SD16’s DM insisting on overnight stays

[SpongebobNoPants]

My DP has 2 DDs, SD11 & SD16.
For the past 10 years contact has been a regular Weds evening for dinner and EOW.

Recently SD16 has said she doesn’t want to come to ours for the whole weekend anymore, she wants to do 1 night or maybe just hang out with us for the day then go home after dinner time.

We’re totally cool with this and are of the mindset that she’s old enough to decide now. She speaks to her dad everyday and FaceTimes almost daily, they have a good close relationship.

Also during lockdown both girls have been coming for dinner a couple of times in the week, coming with us to walk the dog etc as we live close by.
They can’t stay over in the week because DP works nights.

However, her DM has thrown a fit over this and says we have to force SD to come because “she needs a break”. I’m sympathetic towards this as lockdown is hard and teenagers can be moody etc but I think forcing a 16yo to still have full EOW contact is a bit ridiculous.

Once lockdown restrictions are eased DP has said that even if SD16 decides not to stay her overnight he’ll do all the running around for her on what would be our normal contact weekend i.e. picking up / dropping off at friend’s houses etc. so his ex doesn’t have to.

SD12 will still be coming here as per the usual schedule.

I just think it’s a bit unfair for their DM to try and force SD16 to come to ours if she doesn’t want to? She’s pretty self sufficient, she cooks and cleans and washes her own clothes.

DM has said they should now come for 1 night every weekend instead which we can’t accommodate as DP’s shifts means he works on the weekends he doesn’t have his DDs.

So them coming every weekend for 1 night will only benefit DM as the girls won’t see their dad anyway.
I’m also unwilling to look after my SDs to give their mum a break on the 2 weekends my DS isn’t here (he goes to his dads) as that’s my downtime and I work full time, their DM doesn’t work either.

We’re not sure how to approach it? Should we force SD16 to stay here both nights if she doesn’t want to? Won’t that cause resentment?

@HOS8595

I don’t think the mum is wrong. She may want a break considering your DH has the kids only 2 out of 14 nights

I wouldn’t leave a 16 year old in the house overnight alone either so I don’t think the go to the bf house idea would work. She may want some alone time with her BF.

If the mum doesn’t agree then your DH needs to say that.

@HOS8595. I’m with you on not leaving a 16-year-old alone overnight. My DD will be 16 this year and I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving her, even though she’s fairly mature. Social media has made them more vulnerable, IMO- they tell one friend they’re home alone and soon loads of people know about it. Very different to my teens when my parents did occasionally go away for a night and I had a few friends over. No one else ever showed up because they didn’t know! Plus we all needed lifts or had to use the bus, no Uber back then.🤣

The OP’s family is at that tricky in-between stage where her DSD has a right to ask for a different schedule, but her parents are still responsible for her. I agree with PP’s suggesting more flexibility-perhaps she could stay for a full weekend once a month? That way they’re still sharing the responsibility.

Yawn. Bore off.

This literally means a poster can't think of any decent response. 🤣

@Theunamedcat she did nothing at all. We ordered her a pizza to be delivered to the house and she watched Netflix then went to bed.
No friends over even.

My teen decided to stop staying at her dad's when she was 16. I sympathise with wanting a break but she's her daughter. No way would I force mine to stay at her dad's just so that I could get a break. The mother sounds horrible.

@MacDuffsMuff

Yawn. Bore off.

This literally means a poster can't think of any decent response. 🤣

It literally means I don’t care about what another poster thinks on my opinion on leaving a teen at home alone. I don’t need to explain myself to some random poster who I don’t give a fuck about 🤷🏼‍♀️

@SpongebobNoPants - I haven't read through the thread fully but here's my input as I was that bio mum.
When my eldest was 16 my other two were 11 & 8. I also live close by my exh. Those eow were literally the ONLY break I got. It wasn't just that I needed the physical break from parenting but I also needed the mental break; to have the house to myself & to be Magda & not Mum for a few days because I was literally doing ALL the heavy parenting of my dc. I mean that in no way disrespectfully towards my exh but being the rp is just different to being the nrp & if my 16 year old had wanted to stay home every weekend I'd never have been able to switch off. I would always have been in 'mum' mode.
If my exh couldn't have taken them eow for whatever reason then of course I would have sucked it up, but the fact of the matter was he could take them.
I also felt it was very important for the younger two to have their big brother with them as I could see a scenario developing whereby if he got to stay with me then they would start requesting it too & that would have been good for no one including exh.
I can remember talking to ds about this & just explaining to him that bar there being any issues with his dad I NEEDED him to go to his dads just so I could get a break & in fairness he got this. My dc also went to their dads for food midweek but eldest stopped this in senior cycle as he needed to study & I never had any issue with this - but I needed those eow.
I know people argue that parents in intact families never get a break so divorced parents should suck it up. However 'intact' parents parent together & (generally) can help each other out on a daily basis - when you're a divorced parent that's just different & I honestly don't think it does any kid, whatever their age, any harm to be told mum needs a break.
I also wouldn't ever have expected my exh to take the dc every weekend as I think kids spending downtime with each parent is very important.
Bar your dsd having genuine issues at your house (which doesn't seem to be the case) then I don't think she's too old to be taught to respect her mother's downtime, particularly as you live close by & staying at yours does not affect her friends/social life. Obviously if she was being taken miles away from friends etc. that would be a slightly different story.
From your pov I would also refuse to agree to the one night a weekend as those eow when you don't have them is YOUR downtime & dsd & her dm also need to respect that.

