Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

SD16’s DM insisting on overnight stays

150 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 12/01/2021 12:41

My DP has 2 DDs, SD11 & SD16.
For the past 10 years contact has been a regular Weds evening for dinner and EOW.

Recently SD16 has said she doesn’t want to come to ours for the whole weekend anymore, she wants to do 1 night or maybe just hang out with us for the day then go home after dinner time.

We’re totally cool with this and are of the mindset that she’s old enough to decide now. She speaks to her dad everyday and FaceTimes almost daily, they have a good close relationship.

Also during lockdown both girls have been coming for dinner a couple of times in the week, coming with us to walk the dog etc as we live close by.
They can’t stay over in the week because DP works nights.

However, her DM has thrown a fit over this and says we have to force SD to come because “she needs a break”. I’m sympathetic towards this as lockdown is hard and teenagers can be moody etc but I think forcing a 16yo to still have full EOW contact is a bit ridiculous.

Once lockdown restrictions are eased DP has said that even if SD16 decides not to stay her overnight he’ll do all the running around for her on what would be our normal contact weekend i.e. picking up / dropping off at friend’s houses etc. so his ex doesn’t have to.

SD12 will still be coming here as per the usual schedule.

I just think it’s a bit unfair for their DM to try and force SD16 to come to ours if she doesn’t want to? She’s pretty self sufficient, she cooks and cleans and washes her own clothes.

DM has said they should now come for 1 night every weekend instead which we can’t accommodate as DP’s shifts means he works on the weekends he doesn’t have his DDs.

So them coming every weekend for 1 night will only benefit DM as the girls won’t see their dad anyway.
I’m also unwilling to look after my SDs to give their mum a break on the 2 weekends my DS isn’t here (he goes to his dads) as that’s my downtime and I work full time, their DM doesn’t work either.

We’re not sure how to approach it? Should we force SD16 to stay here both nights if she doesn’t want to? Won’t that cause resentment?

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 12/01/2021 14:01

Funny how the "contact is for the benefit of the children" brigade have gone quiet because it's something the RP wants in this case, not the NRP.

It's perfectly normal to not want to move between two houses as you get older, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong as such. Would your DSD be happy being left by herself overnight?

knittingaddict · 12/01/2021 14:04

It doesn't matter what the mother wants. It's not whether the sd is deciding to take drugs, it's about deciding where she sleeps at night and the sd is perfectly in her rights to sleep at home or at her dad's house.

Contact should never be about what the parent's needs are, it's about what is best for the children. That's true at age 6 and I don't see why it's any different at age 16.

Youseethethingis · 12/01/2021 14:05

“BendingSpoons

Youseethings a flat screen TV like she has at her mum's according to the OP?”

Is that your suggestion? Maybe the DM should pay for it then?

knittingaddict · 12/01/2021 14:05

@MyCatHatesEverybody

Funny how the "contact is for the benefit of the children" brigade have gone quiet because it's something the RP wants in this case, not the NRP.

It's perfectly normal to not want to move between two houses as you get older, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong as such. Would your DSD be happy being left by herself overnight?

Great timing. Grin

I didn't read your post while I was writing.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 12/01/2021 14:06

No, but your DH has chosen a work pattern with little flexibility that means he is less available for his children. I am not saying you should give up your free time, but have some empathy for their DM who apparently doesn't get a choice.

Do you really think employees are in a strong position to pick and choose their ideal job, especially during a pandemic? I imagine the DM will have something to say if her child support is affected by him finding something less secure on lower pay.

BendingSpoons · 12/01/2021 14:07

True RedMarauder but maybe their DM would have liked to have taken on a job with different hours but couldn't as she was the main carer 12 days a week.

It just seems like the girls are meant to be welcome in their DMs home any time but their dad can put restrictions on his home. There are obviously differences in the situations, but I think it is a bit unfair to imply their DM needs less of a break as she doesn't work.

No-one can really force a 16yo so at the end of the day their DM will have to suck it up or leave the DD home alone.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 12/01/2021 14:07

@MyCatHatesEverybody yes she’d be fine with it.

To be clear to other posters... she isn’t saying she doesn’t want to stay here at all, just not necessarily for the whole weekend. She wants to be able to decide whether it’s 1 night or 2.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 12/01/2021 14:10

@BendingSpoons nope that’s not the case.
She chooses not to work. She quit her part time job 2.5 years ago and hasn’t done anything since.

When the kids were younger DPs hours were more flexible so she always had the option to work but has always chosen to either work the bare minimum hours or not at all. But that’s not the issue here and is going off on a tangent.

OP posts:
blisstwins · 12/01/2021 14:11

@catonmylapcantmove

Perhaps because her mother would like a break from full time responsibility? Just because she isn't a small child doesn't mean it's all straightforward.
You don’t get it because you seem very invested in either letting the 26 year old alone or letting her choose. Your husband is a FATHER and every other weekend is nothing. He needs to act as a father and and say sorry, dad, love you, have very little time with you, and these arrangements will continue. Mom is a person who has had the kids almost full time since they were 6 and 1. She is not being unreasonable. You are.
dottiedodah · 12/01/2021 14:11

I think so much is made of parents having "equal " contact that young peoples needs can sort of be Airbrushed IFYSWIM .At 16 his DD is a young Adult ,and just feels more comfy in her main home as it were.How many Adults would take kindly to being told they effectively have to move home EOW ,and stay elsewhere I wonder .

