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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I selfish

142 replies

Kiaya · 20/01/2021 21:05

So, just thought it would be nice to know what other people thought about my situation, so I can maybe try and see things from an alternative point of view.
So I have just spoken to my partner, who has his son every weekend from Friday afternoon until Sunday 7pm. I have asked if it would be ok if we could only have his son one night and one day this weekend and maybe every couple of months do the same. I really appreciate that he needs to see his son but I work evenings in the week and he works days so we never get any time together and I don’t feel like we have a weekend. I understood he had a son when we first got together but it has only been since we lived together that he has had his son every weekend and all weekend. I don’t want to seem like the evil stepmother here and I appreciate the fact this is life but to be honest I am shattererd! With work and looking after his son every weekend I feel like I never get any time off. It’s always me that gets up with his son which I don’t mind but one day off a month would be lovely.
Am I just being selfish as my partner is not very happy about this and says I’m being very unreasonable by asking him to do this.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Amanda87 · 20/01/2021 22:42

Not selfish at all, my friend!!!!
This isn't your job and honestly, if your partner doesn't want to have a weekend or anytime alone with you, that says a lot about your relationship. It sucks. You're not selfish, nor evil.
You reasonable and you need your partner to put you first!

marshmallowfluffy · 20/01/2021 22:43

He is very unreasonable not to get up with his son. You should be getting a lie in every weekend.

Meggymoo777 · 20/01/2021 22:44

@WINKINGatyourage

Because she is the one who ha stage issue with how much time they have together? Why wouldn’t she try changing her hours first?

I see what you're saying, I guess it depends on how long the relationship is and how invested OP is in it? It doesn't appear the OPs partner is bending over backwards to make more time for her though so I'd be slow to make changes in my own career to accommodate him just yet? By the sounds of things he could potential just fill up her new found free daytime with babysitting duties 😔

marshmallowfluffy · 20/01/2021 22:44

I wonder if he'd still have his son every weekend if you split up. It's very suspicious that contact changed as soon as you were around. 🤔

TheGoodEnoughWife · 20/01/2021 22:45

Agree with others. Stop getting up to his son. Take a giant step back.

You say you don't mind but you should! It is okay to mind! I suspect your partner expects you to be so accepting of his son that you show him by caring for son? Stop.

Lay in. Go out on your own. Be much less available. Will be interesting to see if he still wants his son every weekend.

Personally I would make lots of noises about how you don't want to get in the way of this important son time every weekend but also, tbh, I would dump him if he can't be bothered to parent his own child.

Love51 · 20/01/2021 22:46

As above.
But top tip for parents who want to see more of each other without the kids - that's what annual leave was made for! When mine were tiny we would take a day off and go out together a couple of days a year.

Of course the beauty with step children is that you say to the parent 'im having a lie in, you get up with your child, I'll be up late morning'. The annual leave is for time together (and works better when the country isn't in lockdown as you plan adventures - that are finished by childcare pick up time)

sassbott · 20/01/2021 22:47

No. Not selfish.
It’s clear the goalposts moved when you moved in, vs when dating and clearly he needed to make more of an effort.

Welcome to another man expecting his partners life to happily pivot around his child.

You’re not being remotely unreasonable, he however is taking the proverbial. In your shoes I’d move out tbh. Carry on dating by all means - he won’t have his kid every weekend on his own.

sassbott · 20/01/2021 22:48

And if he does. Fair play. You’ll find out pretty quickly whether you’re ready to move on.
If I was childfree I wouldn’t put up with this.

WINKINGatyourage · 20/01/2021 22:52

It doesn't appear the OPs partner is bending over backwards to make more time for her though so I'd be slow to make changes in my own career to accommodate him just yet?

Agree with this.

Meggymoo777 · 20/01/2021 22:57

@WINKINGatyourage

It doesn't appear the OPs partner is bending over backwards to make more time for her though so I'd be slow to make changes in my own career to accommodate him just yet?

Agree with this.

If OPs partner was parenting his son, genuinely short on free time, willing to consider adjusting his own schedule slightly and they were invested in a future together I would agree with your advice as well x Unfortunately, with the limited info given, it doesn't seem to be the case yet.

Catty1720 · 20/01/2021 22:59

I have two DSS. We had them pre covid every weekend. We’d work all week so they were always here for our days off. It never ever bothered me as I saw it as family time however I wasn’t doing all the work and I don’t think that’s helping you. It is hard when you have SC and your OH won’t realise that but I can see why he wouldn’t want to cut his time down with his child

AnnaSW1 · 20/01/2021 23:02

You can't ask him to see less of his child. Just tell him to get up to look after him.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 20/01/2021 23:03

Definitely stop getting up with his son every weekend. Let his dad do it, let his dad spend time with his son.

