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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Moving in with new partner but teens are saying no

206 replies

palindrome666 · 06/01/2021 16:21

I've been separated from my ex for 6 years and he now lives abroad. We have two girls, 16 and 20 and I am the sole carer. One at home, the other at uni. Two and a half years ago I met my new partner who lives 150 miles away. We have fallen in love but taken things very slowly for the kids' sake. But my girls have been quite hostile to him from the start, although we did manage a holiday together last summer with his 2 boys and my younger DD (and her friend). He stayed with us over the first lockdown. But still they haven't softened towards him, even though he's a lovely man and very easy going (the rest of my family adore him). We are both committed to the relationship and want to live together in a new home in the city where he lives. With my eldest moving into her final year at uni, and my younger DD about to start 6th form, summer 2021 seems the best time. I've floated the idea to them but they have flat-out refused to move. I'm less concerned about my older DD who is flying the nest, but feel for my younger who wants to stay here where her friends and family are. I've said that we will visit regularly and her friends can come and visit us but she's adamant that she won't go. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced similar with their kids and how they resolved it? Is it time for tough love or should I respect her wishes and stay put, putting my own feelings and needs aside?

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 06/01/2021 16:33

I think it would be hugely unfair for you to move away, at least before your youngest turns 18. It's irrelevant whether the rest of your family adore your DP - they're not being asked to live with him. Your talk of "putting my own feelings and needs aside" might be valid if your children were very young, or if you were at least staying in the same town, but true love will wait for just two more years.

You have a right to your own life and your children don't get to decide who you date. But uprooting their entire lives when you're this close to your youngest becoming an adult is a completely different kettle of fish and selfish imo.

saraclara · 06/01/2021 16:33

I wouldn't subject him to living with a desperately unhappy 16 year old, to be honest.

This plan sounds awful for both of them. And his kids, if she ends up being horrible to be around. You really are picking the worst time to remove a teenager from her locality and her friends.

Original poster
palindrome666 · 06/01/2021 16:33

@ShinyGreenElephant

You can't move a 16yo away from friends and family just for a man! If it was a case of him moving in with you and she was refusing that would be different, but to give up your entire life at 16 for your mums partner who you don't even like would be awful. I would only do that to my kids in an absolute emergency, eg their lives were in danger or we would be left homeless. Either he needs to move to you or you wait 2 years until she is old enough to have the option to move out.
It's not a question of "just for a man". It's a question of the opportunity to move to a place I like (from a place I don't like but have lived in for the past 6 years to give my kids stability) and a place where I can make my business work.
OP posts:
VinterKvinna · 06/01/2021 16:33

I wasn't intending on pulling her out of school. We live in the boondocks. When you're 17 a city promises much more freedom.

Maybe she wants to 6th form with people she knows, and in a place she knows

SlipperyLizard · 06/01/2021 16:34

I think you should wait until your youngest DD has reached 18.

Personally if DH and I ever split up, I don’t think I’d ever move in with a man again (whatever the age of the kids). Seems to me that’s when the problems start ...

Original poster
palindrome666 · 06/01/2021 16:34

@AlwaysLatte

I really wouldn't uproot a 16 year old. Although I don't know what I would do!
No, I do feel for her. Of course.
OP posts:
Labobo · 06/01/2021 16:37

I wouldn't move a 16 year old girl away from her school and friends to be with a man. Sorry, but I think that would be cruel and deeply selfish, especially after the hellish year they've had socially with lockdown and school closures. You can wait two more years. Once she's an adult, she can make her own decisions about where to live. Right now, she can't. Allow her the continuity of her friendships and her familiar home life for two more years.

Pillowcase123 · 06/01/2021 16:39

Please listen to your daughter. Teens can be hardwork at the best of times - can you imagine how much worse that would be for you and her if your forcibly moved her away to live with a man she doesnt like?

I'm sorry, but it's coming across a little selfish here. You say you've been taking it slow for the kids, well it's clear she needs more time. Is it possible to wait a few more years?

andweallsingalong · 06/01/2021 16:42

Having been the child in this situation I'd say to have a backup plan so maybe we're all moving in July 2021, but if you've given it a good shot for 6 weeks and hate it you can move back with aunt Phylis up the road / I'll put down the deposit on a flat or whatever you're comfortable with.

