Moving in with new partner but teens are saying no

[palindrome666]

I've been separated from my ex for 6 years and he now lives abroad. We have two girls, 16 and 20 and I am the sole carer. One at home, the other at uni. Two and a half years ago I met my new partner who lives 150 miles away. We have fallen in love but taken things very slowly for the kids' sake. But my girls have been quite hostile to him from the start, although we did manage a holiday together last summer with his 2 boys and my younger DD (and her friend). He stayed with us over the first lockdown. But still they haven't softened towards him, even though he's a lovely man and very easy going (the rest of my family adore him). We are both committed to the relationship and want to live together in a new home in the city where he lives. With my eldest moving into her final year at uni, and my younger DD about to start 6th form, summer 2021 seems the best time. I've floated the idea to them but they have flat-out refused to move. I'm less concerned about my older DD who is flying the nest, but feel for my younger who wants to stay here where her friends and family are. I've said that we will visit regularly and her friends can come and visit us but she's adamant that she won't go. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced similar with their kids and how they resolved it? Is it time for tough love or should I respect her wishes and stay put, putting my own feelings and needs aside?

My friends parents moved to Scotland when we were 17 and left him with the house for 18 months to finish school. They would come back to visit, he would go up there. It was bloody brilliant.

The mother of one of my friends did something like that, unilaterally. (She was a single parent). My friend, and their relationship, is still damaged by it 25 years later, even though her house was all her friends' party central back when she was 16.

No, OP. You don't make your 16 year old daughter move away from her home and in with a man she doesn't like, that's awful.

I'd also be concerned that both your daughters don't like him. That's not just 'grumpy teens' that's a red flag.

Get him to move in with you, as it'd be a very big change for your girls.
It's hard enough being a teen in your home town or at the place you grew up with your friends, let alone in a new city.
I say you put your foot down that he's gonna live with you, but you make it easier on them by choosing where you're gonna live.

I think if youve stayed there 6 years to give her stability, then it would undo everything to rock the boat now when its more important. Would have been easier at 10.
Id wait till shes eighteen and heading off to uni or to work

No, hoping for some more considered responses though. Thankfully, there are a few

By considered you mean agreeing with you. Try looking at the rest, and take the advice.

A considered response doesn't mean a response that agrees with you. Most people have said that moving a 16 year old 150 miles away to live with a man she doesn't like is a bad idea. It really isn't rocket science.

As a woman who was a teen/YA with my mums boyfriend in the house... it's really really uncomfortable having a male you're not related to live with you at that age.

It begins to feel like it's not your home. You can't wear what you want (pj shorts and a vest in summer or no bra), if you forget a towel in the shower it's a covert operation to sprint to get one. You try and be silent while having a shit. You have to make awkward conversation in your own house.

Add to that you want to remove her from her friends? Yabu. It's only 2 years til she goes to uni.

If you do force it, get her a lock on her bedroom door.

With covid still around now much time will she actually spend with her friends this year?

On the other hand it will make it much harder for her to meet new people and make new connections if you move as she will have limited opportunitiesto meet new people.
Has she spent much time in the new city?
It is a really tricky one.

How old are your partners sons? I can imagine living with 2 younger teenage boys would be very off putting at 16 too.

Would your relationship survive 2 more years living apart?
How did you all get on living together first time?

OP why don't you compromise by moving your DP in for the next two years until your youngest goes to university and then, if all has gone well, move to the city when she goes to uni/leaves school and gets a job?

Wait until your youngest has finished school. If she's hostile to your new partner now, forcing her to move will only make things a million times worse.

Regardless of your objective 'right' or otherwise to do this, whether doing so makes you selfish or not, even regardless of how unhappy it makes your daughter, I think it would have the potential to be a disaster for YOU. It could really blow up in your face and ruin your relationship with both your partner and your daughter if the living situation was overly hostile, conflict-filled or even just low-level tense. She might hold it against you forever and he might think this is just too much like hard work (as many people have advised people in your partners shoes on these boards). I would hold off for the 2 years and then see where you are and meanwhile enjoy the more long-distance relationship which frankly seems to deliver all the benefits and none of the stress.

