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Original poster

SD16’s DM insisting on overnight stays

150 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 12/01/2021 12:41

My DP has 2 DDs, SD11 & SD16.
For the past 10 years contact has been a regular Weds evening for dinner and EOW.

Recently SD16 has said she doesn’t want to come to ours for the whole weekend anymore, she wants to do 1 night or maybe just hang out with us for the day then go home after dinner time.

We’re totally cool with this and are of the mindset that she’s old enough to decide now. She speaks to her dad everyday and FaceTimes almost daily, they have a good close relationship.

Also during lockdown both girls have been coming for dinner a couple of times in the week, coming with us to walk the dog etc as we live close by.
They can’t stay over in the week because DP works nights.

However, her DM has thrown a fit over this and says we have to force SD to come because “she needs a break”. I’m sympathetic towards this as lockdown is hard and teenagers can be moody etc but I think forcing a 16yo to still have full EOW contact is a bit ridiculous.

Once lockdown restrictions are eased DP has said that even if SD16 decides not to stay her overnight he’ll do all the running around for her on what would be our normal contact weekend i.e. picking up / dropping off at friend’s houses etc. so his ex doesn’t have to.

SD12 will still be coming here as per the usual schedule.

I just think it’s a bit unfair for their DM to try and force SD16 to come to ours if she doesn’t want to? She’s pretty self sufficient, she cooks and cleans and washes her own clothes.

DM has said they should now come for 1 night every weekend instead which we can’t accommodate as DP’s shifts means he works on the weekends he doesn’t have his DDs.

So them coming every weekend for 1 night will only benefit DM as the girls won’t see their dad anyway.
I’m also unwilling to look after my SDs to give their mum a break on the 2 weekends my DS isn’t here (he goes to his dads) as that’s my downtime and I work full time, their DM doesn’t work either.

We’re not sure how to approach it? Should we force SD16 to stay here both nights if she doesn’t want to? Won’t that cause resentment?

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 12/01/2021 14:48

Home should be the place where I live and am always welcome.

And OP's DSD has made it loud and clear that her mother's house is where she wants that place to be. She's said she is happy to stay alone there overnight, and it's an age appropriate decision for her to make.

marshmallowfluffy · 12/01/2021 14:48

Yanbu not to look after the girls on your own.

Mum and Dad are nbu- I would like a break from my teens (no school and little socialising going on and even self sufficient teens make mess, squabble with siblings...) so sympathise with the mum. But how is Dad supposed to force her to stay? She's not a toddler who can be picked up and restrained into a car seat and I'd be worried about he running away or something.

Has dsd explained why? My 17yo doesn't stay overnight at her Dad's as she works weekends and wants to lie in (his house is about 45 minutes away from work where as mine is less than 10 mins walk)

MyCatHatesEverybody · 12/01/2021 14:49

Equally, she wouldn't be be doing the bulk of the tedious shit by herself.

Actually as a SAHP with a working spouse, she probably would.

AnneElliott · 12/01/2021 14:50

I think the DM is unreasonable. At 16 it's up to her I think on seeing her dad. And how much trouble can she actually be to her DM? I hardly see my teenager on a weekend!! And I don't think you should be looking after your SD if her dads not there!

Theforest · 12/01/2021 14:54

I'd leave her to sort it out with her mum and not get involved.

NoSquirrels · 12/01/2021 14:58

This is a conversation the 16-year-old’s parents need to have (individually) with her.

Her DM needs to explain to her DD why it’s so important to her to have EOW without her sleeping at home sometimes, and her DF has to have a chat and impress on her that he really would love her still to stay over, won’t restrict her freedom, and find out why she would prefer to be at home - if there’s some simple adjustment you could make that she hasn’t mentioned.

If you live close by to each other, I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable to say the 16 year old should stay EOW at the moment. It’s pretty intense with teens and lockdown right now - perhaps in 6 months her mother will feel a bit mellower.

I’d be wondering what her DM’s plans are when DD16 is 18 - will she still be welcome to live at home, is she intending to go to uni etc and if so what will holidays look like then?

AlternativePerspective · 12/01/2021 15:00

Anyone who thinks you can force a 16 year old to stay where you want them to presumably doesn’t have a 16 year old.

Her mother’s house is just as much her home as it is her mother’s. Her mother in fact doesn’t have the right to dictate to her when it is and when it isn’t her home, and the truth is that if this was a residency case where the father wanted to force the children to come and spend nights with him, the courts would make their judgement based on the 16 year old’s preference.

It’s actually quite common for teenagers to change from the rigid contact schedule at this point anyway, and no, I don’t think the mother has the right to dictate when the child should get out so she can have privacy.

I would love to suggest to the mother that maybe it would be better if the kids came to live with you full-time, given she doesn’t want them around, but obviously I wouldn’t really do that. But if she’s not careful and insists on driving the kids away that’s precisely what might happen. Be careful what you wish for and all that.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 12/01/2021 15:07

@Theforest we are happy either way but we don’t want to have tell her she has no choice because we’re happy to give her the choice

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 12/01/2021 15:10

OP you shouldn't be telling her she has no choice unless your DP doesn't want a relationship with is DD when she is 18+.

Unfortunately, that's what those who have never been a step-child are telling you.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 12/01/2021 15:10

I’d be wondering what her DM’s plans are when DD16 is 18 - will she still be welcome to live at home, is she intending to go to uni etc and if so what will holidays look like then?

