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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Moving in with new partner but teens are saying no

206 replies

palindrome666 · 06/01/2021 16:21

I've been separated from my ex for 6 years and he now lives abroad. We have two girls, 16 and 20 and I am the sole carer. One at home, the other at uni. Two and a half years ago I met my new partner who lives 150 miles away. We have fallen in love but taken things very slowly for the kids' sake. But my girls have been quite hostile to him from the start, although we did manage a holiday together last summer with his 2 boys and my younger DD (and her friend). He stayed with us over the first lockdown. But still they haven't softened towards him, even though he's a lovely man and very easy going (the rest of my family adore him). We are both committed to the relationship and want to live together in a new home in the city where he lives. With my eldest moving into her final year at uni, and my younger DD about to start 6th form, summer 2021 seems the best time. I've floated the idea to them but they have flat-out refused to move. I'm less concerned about my older DD who is flying the nest, but feel for my younger who wants to stay here where her friends and family are. I've said that we will visit regularly and her friends can come and visit us but she's adamant that she won't go. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced similar with their kids and how they resolved it? Is it time for tough love or should I respect her wishes and stay put, putting my own feelings and needs aside?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 06/01/2021 17:27

Can he move to you?

He has children so the same issues are likely to apply.

Ticklytoes · 06/01/2021 17:30

Has your daughter visited the new city?

movingonup20 · 06/01/2021 17:30

I've been through this (kids slightly older) and they have come around. They were both at university so a bit easier however even if they were younger I would have gone ahead. You haven't rushed things and obviously have good reasons as to why you want to move areas. It's no different to if you were still with their dad and you were moving for work as far as I'm concerned. Whilst sensitivity is needed, you get to decide where you live. Teens and young adults can be tricky around divorce and new relationships, far more stubborn than younger children, but as long as there's not some back story I would say you should move

Didiusfalco · 06/01/2021 17:30

You've been a good mum by thinking about their needs and stability. You just need to carry on being a good mum for a couple of years. 16 would be a very difficult point to be uprooted to live with a man and his sons who you are not related to. You love him, she doesn't and probably would rather not live with him anywhere, never mind miles from home.

ThePlantsitter · 06/01/2021 17:32

As a younger child, I'm pretty sure your 16 yr old would take it very personally if you did this when you stayed until her older sister had left home. If she liked the man it would be a bit different.

Not as bad as if you moved away and left her with a relative/friend, which some people consider a suitable alternative, though.

Oblomov20 · 06/01/2021 17:34

Ds1 has just started school 6th form, so I can understand her POV re not wanting to move.

AlexaShutUp · 06/01/2021 17:35

I think it would be very selfish to move her now, sorry. Particularly after the year we've had. Just wait a couple of years until she goes off to university.

Joolsin · 06/01/2021 17:39

I think there are actually two issues here: The move, and the girls' hostile behaviour towards your partner, which as I read it, predates the idea of the move. Whilst I completely agree with other posters that you should wait until your younger daughter finishes school before moving, I think both girls need to be challenged about their behaviour towards him - they are more than old enough to understand that they don't have to like him (even if you and everyone else does), but that hostility is rude and not acceptable.

marshmallowfluffy · 06/01/2021 17:42

Some teens aren't city people. One of mine is but the other thinks that growing up in the suburbs was great.

I would personally wait until y13 is over. I would like to move but will wait until my y10 finishes y13.

Meredithgrey1 · 06/01/2021 17:42

I would wait for the sake of your younger DD. But tbh I’d say your older DD doesn’t really get a say.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/01/2021 17:42

So the plan would be to go over the summer once she's "done" her GCSEs and as eldest considers coming home or not?

I think it's fine to tell eldest "this is where I live now, you can come or not" but I don't think you should force a 16 to 150 miles away from everyone she knows all you can see your bf more. If you've decided you've made them you're priority for long enough, is there family she could lodge with?

IceIceBebe · 06/01/2021 17:45

When you're 17 a city promises much more freedom

And yet she still doesn't want to go. Says a lot.

