SD16’s DM insisting on overnight stays

[SpongebobNoPants]

My DP has 2 DDs, SD11 & SD16.
For the past 10 years contact has been a regular Weds evening for dinner and EOW.

Recently SD16 has said she doesn’t want to come to ours for the whole weekend anymore, she wants to do 1 night or maybe just hang out with us for the day then go home after dinner time.

We’re totally cool with this and are of the mindset that she’s old enough to decide now. She speaks to her dad everyday and FaceTimes almost daily, they have a good close relationship.

Also during lockdown both girls have been coming for dinner a couple of times in the week, coming with us to walk the dog etc as we live close by.
They can’t stay over in the week because DP works nights.

However, her DM has thrown a fit over this and says we have to force SD to come because “she needs a break”. I’m sympathetic towards this as lockdown is hard and teenagers can be moody etc but I think forcing a 16yo to still have full EOW contact is a bit ridiculous.

Once lockdown restrictions are eased DP has said that even if SD16 decides not to stay her overnight he’ll do all the running around for her on what would be our normal contact weekend i.e. picking up / dropping off at friend’s houses etc. so his ex doesn’t have to.

SD12 will still be coming here as per the usual schedule.

I just think it’s a bit unfair for their DM to try and force SD16 to come to ours if she doesn’t want to? She’s pretty self sufficient, she cooks and cleans and washes her own clothes.

DM has said they should now come for 1 night every weekend instead which we can’t accommodate as DP’s shifts means he works on the weekends he doesn’t have his DDs.

So them coming every weekend for 1 night will only benefit DM as the girls won’t see their dad anyway.
I’m also unwilling to look after my SDs to give their mum a break on the 2 weekends my DS isn’t here (he goes to his dads) as that’s my downtime and I work full time, their DM doesn’t work either.

We’re not sure how to approach it? Should we force SD16 to stay here both nights if she doesn’t want to? Won’t that cause resentment?

At 16 it’s really up to SD where she stays. She doesn’t need babysat so her mum is still getting a break when she is there. She doesn’t need her mums permission to be at home.

I would stay out of it and let your partner handle things between his ex and his daughter. Ultimately, this is really between his daughter and her mum. I agree that at 16 she should be able to decide for herself. I would also make it crystal clear that you will not be looking after his kids on the nights he's not at home.

I think DM is being a bit unreasonable here too.
Has SD given any reason why she wants to be at Mums rather than your house?

Maybe DM wants some privacy? It doesn’t sound unreasonable to expect her father to have her EOW, especially if she’s self-sufficient.

DM isn’t a full time parent, parenting is shared. 16 year olds don’t normally get to decide their own living arrangements

Does the dm have a bf she wants round?

@YouBoughtMeAWall I agree with you. But apparently she does need permission to be at her mum’s as her DM is saying no.

We’ve had it recently where SD16 had forgotten something and we took her back to her mum’s to collect it and her mum wouldn’t let her over the threshold to get it. She made her wait on the doorstep and brought it to her.

Her mom wants a sex life without her daughter around?

@Santaiscovidfree she’s had a bf for a couple of years now. He has his own place so I’m not sure why she doesn’t just leave SD16 at home on her own and stay at his if she wants alone time with him? SD16 is old enough to be left alone for a night

Perhaps because her mother would like a break from full time responsibility? Just because she isn't a small child doesn't mean it's all straightforward.

@catonmylapcantmove I get that. I really do, but would you force a 16yo out of the house against her will? I don’t want DP to have to drag her here either

She’s 16 and can make her own decisions. Not sure why her mum gets so involved in contact arrangements. We all may want a night alone from the people we live with, doesn’t mean we get it. DSD sounds quite self sufficient.

@Beamur usually it’s because she has her own social life and just wants to chill out in her own room. My kids are younger and up earlier for example, SD16 likes to sleep in until early afternoon. Probably just normal teenage stuff.
She’s happy coming here and still wants to come for dinner and walks with us etc.
I think it’s just normal teenage stuff. I would have thought at her age she should just be able to come and go as she pleases.

I have no problem with SD16 staying over in the week because she’s self sufficient and have told her she’s welcome any time. SD12 is different because her staying out of contact time would mean I’m responsible for looking after her so I don’t agree to that.

Maybe the stepdaughter is being a little shit at home and she needs a rest from it?

Maybe she is into swinging?

