Am I selfish

[Kiaya]

So, just thought it would be nice to know what other people thought about my situation, so I can maybe try and see things from an alternative point of view.
So I have just spoken to my partner, who has his son every weekend from Friday afternoon until Sunday 7pm. I have asked if it would be ok if we could only have his son one night and one day this weekend and maybe every couple of months do the same. I really appreciate that he needs to see his son but I work evenings in the week and he works days so we never get any time together and I don’t feel like we have a weekend. I understood he had a son when we first got together but it has only been since we lived together that he has had his son every weekend and all weekend. I don’t want to seem like the evil stepmother here and I appreciate the fact this is life but to be honest I am shattererd! With work and looking after his son every weekend I feel like I never get any time off. It’s always me that gets up with his son which I don’t mind but one day off a month would be lovely.
Am I just being selfish as my partner is not very happy about this and says I’m being very unreasonable by asking him to do this.

@BigusBumus DH's ex wanted weekends free to go stay with her DP as her DP couldn't cope with being under the same roof as 4 children for more than a few hours (not speculation - the ex told DH this).

It was fine for me to never have a weekend's peace though

@BigusBumus you're dead right.
My exh wanted to take the kids every weekend & I objected for two reasons.

1. I was the rp & while I spent time with my kids during the week it was not down time. They were in various stages of school, had lots of activities & I worked. I valued my weekends with them as much as I valued my weekends when they were at their dads.
2. every weekend also meant that he would constantly get to be the 'fun parent' while I was the getting everyone out the door/getting homework done parent & I thought it was very important for my dc to have fun with me too. I also think that exh's partner would have ended up doing a lot of the graft every weekend which would have been lovely for him but not so lovely for her or my dc. My exh was a weekend dad due to work & it was a disaster. He never expected me to weigh in but his teen dcs came to see him solely as a source of entertainment/cash, & their dm as a 'nag' they wanted to escape at the weekends. He did two full weekends a month & nearly every Saturday & Saturday night & even if dm suggested doing anything with them on the Sunday they'd refuse but get exp to do it on the Saturday. Imo ALL aspects of divorced parenting should be shared. Not everything can be done 50/50 but each parent should contribute towards finances, hard graft AND fun.

And @Kiaya I'm only going to reiterate what everyone else has said & I'm saying it from the pov of a dm not a sm.
Your dp & his ex are leading you a merry dance. She gets every weekend to herself and your dp has you doing the lions share at the weekend. You are basically free childcare for them both so put your foot down now for your self respect & your sanity.
My exh used to excuse me of being jealous if I pointed out his partner was doing too much for/with our dc. Nothing could have been further from the truth & to this day I am very grateful she is kind to them. But I honestly did not think it was her role to be 'minding' them when they were at their dads. I felt it was unfair on her & lazy of him & yes, she was doing it because like so many women she wanted to be seen as the perfect partner & nurturer. I'm not blaming her for that as it's a trap that we women still keep falling in to.

Accuse not excuse!

@Magda72 you're so right & I say that as a DM too!

To avoid confusion it was my EXP, not exh who was the weekend dad due to work!
Autocorrect in flying form today lol.

Why are you getting up with his child??

Stop getting up with his child. That's his responsibility not yours.

You're not selfish at all.

Your dp is selfish and having his son every weekend is shite at the best of times but more shit when he's not doing the childcare

We have my DSS three nights per week, one week it's during the week, the next it falls over the weekend. Every weekend sounds like a lot and a bit unfair on all parties tbh! Is there a reason why it's every weekend and not rotated?

Also, stop getting up with his child. I've lived with my partner and DSS for three years and can count on one hand the amount of times I've got up with him, and those were only when my partner was ill or just out of hospital. His child, his responsibility. We're a team, but the brunt of the parenting is always down to him.

