Moving in with new partner but teens are saying no

[palindrome666]

I've been separated from my ex for 6 years and he now lives abroad. We have two girls, 16 and 20 and I am the sole carer. One at home, the other at uni. Two and a half years ago I met my new partner who lives 150 miles away. We have fallen in love but taken things very slowly for the kids' sake. But my girls have been quite hostile to him from the start, although we did manage a holiday together last summer with his 2 boys and my younger DD (and her friend). He stayed with us over the first lockdown. But still they haven't softened towards him, even though he's a lovely man and very easy going (the rest of my family adore him). We are both committed to the relationship and want to live together in a new home in the city where he lives. With my eldest moving into her final year at uni, and my younger DD about to start 6th form, summer 2021 seems the best time. I've floated the idea to them but they have flat-out refused to move. I'm less concerned about my older DD who is flying the nest, but feel for my younger who wants to stay here where her friends and family are. I've said that we will visit regularly and her friends can come and visit us but she's adamant that she won't go. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced similar with their kids and how they resolved it? Is it time for tough love or should I respect her wishes and stay put, putting my own feelings and needs aside?

@AtrociousCircumstance

‘Nuanced response’ = posters who agree with you, right?

Don’t move your DD while she is this age.

If you do, you’re putting the needs of your partner and his kids above your own.

Nope, as I said. I've had insightful responses that are for and against moving.

My DH and i waited 10+ years to move in together, because I wanted my girls to have their own space with me as they’d been used to after my divorce. We both respected their need for a secure unit within which they could grow up, without any pressure from a situation that they had no control over and no choice in. I was in love, but to them he was just some random guy. My DH is also a fantastic man and they liked him and he them, and he used to stay over at weekends when he could (sometimes only once a month or so) and we all got along just fine. But we agreed together (him and I) that we would not live together until the girls were properly set up and well into being grown up, and we stuck to that. We waited until they were both well over 18. As they got older (my eldest 17+) I would go to his sometimes too. Yes it was hard sometimes to have to wait for ‘our’ life as a ‘proper couple’ to start, but I’m really glad we did it the way we did and we’ve never regretted it because we did right by them. Now we”re a very strong, established unit; both the girls love him, and he loves them too. It could have been very different, I feel, had I forced them into a situation they might not have wanted or felt comfortable with.

No way would I move my teenage daughter(s) 150 miles away for a man. Not at such a pivotal time.

@Ninkanink

My DH and i waited 10+ years to move in together, because I wanted my girls to have their own space with me as they’d been used to after my divorce. We both respected their need for a secure unit within which they could grow up, without any pressure from a situation that they had no control over and no choice in. I was in love, but to them he was just some random guy. My DH is also a fantastic man and they liked him and he them, and he used to stay over at weekends when he could (sometimes only once a month or so) and we all got along just fine. But we agreed together (him and I) that we would not live together until the girls were properly set up and well into being grown up, and we stuck to that. We waited until they were both well over 18. As they got older (my eldest 17+) I would go to his sometimes too. Yes it was hard sometimes to have to wait for ‘our’ life as a ‘proper couple’ to start, but I’m really glad we did it the way we did and we’ve never regretted it because we did right by them. Now we”re a very strong, established unit; both the girls love him, and he loves them too. It could have been very different, I feel, had I forced them into a situation they might not have wanted or felt comfortable with.

No way would I move my teenage daughter(s) 150 miles away for a man. Not at such a pivotal time.

Thanks for sharing. We do weekends too.

DSD’s mum moved in with a new partner when DSD was 16 and it was very difficult for DSD to lose her home and face so many changes to her life and the family dynamics at that stage. If it were me I would wait until she has finished her A Levels as I know that DSD would have coped much better with that. Her relationship with her mum and her dad has been damaged and it has been a really tough situation to be stuck in the middle of.

However it is your life too and you have to try and weigh up what is best for all of you. Good luck whatever you decide.

That’s good OP.

The use of the word nuance suggested that you think it’s a subtle/complex balance of factors whereas I think it’s pretty basic: put your child first.

Not having a go, though - it’s good you posted and are thinking it through.