Maybe she just wants a set routine rather than a loosy goosy feel free to stay at your moms come to us for the fun stuff kind of arrangement

Maybe she has just had enough

I guess it depends on how much he has simply said 'yes fine' and essentially passed responsibility back to her mother. Or whether he encouraged her to stay / explored why etc. Did he speak to her mother first and discuss it or just default assume she would?

Possibly the overwhelm of lockdown making it seem far worse as her mother may just be desperate for a bit of space.

I have a 16 year old and even going away and leaving her overnight in the house at mine to go to my boyfriends I wouldnt be able to chill out the same as having no responsibility. If something happened in the house or she had a party it's me who would go. Nah my 16 year old isnt staying in the house alone. Our sex life is practically non existent unless my 16 year old is away overnight but that doesnt happen now due to lock down so I completely understand. I'd just say to the 16 year old until she moves into her own place she needs to stay where he parents decide and every second weekends at yours. I'd be interested why she doesnt want to stay at yours if you are all close and live locally and trying to resolve what the issue is to make her more comfortable.

@Theunamedcat maybe all of the above, I’m not sure.
So how would you tackle this? Do you think we should force her to come?

I'd be interested why she doesnt want to stay at yours if you are all close and live locally and trying to resolve what the issue is to make her more comfortable

She just said she likes being in her own room at her mum’s house, there’s not much else to it. She’s got a huge flat screen TV and all of her stuff there and it’s her main residence so probably just feels more like home?
My DS loves going to his dad’s house but very much sees my house as “home”. It’s nothing sinister, it’s just a difference between RP and NRP homes I guess.

@Scbchl ahhh see I find that a bit odd. At 16 my parents (and a lot of my friend’s parents) would go away on business trips and holidays and leave the teenagers at home alone.
It seems strange to me that a 16yo couldn’t be trusted for 1 night.

Actually thinking about it she did leave SD16 for a night a few months back to go and stay in a hotel and DP was on call to check on her and be available if SD needed him.
So I’m not sure what has changed

She is 16 so she isnt a baby surely it isnt a case of forcing her to stay. Just saying "look I appreciate you would rather be at your mums however lockdowns hard on us all and your mum just needs a bit of time to herself so you need to stay here and think it how she is feeling and respect her request" end of convo. It's all very well her wanting her huge flatscreen etc but her mum wants her children to stay some nights with their other parent and that trumps the 16 year olds wants.

Of course you shouldn't be "forcing her" to come - you are quite right that she is old enough to know her own mind.

It sounds like her mum is being very selfish, and you don't need to facilitate that by ganging up with her against SD.

Your DP and you need to make it very clear to both SDs that they are always welcome and loved in your home. 16yo may seem very mature and self-sufficient but can still be damaged by this. You are coming very close to the line in the Adrian Mole book about "arguing about which of them doesn't get custody of Adrian" - she needs to feel safe, loved and a sense of belonging and she needs that way more than any of the grownups need a break/downtime.

Ideally the existing EOW and weekday dinner should carry on, with SD perfectly free to go back to her mum's any time she wants. If her mum won't let her do that then your door always needs to be open to SD, but it is OK to be pissed off at her mum about it.

If you are around my age (35) then things are completely different to when we were young due to social media. As an example, my daughters best friend had a party last year for a small close group of friends and one posted it on snapchat within an hour over 50 kids turned up and pushed in and things got broken, doors got smashed. Not a chance would I risk that. Also I wouldnt relax as much knowing she was at home compared to safe at her dads.

Imo why should /would you risk tor your relationship with dsd to appease her dm?

I’d be telling the DM it’s up to her to explain to her daughter that she doesn’t want her around those nights and not get involved any further to be honest.

Sounds like the mum wants her bf round so they can spend time together at her house. Fair enough.

Perhaps a compromise would be for the daughter to stay every second week instead of every week?

But up to your DH to arrange. Perhaps he could ask if she had more things at yours would she want to stay more, with a view to getting a few more bits to make her more comfortable when she’s there?

Agree that weekends are a no-no if he is not there as you need free time too.

@Santaiscovidfree eh because that's their contact time and it's up to dm whether she is happy to give her time up when the kids are suppose to be with their dad. No one gets to call the shots on what dm decides about her house, not a 16 year old child or the op and her ex. They cant say yes she can stay at her mums when it's meant to be overnight contact with her father when the mums said no. A teenagers desire for their tv and a lie in does not come up above her mother's desire for her own space when the children are suppose to be with their father.