I moved, new school, area I hated and difficult step father. Very difficult time and I wish I had spoken up more and found a way to stay with family. Didn't as I felt it would upset my mum.

A boy in my class did similar, but when he hated it was allowed to move back to our hometown and same school. It worked well for their family and he was much happier.

unmarkedbythat · 06/01/2021 16:44

Is it time for tough love or should I respect her wishes and stay put, putting my own feelings and needs aside?

Respect her needs and wishes and wait two years.

I think the need for a bit of 'tough love' is yours, to be honest. You can wait. If your partner is worth it, he will wait. Your daughter shouldn't be uprooted for sixth form unless it's absolutely necessary. Two years, and then you can live where you like and with whom you like, for the rest of your life.

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 06/01/2021 16:44

I would wait for 2 - 3 years given you want to move there as much as move in with DP...

Your youngest needs you - and her life - to stay put whilst she finishes A levels and embarks on what comes next - uni or starting work.

We moved house to a new town just after my youngest started uni - she understood the reasons and agreed with us moving but was still upset by the reality of the move: not being able to go back for holidays and to see friends. Whilst she had a bedroom etc at the new house, to her it wasn't really home as she didn't move in with us at the time and so much changed.

Original poster
palindrome666 · 06/01/2021 16:47

OK thanks for the input everyone.

OP posts:
Positivelypatient · 06/01/2021 16:48

Im currently in a LDR and have been for nearly 10 years for this very reason. Would love to move 50 miles to live with DP but waiting until DD3 goes to uni in 2022. Did try to move me and DD3 a few years ago but she changed her mind so that idea was shelved.
I feel im happy I waited as once kids have flown the nest I am free to get on with the next chapter of my life. Also with no feelings of guilt for having uprooted or disrupted their lives.

Lemonpiano · 06/01/2021 16:48

It's not in your daughter's best interests to move, merely your own selfish desires. Don't try and justify that as good parenting by talking about "tough love". It's not.

The solution is that you don't move and you stop being selfish and manipulative.

RuthW · 06/01/2021 16:48

Wait until she's 18. Not fair on her.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/01/2021 16:48

I wasn't intending on pulling her out of school so what's the plan? Is she I'm boarding school?

YourWurstNightmare · 06/01/2021 16:58

It's a question of the opportunity to move to a place I like (from a place I don't like but have lived in for the past 6 years to give my kids stability)

She still needs stability. Why pull the rug when you're so close? Two years will save a lot of heartache.

AlternativePerspective · 06/01/2021 17:08

I suspect the reason they don’t like him is because it’s obvious they come second to him. You’re prepared to pull your sixteen year old out of school, away from everything she knows, because you fancy living in this place with a man. Don’t pretend that it’s not about being with a man, if he didn’t live there would you still be moving? I suspect not.

sadpapercourtesan · 06/01/2021 17:13

My 16yo would be devastated to be made to move. Everything that is important to him is here, it would be horrific for him to be uprooted now.

I think you're being selfish. I would wait until she's at the stage your older DD is at.

workshy44 · 06/01/2021 17:16

I would normally be on the adults side and I think (child first always rule) in practice doesn't always work and isn't always best. In this situation though I wouldn't pull her away from her school/friends at such a crucial stage in her life. 6 years ago no problem, kids that age start again v quickly
I think you should wait two years too I'm afraid !

GypsyLee · 06/01/2021 17:20

Your 16 year old may leave home then to live with a friend.
Awful suggestion to make her leave her friends, can you not wait for a couple of years or he move in with you.

1950s1 · 06/01/2021 17:20

having met him only two years ago and going on holiday with him as a family, I don't see how that is taking things slowly. Moving in with someone they haven't bonded with and moving them into a new home in a new area is going to be a big change for them, I feel like you're pushing all of this onto them and I don't think it's fair. You deserve to be happy but you can't be so selfish.

lunar1 · 06/01/2021 17:22

How would she feel about moving to the area, but not in with your boyfriend?

I don't understand how it won't affect education.

Doidontimmm · 06/01/2021 17:25

I was in a LDR for 3 years until last March when he moved to be with me, my daughter was 16, I could never have moved her at that age. Can he move to you?

Butterymuffin · 06/01/2021 17:27

Wait the extra two years till your younger DD finishes sixth form.