@beautyboxaddict

DSD’s mum moved in with a new partner when DSD was 16 and it was very difficult for DSD to lose her home and face so many changes to her life and the family dynamics at that stage. If it were me I would wait until she has finished her A Levels as I know that DSD would have coped much better with that. Her relationship with her mum and her dad has been damaged and it has been a really tough situation to be stuck in the middle of.

However it is your life too and you have to try and weigh up what is best for all of you. Good luck whatever you decide.

DSD. So you were living with her father. And that was ok. But not ok for mum to meet someone and move in with them AFTER dad did. I'm imagine you have good reasons on your mind for the hypocrisy. But that doesn't make it less hypocritical.

@Myshinynewname2021
I’m under no illusions that as her fathers wife I have far less influence, for good or ill, on DSDs life than any live in partner or even husband of her DM would have.
Time is split EOW plus half holidays minimum, in reality it’s more to than that, but DSD would only say her mums home is her home, because that’s her main base.
You say PP is a hypocrite, but it is a different situation, even if you do not like it.

Families move all the time. If you were living with your ex husband and wanted to move no one would blink an eye.

But because your a single mother some times the consensus on MN is that you should let your children dictate what you do - add in that you want to do something because of a man you love posters make out your desperate.

I’d move. She’d have lots of opportunities in a city.

I moved in with ex dh when dd1 was 15, she was very stand offish with him. Looking back I think it was down to the fact some one else had my attention also. Eventually she grew to respect him and they are still good friends now and she’s actually told people in that he was her ‘dad’

Life is so short. If you want to move and believe you will all be happy ( past the sulking stage) then move. You will not ruin someone’s whole life my moving 150 miles away. She’s old enough to get the train to see her friends

I turned down a move when my youngest was 16, because they didn't want to go, and leave friends and school

10 years later, they completed their A levels at the school they were happy at, did very well, moved on to university, still lives near by, we are very close, we have a lovely relationship.

I did the right thing, definitely, not to uproot a child from where they were happy and settled, for my own selfish reasons.

Op
I wouldn't force a move. This has been such a shit time for teens. 16 is such a funny age.

I am wondering why your dds don't like him.
At 16, my daughter was a grumpy thing, and may have been hostile to a new partner.

She's 19 now, and has grown into someone who genuinely cares for me. If I moved away now, I think she would want me to be happy.
Has it been plain sailing with the DP?
How soon into the relationship did you say that if you moved in together then you would move? Could that be painting their perception of him?

Also, would they move, but to your own house for abit?

I don’t think you should try ‘tough love’. Personally I don’t think that’s an age or topic where tough love will get you anywhere but in more arguments

Sounds like a really difficult choice to make and it must be hard if your wants and needs are conflicting with your daughter.

As others have said overall I would choose to stay where you are and wait a couple miles years, firstly because you’re honest doesn’t want to move but also because if she doesn’t like him much living together ( especially after moving away from home) is not going to be enjoyable.

In 2-3 years she’ll be off to uni or have the option to stay where she is in her own place.

I moved when I was younger as ( at the risk of sounding dramatic) I found it really hard. It really did have a big impact on me and I missed my home, family and friends and made me feel totally disconnected. 16 is a difficult age for that to happen.

Her reason for moving has nothing to do with him but everything to do with her school, friends, life atm. Definitely she won't want to move. I can certainly imagine the proposal will make her resent him hence any backlash. It would be easier in her mind if you weren't seeing someone who was far away and taking her mother away with him. I totally get where she is coming from.

Seasaltyhair moving in with an adult man your 16 year old daughter doesn't want to live with - plus his sons - is not the same as a family moving to their own house / flat without adding in new adults and children to the household at the same time!

Most parents avoid moving teenagers around the country unless they absolutely have to for work or due to an unavoidable reason, even when they're not also changing the members of the household.

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Seasaltyhair moving in with an adult man your 16 year old daughter doesn't want to live with - plus his sons - is not the same as a family moving to their own house / flat without adding in new adults and children to the household at the same time!

Most parents avoid moving teenagers around the country unless they absolutely have to for work or due to an unavoidable reason, even when they're not also changing the members of the household.

This is all overwhelming obvious to anyone with half a brain. Incredible that it needs spelling out for some.