@Magda72 I get that, I totally do. I have 2 kids of my own. One of which I raise single handedly and the other I have 75% of the time. I need a break too.

However what I’m not comfortable with is their DM trying to push it onto us. If she wants EOW totally free then she needs to be the one to explain to her why she cannot be at home on those weekends and has to come to ours.

I understand in lockdown it is harder for her but in normal time she has a huge amount of kid free time, a minimum of 30 hours a week. Also up until lockdown 3.0 she rarely had either kid on a Saturday night as they would be staying at friend’s houses.

However what I’m not comfortable with is their DM trying to push it onto us. If she wants EOW totally free then she needs to be the one to explain to her why she cannot be at home on those weekends and has to come to ours.
@SpongebobNoPants - yes I totally see that & it's very wrong of her to make you guys the 'fall guy'.
If both kids have been staying over at friends pre lockdown then she (the dm) has obviously gotten very used to having all her Saturday nights free.
That being the case all I would in your shoes is stand my ground on the one night a weekend thing but say to dsd that you're happy to have her eow but that her dm & her need to sort that one out.
Aaaaaaaghh - separated/blended families!

I saw my 16 yo for 1 mealtime yesterday...
Can't imagine trying to force him to be anywhere he wasn't wanting to be.

@Magda72 thanks for always being the voice of reason on this board.

she has a huge amount of kid free time, a minimum of 30 hours a week

there's 168 hours in a week I am not sure 30 hours can be described as huge. Half would be fair. Any more than that and you are getting into 'huge' territory.

I expect my eldest to go to his father's go give me some down time. I am parenting full on the rest of the time, particularly during lockdown. It's really not unreasonable to expect a young person to spend time with their other parent unless there is some kind of underlying issue/abuse/neglect.

I agree, however, mum needs to own that and discuss with her daughter herself.

I’d quite like 30 waking hours free in a week.

why is the SD not wanting to come any more? sorry if I missed that

@Magda72

However what I’m not comfortable with is their DM trying to push it onto us. If she wants EOW totally free then she needs to be the one to explain to her why she cannot be at home on those weekends and has to come to ours. *@SpongebobNoPants* - yes I totally see that & it's very wrong of her to make you guys the 'fall guy'. If both kids have been staying over at friends pre lockdown then she (the dm) has obviously gotten very used to having all her Saturday nights free. That being the case all I would in your shoes is stand my ground on the one night a weekend thing but say to dsd that you're happy to have her eow but that her dm & her need to sort that one out. Aaaaaaaghh - separated/blended families!

Totally this.

surely if she doesn't work she has plenty of free time??!

The mum is being unreasonable. If she wants to force her DD to go to the dad's house then she should tell the DD

surely if she doesn't work she has plenty of free time??!
You’d think so wouldn’t you

At 16 my DD would spend most of the time in her bedroom. I barely knew she was there was going for something to eat.

I wonder what her mum had planned that is presenting such an issue. The girl wants the comfort of her room and shouldn't be forced to stay with her dad.

My response (as the dad) would be I'm not forcing her, as I don't want her to resent coming here when.shr does. End of story.

What the mum doesn't want is to be the bad guy who tells her DD she needs a break from her. That would be very damaging, so she wants dad to force her, when she's made it clear she sometimes just wants to spend one night.

The mum is being unreasonable. At 16 your DSD is free to choose who to stay with, the courts would have allowed that choice many years ago had it went that way. If the mother doesn't want her daughter home then it's up to her to enforce it with the daughter, not you or your DH. If you both are saying that DSD is welcome to come and go as she pleases even out-with with "normal" contact times then you're doing all you can to facilitate contact and that's what's important. I don't think it's unreasonable for a 16 year old to want to spend most time in one house, where she had all of her favourite things. My SS is much smaller at the moment and pretty much had double of everything between the two houses but as he gets older I fully see him taking more things to one house as he develops favourites, his own style etc.

I'd leave it for SD and her mum to discuss and DP should say he'll do what makes SD comfortable. You don't need to accommodate their mum's sex life. I'm afraid it's quite normal not to want to stay over EOW the whole weekend at 16 esp as there is no need from the teenager's perspective as you all live locally to each other. One night EOW is reasonable but their mum has to agree that with her own child. It isn't anything to do with your partner forcing anything.

I feel for the sd16 in all of this. Presumably she’s been grown up enough to say hey guys, I just don’t want to sleep over any more, and she feels you are approachable enough to have had that conversation with you. It’s a shame her wishes aren’t respected by her mother, she sounds very mature to be doing her own washing etc at 16. I wonder if having to pack her bag every other weekend has just got too much for her. She needs to be given some credit for her maturity and to be listened to. Could you suggest that she stays once a month? Seems a good compromise.

I have some sympathy for the mother, 2 nights out of 14 is very little, especially locked down in the house, and with a boyfriend who might not otherwise come over.

What is your DH doing to make your home welcoming to your 16 year old? You've said so many times how 'self-sufficient' she is, is she basically being left to her own devices?

I don't get why you are even having this conversation.

Your DH
"Hi SMM! (sex mad mum)
If you dont want to leave her alone at yours overnight then you need to speak to DD16 about it and agree between yourselves because we cant do every weekend ta-raaaaa"

Ps sounds spunds like a mean mum 😔

Just meet her in the middle 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

"If you want to drop her off that's fine but we don't want to pressure her.
I won't be here but SM will if you want to drop her off."

I think if her mum decides to ‘fight’ on this one then you’ll be seeing a lot more of your SD very soon.