Moving in with new partner but teens are saying no

[palindrome666]

I've been separated from my ex for 6 years and he now lives abroad. We have two girls, 16 and 20 and I am the sole carer. One at home, the other at uni. Two and a half years ago I met my new partner who lives 150 miles away. We have fallen in love but taken things very slowly for the kids' sake. But my girls have been quite hostile to him from the start, although we did manage a holiday together last summer with his 2 boys and my younger DD (and her friend). He stayed with us over the first lockdown. But still they haven't softened towards him, even though he's a lovely man and very easy going (the rest of my family adore him). We are both committed to the relationship and want to live together in a new home in the city where he lives. With my eldest moving into her final year at uni, and my younger DD about to start 6th form, summer 2021 seems the best time. I've floated the idea to them but they have flat-out refused to move. I'm less concerned about my older DD who is flying the nest, but feel for my younger who wants to stay here where her friends and family are. I've said that we will visit regularly and her friends can come and visit us but she's adamant that she won't go. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced similar with their kids and how they resolved it? Is it time for tough love or should I respect her wishes and stay put, putting my own feelings and needs aside?

Apologies, the above was a reply to Myshinynewnane2021 but the quote didn’t work

No step mum bashing but you gaslight away - you are the one mum bashing but letting dad off the hook. It's ok for dads to move in with partners but not mums because magically teens can cope but can't cope with mum having a life.

I'm shocked by this thread because I never see these comments directed at dads many of who move new partners in within a year. No one ever suggests men put their lives on hold indefinitely for their children or that their children will be destroyed if they don't.

I think it's misogynistic but if there's one thing I've learnt about many mums they are judgy AF about other mums choices. I've seen the real step mum bashing on MN snd it's not pretty.

It's ok for dads to move in with partners but not mums because magically teens can cope but can't cope with mum having a life.

It has nothing to do with moving in with partners and everything to do with moving away. Fathers are indeed judged for moving away so you can ditch your accusations of faux misogyny.

Honestly I’m really not mum bashing here. It really is about the upheaval of moving away from ‘home’ and everything a child is used to. Which is totally different to a partner moving into the established ‘home’. Both change the dynamics but in the first scenario the child has a lot less to get used to. Both parents are entitled to move on with their lives.

Sorry for the derail OP. I really do hope that you and your partner manage to come to a solution that works for everyone.

You will not ruin someone’s whole life my moving 150 miles away. She’s old enough to get the train to see her friends

Moving to a new area at the start of 6th form could seriously impact her education, which could impact Uni and then life choices. 6th form is usually a step up even if there is home stability.
If she doesn't have a friendship group that will impact her socially and potentially her mental health. Realistically travelling 300 miles to see friends will be expensive and isn't trivial. It would require her to stay with existing friends as she couldn't do that journey easily.

I am a Step-Child. My mum died when I was 17 and my dad met someone a few months later. I thank god that he didn't move her in when I was still living there. Losing one parent is bad enough, whether through death or divorce. At least I go to be myself in my own home and with my own family.

My dad didn't move in with her, but she was round every day as lived in our street. I hated it and moved out as soon as I could.

I don't think it is personal that your DD's are not that into him. He is a stranger to them. You can't make them love him. Also, I my Dads partner had DC all similar ages to myself and my siblings. I hated it when he tried to force them on us. Again, it's not personal but they are not my family and I didn't want to be around them. I was happy for my dad but I didn't see why this had to impact on my life. I think if it had been a new man in our lives it would have made us feel very uncomfortable. I wouldn't feel safe or able to be myself with them living in my house. I would leave as soon as I was able.