Between 16-18 is a really important time educationally at school . There’s no way I would have wanted to be uprooted to a new school at that age ! She needs to focus on maintaining her education and not dealing with huge upheaval.
Why can’t he move towards you ? I wouldn’t be doing the moving . How do you know you’ll even get on living together ? Could him moving in with you or renting nearby be a good trial . I agree with the other responses not to move and hope you see sense on it . Best wishes

Please wait the 2 years. If your partner is good enough he'll wait too.
What you're considering for your daughter is similar to what my DH went through at the same age and on top of an already difficult situation (your daughter has lockdown to deal with, DH had something very distressing going on too) plus the feeling of his dad being replaced. It was too much at such a critical time in his schooling. 15 years later he's in counseling still trying to deal with the after effects. My advice would be to please, please wait.

I don't get the comment about teenage girls being hostile...I certainly wasn't and neither were my sisters, DDs, nieces etc.

Teenagers can be a bit stroppy sometimes, but I would try and ask them why they don't like him. They say they do...but their actions show otherwise.

Even if they did like him, it doesn't mean your DD16 will want to live in a house with him and his DC when he has them. That's a whole different situation.

I think the more pressing issue is the hostility from your dds to your partner. You can’t really progress ‘anything’ without resolving that first. Whatever that’s about, it seems the biggest problem.

With covid still around now much time will she actually spend with her friends this year?
With Covid still around, how would she make new friends? She'd be stuck in the house with this man she doesn't like and his offspring, with nowhere to escape to and no friends.

I wouldn't move my kids at this important stage in their lives. Why can't it wait a couple of years?

If the girls do not like him after having had the opportunity to live with him in your home, why do you think that things will be better by uprooting them to move into his home? Your cast of characters won't change. Your family may adore him, but they did not have the experience of living with him.

If your relationship cannot withstand the 2_year wait for your daughter to finish school, it does not sound like a very sustainable relationship long term. Has he grown weary of a commuting relationship?

It sounds as though you are asking your daughters to give up a lot for a situation that offers no real benefit to them and only a hope of something better for yourself.

The move seems to be all about you. Admit to yourself that you would be making this move for the sole purpose of making yourself happy. I am not criticizing your plan, but you should be totally honest about your motivation and that which you are willing to risk to keep this particular man.

16 is probably the worst age to move. I wouldn't even consider moving my dc at that age. Can your boyfriend not move to your area?

Interesting that on another thread here a woman wants to take her 14 year old to CANADA because they have some relatives there and 'they as a family' like skiing and kayaking.

Everyone is highly supportive of this move. The daughters not keen but never mind.

Meanwhile this could easily be solved. Give her the choice of DP moving in with them or them moving somewhere in a town. And see her kick up a huge fuss because doesn't want either.

Somehow I'm not sure how dad going cross country skiing (dads the one that wants this) whenever he wants is more ok than mum wanting to be with her long term partner instead of stuck in lockdown without him being lonely after years giving everything up for her teens as a single mum.

Ah the logic of mumsnet.

