Holidays

[harryclr]

DP and I have argued a few times now about holidays.

We have a 7month old and he has a 5yr old DD from a previous relationship. I have expressed that whilst our baby is still young I'd like to go on a couple of more grown up breaks before he gets too old and our holidays have completely changed and are 100% revolved around children. Due to Covid we missed out on our baby moon and my birthday trip to Lisbon.

Is this selfish of me? I just think it would be nice to have time just us and our baby, as he doesn't speak or walk or have wants we are still able to go on a city break for example where he can be in the pram etc. A 5 year old needs constant entertaining and attention and the holiday completely changes. We can also be more intimate and affectionate and have more interesting/adult conversation when a 5yr old isn't around.

Does anyone think it's unreasonable of me?

He called me selfish and 'evil' and insists I want to leave his DD out and exclude her. He gets instantly defensive whenever I suggest anything, almost anything at all without her. He even went as far as to tell me where to go if I don't like it...I never said I never want to go on a family holiday, I am merely saying we have the opportunity at the moment to do a couple of different trips before our holidays are water parks, zoos and chips!

Is it selfish and unfair to just ask for some balance and compromise in this blended family?

I would only ever suggest to go away when DD is at her mums also, she is also at school.

Thanks x

He isn’t a parent to one I meant!

@harryclr

Thank you all

That's exactly it, I have never suggested we only go away just us and that's it, we will obviously have a whole family holiday based around the kids too. Like others have mentioned, I only meant a city break or couple of nights away somewhere for change of scenery etc.
I am not 'leaving her out because she's an inconvenience' I am just asking for balance and compromise. We also aren't married so I don't class myself as an official step mom. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on me (and a lot of partners of partners with previous children) to be this perfect step mum when I am a first time mum to my own child, I will focus on them for the time being.

DSD has yet to ago away just her and her mum but I'm sure she will.

I appreciate others suggesting I go away with my son and a family member / friend but that sort of defeats my problem, I'd like to go away with my partner to spent quality time together. DP and his DD went away and did many great fun things just the 2 of them before I came along, it saddens me that he won't has any of that special time with his son, he doesn't seem to feel the want for that either.

It's all so difficult x

@sassbott is there a way I can message you privately?

First issue is that you live with your partner and you have a baby together but you don't see yourself as this child's step-parent.

A ceremony won't make her any more a part of your lives. If you are not committed to her being a part of your family then you have a big problem. She is in your family, you are not a family of 3.

I don't think it's wrong to want a break with your partner away from parenting and leaving all the kids at home but you're not wanting that you want a holiday for your family of 3. See above, that's not your reality.
It doesn't really matter if you're going wine tasting, climbing glaciers or whatever, all that little girl will know that she's not invited when her dad has always taken her away before and her brother is going.

I'm not saying for one moment that she has to be included in everything you do but actually, her mum isn't taking her away, we're in a pandemic that's made everything awful and she's had the huge change of a new sibling. I think the next holiday needs to be all of you.

Aside from all that, the way your partner spoke to you was awful and I wouldn't be accepting that at all.

Have you had mother arguments about his child being excluded? Does he speak to you in such a horrible way over other stuff?

(Apologies for my confusion on which is the girl and which is the boy!)

‘ ^Are you kidding me? He is a parent to two. Whether you like it or not. Why should your child's older sibling be deprived?

You are the reason us step parents get a bad name.^’
This is ridiculous - OP is not giving step-parents a bad name. Plenty of other step-parents do fun nice things with their own children while the DSC are not there - and there is nothing wrong with that.
Is OP’s life meant to be on hold while DSD is not there? Should she, DP and DC ensure they do nothing nice while DSD is not there - and is probably off doing nice things with her DM? OP has already said that she foresees holidays with all 4 of them as well.

@harryclr yes I had this argument and my partner did finally see where I was coming from, that I wasn't saying anything against his children ( who I go above and beyond for) but I wasn't willing to sacrifice a holiday with just my son before school ok the basis the others may get upset. We have spoke to them and they are 100% fine as we all do stuff together anyway and I guess what helps us is that their mum and stepdad did the same with their new baby when the older children were with us for the week.

It's a complicated but you've got every right to not sacrifice memories with your son and partner, yes obvs his daughter is very important but I'm sure she does things with mum also?

I think as long as there's a healthy balance

YANBU OP.

We take the SC on every holiday each year except for one where we go away for a week with our DD who is a toddler (and have done since she was tiny). It’s always in term time when we go so his kids are at school and we always pick a week where we’re not due to have them anyway so they’re not missing out on seeing their Dad.
DH was a bit funny at first until I strongly pointed out that they also got breaks away with their mum AND we also had them for extra days, weeks so their mother could go away on her own holidays without them as she “needed a break”. I’ve also said to him that when our DD goes to school, we will still be having a week away where it is just us and our daughter (and our baby who is due soon) and I won’t apologise to anyone for that.