Thank you for all your replies.
You are all right and I will stop doing most of the child care.
I asked my partner again if we could just have his son for one night this weekend, it worked out that we did not have him Friday night which made no difference to me as I was at work and then his mum dropped him round at 11am today so I didn’t really see the point as it’s still all weekend in my eyes. I don’t want to seem like I am slaying my partners ex as I appreciate she has him all week and that must be hard but I thought it was totally unreasonable or her to do that and also totally unreasonable if partner to not put my needs first for once.
I am resigning myself to the bedroom this weekend and staying out the way.
I’m sick of being the cook and the cleaner and getting no thanks for this and when I ask for something it’s like I’m asking for the world.

Do I and watch some nice box sets and eat some nice snacks and posh coff3e... Hope he realises!

Sounds like heaven, thank you x

Why do you get up with SC and not his dad?

What was the contact arrangement before you moved in together?

Did you answer these questions, apologies if I missed the answers.

I would be seriously reevaluating this relationship. Why you've taken over his childcare responsibilities is beyond me. Stop doing them completely, but be prepared to see a whole new side of your partner. He won't be happy when the unpaid nanny/housekeeper goes on strike.

I normally get up because my boyfriends a heavy sleeper and I’m a light sleeper so as soon as he comes in it wakes me up so I get up, either that or I’m already awake and I’m in the living room as sometimes I like to get up early and get all my washing done, have a clean up and sit on the sofa and catch up on tv I’ve missed during the week as I’ve been working, but obviously when his son comes in I have to turn that off and put cartoons on. I get that, kids are kids but I’m starting to resent that a bit. Also, I’m the one who cooks and cleans all weekend as my boyfriends cooking is awful. My boyfriend just says what will I do when we have our own children, trying to explain to him that that’s totally different as that child will be my responsibility and I’ll be able to have more of a say in how the child’s brought up is like talking to a wall! At the moment it’s like I’m doing all the work but for very little reward, I don’t want a medal but an occasional thank you or to be listened to when I say I would like a day at home without his son being here is like I’m asking for the world!
Before we lived together he was at his mums and I was living with my friend so when he stayed at mine he didn’t bring his son.
We have lived together for 5 years now and it seems like as soon as we moved in here that’s it, it’s just the norm to have his son every weekend and most of the school holidays.
I get on well with my partners ex but I often feel envious of her when i see her Facebook posts about what she’s doing at the weekend and the school holidays.

So you send his dc in to wake him up...

Do not get up tomorrow! Either say you're having a lie in, and watch your shows in bed on a phone / laptop, or send son upstairs to watch his cartoons with dad on phone / laptop. Why should it always be you who gives up what you want to do?

Also, I’m the one who cooks and cleans all weekend as my boyfriends cooking is awful. My boyfriend just says what will I do when we have our own children

I'd tell him he will be learning to cook and clean first or there will be no more children.

I’ve tried that numerous times, it doesn’t work and then his son gets upset thinking I don’t want him in the living room so he goes in his bedroom in a mood and then I feel guilty and go and get him

You sound really passive. You’re doing all the hard graft and your partner is enjoying his son’s company, your food and his sleep.

I wouldn’t just retreat to your bedroom, I’d be seriously re-evaluating this relationship as you are being used.

@Kiaya

I’ve tried that numerous times, it doesn’t work and then his son gets upset thinking I don’t want him in the living room so he goes in his bedroom in a mood and then I feel guilty and go and get him

So dad gets up with him. Don't give in on this. Why do you get up both days when you both have jobs? At the very least he should get up one day. Really both days as it's his precious time with his son.

There's so much going on here, it's hard to know where to start.

OK, so you are doing most of the house-work, cooking and childcare ... and when you raise the inequity of this, your partner effectively tells you this is good training for when you two have kids?

Bloody hell.

I know you've been together for 5 years, so I guess you like him but ... bloody hell.

No. No. No.

This is not good.

Send his dc in to wake his df and go to the shops.
Ultimately you need to force the issue. Do not have a dc with this frankly shit df..

Like I said earlier, you really need to reevaluate this relationship. Your partner has a built in free nanny and housekeeper. Just how he likes it, and you're allowing this nonsense to go on.

Do not have kids with this man. You need a partner who is going to share the parenting, not someone who has already told you that you'd basically be expected to do all child-related tasks if you had children together.