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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Moving in with new partner but teens are saying no

206 replies

palindrome666 · 06/01/2021 16:21

I've been separated from my ex for 6 years and he now lives abroad. We have two girls, 16 and 20 and I am the sole carer. One at home, the other at uni. Two and a half years ago I met my new partner who lives 150 miles away. We have fallen in love but taken things very slowly for the kids' sake. But my girls have been quite hostile to him from the start, although we did manage a holiday together last summer with his 2 boys and my younger DD (and her friend). He stayed with us over the first lockdown. But still they haven't softened towards him, even though he's a lovely man and very easy going (the rest of my family adore him). We are both committed to the relationship and want to live together in a new home in the city where he lives. With my eldest moving into her final year at uni, and my younger DD about to start 6th form, summer 2021 seems the best time. I've floated the idea to them but they have flat-out refused to move. I'm less concerned about my older DD who is flying the nest, but feel for my younger who wants to stay here where her friends and family are. I've said that we will visit regularly and her friends can come and visit us but she's adamant that she won't go. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced similar with their kids and how they resolved it? Is it time for tough love or should I respect her wishes and stay put, putting my own feelings and needs aside?

OP posts:
Shingleballs · 06/01/2021 18:47

If you force the move it’s got a high chance of being a misery for both her, and you and your partner. And also may effect your relationship with her long term.
Tbh I think you should look at why you’re even asking the question of moving a settled 16year old to live with a man she doesn’t like.
Put her first, children don’t ask to be born.

DramaAlpaca · 06/01/2021 18:47

You need to put your daughter first at least until she's finished school.

SoupDragon · 06/01/2021 18:54

I'm going to say if she's not at school or seeing her friends the natural rhythm of life is disrupted for her anyway, friendship groups aren't going to survive this intact. Why not use that time to move to somewhere that ultimately would be better for her socially?

Yes, move her away from an established friendship group and take her somewhere she will know no one and have no chance to make friends. DD's friendship group survived the last lockdown perfectly well and was picked up again over the summer. Try doing that when you know no one.

Mintjulia · 06/01/2021 18:55

Don't do it, they will destroy your relationship.

Wait another couple of years before making the move. You can spend more weekends together as your daughter is old enough to fend for herself while you do. But don't try to blend the family. Don't have him move in with you. They will make his life hell.

Levirandal · 06/01/2021 18:57

I think if your dd is dead set I would hold off for two years. Your dd wants to stay where she is, doesn’t especially like your partner and yet you want to move her. 16 is a difficult age and it could cause long term damage if you’re seen to be choosing your partner over her.

Sarahandco · 06/01/2021 18:59

If you would be moving to somewhere where there are more opportunities - then I would talk to her and explain that she will make new friends at college as many of the other students will be new too.

There may be better leisure ect

Youseethethingis · 06/01/2021 19:05

There’s nothing to be gained from moving in now. Your DD is at precisely the worst age for this type of change. Too young to strike out alone, too old to be dictated to in this way, with too much to lose if things go the way she fears.
If you wait you get more of the lovely dating stage, no washing pants or compromising on the tv etc. and you don’t risk damaging your relationship with your DD and your DP too.

Original poster
palindrome666 · 06/01/2021 19:08

@AlexaShutUp

It's all well saying "do this" but we're strangers on the internet and we don't live the OP's life.

Sure, but the OP has asked these strangers on the internet for their thoughts.

She did. Ha. What a mistake.
OP posts:
Viviennemary · 06/01/2021 19:09

I think it would be too difficult for the 16 year old if you move. She would have to make a whole new set of friends. Change college/school. It would be awful.

IceIceBebe · 06/01/2021 19:09

Teen girls can be so egocentric. A buddy of mine has a lovely relationship, and her daughter has no axe to grind whatsoever, she just doesn’t want change. She makes all so miserable. I’m sure she’ll grow out of it, but it’s sad to see a 17 yo be so manipulative

Who talks like this about children? Its not egocentric and its not manipulative to not like someone, and not want to move. It's normal.
If someone told you tomorrow that you had to move somewhere you didn't want to go. with someone you didn't want to live with, and you had no choice, would it be egocentric? Would it be manipulative to say no?
Of course not, so why is it because the person is 16 or 17? Answer is: it's not.