You are allowed balance and some time with your husband and the family you’ve created. He’s being unreasonable if he can’t see your point. Not everything has to revolve around the blessed step-children.

Evil?! That’s rather extreme. It’s hardly as if you said never take step-daughter on holiday. But yeah l can see why you would want a holiday just the 3 of you but a “grown up”‘holiday is ambitious at this stage. Does she not do things with her mother, that your child won’t be involved in?

Surely everyone needs to learn they aren’t involved and invited to everything. God forbid after all this my fiancé might go away on holiday with friends! I have no issue with this and might go away with a different group of friends

I have 2 SCs and I don’t want them to come on every single holiday I go on with my own children and their dad. We do take them away and they also go with their mum and her partner.

A holiday is also a break for me and it simply isn’t a break at all when my SCs come along. I love them but they’re bloody hard work and I don’t feel automatically relaxed with them like I do with my own children.
Plus having all 4 kids of varying ages (his are 16 & nearly 12, mine are 10 & 6) means at least one kid is miserable at any one time.
Sometimes it’s nice to go away with just my kids so they get my full attention (which they deserve and are entitled to) and so we can do kid based holidays without my older SCs moaning that they’re bored.

It’s not selfish to want a break for yourself as a stepparent, you have taken on so much already so it’s perfectly reasonable to sometimes carve out time for just you and your DCs or you and your DP that doesn’t revolve around your SCs needs/wants.

The blended families I know that are successful all do this and it is vital you and your DP also prioritise your own relationship.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing a mixture of holidays with just your DCs, including your SCs and totally kid free trips.

YANBU as long as you also take her on another holiday.
I have two DC from a previous marriage and a 1 year old. Cancelled obviously, but we had a holiday in Norway planned for last summer while the DC were with their dad (which is not very often) as it would have been the last chance for a while to pop her in the carrier and hike.
The rest of the summer was all of us (while their dad took 3 weeks off work during their school break and only spent 1 of that with the DC. )

I'm with your DP. Of course your step daughter should go on holiday with you all. She is part of your family and it's sad that you don't see her like that. As a pp said, holidays for you now are ice creams, children's entertainment etc. You are very lucky to have that.

Do you have family to look after you baby in future so you and your DP can have breaks just the two of you? If not, enjoy the family holidays and connect with DP in another way, you don't have to be on holiday to develop your relationship.

We have holidays just me my DH and DD and we also have holidays with my SD too.

We tend to go with just DD when SD is on her holidays with her mum.

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with it. I actually think it causes problems of entitlement with step kids if they go on double the holidays all other kids go on every year.

This says it all: "when I am a first time mum to my own child, I will focus on them for the time being."
My sm behaved this way, I stopped trying at some point and resented her. They divorced later leaving another child with divorced parents. When you marry a man with a child, that child is your child, you cannot create your own bubble. However you want to justify a small break, a little outing etc they will get noticed. Don't lie to yourself and others.

Evil is a bit far.

Would you go on holiday with you, your partner and your step child and leave the baby behind?

If you do go on holiday without your step child has your partner got a relative etc who can provide appropriate childcare?

I personally wouldn’t go away for more than a night without my five year old, I certainly wouldn’t travel to another country without him. Everyone has their own way of doing things, but a partner cannot change established parenting significantly.

Well I wouldn't go on holiday with one of my children and leave the other at home.

I suppose it also depends on whether this will be the onky hidays you take (which it sounds like it will be) or if you will be doing another holiday where dsd gets to come too.

Don't lie to yourself and others.
Interesting. It’s a lie to say that your spouses child is your child too, unless there is formal adoption.
Also, no you wouldn’t leave a baby behind at home because they can’t look after themselves home alone That’s a bit different to a 5 year old being at her mums house, where mum and the 5 year old expected her to be.

I suppose it also depends on whether this will be the onky hidays you take (which it sounds like it will be) or if you will be doing another holiday where dsd gets to come too.
OP has stated that this would not be instead of a main family holiday.

I can see both sides as someone who will shortly have a baby with a new partner and a 9 year old with an ex. I’ve taken my son on holiday before on my own and have also went on couple only breaks without him, as has his dad. My son gets lots of holidays and is very fortunate in that respect but he does always get a bit upset when I go on a break without him (normally they are 3-4 day city breaks as opposed to week or fortnight long beach holidays if that makes any difference).

On the flip side, my brother and I went on one holiday with my dad and step mum growing up (to Benidorm) and they went on holiday every year with their daughter (my half sister), and quite often went to America, Caribbean etc and I always felt that was a little unfair.

