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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Moving in with new partner but teens are saying no

206 replies

palindrome666 · 06/01/2021 16:21

I've been separated from my ex for 6 years and he now lives abroad. We have two girls, 16 and 20 and I am the sole carer. One at home, the other at uni. Two and a half years ago I met my new partner who lives 150 miles away. We have fallen in love but taken things very slowly for the kids' sake. But my girls have been quite hostile to him from the start, although we did manage a holiday together last summer with his 2 boys and my younger DD (and her friend). He stayed with us over the first lockdown. But still they haven't softened towards him, even though he's a lovely man and very easy going (the rest of my family adore him). We are both committed to the relationship and want to live together in a new home in the city where he lives. With my eldest moving into her final year at uni, and my younger DD about to start 6th form, summer 2021 seems the best time. I've floated the idea to them but they have flat-out refused to move. I'm less concerned about my older DD who is flying the nest, but feel for my younger who wants to stay here where her friends and family are. I've said that we will visit regularly and her friends can come and visit us but she's adamant that she won't go. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced similar with their kids and how they resolved it? Is it time for tough love or should I respect her wishes and stay put, putting my own feelings and needs aside?

OP posts:
Starllyow · 06/01/2021 18:02

Aw I’d never do that to my DD - 16 years old and you want to force her to move away from her home and in with a man she dislikes? Shock

LaceyBetty · 06/01/2021 18:03

I absolutely would not do this to the 16 year old. Wait a couple of years.

Myshinynewname2021 · 06/01/2021 18:03

@Joolsin

I think there are actually two issues here: The move, and the girls' hostile behaviour towards your partner, which as I read it, predates the idea of the move. Whilst I completely agree with other posters that you should wait until your younger daughter finishes school before moving, I think both girls need to be challenged about their behaviour towards him - they are more than old enough to understand that they don't have to like him (even if you and everyone else does), but that hostility is rude and not acceptable.
And this. This is exactly it. Their behaviour is not on and does not make them seem like reasonable decent kids to me. If you allow her more power is it going to improve their behaviour? Or will she then become even more of a petty tyrant? Kids can be pretty ruthless.
TheOneLeggedJockey · 06/01/2021 18:04

Please prioritise your DD, who you’ve known all your life, over a relationship with a man that’s presumably not going anywhere.

It’s two years, come on.

SparklePiggy · 06/01/2021 18:06

@Myshinynewname2021

I'm going to say if she's not at school or seeing her friends the natural rhythm of life is disrupted for her anyway, friendship groups aren't going to survive this intact. Why not use that time to move to somewhere that ultimately would be better for her socially?

No doubt she's digging her heels in because it involves moving in with him. Why don't you tell her the choices are a) he moves in with you both or b) you both move to the new location (which as it happens is closer to a social life)? I bet she is just as anti him moving in.

You could also point out that if she's going to want you to ferry her around driving for miles around the countryside when she's older you that it's not going to happen. Whereas if you lived more centrally it might. Focus on the what's in it for her.

Teenage girls can be controlling and spoilt. Happy for mum to be single and unhappy when it suits them but will cast you aside once real life comes along. Their brains haven't quite learnt to see you as a real person with your own needs.

If this man is good and makes you happy and you see a future and she's not ripping herself away from a close knit group and fantastic local hobbies /sports then I think allowing her to dictate to you is not appropriate. Apologies to all the martyr mummies but I just think that you've made them feel safe - but decisions are not there's to make, ultimately. And the real world isn't going to treat them like princesses.

Do you not think it's relevant if she did running her eldest daughter around and playing taxi service? It seems very unfair to basically tell her daughter 'Now you're cock blocking me, I'm not going to put any effort into being your mum/our relationship!'
Emeeno1 · 06/01/2021 18:07

Agree with @Joolsin and @Myshinynewname2021

It is unbelievable how parents are no longer adults able to make their own life choices but instead cowed by their own young adult or teenage offspring.

And so many here encourage this.

TheOneLeggedJockey · 06/01/2021 18:08

Do you not think it's relevant if she did running her eldest daughter around and playing taxi service? It seems very unfair to basically tell her daughter 'Now you're cock blocking me, I'm not going to put any effort into being your mum/our relationship!'

Exactly ^^ but apparently it’s being a martyr to think like that.

Grim.

1WayOrAnother2 · 06/01/2021 18:09

At 16 your friends seem to be much more important than family!

She is also of an age to feel she should have a say in family matters like this.

Don't move without her consent... it would be considered unforgiveable (by her and ALL her friends) and would probably never be forgotten.

Wait 2 years and then move when she does. (There might still be resistance - but she will see that you have been fair.)

If you decide to wait; get your new DP to suggest it and to press for your 16 year old's rights in the matter. :) This might be a step on the way to popularity for him.

marshmallowfluffy · 06/01/2021 18:10

If the younger dd was primary aged I'd say go for it but for the sake of 2 years I'd suck it up. I think that if you disregard her feelings now it will be something that she'll bring up at every opportunity and it will tarnish your relationship with her in future.
I don't think that oldest dd gets a say really. She has choices of where to live unlike her sibling.

