Holidays

[harryclr]

DP and I have argued a few times now about holidays.

We have a 7month old and he has a 5yr old DD from a previous relationship. I have expressed that whilst our baby is still young I'd like to go on a couple of more grown up breaks before he gets too old and our holidays have completely changed and are 100% revolved around children. Due to Covid we missed out on our baby moon and my birthday trip to Lisbon.

Is this selfish of me? I just think it would be nice to have time just us and our baby, as he doesn't speak or walk or have wants we are still able to go on a city break for example where he can be in the pram etc. A 5 year old needs constant entertaining and attention and the holiday completely changes. We can also be more intimate and affectionate and have more interesting/adult conversation when a 5yr old isn't around.

Does anyone think it's unreasonable of me?

He called me selfish and 'evil' and insists I want to leave his DD out and exclude her. He gets instantly defensive whenever I suggest anything, almost anything at all without her. He even went as far as to tell me where to go if I don't like it...I never said I never want to go on a family holiday, I am merely saying we have the opportunity at the moment to do a couple of different trips before our holidays are water parks, zoos and chips!

Is it selfish and unfair to just ask for some balance and compromise in this blended family?

I would only ever suggest to go away when DD is at her mums also, she is also at school.

Thanks x

Agreed @KumquatSalad! You're not leaving anyone out if they're not around anyway.

@sassbott

Oh lord alive. Another day, same heinous reactions of you’re selfish, you horrible woman, how dare you entertain ANYTHING when the SD isn’t included/ thought of

You’re not being remotely unreasonable. Your partner is not a very nice person in how he has spoken to you. You are not alone. A lot of posters on here repeatedly cite completely disproportionate responses from partners over THEIR children. It’s boring tbh. (As are the wails and pelting of stones from mothers on these boards). I am a mother by the way and my children have been the SD (they didn’t bat an eyelid).

Honestly op? Take your baby away with a friend/ family member. Travel/ do your thing. Let him sit at home and sort his holiday with his DD (and pay the extortionate school holiday costs).

And yes. A holiday with a baby is vastly different to a holiday with a Duracell fuelled 5 year old who will want / need constant watching/ attention.

I agree that, if the OP’s husband is going to be such an arsehole about it, the OP should just go on holiday with a friend/family member and her baby.

I do agree with others that the reality of a holiday with a baby might be a long way from what the OP imagined but she can learn what a holiday with her baby is like by trying it out. Some babies travel better than others. As do some children.

Travelling with my DSes was much easier than travelling with my DSC (at the same ages). DS1 was really easy going and you could take him anywhere and do just about anything. DS2 less so, but you could easily sit in a cafe with him and get him to walk around a city, museum etc. My DSC just don’t cope in situations both boys would have been fine with, so holidays with them have to be entirely centred around keeping them occupied with water parks or play parks etc (and feature a way of feeding them that doesn’t require you to take them to a cafe/restaurant every time). Who knows what DS3 will be like.

I have ds10 , dsd12, dss10 and our joint ds 11 months. We have been away without the older kids and like other days it’s a totally different holiday no worrying about keeping them entertained, off screens, trying to get them agree to go somewhere, agreeing where to eat etc etc etc. We had evenings so ourselves from 7 when the baby went to bed rather than trying to engage the kids/find the charger/agree on a film. That says it wasn’t a adult holiday we went to a lodge in the uk but it was much more relaxing just taking the little one. None of the kids are bothered my dss/dad went away with their mum in summer, my ds went away with his dad. We were planning a holiday for everyone but it got cancelled.

I think you are being given a hard time I don’t see the harm in a weekend away when your dsd is at her mums, your biggest problem is your Dh whose reaction is over the top and out of order.

Do kids in general get upset they have missed out a city break or is it just DSC that like those?

My little weirdo does. Always has. I think it's because my parents live in a different city so she's used to flying (from 3 months old) and likes restaurants, air galleries and things like that. I know I sound peak MN but she also likes fart jokes and loud burping at home. If that helps.