@palindrome666 I haven't read through because I'm not going to look at this as a step parenting issue but more as a parenting issue - bare with me.
I too live someplace not of my choosing & have remained here for the sake of my dc as it's a great place for kids to grow up. This choice has benefitted my dc but not me - most specifically career wise.
If my dc's change in school cycles had ever matched - i.e. one finishing primary as the other finished junior cycle (Irish equivalent of GCSE's) I would have bitten the bullet & moved, but I always had someone in the middle of an exam cycle as another finished a cycle & I was never prepared to move a kid mid cycle.
Due to the above I always felt that the stress of a move would outweigh the benefits & so I left it.
I know myself that I could absolutely have managed a move if the cycles had lined up & a happier me would have been able to assist the struggles my dc would have had moving & moving during a cycle break can be framed positively.
Staying put for me has meant happy kids who have a more physically present mother but it has involved huge personal sacrifices for me & now, with a 24, 18 & 15 year old I am really struggling to be seen as a person in my own right by them. They are great kids - not entitled at all - but they are so used to being prioritised that any kickback from me now is being met with incredulity & they are struggling a bit to adjust.
What I would say to you is to really examine the reasons you want to move & see if those reasons can wait until your dd is 18. However (your relationship aside), if you feel that both you & your dd will achieve a better quality of life then maybe you should go for it. Don't move for a relationship but do move if you think that even without that relationship moving to wear you would like to be will benefit you & dd.
Either way if I were you I would be having very frank conversations with my daughter & even if you do stay put for the next 2 years I would be preparing her for you eventually moving & for the permanency of your relationship (if it is indeed permanent). If this man is your choice then as an adult she will need to get her head around that & adjust her behaviour.
In short: do not stay put JUST because of your dd & do not move JUST because of a relationship. Really examine what your needs & wants around how YOU want to live & what will make YOUR life easier for the next two years & decide accordingly.

Oh and for everyone saying it's two years have none of you got children over 18 living at home? because a child leaving at 18 is not the norm. It's not two years it's five.

I think that many of you who are happily cohabiting with a partner need to give their heads a wobble. Living on your own is NOT FUN. Sorting every fucking thing out on your own. Paying for everything yourself. Fixing everything organising everything. Having no one to have a glass of wine with after a bad day. No one to sit in the garden with on a summers evening. Maybe you're happy with it. Or you don't have to because you are married.

But I can tell you got many people by the time you get to your 50s you are sick to fucking death of it. It's expensive, it's lonely and it's hard fucking work.

So how about the OP? You act like she's just there as a slave to her daughters. A robot that doesn't need companionship, or sex, for anything apart from to make her spoilt teenage daughter happy. It's misogynistic.

And in your 50s you start to think about retirement. And saving money and having someone to spend it with becomes VERY important. This is their last chance to build up a nest egg and running two households is not helping.

OP just take your daughter to family therapy (a short term one - on zoom) so they can work with this because she is BU and that's not going away and say yes. Allow her a choice of room (not above you and DP) and make sure she has privacy and an en-suite likes the area and the house. Offer her an incentive of an item she wants and explain the advantages to her very clearly.

More money. Closer to shops and things to do. This is a chance to change things she doesn't like.

She just needs help to start seeing you as a person instead of her possession - because if you end up single as a result of her selfishness will she care? Will she fuck. She will have moved on to the beginning of her exciting life and the posters here will have moved on to lecturing someone else in how to be a super martyr mummy. Not everyone wants to be single and on their own people. It's hard work.

@Yippeeforme

Please wait the 2 years. If your partner is good enough he'll wait too. What you're considering for your daughter is similar to what my DH went through at the same age and on top of an already difficult situation (your daughter has lockdown to deal with, DH had something very distressing going on too) plus the feeling of his dad being replaced. It was too much at such a critical time in his schooling. 15 years later he's in counseling still trying to deal with the after effects. My advice would be to please, please wait.

YOUR DH. So you are not living alone then? So really you have no idea, do you? Do you really think this is the same thing? Because I'm betting your DH had a very different situation and not a decent partner to his parent who he has known and known about for several years.

In my experience it's pretty common for over 18s to live at uni during term time and with parents during the holidays. Not everyone goes to uni but OP's dd2 probably knows if it's her goal or not.

I have an over 18 child living with me but being an adult he has choices about where to live unlike his younger siblings.

If it's a choice between paying rent or living with their mum during the holidays, the DD's might decide to suck it up and be polite which is something that OP can reasonably expect from them.