Amira19 · 06/01/2021 18:10

I would be investigating why they don't like him 2 year relationship isn't long in terms of blending especially if they have established relationships where they live.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 06/01/2021 18:13

Bloody hell some of the later replies. I have a nearly 16 year old daughter. You don't uproot them at this age unless its that or no way of keeping a roof over their heads, and in all honesty you don't make a 15/16 year old girl move in with a man she doesn't want to live with, nor move such a man in, no matter how much you love him. It is grim not to wait until she's 18 and finished school, and can move out to uni or have a chance of supporting herself financially and moving into a flatshare with a friend.

TheOneLeggedJockey · 06/01/2021 18:13

No-ones saying don’t move in with him. Just wait a couple of years.

The DD is 16, still a child.

I’m not sure what other people’s last year at school was like, but I’d’ve been absolutely gutted to have been moved away from that.

My parents were together, but I know neither one of them would have considered this for a minute. Wouldn’t have even had to seek advice on it.

Neither of them were ‘martyrs’. Just decent, caring parents.

sofato5miles · 06/01/2021 18:15

Another vote for there are a lot of martyrs on here. I am very pro moving.

Hell, we moved countries! Both my parents had new partners and cannot for the life of me remember lasting side effects.. Both partners were duly dumped as rebound people too.

However, the far, far bigger issue is their behaviour towards your partner. A history of not having to share you and be indulged has not helped them but i really don't know how you navigate that. But you do need to reassert yourself in this dynamic.

IceIceBebe · 06/01/2021 18:16

Another vote for there are a lot of martyrs on here. I am very pro moving

Martyrs? I think you mispelled PARENTS. Hmm

It's a dick move to force a 16 year old to leave their home, friends (possibly family) so you can shack up with your boyfriend. Simple as that.

GlowingOrb · 06/01/2021 18:18

You are so close to having an empty nest. Why would you go through all the stress of creating a blended household. I’d consider moving to the same city, but maintain separate households until the kids are launched. But really, can’t you wait 2 years to move to his city so she doesn’t have to start over?

IceIceBebe · 06/01/2021 18:18

It is unbelievable how parents are no longer adults able to make their own life choices but instead cowed by their own young adult or teenage offspring

We are perfectly able to make our own decisions...we just make better ones that put our children before our sex lives. Not cowed by children, but caring about them.

Sad for your kids that you have such a revolting attitude.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 06/01/2021 18:20

Wait till both your kids have moved out.
My mother waited and dated until I had gone off to Nursing school at 18 and older sister had got married the same year. Then moved in with her partner, his kids were younger and lived with their Mum and visited when they wanted. It worked out so much better, we actually came to like him very much and his kids, but had I been made to live with him at 16 life would have gone in a very differen direction for me.

TheOneLeggedJockey · 06/01/2021 18:22

I know the word ‘martyr’ is being thrown in as an insult, but to be honest, there is an air of dysfunctionality about the need to use it. Mum’s relationship with new man is the Most Important Thing.

I’d put my 16YO DD first, and wouldn’t think of it as martyring myself, mainly because it is what I would want to do, so that’s hardly martyring. But also because providing a dependable home life (for the sake of two years!?) is easily going to provide the best outcomes. Mum still gets to have her relationship with her man.

I suspect the OP will do whatever she wants in the end.

TheQueef · 06/01/2021 18:23

Your timing is shit.
You need to wait.

Chloemol · 06/01/2021 18:25

Wait until she finishes school, then mov3, or can he move to you?

Toomanycats99 · 06/01/2021 18:26

My parents wanted to move about 25 miles when I was 17. I was not happy! I remember saying I would leave home leave college get a job so I could stay where I was. I possibly could have continued at college from the new location just with a long commute. It was also going to a more rural area. They ended up (just) waiting for me to finish college and moved about a month after I finished.

marshmallowfluffy · 06/01/2021 18:29

I've heard a lot of stories of people not liking their stepparents when they were teenagers but liking them once they'd grown up and thought about the past. I think it's possible for your teens to come around to him later.

I wouldn't expect it to happen before uni though. If you "force " a move she could make things difficult/unbearable for your partner and his child as "revenge"

Moving to his city and maintaining a separate household is a compromise option worth considering though. Neither you or your dd would get everything that you wanted but she wouldn't have to live with him and you'd be much closer to your partner.

Bakingcupcake · 06/01/2021 18:40

She will resent him and you even more if you rip her away from her fruends, really not a good age to disrupt her life, majority are saying wait and i completely agree, not that you dont deserve a new partner and life but you choseto have children and they should come first especially when shes not even an "adult" at 16

StiffyByng1 · 06/01/2021 18:43

I so feel for you OP. Teen girls can be so egocentric. A buddy of mine has a lovely relationship, and her daughter has no axe to grind whatsoever, she just doesn’t want change. She makes all so miserable. I’m sure she’ll grow out of it, but it’s sad to see a 17 yo be so manipulative.

unmarkedbythat · 06/01/2021 18:46

I love the attempts to paint anything other than dictatorial parenting as martyrdom. It is not being a martyr to consider your children's needs and to recognise that there are when major disruption to their lives should be avoided unless absolutely necessary. OP wants to move. She does not need to.