My house my rules except when you're a step mum

[Dollyparton3]

Here's a corker.

Currently due to host Xmas day lunch for the in-laws and children. Adult DSD is working Xmas day (day shift)

DP asked the family for their consensus of what time they'd like me to serve lunch (I know, I'm fuming) and DSD has insisted everyone eats in the evening.

I've told DP I'll cook when it suits me and we always have lunch early afternoon.
I don't want to be cooking at 7:30 at night Xmas day and clearing up even later. MIL is now on her phone to DP telling me she'll cook nibbles all day to appease DSD.

I've told DP that DSD can have a plate of food left for her as it's her choice to work and MIl can eat when it served to her or else stay in her home. That's normal. Right?

You are absolutely not unreasonable to refuse to revolve the whole day around an individual who wasn't initially going to be there in the first place, and is now making petulant demands and rallying the family against you.

While she may not have any choice re her work roster on Christmas ,I cannot understand why(if she finishes in the afternoon and is so desperate to have Christmas at yours) she doesn't hustle straight on over after getting changed.
If she will not go straight to yours after work ( so you could have a late afternoon meal around 4/4.30) and wants to fanny around for several hours doing whatever till 7.30pm or so , while the rest of you wait before she graces you with her presence then too bad. Her loss. Completely self-inflicted. And I would feel this whether it was my own child, or another relative.
DSD is being unreasonable, not you. And so are your DP and your MIL.

I would maybe ask her for a definite work finish time. If it is 3pm, perhaps a compromise is a 4pm meal. But if she won't or can't confirm this , stick with your 2pm plan.

Can't believe the rubbish that step-mother's get on this site.

Christmas dinner at 7pm is way too late, you should tucking into nibbles, cheese and chocolate tins at that time watching crap telly on the sofa. Why does the day need to revoke round your SD? I'd her own mum won't change the time why the hell should you?!?

I agree, one of the most fun parts of Xmas day is making the worlds biggest doorstep gammon & turkey sarnie, and eating it with a load of cheese balls. That's a bit of tradition. That's normally done in my pj's in front of the telly.

So the update is that one I've said dinner will be served at 4 and no later, SD has said to my DH "mum just assumed you'd serve dinner in the evening because I'm working but seeing as you're not you just go ahead whenever suits you and save me a plate for the evening. Mum will make me some lunch for when I finish work in the afternoon. "

Several observations here.

1. we've never ever had lunch in the evening

2. nobody checked what time the kitchen was opening for service they just assumed we'd move

3. DH's ex definitely tried to palm this off

4. not a hint of a please or thank you

5. this wasn't texted to the group chat where my DH had asked the question so she's not even had the decency to respond to the mug that's been flapping about it all day.

6 I now make that a request for 2 Xmas dinners

Lunch is now at 2 pm and everyone can help themselves to a turkey sandwich in the evening.

And the lady who said my MIL is a dick was absolutely correct

I should add that I'll probably spend the majority of the evening in the bedroom with the dog now that I'm so livid with everyone, that's fine, the dog is a a cutie

Well, you read that one completely correctly.
SD's message would have just annoyed me more considering that basically she's confirming that no-one thought to actually ask if this was convenient, her Mum is also a cheeky fucker, she's not even that bothered, and your MIL is probably still going to be a pain about this.
Big sigh for you!

Yep, that's her all over though. SD thinks the world revolves around her. My SS is the opposite of that mindset.

I'm now hoping the in laws read the Daily Fail this morning and will now back out of coming due to COVID. That would be one problem sorted

@Dollyparton3

"Why are you fuming that your partner asked what suited people? To be so rigid with your ideas and routines you alienate people" mostly because he asked everyone except for me what works for them. As another poster said, he's thrown out the offer for me to be chief cook and bottle washer and assuming I'll fall into line on the day and cater to everyone else's needs.

I'm not the household maid I'm his wife and partner and think it only fair that I'm asked first.

The issue here isn't your DSD or your role as SM.

The issue here is that your DP puts your needs last and doesn't treat you as an equal partner.
He needs to fix this by telling his DD that the day has already been organised, abd because she isn't scheduled to be there anyway, it won't be changed to suit her.

You also need to get him to contribute to cooking/cleaning etc

Not just contribute, but lead on it if he wants it a particular way. Otherwise it's your way and people can help out plus thank you for your time and effort in arranging it.

OP you do seem to have avoided addressing all the comments about your DP's contribution to the cooking, clearing up and general hosting duties. Definitely something to think about moving forward. Speaking as a step mother, I know I need my DP to model respect for me before I complain about the attitude of his children. I hope I am as considerate of my partner as I would expect my child to be.

Yeah, she has an issue because she's the one supposed to spend all afternoon preparing it and then all evening/into the night cleaning up after it!
And many had many had made it clear that everyone should contribute, but let's stick with the 'poor me, people don't want to do what I want so everyone else is being unreasonable and treating me bad, so I'll just sulk'.