PurpleMustang · 06/01/2021 19:09

To be honest your DD's are probably a bit hostile as you put it because they knew this was coming. Even the one at uni would enjoy coming back home and being able to see her friends. The 16 yr old is going to hate the idea. Surely you can remember being that age. Everything you know and familiar with would be gone

DPotter · 06/01/2021 19:14

Moving away from her friends and school could be absolutely nothing to do with your new man. She could be wanting to stay local if you were single and wanting to move.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 06/01/2021 19:25

It would be martyr behaviour to stop dating because of DC throwing a strop. It's not being a martyr to wait literally two more years before uprooting everyone's lives.

It's not just moving to a new city which is change enough in itself, it's also the change that comes with moving into a new family dynamic with a relative stranger (to the DDs at least).

Ukholidaysaregreat · 06/01/2021 19:30

I think put your DD first for the next 2yrs. You can do long weekends etc. If it is a good relationship it will wait until she has gone to uni and you can both move on together.

TheOneLeggedJockey · 06/01/2021 19:33

She did. Ha. What a mistake.

So it sounds like you just wanted validation from this thread to do what you want to do.

Good luck.

dottiedodah · 06/01/2021 19:44

I think you are being a little unfair here TBH. Just because you have fallen in love with a "lovely" man your girls havent ! and Teenagers are entitled to a say in their future lives .Living with someone is completely different to dating them ,and they are not going to welcome living with a different man miles from their home! Maybe see how things look when we are out of lockdown .ATM She would not be permitted to see her friends and do Sleepovers anyway .

TheOneLeggedJockey · 06/01/2021 19:48

You’re annoyed that your girls don’t like him, so you’re considering doing something that will make them hate him, and resent you.

Icenii · 06/01/2021 19:50

My friends parents moved to Scotland when we were 17 and left him with the house for 18 months to finish school. They would come back to visit, he would go up there. It was bloody brilliant.

OneFootintheRave · 06/01/2021 19:52

@saraclara

I wouldn't subject him to living with a desperately unhappy 16 year old, to be honest.

This plan sounds awful for both of them. And his kids, if she ends up being horrible to be around. You really are picking the worst time to remove a teenager from her locality and her friends.

^ This
Milliepossum · 06/01/2021 19:56

@TheOneLeggedJockey

She did. Ha. What a mistake.

So it sounds like you just wanted validation from this thread to do what you want to do.

Good luck.

Moving a 16 year old girl into a house with a male she doesn’t like is disgusting. It’s highly likely you will wreck both your relationship with your daughter and with this man.
Songbird232018 · 06/01/2021 20:03

Gosh people are so rude and negative! Is there a way you can trial run it? So you guys move down with him for 4 weeks or so, let your daughter get to know the surroundings, have her friends over and see if her opinion changes at all?

It may still be a no of course but it's worth a try :)
You deserve to be happy and he's that may mean waiting 2 years realistically but I think there's steps you can do in the meantime so keep your relationship moving forward as there's a good chance your girls won't give a jot in two years and you don't want to nepotistic a relationship ok teenage angst

TheOneLeggedJockey · 06/01/2021 20:18

Love the dismissal of not wanting to move from your home, friends, school as ‘teenage angst’.

It’s very easy to make choices that benefit you when you completely disregard the needs of the other people materially affected.

And if the relationship is going to be jeopardised by a bit of ‘teenage angst’ then that says it all.

sassbott · 06/01/2021 20:34

It’s a tough one OP.

All I’ll say is this. I don’t know why your DD’s don’t like him (odd?). But would I uproot a 16 year old against their will to force them to live in an area they didn’t want?

Yes. If it was a serious situation (to get them out of an area). Or if it was money related - I had to take a job somewhere, that was my only job. I mean it would have to be for a very serious reason. And by that I mean that when I had said child railing at me for ‘ruining their life’, I could legitimately respond with a heartfelt ‘I did this for the best for all of us.’ Because as a parent, we sometimes have to make those difficult choices.

Only you know your personal situation and your feelings. You mention at one point it would be better for work. Well would it? Are you in any financial difficulty?

If you do this and hand on heart can respond with you did what you think was best for everyone. Then go for it.

Original poster
palindrome666 · 06/01/2021 20:46

@TheOneLeggedJockey

She did. Ha. What a mistake.

So it sounds like you just wanted validation from this thread to do what you want to do.

Good luck.

No, hoping for some more considered responses though. Thankfully, there are a few.
OP posts:
Monstermissy36 · 06/01/2021 20:47

One of my young people was moved into the boyfriends house against her wishes and years down the line still hates it. It has spoilt her relationship with her mum and well I work in mental health so... 🤷‍♀️ it's not gone well! If you know she's not happy to before you do please reconsider.