There's nothing wrong at all with wanting to go away, especially in a short city trip without your SD.

However, it is fair that your oh would also look forward to go in a family holiday centred around his daughter and ideally both should be discuss at the same time such as 'so next year, how about we go away for the May Bank Holiday to Paris and then we go away for a week to a kids friendly holiday camp to France by the beach', assuming you can afford both.

Thank you all

That's exactly it, I have never suggested we only go away just us and that's it, we will obviously have a whole family holiday based around the kids too. Like others have mentioned, I only meant a city break or couple of nights away somewhere for change of scenery etc.
I am not 'leaving her out because she's an inconvenience' I am just asking for balance and compromise. We also aren't married so I don't class myself as an official step mom. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on me (and a lot of partners of partners with previous children) to be this perfect step mum when I am a first time mum to my own child, I will focus on them for the time being.

DSD has yet to ago away just her and her mum but I'm sure she will.

I appreciate others suggesting I go away with my son and a family member / friend but that sort of defeats my problem, I'd like to go away with my partner to spent quality time together. DP and his DD went away and did many great fun things just the 2 of them before I came along, it saddens me that he won't has any of that special time with his son, he doesn't seem to feel the want for that either.

It's all so difficult x

@sassbott is there a way I can message you privately?

We always take out very little DC on holiday without the teenage/ adult DSC. They nap and go to bed early and the rest of the time is adult time. Shoot me.

You can’t stay with someone who calls you evil. You really can’t. Refusing to communicate properly without resorting to insults and rage is a massive deal breaker. Does he speak to you like that in front of your baby?

I think you are being optimistic that by the time we can actually travel overseas again freely your DS will still be at an age to tolerate a city break. My DS is 15 months and for at least the 3 months a city break would have been the least relaxing thing to do with him! You should be able to go on holiday just the 3 of you though. Although you probably need to alternate, one year the 3 of you the next include DSS. Hopefully that would coincide with DSD mum taking her away.

I appreciate others suggesting I go away with my son and a family member / friend but that sort of defeats my problem, I'd like to go away with my partner to spent quality time together. DP and his DD went away and did many great fun things just the 2 of them before I came along, it saddens me that he won't has any of that special time with his son, he doesn't seem to feel the want for that either.

This is the real problem. You don’t want anything unreasonable. But he’s not willing to do it. And you can’t make him.

Hopefully you won’t end up with the problem where you and your son can’t do anything with your partner unless DSD is there. It’s a common issue. And it’s absolutely not on.

Yanbu to want to have an occasional break without your DSD, I don't think that makes you evil, especially is she goes with her mum as well.

I don't think you will manage a city break with a baby though, at least not an enjoyable one.

OP I don’t think your being mean but I’m afraid that this will be a issue for many years. I have been where you are now and I hugely regretted marrying someone who already had kids (now divorced), I was always made to feel guilty for wanting to go anywhere with just our kids and not his. I had a good relationship with my step kids but there were times I wanted to do things without them. It’s something you will probably argue about many times.

You do need to remember that he now has 2 children and will want to treat them equally, you will no longer have ‘child free holidays’ as you have a baby so maybe just take the 5 year old? Holidays are likely not to feel like holidays for the next ten years as taking children away is hard work 🤣

By the time it is possible to travel, it’s unlikely the type of holiday you are envisaging would happen. Babies change very, very quickly. You’d get one break in at most. I think there is a risk you are making a big issue over something that is basically academic.

We did lots of city breaks when my son was under 1 for us mainly and without my partners 3 kids. We have a trip planned later this year with all the children and next year I'm booking a holiday just for me, my partner and my son in term time before he starts school and our holidays are forever dictated around school how.