If he's awkward/shit about this, you shouldn't be with him. If he can't parent his son and is not respecting you, there's no relationship there.

FinallyHere · 20/01/2021 23:08

looking after his son every weekend I feel like I never get any time off

Let him have 121 time with his son, stay in bed. Simples.

funinthesun19 · 20/01/2021 23:15

STOP getting up with his child. Stop, stop, stop!!

He wants his child every weekend and then doesn’t even get up with him! Then has the cheek to have a go at you for wanting to change the arrangements a little bit. This is not acceptable one little bit.

If he wants his child there then he can bloody get up instead of trying to have the best of both worlds!! He doesn’t get to have that luxury.

Blendiful · 21/01/2021 00:24

I don’t think you ABU, having time together is important too, even parents together do that. So I think him changing it once a month is unreasonable to suggest if he is able to do this. He could maybe have him another week day or something to make up for this? So no lost time.

Both me and DP have DC each and none together. We both pitch in and help eachother but there is no way that if only my DC were here I would expect him to get up, and if it’s his DC here he’s expected to be the one to get up. If both we either both get up or do a fair share each. Tbf they are mostly older so don’t really require much doing for them. But DP has one younger child but I wouldn’t be getting up if only he was here and it is often known for DP to be downstairs with his youngest whilst I am still in bed, if he was expecting me to get up that would be a no, unless he was ill or unable for some other reason.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 21/01/2021 05:58

The arrangement doesn't sound fair on the children imo. Their mom didn't get any weekend rest time with them at all (unless she works weekends).
I wouldn't be happy at all not to have any weekend time. When was the arrangement changed to weekends and why? We're you consulted?
Honestly op don't do it. Go on strike. His child his problem. Have a lie in get him to cook dinner all weekend as its for evryone - lovely.
How old is dsc? Unless they live very near their mum n mates I can't see this being a sustainable relationship.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 21/01/2021 05:59

Typo.. Arrangment

SnuggyBuggy · 21/01/2021 07:37

Is this another example of a weekend Disney dad who can't wait to shack up with someone he can offload parenting to?

RedMarauder · 21/01/2021 09:06

Is this another example of a weekend Disney dad who can't wait to shack up with someone he can offload parenting to?

And a woman who thinks that acting like a doormat will mean that she will have a great relationship for life with both her SS and partner.

OP you need to put firm boundaries in place now if you want to continue with this relationship.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 21/01/2021 09:20

@Youseethethingis

So to summarise:

you are asking your partner to prioritise you and your relationship approximately 4-6 nights per year
he says this is unreasonable
he wants you to do all the work for his child that he’s so desperate to see so much of
he thinks this is reasonable

What a catch

Perfectly put.

As for “just take annual leave,” when DH was in the same position of having DSC every weekend pretty much all his annual leave was used up to cover school holidays, sick days and ad hoc emergencies so it’s really not easy to get much time together as a couple.

OP I’d be moving back out pronto.

Annasgirl · 21/01/2021 09:28

Oh OP,

I'm sorry to point it out (others have also pointed it out) buy your "DP" sees you as the unpaid nanny who also provides sex (and possibly a place to live and house his DC - did he move in to your place?). This is NOT a relationship. You have been sucked in (as it seems so many women on here are) to being his replacement "wife" to do all the wife work - because, well, he has a penis, so he can't do it.

Please, see that this is about more than his son, it is about his total lack of respect for you, and his use of you as a childminder (why on earth are you doing this - I would never get up with someone else's child every weekend while they had a lie-in , not even for my sisters).

BigusBumus · 21/01/2021 09:39

I've always found this situation a bit off (leaving aside the getting up with the child thing). Having a child every weekend, when you work all week means its very difficult to do adult things, whilst the other parent has every weekend off to do what they like. How is that fair? (Genuinely interested, not being deliberately goady).

RedMarauder · 21/01/2021 10:36

@BigusBumus I know a father who has his child every weekend because the child's mother works every weekend. This means that they don't have to pay for extra childcare.

evenBetter · 21/01/2021 10:39

Your boyfriend should have his child more often than just weekends, and the child is there to have contact with his father, not his fathers girlfriend. Boyfriend must do all of the parenting for his child, don’t accept being used as free childcare, or the guilt trips to try to force you.

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