She won’t be going to uni, she’s not very academic so I’m not sure what the future holds with regards to that to be honest.
She’ll always be welcome at ours though

OP posts:
Witchymclovely · 12/01/2021 15:51

It’s her choice. Understandably BM needs a break but SD is seeing her D first and foremost it’s not a baby sitting service.

Pinkyxx · 12/01/2021 16:16

I can't imagine a situation where I'd say to my child, no sorry you cannot be at home. Home is home... However, my child lives with me 90% + of the time so it follows. If you asked my child to characterize her Dad's house, she would not call it a 2nd home it's a place where she spends time with her Dad. While ideally in a blended family the same benefits of a nuclear family would be available but I don't believe it's realistic to expect. Blended families simply don't function like nuclear families. Blending is the art of sharing and a fluid set up (nice as it would be) where everyone comes and goes as they please just isn't practical for most of us. There generally has to be some structure to ensure everyone can live their lives. I don't read the children aren't welcome per OP, quite the contrary. Another point, is that OP may not have the luxury of simply flexing her schedule or that of her children at the behest of SD's Mum wanting a break. Where's my break?? lol

@SpongebobNoPants This is bizarre at best to suggest.. I think your SD's Mum needs to deal with this with her daughters not expect the 2 households to gang up and ''impose'' this on a 12 & 16 year old. They are both old enough to have a voice and the issue is between Mum and child so really would be best resolved there.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 12/01/2021 16:21

Another point, is that OP may not have the luxury of simply flexing her schedule or that of her children at the behest of SD's Mum wanting a break. Where's my break?? lol

And where’s mine? Grin

OP posts:
Pinkyxx · 12/01/2021 16:25

@SpongebobNoPants if you find it can you let me know so I can look for mine Grin

alterego2 · 12/01/2021 16:32

@Youseethethingis

I’d be telling the DM it’s up to her to explain to her daughter that she doesn’t want her around those nights and not get involved any further to be honest.
I'm with this. It's her mother who doesn't want her to go home, so she needs to enforce that - not you.
MrsDoctorDear · 12/01/2021 17:48

My DD stopped staying at her dad's by then. She'd go round for tea once a week but couldn't wait to get back home to be with her mates.

No reflection on her dad but she grew out of it.
I couldn't make her even if I wanted too.
It was up to her not me.

Leave this up to DSD and her mum to sort out.

HOS8595 · 12/01/2021 19:07

I don’t think the mum is wrong. She may want a break considering your DH has the kids only 2 out of 14 nights

I wouldn’t leave a 16 year old in the house overnight alone either so I don’t think the go to the bf house idea would work. She may want some alone time with her BF.

If the mum doesn’t agree then your DH needs to say that.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 12/01/2021 19:14

@HOS8595 she’s left her before so I’m not sure why it’s an issue now.

Can I ask why you wouldn’t leave a 16yo on their own for the night? What is your concern?

OP posts:
HOS8595 · 12/01/2021 19:26

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@HOS8595 she’s left her before so I’m not sure why it’s an issue now.

Can I ask why you wouldn’t leave a 16yo on their own for the night? What is your concern?[/quote]
You said she left her once ... it could of been a special occasion which is why she done it and not something she wants to do regularly.

She’s still a child at 16. Your DH doesn’t do much parenting as it is with his 4 nights a month so he could explain to her that the mum needs a break and she still has to come over as that’s her mums wishes.

Any fall out from that pass back to the mum and she can explain.

Songbird232018 · 12/01/2021 20:21

Also my partner works full time nights and I don't have his children here to stay when he's not here (with e learning I have been ok with a few nights when they have been here for tea and back after school the following day) but as a few general rule no dad no sleepovers

RedMarauder · 12/01/2021 20:28

HOS8595 you have really low expectations of teenagers.

Is every single one you know that irresponsible?

Anyway, it is for the teen's mother to explain why she should go to her dad's.

segadone · 12/01/2021 20:41

@Scbchl at 14 I was being left alone for the night and at 16 my Mum was on short holidays without me. (My sister would come and stay 3/7 nights that Mum was away). OP's SD sounds responsible. Some people trust their kids and set reasonable limits that their children abide to. A 16 year old should be sharp enough to not have an open invite party while their parents are away.

Frankola · 12/01/2021 21:07

At 16 its her decision. Not her mums.

My sd is 17 and comes and goes to ours as she pleases, sorting it with us and then telling her mum.

Contact with sds dad is NOT to give mum a break. I think she's missing the point of contact being to maintain a relationship between child and parent Angry

At 16, how much does her mum really need a break? My sd is so easy to look after when she's here. It's not like she's a toddler or something.

My sds mum regularly leaves her overnight at that age. We always ask if she wants to come to us. Sometimes she does and other times she wants to enjoy the independence of a night with friends etc and her mum not there!

HOS8595 · 12/01/2021 22:02

@RedMarauder

HOS8595 you have really low expectations of teenagers.

Is every single one you know that irresponsible?

Anyway, it is for the teen's mother to explain why she should go to her dad's.

Yawn. Bore off.
Theunamedcat · 12/01/2021 22:57

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@HOS8595 she’s left her before so I’m not sure why it’s an issue now.

Can I ask why you wouldn’t leave a 16yo on their own for the night? What is your concern?[/quote]
What did she do when she was left alone before?

My friends son set fire to his bedroom carpet