What is wrong with the latest suggestion, which accommodates you? Dinner at 2pm and saving her a plate? Isn't what you suggested from the start?

OP sounds mean and wants to play the role of the permanent victim. It’s family- whether you’re related by blood or not and it’s Christmas! Your posts sound awful and mean-spirited.

Presumably you knew your partner had children before you got with him, so it’s not unreasonable at all to expect from you to treat them like family. You’re not some kind of martyr for hosting Christmas one year

@XelaM MN bingo with that very insightful comment - we've got "preumably you knew he had kids", "they're family blood or not" and even "Christmas dinner isn't hard I once did it for 300 people at 4am whilst simultaneously conducting an orchestra, don't ever complain about having to do it no matter how rude your guests are about it and no matter how much that is obviously the point."

It's a potent mix! 👏

OP sounds mean and wants to play the role of the permanent victim. It’s family- whether you’re related by blood or not and it’s Christmas! Your posts sound awful and mean-spirited

Great, if OP doing all the preparation, cooking, hosting and cleaning is simply her martyring herself and playing the victim because it's no big deal you'd have no issue with the OP sitting back, putting her feet to and doing nothing because her DP and his mother have decided they want Christmas done on their terms. They can do everything, make it fit around his adult child's demands because it's no big deal.

I assume you also think the adult child's mother (who she was due to be spending Christmas with) should also ensure that the whole Christmas bends around her own child's demands and schedule because she knows she has a child.

Right?

Somehow I doubt either of those two options would be acceptable because it's much more fun to stick the boot into someone who rightly doesn't want to be the Christmas servant, jumping when everyone else says jump.

My DH used to work Christmas Day every year. His dinner would be plated up and reheated when he got home, I would sit with him and chat about his day and it was a nice part of a crap situation. For those thinking that OP should just delay dinner for one person, that is putting an extra burden on her in terms of not being able to relax that evening. Regardless of who the family member was - husband, stepdaughter, mother - I would not be delaying everyone else, when it is perfectly possible to still make a later solo dinner feel Christmassy for the person who's working.

If I was working and I often was as a nurse there is no way I'd expect everyone else in the family to hang about until 7pm for me. I'd do the considerate adult thing of eating my food when I got home and let everyone else get on with their Christmas day.

Tbh if you’d put in the OP that she finished work at 3 but was planning to be out until 7 the responses would have been different.

If my DS was working I would absolutely cook for when he got home, but if he was going to be finished at 3 i would make it clear that dinner would be ready by say, 4 (depending on how far away it was,)

There could be middle ground here in that you could delay lunch until 4 but if she’s not home then her’s will be kept warm.

And I would mitigate that by either having a decent breakfast, smoked salmon etc or just having some nibbles around.

I also don’t quite get the stress around cooking Christmas dinner though, IMO so many people make it far more stressful than it needs to be - it’s just a glorified roast. But either way, your DP should be helping clear up afterwards if you’ve done all the cooking.

OP sounds mean and wants to play the role of the permanent victim. It’s family- whether you’re related by blood or not and it’s Christmas! Your posts sound awful and mean-spirited. Presumably you knew your partner had children before you got with him, so it’s not unreasonable at all to expect from you to treat them like family. You’re not some kind of martyr for hosting Christmas one year

Thanks for the laugh!

Wait a minute, she's off work at 3pm? Then of course in this instance dinner should be at 3:30 not 7pm.

This is a massive drop feed.

I also don't quite get the stress around cooking Christmas dinner though, IMO so many people make it far more stressful than it needs to be - it's just a glorified roast.

I never understand why everyone uses "it's just a glorified roast" as the reason making Christmas dinner is no big deal. I find making a normal roast quite stressful, let alone a glorified one! I don't often cook for large groups and find it quite a slog doing everything in bulk. It's obviously not the hardest or worst thing in the world but it's not a breeze for everyone.

By 7pm my energy won't be that high, my DD will have just gone to bed and I'll just want to sit down and have some fun (and a drink). I wouldn't want to be cooking at that time and it would damage my enjoyment of the day to be doing so. I don't see why you're seen as some useless person stressing over nothing if you don't view cooking Christmas Dinner as a walk in the park.

Spy the first-wives club appearing on the step-parenting board again. I wonder what would have been said if the OP had posted this in AIBU, saying it was her OWN daughter rather than step daughter.

@madcatladyforever

If I was working and I often was as a nurse there is no way I'd expect everyone else in the family to hang about until 7pm for me. I'd do the considerate adult thing of eating my food when I got home and let everyone else get on with their Christmas day.

As would most normal, rational people!

I’ve worked many Christmas and no way would I expect people to wait until I got in to eat. Utterly selfish to do that IMO.
Yanbu at all.

Just cancel it because you obviously aren't in the mood for guests. I wouldn't accept a re-heated dinner. Yuck. No point. Might as well have cheese on toast at home.

@aSofaNearYou
It did take until page 8 for that old chestnut to be rolled out.