If you force this, make sure you love him enough that he's worth losing your children over.

popsydoodle4444 · 06/01/2021 17:45

I'm sorry but I'm going to go against the grain here,

OP is the resident parent for her children her partner isn't for his so if they move in together they need to live where the OP partner lives.

The 20 year old is independent and the 16 year old will be moving to college anyway.When you start college not all of your friends go and your friendship group from school naturally evolves anyway;two years later the teenager will leave for university anyway and will have to make new friends;why can't she do it 2 years earlier?

I've noticed no one has taken into account the kids father lives abroad;the OP is parenting alone and a live in partner would be be beneficial for both OP and her daughter;a full time step father might actually be nice to have around.The reason for the kids hostility is that their use to having things their own way and feel threatened by change but change can be a good thing.

The OP is already putting her life on hold for the next 7 months until the school holidays but people are expecting her to put her life on hold for the next 2 years and 9 months when the university academic year 2023/24 starts.

It's all well saying "do this" but we're strangers on the internet and we don't live the OP's life.

Wotrewelookinat · 06/01/2021 17:53

I think your youngest will resent you if you move her away from her friends, and I think you have to put her feeling first here and wait until she’s left home.

SparklePiggy · 06/01/2021 17:55

I have a friend who's mother did this to him as a 16 year old.

I would say it's irrevocably damaged their relationship, he's 40 now.

Carolofthebellies · 06/01/2021 17:56

Bad timing to move. Let her finish her A-levels first (at least when she goes to a college she will know a few people) or let your DP to move over to you.

AcornAutumn · 06/01/2021 17:57

I think moving abroad would be horrible to have forced on you. Don't do it.

In fact, this is controversial but if you do it in future without them, don't whine if they don't want to visit.

CheltenhamLady · 06/01/2021 17:58

When you have kids you make sacrifices, this is just another one OP. Wait 2 years and then move. It will soon pass.

AlexaShutUp · 06/01/2021 17:58

It's all well saying "do this" but we're strangers on the internet and we don't live the OP's life.

Sure, but the OP has asked these strangers on the internet for their thoughts.

LizzieMacQueen · 06/01/2021 17:59

He's not called Alan is he? If so PM me and I'll tell you the tale of my sister @palindrome666

notalwaysalondoner · 06/01/2021 17:59

If she's staying at the same school then it's less clear cut. But I'd still probably be inclined to wait - 2 years isn't forever in the scheme of things, especially if he can stay a lot due to WFH.

If she's moving school you should wait.

GingerNorthernLass · 06/01/2021 17:59

For the sake of a couple of years I would wait. I think it would be pretty unfair of your youngest if you moved now.

Carolofthebellies · 06/01/2021 17:59

Also, your youngest will resent you for this. She obviously can't understand why you can't stay for your daughter who is you skin and blood.

user1491404899 · 06/01/2021 18:00

My husbands mum did this when he turned 16. Said either you come too or that's it. He ended up sofa surfing for 2 years. He's never forgiven her.

Myshinynewname2021 · 06/01/2021 18:01

I'm going to say if she's not at school or seeing her friends the natural rhythm of life is disrupted for her anyway, friendship groups aren't going to survive this intact. Why not use that time to move to somewhere that ultimately would be better for her socially?

No doubt she's digging her heels in because it involves moving in with him. Why don't you tell her the choices are a) he moves in with you both or b) you both move to the new location (which as it happens is closer to a social life)? I bet she is just as anti him moving in.

You could also point out that if she's going to want you to ferry her around driving for miles around the countryside when she's older you that it's not going to happen. Whereas if you lived more centrally it might. Focus on the what's in it for her.

Teenage girls can be controlling and spoilt. Happy for mum to be single and unhappy when it suits them but will cast you aside once real life comes along. Their brains haven't quite learnt to see you as a real person with your own needs.

If this man is good and makes you happy and you see a future and she's not ripping herself away from a close knit group and fantastic local hobbies /sports then I think allowing her to dictate to you is not appropriate. Apologies to all the martyr mummies but I just think that you've made them feel safe - but decisions are not there's to make, ultimately. And the real world isn't going to treat them like princesses.