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 12/01/2021 14:12

I think it is a bit unfair to imply their DM needs less of a break as she doesn't work

Actually I think it does. In term time she has a minimum of 30 hours a week to do as she pleases.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 12/01/2021 14:15

DSD is also saying she still wants to come over and stay 1 night ,chill the next ,so DM still has some child free time .Anyway she cannot be forced at 16 to come over and will have to take it up with her DM.

Santaiscovidfree · 12/01/2021 14:15

A 16 yo home alone isn't really an issue..
My 16 yo is quite a hermit. Hardly notice he is here some days!

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 12/01/2021 14:16

@blisstwins we’re more than happy to keep the current arrangement. In fact DP is a little bit heartbroken at the thought of SD16 growing up and wanting to stay over less.

Their DM will still get at least 1 night EOW totally free, youngest SD will also still be coming as per the schedule. It’s just SD16 wants the freedom to choose.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 12/01/2021 14:22

I agree this is something her mother needs to discuss with her since she is the one putting her foot down. Absolutely out of line to expect you and DP to be the scapegoat and "force" her to come.

MacDuffsMuff · 12/01/2021 14:29

They cant say yes she can stay at her mums when it's meant to be overnight contact with her father when the mums said no. A teenagers desire for their tv and a lie in does not come up above her mother's desire for her own space when the children are suppose to be with their father.

@Scbchl I didn't take from the OP that they said it was OK, just that they were 'cool with it' meaning that they think DSD is old enough to decide for herself , at 16.

How would you approach this situation yourself? Given that the DSD is 16 and she knows she is welcome at her dad's, but would rather go to her mums (for whatever reason) but knows that she is not welcome there. I ask genuinely, how would you deal with this?

MacDuffsMuff · 12/01/2021 14:30

@SpongebobNoPants

I think it is a bit unfair to imply their DM needs less of a break as she doesn't work

Actually I think it does. In term time she has a minimum of 30 hours a week to do as she pleases.

I agree OP. Not an opinion on whether she works or not, but to imply that she never gets a break is simply not true.
Tiredoftattler · 12/01/2021 14:31

It does not matter how you parse this discussion, in the end , you have 2 minor children with 2 parents each of whom is saying " there are times when you are not allowed in the place that you are expected to think of as home"

Most kids do not think of home as a place where I go to spend time with mom or dad. Home should be the place where I live and am always welcome. On the one hand, children are expected to know that place x is their home except when it is not their home. On the other hand, children are expected to accept the fact that mom or dad provides a home but you are only allowed access if mom or dad is present. Neither setting sounds like home and neither setting creates the same feelings that children in nuclear families have about their homes.

I could never imagine saying to my step children that the home that they father and I provide for them is only their home when he is present. The kids have keys to both houses , and they all have the same right of entry and access that all members of the household have.

In this Instance, I think that both of the parents are wrong, but I understand that my opinion is not necessarily how others choose to function. I truly do not believe a place where kids have limited access is a place where a parent has created an awareness or understanding that this is your home . It may be mom or dad's home, but it is only the house in which the kids are permitted to spend some time.

RedMarauder · 12/01/2021 14:32

@dottiedodah

I think so much is made of parents having "equal " contact that young peoples needs can sort of be Airbrushed IFYSWIM .At 16 his DD is a young Adult ,and just feels more comfy in her main home as it were.How many Adults would take kindly to being told they effectively have to move home EOW ,and stay elsewhere I wonder .
This^

I don't understand why everyone is attacking the OP.

The OP has made it quite clear the 16-year-old can follow the same pattern as the teenager doesn't need supervision but the 16-year-old doesn't want to. In fact the 16-year-old has decided she wants less overnight contact.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 12/01/2021 14:33

@MacDuffsMuff same. I don’t care if she works or doesn’t but is disingenuous to imply she doesn’t get the most free time of anyone in this situation

OP posts:
MacDuffsMuff · 12/01/2021 14:36

I don't understand why everyone is attacking the OP.

Because:

a) they can't be bothered to read the OP properly
b) they deliberately twist what the OP says so that they can have a go
c) they just enjoy having a pop at a stranger on the internet.

Who knows? Grin

Youseethethingis · 12/01/2021 14:38

It does not matter how you parse this discussion, in the end , you have 2 minor children with 2 parents each of whom is saying " there are times when you are not allowed in the place that you are expected to think of as home
I wasn’t allowed to be home without my very much happily married parents for more than an hour or so when I was 12. It was still my home Hmm
The real question is whether it is OPs job to be at home to look after them or their parents job.

RedMarauder · 12/01/2021 14:38

Tiredoftattler that is between the child's two parents not OP.

I, unfortunately, know other teenagers who aren't allowed in the parent they don't live with house, if that parent isn't there. Part of it is due to the issues the other one of their parents caused over their initial child arrangements.

noirchatsdeux · 12/01/2021 14:40

I think the mother has to realise that if her and the father would still together, they both wouldn't be getting any 'free' weekday or weekend nights at all, not until both the children leave home.

Her boyfriend has a house of his own - if she wants nights alone with
him she can stay there, the 16 year old can stay home like she wants to. If she doesn't trust the 16 year old, does she have any friend or relative that would be willing to stay that one weekend night?

SoupDragon · 12/01/2021 14:45

I think the mother has to realise that if her and the father would still together, they both wouldn't be getting any 'free' weekday or weekend nights at all, not until both the children leave home.

Equally, she wouldn't be be doing the bulk of the tedious shit by herself.