I think the name calling is a little much however, it is a hard one though and I think you both have to see it from one another’s point of view and then come to a decision which will ultimately lead to one person having to ‘give in’ given the nature of your issue!

Coming at this from a different point of view...
I don't have step children but am divorced with 2 young dc's and have a new (not new really, been nearly 2 years!) partner.
I've always made it very clear about how i personally would feel about going away without my children, the thought upsets me and dp understands and accepts this and has never pushed for us to do anything, he has always completely accepted me as not just me but me and 2 young children. I don't believe I will always feel this way and as they get older and go away with their dad I'll start to feel more comfortable to do something alone without them. It purely comes from me enjoying things more with them, I want to be with them and share fun holiday experiences with them, maybe that is how your partner feels?
I understand where you are coming from, but he inevitably has a different feeling about things because he has another child who is just as important to him and your child is to you. For what it is worth I do believe you can have great "adult" city breaks with a baby, ex h and I did with our first a lot until he was about 18 months and it was wonderful. In the current climate you may not be able to do that anyway... so perhaps better to plan something just the two of you for the future?
Also, calling you evil etc is awful, that is not something you can put up with and not something I'd want my children growing up around!

I also would also add if my partner happened to have another child, I would strive to always always include them in everything because I would hate for my own children to be left out in a similar manner. It is one reason why I personally would never be with someone that had children already, which is obviously a double standard as I have 2. But if you decide to be with someone that has children already, you need to be prepared with the fact that should be of paramount importance in most decisions that ever get made between the two of you, and rightly so.

Yes OP, feel free to DM me.

Listen. You’re going to get a split on these boards. Some saying your heinous. Some saying you’re not. Fundamentally this is your relationship and your life. Your needs and wants are perfectly acceptable, what needs to be bottomed out is where your partner stands.

I am a selfish parent; always have been always will be. My children get a lot; as they should. They are cared for, loved and spoiled (to a certain amount). But they are not my be all and end all. It’s that mindset that made me continue working and put them in nursery. It’s that mindset that had me try and push forward in my career and take a job that included travel (knowing my ex was there). I have missed birthdays, sports days and a number of things. I have always holidayed with them and also without them. Both pre and post divorce.

This has resulted thus far in resilient, well rounded and balanced children. Who appreciate that they are my world but I will not consistently sacrifice my needs when it isn’t warranted. What message does that send them for their adult life? The world does not revolve around you. Other people’s needs should be factored into your expectation of what is reasonable. And that you can love someone, but have a degree of freedom, it’s healthy!

Many parents do not think this way. They have made choices that are very different to mine and I completely respect that. They are not wrong. Nor am I. It is different points of view and essentially IME) their deeply personal views of what ‘parenting’ involves.

Each to their own. I am selfish enough to know what I would be prepared to do in this situation. I personally would put a rocket up someone who called me ‘evil’ in this scenario. And then crack in with enjoying my life to the full with my child.

I would categorically not tolerate being limited to what I could do/ not do with my children because of step children. Compromise is important, but it goes both ways.

Sassbott.. Here here and couldn't agree with you more!

Jesus Christ, there is a reason some selfish people shouldn’t have children. You’d have to be resilient if your own mother couldn’t be arsed to be around for your own birthday when you were a child wouldn’t you!

Couldn’t be arsed? Hilarious.

No I got told to get on a plane for work and sort a client issue - it was my job at the time. A job that gives me financial security and a standard of life my children enjoy ( I’m also not an exwife claiming any spousal maintenance so my financial situation is in me and me alone). I could have refused, absolutely. But then I would have jeopardised my career. And you know what? I didn’t want to refuse. It was a prime opportunity to showcase my skills to step up. So I did, and it was GREAT!

I explained it to the children and said child celebrated their birthday with their father. Their parent.

Some 4 years later, aforementioned child doesn’t seem too emotionally scarred by the incident. I on the other hand got promoted and continued to get promoted...

Which has lead to more financial security. I’d make the same choice again in a heartbeat, without any guilt. Welcome to real life with real responsibilities. When hard choices have to made.

I actually agree some people shouldn’t have children. The level of projection, enmeshment and control I see some parents exert over the children in the name of being ‘good parents’ makes me shudder. And I would hazard a guess that a fair few of those parents lurk on these boards based on the wails of poooooorrrr children.

Trust me, If you met my children and spent any time with them. I think you’d find out pretty quickly that they’re pretty damn lucky to have a parent like me. Whose validation is not achieved solely through being a ‘good’ mother. Sod that.

@sassbott it was so obvious you meant you had missed birthdays for work rather than because you "couldn't be bothered", that comment gave me a proper eye roll 🙄