?

I wondered this too. How do you have a nice day out with your child if you work mon-fri then send them to dad's every weekend....

Sisterlove · 26/01/2021 20:43

*The parent who never sees their kids at the weekend will never be able to:

take them to see grandparents a two hour drive away*

If the GPs live close, this is a non issue. Also, not all GPs are that involved.

I was easily able to due stuff with my DC during the week.

I recall some class parties after school on a Friday at primary age.

How do you have a nice day out with your child if you work mon-fri then send them to dad's every weekend..

A few examples
• Inset days
• Annual leave
• Flexible working patterns, including some WFH

As a nurse and some care work, it can be three 12 hour shifts a week and that's full time.

If you can do swimming lessons, Brownies, Athletics and all the other extra curricular activities in the week (pre pandemic), you can have an evening out with the kids during the week now and again. It's not that you do these treats or days out every single week.

I also recall some parents had different evening/bedtime routines and some are a bit more relaxed about it. It really depends on parenting styles.

There are also school holidays every 6 weeks. 3 x Half term, Easter, Summer etc.

Fudgsicles · 26/01/2021 21:14

This man is very clearly showing you who he is and what your perceived role in his life is. Listen to him, he's shouting it and you would be a fool to have a child with him. He doesn't parent the child he's already got and he won't parent any he has with you.

Fudgsicles · 26/01/2021 21:15

Oh look, many ways to point out that of course the poor mother needs every weekend free because there is ample quality time to spend with children during the week.

Meanwhile, back in the real world.....

SandyY2K · 26/01/2021 23:11

Oh look, many ways to point out that of course the poor mother needs every weekend free because there is ample quality time to spend with children during the week.

This thread is being derailed and focusing on the wrong issue. The DM is not the problem. It's the child's father.

It's not about how well some DMs manage their day and fit activities in during weekdays after school. It's about a dad who isn't parenting his child. Leaving his GF to do it for the last 5 years.

A dad who doesn't pull his weight in cooking and sleeps in.

A dad who seems to think childcare is all a woman's job.

Rather than go on about the DM and her need for a break or her social life or anything else...let's stick with the issue as anything else is a red herring.

Many separated families have an every weekend arrangement. It's really no great mystery.

OP, I hope you're still reading. Your DP is a crap dad and you have all the evidence you need to prove it. His ex is not a concern. He needs to step up and by you doing nothing, you're accepting the situation and his shirking his responsibility.

Try telling him you're going to stay with family for the next 4 weeks/weekends You can say you'll be having rapid covid tests to ensure you're negative, but you need a change of environment. How do you think he'll react?

Youseethethingis · 26/01/2021 23:13

*The parent who never sees their kids at the weekend will never be able to:

take them to see grandparents a two hour drive away*

If the GPs live close, this is a non issue. Also, not all GPs are that involved* Yes, well aware that my list was not exhaustive nor was it inclusive of every scenario. “My kids don’t have grandparents/ friends/ like going to the seaside blah blah blah so I don’t need to have them at weekends” Fine. It’s just an example of one thing we wouldn’t be able to do after school as DHs parents are a good two hour drive away if the weathers fine and traffic ok.

excelledyourself · 26/01/2021 23:31

@SandyY2K