TheOneLeggedJockey

Do you always resort to name calling when someone doesn’t share your view?

Uprooting a 16 year old from friends and the life she knows would be so cruel not to mention she doesn’t like him.
I think you know this deep down.

Imagine how you would have felt at that age if it were you

She is still a child
You are the adult .....2 years will fly by

She will thank you for it in the long run and you won’t have regrets

I’m surprised your partner is ok with it ?

Look back over this thread .....99% say don’t move, but I actually think you still will

If you move to be with him you'd only be thinking of yourself, your own wants and desires op. You know this.

You could just move to this amazing different area and not force your child to have your boyfriend live with her, and enjoy dating him without the drudgery. I had to have various boyfriends of my (shit) mother in what was meant to be my home when I was a kid and I cannot see even one benefit to a child of having their parents sex partner forced into their lives. Anyone who convinces themselves otherwise is kidding themselves, nothing can make me think otherwise. It’s solely for the parents benefit.

@evenBetter I think that's a bit much! For my DD, me marrying DH allowed me to go part time at work then eventually have time off to have her baby sister, meaning we get far, far more time together and shes not in after school/breakfast clubs which she hated. Weve got far more money which means she can have nice things (I know there's more important things but dont believe there's any 11yo who doesn't care about having the latest iPhone and trainers). Shes now got a baby sister who she adores and a step sister who basically hero worships her - she only comes here once a month so to DD its like a fun sleepover rather than having to share her space all the time. DH drives so she gets lifts all over the place whereas we used to walk everywhere whatever the weather, and she loves watching stupid cartoons with him and playing chess (I can't get my head round it and thats always annoyed her). He is most definitely the soft one and the one who sneaks her treats, buys ice cream etc. So while I'm sure there is the odd time she wishes he would go away, overall he definitely has had a positive impact on her life, and they love each other a lot. Also, my stepdad got right on my nerves as a teenager but he was also a really positive person in my life and I wouldnt be without him for the world. So maybe don't generalise so much.

When she’s an adult she can live where ever she wants but for now you should be doing what make you happy. Just because your mum doesn’t mean your feelings have to come second.

I'm in a similar situation, my partner stays weekends only. We have been together almost three years.

My oldest is at uni, the youngest will hopefully go September. When this happens my partner will probably stay at mine more often, he is likely to remain WFH so that's possible.

He will not move in until both DC have finished uni. There are two reasons.

1.) I want them to have a home that is theirs/ours for them to come home too in the holidays etc.

2.) student finance would be impacted negatively. I think that would put unnecessary stress on our relationship as it would be substantial and he would need to contribute financially to support them.

Ultimately my aim is for the DC to complete their studies. Then I will focus on building my relationship with my partner. We are both in agreement with this and it works for us.

Just to add both my DC get on well with my partner, so no issues there, so that is not a factor for us not to live together.

Families move all the time. If you were living with your ex husband and wanted to move no one would blink an eye

Nonsense. We'd say the exact same thing: you don't move a 16 year old who doesn't want to unless you absolutely have to. Not just because you feel like it.

@Movinghouse2015

I'm in a similar situation, my partner stays weekends only. We have been together almost three years.

My oldest is at uni, the youngest will hopefully go September. When this happens my partner will probably stay at mine more often, he is likely to remain WFH so that's possible.

He will not move in until both DC have finished uni. There are two reasons.

1.) I want them to have a home that is theirs/ours for them to come home too in the holidays etc.

2.) student finance would be impacted negatively. I think that would put unnecessary stress on our relationship as it would be substantial and he would need to contribute financially to support them.

Ultimately my aim is for the DC to complete their studies. Then I will focus on building my relationship with my partner. We are both in agreement with this and it works for us.

Just to add both my DC get on well with my partner, so no issues there, so that is not a factor for us not to live together.

Thanks for your comment. It's a valid point about student finance as well.

Actually no but go in for a spot of step mum bashing if you like.

DSD’s mum has had partners before and lived with them too. The issue was nothing to do with the partner and everything to do with moving to a different area at that stage in her life.

I’m glad another poster raised student finance as this was one of the problems DSD had