I'm with the others on this. By the time you can travel on holiday again if you take your ds, it won't be an adult holiday with a portable baby. It will be a child holiday based around feeding, exercise and naps. You may as well take the 5/6 year old as you won't be doing things she can't do and she may be able to chase after/play with a toddler for the odd few minutes in a park/beach while you sneak a few minutes of adult time.

Also in the current climate with holidays so restricted, your DH probably wants his first post pandemic holiday to include both his kids as there's been such a long gap between them.
Start planing a big family holiday first then you can start thinking about a couples holiday (can start thinking about it before you go on the family one, but go on the family one first).
Its reasonable for him to want to exclude his oldest from his first post pandemic holiday.

OP , I think that you are missing the point when you say that " he did fun things with his daughter " he won't do alone with your son. The fact is that he did those things with the one child that he had at the time and now he is effectively saying that he only wants to do those things with the only 2 child that he has now.

The issue is that he may be more focused on being a parent and less interested in a partnering relationship or partnering activities.

The children may not be at the center of your problem . Has it occurred to you that the relationship between the 2 of you may be less important to him than it is to you.

A man who has 2 children may not view a baby moon as a particularly necessary or meaningful experience. Maybe the of you might benefit more from relationship counseling or therapy as opposed to vacations of any kind. You do not seem to be on the same page at all.
The opportunity to discuss your different views and expectations may help you to determine if you are at all compatible and whether you share any significant values and long term goals. Baby moons and vacations are the trappings but they are not among the substantive relationship issues and concerns.

If your partner has become dissatisfied with your personal relationship , it is unfair of him not to say that instead of using the kids as the smoke screen.

In your place, I would ask him to go with you to couples counseling. If you need a break, leave your son with him and go and find a change of scenery for yourself for a few days A reinvigorated mom will be good for you and for your baby. I think men respect women more who do not rely solely upon them for entertainment, support, and activity. Learn to be proactive in meeting your own needs.

Is your partner also suggesting that your baby must be involved in everything his five year old does? That sounds limiting for a five year old.
Personally I think if you are seeking to plan a break sometime when your partner doesn’t have his son then you are entirely reasonable. If you wish to do this instead of a more inclusive holiday for everyone then it seems a lot less reasonable.

@Songbird232018 this was exactly one of my points. I feel like partners of people with children automatically sacrifice so much and they are expected to just slip into the life they already had...my partner doesn't love change but his daughter is very adaptable.

My point was like you said above, I'm mother to one and we are parents to one (as in we have one together) so We have 5yrs of being able to do bits in term time when it's less busy and cheaper etc - I don't see why my child should be deprived of things because he has a sister in school.

@harryclr if you have more children, will you be leaving this current child and just take the baby abroad? If so, crack on.

@harryclr and your child isn’t deprived- go in the school holidays? If you can’t afford holidays in the school holidays then none of you go. If you can’t afford to take 2 children abroad then that should’ve been a conversation before you had a baby with someone who already has a child with someone else.

@SendHelp30 like I have said many times, I am never ever suggesting we don't go on holiday without SD. We do both, we do all options, balance and compromise.

@harryclr but you’ve just said “why should my child be deprived of things” what exactly is it they’re being deprived of?

@harryclr and my first post to you said; “if you plan to also leave this baby at home if you have another baby, crack on”

Would you do that? Or would you always take both your own children? Genuinely asking not goading. Specifically asking as you mentioned school holidays. So if you have 2 children and ones 6 and ones 4 in nursery - will you go during term time and leave the older child and the step child?

OP "My point was like you said above, I'm mother to one and we are parents to one (as in we have one together) so We have 5yrs of being able to do bits in term time when it's less busy and cheaper etc - I don't see why my child should be deprived of things because he has a sister in school"

Are you kidding me? He is a parent to two. Whether you like it or not. Why should your child's older sibling be deprived?

You are the reason us step parents get a bad name.

He isn’t a parent to the be and maybe this attitude, rather than the specific holiday issue, is causing the problem.