Would you choose to be a step parent if you had the choice again?

[Cigent]

I posted this in AIBU and it was suggested I post here.

I’m in the very early stages of beginning a relationship with a man with two young kids. Probably better described as dating than an early relationship. I’m very interested in him, but I’ve always been reluctant to get involved with men with kids. I’ve never wanted children myself either.

I am being over the top to consider putting an end to things now because of his children? Or is being with someone with kids when you’ve not got any yourself workable? If you had the choice again, would you still choose to get together with someone with kids?

Yes.. And despite the fact we do not get on with his ex. She's always used the dc as a weapon. Resulting in dh getting CAO. And even more than he originally requested as his ex in court said ' why should I share dc no way are you getting over night' the judge then said 3 nights not 2. Even the argument of him working meaning sometimes I'd have Dsc didn't wash
But despite all of that. I'd do it in a heartbeat. Because I knew he had a dc when we met and he knew I had a dc too.
Our relationship moved pretty fast too. In fact very fast, but we knew each other many years and knew each others kids anyway. So I guess that was easier.

Were now married with 2 more dc. Moved to a bigger house to accommodate all of us better.

I love being a step parent and dh does too. And luckily we're both on the same page when it comes down to parenting with our own and each others dcs. They all have the same rules not special treatment for any of them

No, never

No way.

It was never the step children that were an issue, its the bar shit crazy ex wife that comes with it... in my experience

No chance in hell, it's destroyed my life.

Yes.

But I think I've been both lucky and also had clear boundaries myself.

Lucky in so far DH and Ex have generally put any differences aside to be good parents for DSD.

In terms of boundaries I've posted about "house rules" before. We have them and they apply to everyone.

Simple things about respect (personal space/belongings) and basic (age appropriate) chores.

It works because DH and I agree and enforce these things equally.

The biggest failures in blended families imho are mostly never down to the children or the Ex but rather a lack of unity and support between the couples involved.

@DeRigueurMortis you’ve hit blended family gold!

And I agree so much with your last paragraph. ‘Issues with stepchildren’ are more a proxy for what’s going on in the adult relationships.

My own negative experiences have probably coloured my view but no I would avoid it like the plague. It works both ways though. My ex-h no longer has contact with our DS because his partner will not accept that we'd have to have contact or any sort of co-parenting relationship. She expected him to become father to her child but cut his own out. So he has. She resented DS and was vile to him. My argument is don't have an affair with a married man with children if you're not prepared to accept the consequences of that 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I think if you don't want children yourself, it's a bad idea to continue in a relationship where the child would, I hope, always be his first priority.

Same as @AbbeyBelfast. SC not the issue (yet), the exW on the other hand.... intrusive, argumentative and a complete pain in the arse!

It's difficult to say because I've been a stepmum twice.

The first time bm was involved very sparingly due to a severe alcohol addiction. She would drift in and out for a brief vist every few month then drift back out and we wouldn't hear from her again until the next visit. Helps that SD was only very little when we met. I love her like my own and have parental rights. Would 10/10 do it again.

My second sd...meh. I don't really have a bond. Mother can be difficult and territorial even though I have a daughter of my own who is the exact same age and so had no interest in 'stealing' hers. Would I do it again? Probably, because I don't care enough either way.

I hear that!!

No. No no no no no.

No fecking way!

It’s hard! I don’t think my man would be the man he is if he wasn’t a dad!
I’m not sure I would be with someone with children again tho specially as I don’t have any of my own! Be prepared to come second and dreams of living where ever u want dashed!
I suggest being fairly independent yourself weather that’s a hobby, work or close knit friends!

But really can depend on if the relationship with the man makes it all worth it!

It would fully depend on what kind of life you want. If you want a care free no restraints life where you are his sole focused then getting involved with a man with young children is definitely not the best thing to do.

If your happy to arrange your personal life around his children’s lives and always have his ex involved in his life then go for it.

Not all step familys are messy or complicated. I know lots of blended families who all get on very well together. It would fully depend on his relationship with his ex. But any decent man should always put his children first. If you can’t handle that then you need to find someone child free.

No no no no f@#£& way 🤣🤣🤣

*"But any decent man should always put his children first. If you can't handle that you need to find someone child free."

"Be prepared to come second and dreams of living where ever u want dashed!"*

It's very sad, and very telling, to see people making what almost always equates to thinly veiled excuses for parents to be neglectful partners, before the situation has even come up.

Run, whilst you still can.

Generally a big fat NO but it does depend on the dynamics with the ex.

My ex and I co parent fine, no issues between us or respective new partners.

My DP’s ex is a nightmare and it has created a lot of drama with his kids on and off over the years. If I’d understood what it would mean having a psycho batshit nutter nosing in and out of my life I would have dumped him after the first date. So saying we are at the end now and kids are 18, leaving home and going to uni, phewwww.

As someone with children who technically could have more but doesn’t want to, I don’t think I would choose to date a man with no children. On the other hand, there are men with kids and men with kids. It massively depends on the set up, relationships, situation. It’s very rarely the children themselves that are any issue in their own right. Even when they are problematic they’re often subject to toxic parenting. It’s very sad. But I came from a big family with lots of step parents and siblings involved and it was no different to any other largish family. So I know it doesn’t have to be negative!

OP, there are many people who can no longer work because of physical or mental health challenges and disabilities. There are some among them who for those reasons have never been able to work.

There is a vast difference between being no longer able to work and simply deciding that it is too inconvenient for you to work. It would seem that the people in your household might fall into the latter category.

There is nothing wrong with your willingness to support your wife if you so choose. What is wrong is her willingness to stop working and to have you support both her.and her adult son.

If I were in her position and I. chose to enable and support my adult child in his decision to remain jobless, I literally would work until I dropped to.provide support for that adult child. I will feel ashamed to be passing on to you a responsibility that I had willingly and knowingly chosen to accept.

Shame and guilt are often disdained on this forum, but shame and guilt are feelings that many would be better off experiencing. If your wife or her son felt either of these emotions, they would be handling the situation in your home in quite a different manner.

You too seem to be complicit in creating this situation by your fear of taking a risk to make changes. It must be getting pretty crowded and uncomfortable on that martyr''s upon which the 3 of you live.

Things will not change until you are ready to take steps to make them change. If your situation were reversed and you were the one unwilling or unable to work, would your wife or her son go to work to support you? They do not seem to be willing to do that for themselves; it is questionable that they would work to support you.

Sorry, the response above was posted to the wrong thread.